KatieMO

Just got fired from my job and I'm a bittttttt angry but at least I saved my house and it's not going to be sold even if it destroyed my savings. Good gravy I wish my husband was still here I need hugs right now.

Fuck the grief fuck the anxiety and stress and depression fuck the constant fear of keeping a roof over my head fuck my supervisor for putting me into panic/anxiety attacks for the last month making me think I'm going to walk into work one day and be fired because my brain is STILL FREAKING RECOVERING FROM A FULL NERVOUS BREAKDOWN SUDDENLY HAVING TO TACKLE A JOB THAT REQUIRES RESPONSIBILITY FOR THINGS I NEVER EVEN HAVE BEEN REALLY TRAINED FOR AND DEALING WITH MY HOUSE BEING FORECLOSED ON BUT MANAGING TO SCRAMBLE AND SAVE IT LAST SECOND BUT MONEY IS NOW EVEN LESS NOW AND JUST fuck it fuck it FUCK IT. *sigh* Oh a fifty cent raise yeah that really is going to help things....

Kat I just got past the ... anniversary myself, and I am right there with you. The anxiety is the frustrating part but the sadness is worse. I know that you've probably heard it, I mean I have too, but having someone to talk to be it a therapist a doctor or hell just on here, has helped. I know I am going to speak with my own doctor this week as my anxiety and PTSD (had before my husband's passing) are starting to affect my work. The layers of the suck cake are hard to get through and there will always be the down moments. Not just days, hell there may be weeks where the anxiety and sad seem to be all there is. But the good helps and not making ourselves 'be happy' is healthier I think then forcing it to be brave or strong or whatever b.s. is fed into our minds. I don't know what the rest of my life, your life, anyone's life is going to hold. You don't have to forget your husband. There will always be layers, from this, from the loss of a pet, from past experiences, from future ones. Some good, some bad. Take the bad days and let them be what they are. And let the good days be good. I won't keep going on and on about how we will 'heal' or get 'fixed' because I have no idea, I'm still with you in it still being fresh. But all we can do is keep going.

I admit I'm in a strange place. I'm still numb in a sense though emotions are starting to come back. But on the flip side I am beyond stressed (my hair is literally starting to fall out and I'm only 32!) due to financials and now my inlaws that, much to my self doubt, I reached out to in a panic. I want to believe in them but even when my husband was alive they were very distant, they were 'rich'. Living in a beautiful house in California, doctor and his physical fitness trainer wife(step mother of my husband). They are always going on trips to the Bahamas or Fiji or whereever they like. I worry that because I contacted them, telling them what is happening with the mortgage (to be fair when I sent the message I was in a panicked state and have calmed down a bit) will they think I'm only after their money? The first thing my husband's father asked him when he told him I was staying was 'Is she pregnant.' Do they blame me for his death. Do they think I'm just a gold digger. I'm scared of that and scared of what they think of me and I'm doing everything in my power to keep my home but I want them to know what is happening but they are so distant now I am wondering... Should I have even bothered? I haven't even seen them since the funeral and they barely talk to me and only if I send an email. Ugh. I wish there was a way to wave my hands and just... rest.

Bad days happen. I get that. Stress doesn't help but hey adulthood or whatever they claim is adulthood anymore. I didn't used to have panic attacks that lasted all day, and dealing with an attack while at work nearly got me today. I didn't know what I would have done if I had 'let it out' at work because I don't want to put my co-workers or customers through it, let alone let it affect my work. But it did. I over analyzed everything or I forgot the most basic things and while I eventually did get it hammered out I was already thirty minutes after closing. I didn't freak out the whole day, outwardly at least. I managed to keep it all in until I clocked out and got in the car. Then I proceeded to bawl/freak out the entire car ride home. I'm still kind of in that tense panicked air but it's getting better. The thing is trying to figure out where and how to find a therapist that I can afford is turning into a mess and a half. PTSD, stress, depression, anxiety along with widowhood... How people work full time jobs juggling these is a mystery I want to crack.

I'm going to try to go talk to my lawyer tomorrow because I just... I am exhausted.

Just got a letter saying my home is being foreclosed on, after spending months trying to get a bill sent to me (I have an old head injury that causes memory issues so I NEED physical bills) so I call the bank and go through all of this and then they tell me I'm STILL not authorized to even discuss the mortgage after months of sending in power of attorney and just... I don't HAVE over 2,000 to pay to get it out of Wells Fargo. My parents don't have that kind of money and they've helped me enough. I'm terrified to ask my inlaws for help because what if they think I'm just after money and I'm just And I can't even go into the bank because it's Wells Fargo and I'm in Missouri there are no Wells Fargos even near me and I don't know if I should go to my bank, tell work I can't go in tomorrow and try to get my mortgage flipped or ... or ... I don't understand any of this and I can't breath.

Thanks TooSoon, it's just so frustrating. Last night a tornado hit my town and the power went out. And it has been flooding here so as you can imagine I've been even MORE frazzled. On top of things is it's only a few months til The Day and I am trying to not break because I'm supposed to be the strong one but damn. I want to curl into a ball and cry for my Mommy. But I think we all have been there and I keep trying to remember this, I'm not the only one who's been through or who is going through this.

I'm still struggling, but I think that is how everyone is. That weird reality that has begun to form hasn't helped matters and it's ... I've had a bad time of it due to my own mental health. I already dealt with anxiety and clinical depression before my husband passed suddenly in July of 2016 but it seems to have only gotten worse and now they've added PTSD to the mix. Which I guess is a given. But what scares me most is the financial side of things. He died without a will, without life insurance, with no 'plan' really and I'm left here trying to not fall apart. I KNOW I do not have it as bad as most, I don't have children and my family has done their best to be with me and help however they can. But I'm staring at my bank account of being -300 in the hole and with barely a $100 in my savings that I CAN'T touch and a week til pay day and that will all go towards bills and then there is Wells Fargo who our mortgage was through who have given all the hell. Until January they would not even discuss the mortgage with me, claiming I was not authorized. I was his fucking WIFE dammit. Then as if by magic, someone went 'Oh yes you are.' Not a single bill for our mortgage has been sent to me since Chris passed. And I am.. my memory sucks, I do not do well unless I have a physical bill staring me in the face. They have kept saying that they are sending them and I've verified the address and just... I'm working so damn hard and I never have a break and I feel like it will never stop.

Steak unless it is proper bone in pork chops then I am so down for that. Sunny spring days or breezy autumn days.

I'm KatieMO, I'm about six months out from when my husband passed in July 2016. We had only gotten married in 2013 so heh... it's been a bit much. I'm a young widow, though not as young as most at 32 but still it's a bit of a whirlwind. My husband Chris and I met in of all things World of Warcraft in 2010. Yes yes I know, I've heard all the chuckles before but it worked for us. I lost him suddenly from a sub-dermal hematoma, no one knew he had been having brain bleeds over a period of time and ... the last one was it. There was no coming back from it. I'm still panicky, anxious, depressed, utterly and hopelessly terrified about what is going to happen and have bad days and just... it was good to see that there are others out there who know this feeling.