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Everything posted by faye

  1. faye

    Marriage after widowhood

    Prayers coming your way. I'm so sorry.
  2. faye

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    It pays to take a break, and if I had to do it again, hide my profile on dating sites when I did. That way, you pictures aren't old news should you re-activate your dating profile. I'd have rather men not answered, than suggest I contact them later (because they were 'busy') and ghost me when I did. I had a prospective date ask for my LinkedIn profile, which was not a bad idea. I once Googled an email address, and discovered it was a scammer. You can Google somebody's name, too. One fellow I dated had been arrested for disorderly conduct. I tightened up my Facebook privacy settings after a couple men contacted me wishing to meet. One had a sob story about being widowed, and wanting a new mom for his little girl (picture of handsome man and adorable child included.) This tugged at my heart (even though I was too old to be a Mom to a seven- or eight-year-old.) Then I thought about it more: a fellow who was willing to move (and take his child away from the neighborhood and school she knew, *after she lost her mother* was not a good dad. *IF* it was true, which I doubted.
  3. faye

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    I met people when I thought wouldn't amount to much, just for practice. I didn't meet them for a meal after one 1) gave me a fake name before we met because he didn't know before meeting me if I might be a nutcase and then 2) during the meal seemed to have a lot of issues that would make him a high maintenance partner. After that, first meetings were limited to coffee, a glass of wine or a beer. One man cancelled twice at the last minute and was a no call / no show on the third. I wasn't good at picking up cues. After that, if a date cancelled, I let that potential date suggest another time and place and if he didn't, well, he wasn't interested. The man I'm with now did, in fact, cancel our first meeting and was quick to make the effort to re-schedule. I had no interest in being someone's pen pal, and there seemed to be some who participated on dating sites for just that. Many didn't say so up front, which is odd. I didn't date men who weren't local.
  4. faye

    Breaking up? Seeing other people?

    You know *now* it's not a good fit. Breaking up now will hurt him less than breaking up six weeks from now. Portside's wording is as good as it gets.
  5. Take a swatch, launder if necessary, and have someone add it to a cover for a throw pillow for the new couch.
  6. What is irritating for one loss may be comforting for another. "------" is in a better place." When a loved one died unexpectedly and too soon, it only grated on me a tad. For someone who died after making others miserable, I thought, "I hope so. He wasn't happy here."
  7. I don't mean to be harsh, but honestly, what *are* people supposed to say? What are the magic words that would make anyone feel better? ... ... There aren't any. The only thing people can do is express some kind of empathy. That's not a bad thing. Thinking badly of people for doing the best they can doesn't do you any good, or them. Being angry about the loss is normal. The only time I was angry with individuals was when they *didn't* show empathy.
  8. faye


    I guess that's my point. Young people are so damn protected from *everything* real and unfortunate that they don't know what to say or how to act. In addition to that, poor behavior is excused a lot. We're all so consumed with how the little tykes ***feel*** and don't expand that into teaching them that others' feelings count, as well. How in the world is a person supposed to empathize with a huge loss, when the only experience he has is killing characters in video games? And reading customer service websites...there are parents who let Johnnie try to buy GTA with his own money at nine or ten years old, then berate the clerk for not allowing it.
  9. faye


    I didn't bury my husband for a couple years.He'd been cremated. When It was finally time to bury him, I realized how many things funeral directors take care of, behind the scenes, because I was doing it. It was a hassle, only a couple things went as they should, notably getting a flag for the interment ceremony. They come from the post office. I don't know why. I printed off the form, slid it across the counter, and the employee looked at me and immediately said, "I'm sorry for your loss." She was gone a long time. When she re-appeared, she apologized for not having any flags. She had carefully read the form and started calling all the post offices between where I lived and where I worked to see who did have flags, so I wouldn't "be on a wild goose chase," and gave the the addresses of two nearby that had flags in stock. The thing I really needed was a certificate from Late Husband's cremation (Silly, I had the brass box right there, but whatever.) I just couldn't find it. It had been taped to the bottom of the box, but tape doesn't stick very well to felt. I did have a copy of the bill from the funeral home, listing the "ABC Company." I called ABC, and the woman was kind of snotty and said , said,"It's taped to the bottom of the box." Yes, I said, it had been, but I've lost it. She told me to get it from the funeral home, Well, I had asked, but they weren't getting back to me. When she heard which funeral home, she insisted, "They don't send them here, they send them to XYZ." Maybe they usually do, I said, but I have the bill right in front of me, and all i need is for you to email me a copy of the cremation certificate. Nope, not a chance. The funeral home never did follow up for me, and luckily, I found that piece of paper. It had fallen off the bottom of the urn on top of other papers in the wastebasket. I did make a copy of that, and snail-mailed it to them. I included the suggestion that maybe whomever answers the phone be trained to have some compassion for the bereaved. Unlike a bank, *all* their customers are dealing with a loss.
  10. faye


    I can't speak to other cultures and countries, I've only lived in New England. The problem, as I see it, isn't this young man. The problem is that as a North American culture, we avoid real death, talking about real death, dealing with real death. And frankly, the people who pile on with calling everyone and his brother DGIs aren't part of the solution. It strikes me as bigoted. Of course, people are going to say the wrong things. They haven't had the loss, and have spent the better part of their lives trying not to think about it. Are there any "right" things to say, other than "I'm so sorry?" And who among us hasn't bumbled through a funeral or said something stupid on hearing someone died...until it was *our* loss and *our* spouse. And the right thing to say varies with the situation. I've heard people say, "____ is in a better place" and sometimes thought "No, ___had a lot to do here, still," and other times thought, "I hope so. ____sure wasn't happy here." Death here in North America is treated as entertainment. You can buy Grand theft Auto and kill video characters to your heart's content. Police dramas on TV and "psychological dramas" are nothing more than 44 minutes of watching someone be tortured interrupted by the Chantrix turkey. Widows and widowers no longer dress in black, then gray, then lavender to mark the passing of a loved one. Is it any wonder a young-ish man who probably hasn't lost a peer, parent or lover is uncomfortable with being confronted with death (and yes, nervous smiling is a common response.) It isn't personal. It isn't intentional. It's pretty annoying and maybe hurtful, but we are in a unique position to educate others. The very first time someone said "ex-husband" to me, I looked him in the eye and corrected him frankly, firmly, on the spot. "Late husband, dear. I didn't leave him." A girl (I'd say woman, she's of that age, but not mature) spent a freaking hour showing me pictures of potential dates, before I'd even had my husband's memorial service. I kept waiting for her to realize how inappropriate that was. She never did. You know what? She's emotionally crippled. I feel bad for her. And I've dealt with the stupidity, too, We all have. You wanna hear something ironic? One call, one, to Philllip Morris was all it took to stop the Marlborough miles rubbish being sent to the house. The health insurance company, who paid for his last visit to the hospital sent stuff addressed to Late husband for six years.
  11. faye

    Movie alert

    Well, the book BEGINS with the dog dying...
  12. faye

    Movie alert

    I read the book. IIRC, cried through most of it.
  13. faye

    Anniversaries close together

    Late Husband's birthday, our wedding anniversary, and new guy's birthday are all in June, only a few days apart. I think this is the first year I've remembered to buy a birthday card for NG.
  14. That works, doesn't it? As my boss says (after offering to bring back coffee and being told no thanks) Hey, I get credit for asking!
  15. My new guy has two grown married children, both with children of their own. He asked if I want to be called "Grammy Faye." Ummm, no. The babies already *have* grandmothers. I wouldn't dream of being an interloper, or assuming a place or title that rightfully belongs to someone else.
  16. faye

    The "L" Word

    Nine months. It wasn't especially romantic. I jokingly asked when he was going to post on Facebook that he was 'in a relationship.' He said, "Isn't it enough that I love you?"
  17. faye


    That is what I've experienced and observed. Someone acquiesces to a FWB relationship in the hope that the other person will eventually fall in love. As in many situations in love and life, hope is disappointment deferred.
  18. faye


    I briefly had a FWB relationship. I was growing attached to him, and realized I wouldn't give a new partner a real shot unless I ended it with him. There were differences that would have made a long term relationship impossible, so I ended it. Of course, we couldn't be friends in the same way as before the benefits started, so we rarely communicate now.
  19. faye

    Probate court

    This happened to a family I knew. Husband and wife purchased and ran a motel. Wife died without a will, and her children from a previous marriage (whom her husband raised as his own) inherited a portion of the motel. In their case it was a happy ending, as they 'sold' their portions back to step-dad for a nominal amount. When Late Husband and I bought our first house, we read through the paperwork at closing and asked what "joint tenancy with rights of survivorship" meant. And we were told, "That's what you want." Then someone explained it, and they were right, it was what we wanted. You need a lawyer to walk you through this. Current partner said it would be unusual for a bank to write a mortgage for a home as tenants in common. Not unheard of, but unusual.
  20. faye

    No will

    My Late Husband had a will, and I still hired a lawyer to do the paperwork. In fact, it never occurred to me NOT to hire a lawyer for that.
  21. faye

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    I'm not here much, but a belated happy birthday to you. As for not doing a big thing for yourself, I guess not. I did know a woman who had a small dinner party for her own birthday, and her plans were to tell each of the invited guests how they had helped her or changed her life for the better. It was the big five-oh for her, too. One wouldn't have to do that on a birthday, though.
  22. New Man has an ex he was married to for 25 years, give or take. The have two children together, and two grandchildren, so far. I neither know nor care when they contact one another. His marriage is part of what made him who he is today, which is a pretty decent guy.
  23. It was fairly recently that I figured out exactly what was holding me back from re-marriage. I adore New Guy, we've been together a couple years now. He has zero savings for retirement, and is making do with social security and a part time job. I'm a little better off, but certainly not wealthy, and we're approaching retirement age. If we married, my savings would, at least psychologically, become our money. He'd like to buy a place big enough to build a is barn and have horses, so his grandchildren could learn to ride when they visit. His grandchildren live one thousand miles away, because neither of his children like this part of the country. Even if we moved, I can't afford horses. He'd like to buy a handyman special to fix up. We're in our sixties. Last time I needed him to put some molding up around a door, the molding sat in the corner of the room for two years. I put it up while he was gone. It took about an hour, and part of that was learning how to operate the chop saw. I suspect that keeping my savings totally in my name and under my control after marriage would create resentment, and we'd be divorced in a couple years. He means well. He'd wade through a moat filled with alligators to bring me a glass of water. He's not very practical, is all.
  24. faye

    Sad Loss Of WifeLess

    I am so sorry for your loss. You're in my thoughts.
  25. faye

    Really - forever mail?

    I used to get these from the health insurance company, the same one that paid the medical expenses at the hospital where he was admitted with a "total code." It took several phone calls over five or six years, but I finally got connected to someone who was able to stop them. The kicker: Late Husband was a two-pack-a-day smoker who died from lung cancer. It took only one email to Marlborough to get them to stop sending offers to redeem his Marlborough miles. I've never figured out how their system was somehow better set up than Anthem's. I did get an offer, some years after his death, from Mutual of Omaha for cancer insurance. I wrote across the form and told them the offer had come about five years too late, and that we could all appreciate the irony. I used a Sharpie, as I thought it would show well if someone ran it through the scanner at the office for wider distribution around the company.

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