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Everything posted by faye

  1. faye

    Speechless

    I guess that's my point. Young people are so damn protected from *everything* real and unfortunate that they don't know what to say or how to act. In addition to that, poor behavior is excused a lot. We're all so consumed with how the little tykes ***feel*** and don't expand that into teaching them that others' feelings count, as well. How in the world is a person supposed to empathize with a huge loss, when the only experience he has is killing characters in video games? And reading customer service websites...there are parents who let Johnnie try to buy GTA with his own money at nine or ten years old, then berate the clerk for not allowing it.
  2. faye

    Speechless

    I didn't bury my husband for a couple years.He'd been cremated. When It was finally time to bury him, I realized how many things funeral directors take care of, behind the scenes, because I was doing it. It was a hassle, only a couple things went as they should, notably getting a flag for the interment ceremony. They come from the post office. I don't know why. I printed off the form, slid it across the counter, and the employee looked at me and immediately said, "I'm sorry for your loss." She was gone a long time. When she re-appeared, she apologized for not having any flags. She had carefully read the form and started calling all the post offices between where I lived and where I worked to see who did have flags, so I wouldn't "be on a wild goose chase," and gave the the addresses of two nearby that had flags in stock. The thing I really needed was a certificate from Late Husband's cremation (Silly, I had the brass box right there, but whatever.) I just couldn't find it. It had been taped to the bottom of the box, but tape doesn't stick very well to felt. I did have a copy of the bill from the funeral home, listing the "ABC Company." I called ABC, and the woman was kind of snotty and said , said,"It's taped to the bottom of the box." Yes, I said, it had been, but I've lost it. She told me to get it from the funeral home, Well, I had asked, but they weren't getting back to me. When she heard which funeral home, she insisted, "They don't send them here, they send them to XYZ." Maybe they usually do, I said, but I have the bill right in front of me, and all i need is for you to email me a copy of the cremation certificate. Nope, not a chance. The funeral home never did follow up for me, and luckily, I found that piece of paper. It had fallen off the bottom of the urn on top of other papers in the wastebasket. I did make a copy of that, and snail-mailed it to them. I included the suggestion that maybe whomever answers the phone be trained to have some compassion for the bereaved. Unlike a bank, *all* their customers are dealing with a loss.
  3. faye

    Speechless

    I can't speak to other cultures and countries, I've only lived in New England. The problem, as I see it, isn't this young man. The problem is that as a North American culture, we avoid real death, talking about real death, dealing with real death. And frankly, the people who pile on with calling everyone and his brother DGIs aren't part of the solution. It strikes me as bigoted. Of course, people are going to say the wrong things. They haven't had the loss, and have spent the better part of their lives trying not to think about it. Are there any "right" things to say, other than "I'm so sorry?" And who among us hasn't bumbled through a funeral or said something stupid on hearing someone died...until it was *our* loss and *our* spouse. And the right thing to say varies with the situation. I've heard people say, "____ is in a better place" and sometimes thought "No, ___had a lot to do here, still," and other times thought, "I hope so. ____sure wasn't happy here." Death here in North America is treated as entertainment. You can buy Grand theft Auto and kill video characters to your heart's content. Police dramas on TV and "psychological dramas" are nothing more than 44 minutes of watching someone be tortured interrupted by the Chantrix turkey. Widows and widowers no longer dress in black, then gray, then lavender to mark the passing of a loved one. Is it any wonder a young-ish man who probably hasn't lost a peer, parent or lover is uncomfortable with being confronted with death (and yes, nervous smiling is a common response.) It isn't personal. It isn't intentional. It's pretty annoying and maybe hurtful, but we are in a unique position to educate others. The very first time someone said "ex-husband" to me, I looked him in the eye and corrected him frankly, firmly, on the spot. "Late husband, dear. I didn't leave him." A girl (I'd say woman, she's of that age, but not mature) spent a freaking hour showing me pictures of potential dates, before I'd even had my husband's memorial service. I kept waiting for her to realize how inappropriate that was. She never did. You know what? She's emotionally crippled. I feel bad for her. And I've dealt with the stupidity, too, We all have. You wanna hear something ironic? One call, one, to Philllip Morris was all it took to stop the Marlborough miles rubbish being sent to the house. The health insurance company, who paid for his last visit to the hospital sent stuff addressed to Late husband for six years.
  4. faye

    Movie alert

    Well, the book BEGINS with the dog dying...
  5. faye

    Movie alert

    I read the book. IIRC, cried through most of it.
  6. faye

    Anniversaries close together

    Late Husband's birthday, our wedding anniversary, and new guy's birthday are all in June, only a few days apart. I think this is the first year I've remembered to buy a birthday card for NG.
  7. That works, doesn't it? As my boss says (after offering to bring back coffee and being told no thanks) Hey, I get credit for asking!
  8. My new guy has two grown married children, both with children of their own. He asked if I want to be called "Grammy Faye." Ummm, no. The babies already *have* grandmothers. I wouldn't dream of being an interloper, or assuming a place or title that rightfully belongs to someone else.
  9. faye

    The "L" Word

    Nine months. It wasn't especially romantic. I jokingly asked when he was going to post on Facebook that he was 'in a relationship.' He said, "Isn't it enough that I love you?"
  10. faye

    FWB

    That is what I've experienced and observed. Someone acquiesces to a FWB relationship in the hope that the other person will eventually fall in love. As in many situations in love and life, hope is disappointment deferred.
  11. faye

    FWB

    I briefly had a FWB relationship. I was growing attached to him, and realized I wouldn't give a new partner a real shot unless I ended it with him. There were differences that would have made a long term relationship impossible, so I ended it. Of course, we couldn't be friends in the same way as before the benefits started, so we rarely communicate now.
  12. faye

    Probate court

    This happened to a family I knew. Husband and wife purchased and ran a motel. Wife died without a will, and her children from a previous marriage (whom her husband raised as his own) inherited a portion of the motel. In their case it was a happy ending, as they 'sold' their portions back to step-dad for a nominal amount. When Late Husband and I bought our first house, we read through the paperwork at closing and asked what "joint tenancy with rights of survivorship" meant. And we were told, "That's what you want." Then someone explained it, and they were right, it was what we wanted. You need a lawyer to walk you through this. Current partner said it would be unusual for a bank to write a mortgage for a home as tenants in common. Not unheard of, but unusual.
  13. faye

    No will

    My Late Husband had a will, and I still hired a lawyer to do the paperwork. In fact, it never occurred to me NOT to hire a lawyer for that.
  14. faye

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    I'm not here much, but a belated happy birthday to you. As for not doing a big thing for yourself, I guess not. I did know a woman who had a small dinner party for her own birthday, and her plans were to tell each of the invited guests how they had helped her or changed her life for the better. It was the big five-oh for her, too. One wouldn't have to do that on a birthday, though.
  15. New Man has an ex he was married to for 25 years, give or take. The have two children together, and two grandchildren, so far. I neither know nor care when they contact one another. His marriage is part of what made him who he is today, which is a pretty decent guy.
  16. It was fairly recently that I figured out exactly what was holding me back from re-marriage. I adore New Guy, we've been together a couple years now. He has zero savings for retirement, and is making do with social security and a part time job. I'm a little better off, but certainly not wealthy, and we're approaching retirement age. If we married, my savings would, at least psychologically, become our money. He'd like to buy a place big enough to build a is barn and have horses, so his grandchildren could learn to ride when they visit. His grandchildren live one thousand miles away, because neither of his children like this part of the country. Even if we moved, I can't afford horses. He'd like to buy a handyman special to fix up. We're in our sixties. Last time I needed him to put some molding up around a door, the molding sat in the corner of the room for two years. I put it up while he was gone. It took about an hour, and part of that was learning how to operate the chop saw. I suspect that keeping my savings totally in my name and under my control after marriage would create resentment, and we'd be divorced in a couple years. He means well. He'd wade through a moat filled with alligators to bring me a glass of water. He's not very practical, is all.
  17. faye

    Sad Loss Of WifeLess

    I am so sorry for your loss. You're in my thoughts.
  18. faye

    Really - forever mail?

    I used to get these from the health insurance company, the same one that paid the medical expenses at the hospital where he was admitted with a "total code." It took several phone calls over five or six years, but I finally got connected to someone who was able to stop them. The kicker: Late Husband was a two-pack-a-day smoker who died from lung cancer. It took only one email to Marlborough to get them to stop sending offers to redeem his Marlborough miles. I've never figured out how their system was somehow better set up than Anthem's. I did get an offer, some years after his death, from Mutual of Omaha for cancer insurance. I wrote across the form and told them the offer had come about five years too late, and that we could all appreciate the irony. I used a Sharpie, as I thought it would show well if someone ran it through the scanner at the office for wider distribution around the company.
  19. faye

    Widows at Christmas dinner

    Maybe not. I wonder if he's hard of hearing, and has just stopped asking for people to repeat things. He just processes the verbal and other cues and relies on people to repeat themselves when THEY notice he's missed something. I know someone who does this. Sometimes he's a couple sentences into a thought before the other person tells him he's gone off-track.
  20. faye

    Not really family

    I got a Christmas card from BIL and wife that read, "stay in touch, but only if you want to." Oddly, the only time we communicated with them was when Late Husband took the initiative to call.They never called us.
  21. faye

    When to Tell

    I put my widowed status in my dating profile. I guess Late Husband's family knows. They're fine people, but we're not close. I didn't make a big deal about telling people I was dating or keeping it a secret. It's nobody's business but my own.
  22. faye

    Holiday question

    Meh, I was an adolescent in another life, and family things weren't of great appeal. I also went through an agnostic/atheist period and felt like kind of a fraud going to family Christmas things. I do enjoy my family, they're all really nice, warm folks. The Christmas feeling eluded me, and I just tried to portray someone who was a believer. I really, really was having a hard time with it. By 21, I was living in an apartment with a couple other women: preparing my own meals and cleaning up was not a new concept.
  23. faye

    Off Topic - Collection Agency

    What you described is the way most collection agencies work. They aren't bottom feeders because of that. However...there's always a however...I got numerous calls on my cell phone for ____(Husband's first name) when he was alive about a 'personal private matter.' I finally extracted from them it was a restaurant tab on a bad check. It was ___ Somebody Else and the phone number on the check, written poorly, looked like mine. Or perhaps the bad-check writer just picked a different local phone code and figured no one would ever find him. His full name and address were on he check. If they'd done just a bit of homework, they could have guessed, as I did, that the 2 should have been a 7. A friend of mine got a call from a collection agency, and the woman who called was rude and condescending. She implied my friend's husband had hidden some debt from her and tried to get her to pay up. My friend tried to tell her that they may have the wrong family. Their last name is very common (think, Smith) but the woman didn't think that was possible. (It was) One company didn't provide the service I paid for, so I refused to pay, and filed a dispute with my credit card company. Even after documenting the whole thing, they sent it to collections. As soon as I accepted a call from Late Husband's CC company, I was told I was not responsible for his debt. They DID sue the estate, though. I paid it, as I knew he had a balance on the card, and whatever he'd purchased was around the house, somewhere.
  24. I met my companion online. Along the way, I don't think I met any players. I did meet people who really should have been attending to bigger issues in their lives (finding gainful employment, recovering from the bitterness of divorce). I had a hard time *getting* dates. A lot of men just ghosted on me.
  25. faye

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    The ten women behind you may not be looking for casual sex. They may be like my college room mate who thought having sex would cause men to fall in love with her.
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