RemysWife

Bump.

I found the YWBB before my husband died. I thought that if I found a support group it would fix everything - HA! I probably signed up within the first two weeks. I spent so much time reading posts. I met a couple of really nice people - some that I'm friends with still after all of these years. I'm in a couple of FB groups, but the reason I still post here is because there is something really freeing about being able to post your deepest thoughts... anonymously.

Hi Candace - I remember you from the old board. My dad died last year. It has been really hard for me. I lost that last person that really loved me more than anything. In ten years I lost both parents and my husband. I hate being alone, but I'm not sure that I have the strength to change it. Keep on keepin' on as they say. If you believe it can get better, it will, right?

My husband died 7 years ago. Life is different now. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy either. I think the difference between earlier and now is in the beginning I believed things would get better, and now I'm thinking this might just be it. Ugh. That sounds super depressing when I type it out. I didn't have a great marriage. I loved my husband and he loved me. But I was not happy and I'm not sure that it would have lasted. I think about that all of the time, and it's probably part of the reason why I'm not more actively looking to date. That and some of the guys that I met online were absolutely disgusting... they said things to me that would have made the fraternity guys I knew in college blush. I don't have a thick enough skin for that. It's the time of year for resolutions and new starts. Maybe I'll look back one day and say that 2019 was the year I turned everything around. I don't know. Maybe this is enough.

There was a thread like that on the old board. A LOT of people wanted to go there. And, honestly, a lot of those toys were awesome. I would have loved a polka dotted elephant.

(((hugs))) I get it. It hurts when they leave us. My dog is my best friend. Is he the same as a human? Of course not. But he is a huge part of my life and I spend more time with him than anyone else. No one loves me as much as my dog does. Sorry for your loss. :'(

Bump. Two days away!

This month has been 6 years for me too. I can relate with a lot of what you wrote. Those first few years, I could relive everything about those last two months when we found out the cancer was back to when he died. It was hard to push those thoughts out of my mind... now I have to actively call up those memories.(which I try not to do.) I still think about him all the time, but it doesn't hurt so much anymore. It's more of an emptiness that doesn't go away. It's so weird how after all this time, you can still feel so in tune with others who have suffered this loss. ((Hugs))

Anyone live near Niagara Falls? (Either side of the border.) I'll be in town on Sunday, 11/26.

Back in 2008, my mom died from cancer. It was my first real loss, and I miss her to this day. But I never missed her more than I did three years later, when my 37 year old husband died. Moms know how to make things better... Dads just want them to be fixed. My relationship with my dad was strained some after Mark died. It just seemed that he put so much pressure on me to be "ok" which was so crazy to me, since he was absolutely not ok with Mom dying. In 2014, he went into a nursing home which I was against from the start. I did not think he would be happy, and I was absolutely not happy about selling our home full of memories. In the beginning, it was actually pretty good. He made friends, took part in activities and did way better than I expected. But that didn't last for long. He start withdrawing and just complained about not feeling well. I would try to visit, and he'd say not to come.... even on Christmas. After awhile you stop trying. In August, I called him and said that me and the dog were in the neighbor hood (I live well over an hour away) and he had to come out and see us. He played with the dog for a bit, gave me a kiss and then went back in. That's the last time I saw him until.... I got a call from my brother (who is the emergency contact) that my dad went into the hospital the night before. He wasn't sure what was going on, because he is on a cruise and can I try to figure out what was going on... For the next 5 days, I came over every afternoon and sat with my dad. We'd watch baseball or Law and Order. He'd complain that he wasn't getting better. (Told me some stuff "just in case" that I didn't want to hear. He was improving in some areas, but his lungs weren't getting stronger. When I left Saturday night, his breathing mask was off, he was eating and we were talking about what we were watching on tv. I thought he was getting better. The next day, my brother gets there, and suddenly I am hearing "no more options" and "palliative care" and "his wishes" and all I can think, is I don't understand what happened since yesterday - how is it possible that my dad is dying? He was doing better! And after he took his last breath, I cried, "I don't have anyone left." I lost my mom, and I made it. I lost my husband, and it was really hard, but I made it. But now I lost my dad. So now there is just me. What am I going to do? How will I make it this time?

Thanks for the responses. It does help knowing that others feel the same way. Sometimes I swear I'm starting to go crazy. I'm in the process of making some huge life changes (that I can't talk about yet) and it is just super stressful. I am not good with change... even when it is good change. Things just feel out of control. Right after Mark died, I did go to a grief therapist, and I hated her. It was maybe 4 months after he died, and I said that I was having trouble motivating myself to do anything, and even making dinner was too much work. She answered, "Sometimes you need to grow up and make dinner." Yeah, that's super helpful. I never went back. Maybe there is someone who would be a better fit... it's something I should think about.

Five years. More than that actually - it's been about 5 1/2 years now. It feels like a freakin' lifetime. I look around and wonder who the hell I am. I feel old... broken... beaten down. How did I get here and how do I get out? I have all these thoughts going through my mind and I don't even know how to sort them all out. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I am in the middle of a full fledged mid-life crisis. I was on an anti-depressant but I had to go off of it. (don't ask). It's not really about Mark. It's about me. I don't know who I am or how to make sense of this world I have found myself in. I'm 43 and I feel like my best days are behind me. And I get mad at myself because I have a whole lot of life ahead of me and I need to figure out a way to get out of this funk. I am not ok with just fumbling through life unhappy - but that is exactly what I am doing. I have a ton of friends. People are always telling me that they're jealous of all the fun stuff I do. But I feel like I am going through the motions. (Well, I saw U2 and that was actually really fun - haha.) I don't want to just pretend... I just don't know what to do anymore. I want things to improve, but don't have the energy to actively do anything to change my situation. I tried online dating - no luck and it just made me feel worse. Mostly I'm just feeling sorry for myself. At one time it felt like I had life all figured out, and now all I can think is... this was not what I had planned.

Grief comes and goes in such waves. The board is here so you have a place to get those feelings out. We're here for you and it's always good to look for support when you need it. ((Hugs))

I seriously wonder all of the time how much of my exhaustion is from losing him and how much is from being 5 years older.

I went back right away. I was on part time FMLA (meaning I was working remotely, when I could) for the last 6 weeks or so before he died, so I didn't want to take additional time. The funeral was Friday, and I went back on Monday. I'm in marketing, and it is a stressful, high-paced job. I made a lot of mistakes. I spent more time than I should have online. I sometimes don't know how I even made it through. But, at the same time, it was a life saver. It was familiar. I was surrounded by people who knew what happened. It kept me sane. Hang in there. It is hard, but you may find that the routine is exactly what you need. Good luck.