faye

Trying, I think I remember on the old board, someone had lived with her boyfriend for years. He died, and his family insisted he be buried hundreds of miles away, in a part of the country he was never happy in. She had no say in the matter. Common law marriage is not at all common. Wills, advance directives and powers of attorney are worth looking into.

I don't know why it's taken nine months for anyone to suggest this. I have no imagination, that's my excuse. I've done the zoom thing for work, I think, unless one is a paying client, one is limited in time. It's certainly worth looking into. After all, at this point, we've all got our Zoom wardrobes and lighting worked out.

I'd like to suggest a change of linguistics. "Baggage" is stewing over a divorce that occurred 25 years ago. Having a marriage and being divorced or widowed should be referred to as "having a life."

On the plus side, I think my boss paid me my regular wages for the two weeks I was out. When I went back, it did add structure to my days, at least. I had been back at work a week or so, when the boss excitedly told me of this new thing he was doing: he was making a to-do list every day. I remember thinking my list would be: 10:00 to 10:15 - don't cry. 10:15 to 10:30 - don't cry.

KathrynA, I'm so sorry for your loss. Please look at the postings in the newly widowed section, I hope you'll find some useful suggestions there.

Since you asked for suggestions: Is there any reason you haven't invited any of these people to visit you?

I am another one of those people who don't care for company. I don't think I'd ask if I could stay with any of my husband's family, and I would feel as if I don't know many of his relatives well enough to feel comfortable having them here. We were married 25 years. I have to say, though, his wasn't particularly close to his family. Maybe you late wife wasn't close to hers. Or maybe her feelings weren't reciprocated? My late husband would periodically call his brother and his favorite cousin, but they rarely if ever called him. I don't recall that Late H ever called his sister and BIL; maybe, when his parents passed away. COVID has made everything more complicated. I am not freaked out about it at all, (I've lost both parents and my spouse. I'm acutely aware we're all going to die) but I also would not host people I barely know who live five hours away. I don't know what the governmental guidelines are in Canada. I have read that a wacky customer of a particular grocery store is stalking employees on Facebook, and alerting the corporate office when one of them travels out of the province, or something (?) forcing that employee to take a two week furlough. Death does change things. My mother, her siblings and their children used to get together for pot-luck once each summer. Oddly, it was when my DAD died that we all stopped doing that. Mom planned the shindig - house and yard in order- my brother perfectly mowing and weeding the yard. Aside from my siblings and our spouses, only one relative came, stayed for an hour or so. Everyone else stayed away. We haven't gotten together since 2004.

Y'all are much more popular on dating sites than I was. I did round up dates every now and then. Current Partner is someone I met on Craig's List. There was one guy who wanted to make out - and only make out. One man wanted a new home, a muse and a lover. (He was homeless. And dating. Didn't realize he had bigger fish to fry.) With Covid, I can't even imagine. I wasn't one who wanted to ruminate endlessly or have a pen pal. I wanted to go out on a date or three and see if there was any attraction. I guess it would make sense to meet and have coffee and ask a lot of questions about what each of you expect so no one's wasting his or her time. Met Current pre-Covid. We had messaged each other for a couple weeks owing to one of us going out of town, the other one sick, it was over the holidays and we were busy. We met, the attraction was instantaneous, and we spent 40 minutes making out in my car in the parking lot where we met. Maybe I'm not a good example.

I remember having the realization that I had lived in this house longer without my husband than I had with him. Sad.

I had a perennial plant swap with my neighbors. a friend pointed out that I mostly gave away extra stuff. I said we have to work on baby steps - next year will be better. I did receive some bright yellow daffodils and a macrame plant hanger. The plant hanger has saved a fiddle-leaf philodendron from the cat. She wasn't eating it, but she kept knocking off the window sill.

When I got married, there was no aisle, because it was a public park. We assembled, me, my MOH, my parents on one side of and arc, Hubby, his best man, and parents on the other side. The minister asked, "Who blesses this union of Faye and Robert?" and our parents said, "We do."

My mistake. Totally understand about boyfriends/girlfriends etc. Thought this forum was about loss through death.

Stephen is not a widower himself, 1) and has chosen a forum for widows /widowers to complain about how difficult dating widows is 2) without having experienced the unique and devastating experience of losing one's life partner. I would think, myself, that hesitance in making a commitment to someone so insensitive and lacking in judgement would be wise.

FYI, I've read on this forum or it's predecessor someone saying "that stinks" triggered her. When my Mom died, a neighbor said to me, "No matter when you lose your Mom, you feel cheated." That was true for me, but I know people who were abused by their parents, so it wouldn't work for them. There is nothing I can think of that *no one* will find troubling, which is why I think it's petty to resent people giving it their best try at being compassionate.

The only reason it *might* matter to them would be if they had the possibility to inherit a disease he had. There are screenings one should have, whether one is likely to inherit some tendency or not. There are inheritable things that one can't do anything about, anyway. Was his obituary in the local newspaper? If so, they could access that information if they wanted it.

Prayers coming your way. I'm so sorry.

It pays to take a break, and if I had to do it again, hide my profile on dating sites when I did. That way, you pictures aren't old news should you re-activate your dating profile. I'd have rather men not answered, than suggest I contact them later (because they were 'busy') and ghost me when I did. I had a prospective date ask for my LinkedIn profile, which was not a bad idea. I once Googled an email address, and discovered it was a scammer. You can Google somebody's name, too. One fellow I dated had been arrested for disorderly conduct. I tightened up my Facebook privacy settings after a couple men contacted me wishing to meet. One had a sob story about being widowed, and wanting a new mom for his little girl (picture of handsome man and adorable child included.) This tugged at my heart (even though I was too old to be a Mom to a seven- or eight-year-old.) Then I thought about it more: a fellow who was willing to move (and take his child away from the neighborhood and school she knew, *after she lost her mother* was not a good dad. *IF* it was true, which I doubted.

I met people when I thought wouldn't amount to much, just for practice. I didn't meet them for a meal after one 1) gave me a fake name before we met because he didn't know before meeting me if I might be a nutcase and then 2) during the meal seemed to have a lot of issues that would make him a high maintenance partner. After that, first meetings were limited to coffee, a glass of wine or a beer. One man cancelled twice at the last minute and was a no call / no show on the third. I wasn't good at picking up cues. After that, if a date cancelled, I let that potential date suggest another time and place and if he didn't, well, he wasn't interested. The man I'm with now did, in fact, cancel our first meeting and was quick to make the effort to re-schedule. I had no interest in being someone's pen pal, and there seemed to be some who participated on dating sites for just that. Many didn't say so up front, which is odd. I didn't date men who weren't local.

You know *now* it's not a good fit. Breaking up now will hurt him less than breaking up six weeks from now. Portside's wording is as good as it gets.

Take a swatch, launder if necessary, and have someone add it to a cover for a throw pillow for the new couch.

What is irritating for one loss may be comforting for another. "------" is in a better place." When a loved one died unexpectedly and too soon, it only grated on me a tad. For someone who died after making others miserable, I thought, "I hope so. He wasn't happy here."

I don't mean to be harsh, but honestly, what *are* people supposed to say? What are the magic words that would make anyone feel better? ... ... There aren't any. The only thing people can do is express some kind of empathy. That's not a bad thing. Thinking badly of people for doing the best they can doesn't do you any good, or them. Being angry about the loss is normal. The only time I was angry with individuals was when they *didn't* show empathy.

I guess that's my point. Young people are so damn protected from *everything* real and unfortunate that they don't know what to say or how to act. In addition to that, poor behavior is excused a lot. We're all so consumed with how the little tykes ***feel*** and don't expand that into teaching them that others' feelings count, as well. How in the world is a person supposed to empathize with a huge loss, when the only experience he has is killing characters in video games? And reading customer service websites...there are parents who let Johnnie try to buy GTA with his own money at nine or ten years old, then berate the clerk for not allowing it.

I didn't bury my husband for a couple years.He'd been cremated. When It was finally time to bury him, I realized how many things funeral directors take care of, behind the scenes, because I was doing it. It was a hassle, only a couple things went as they should, notably getting a flag for the interment ceremony. They come from the post office. I don't know why. I printed off the form, slid it across the counter, and the employee looked at me and immediately said, "I'm sorry for your loss." She was gone a long time. When she re-appeared, she apologized for not having any flags. She had carefully read the form and started calling all the post offices between where I lived and where I worked to see who did have flags, so I wouldn't "be on a wild goose chase," and gave the the addresses of two nearby that had flags in stock. The thing I really needed was a certificate from Late Husband's cremation (Silly, I had the brass box right there, but whatever.) I just couldn't find it. It had been taped to the bottom of the box, but tape doesn't stick very well to felt. I did have a copy of the bill from the funeral home, listing the "ABC Company." I called ABC, and the woman was kind of snotty and said , said,"It's taped to the bottom of the box." Yes, I said, it had been, but I've lost it. She told me to get it from the funeral home, Well, I had asked, but they weren't getting back to me. When she heard which funeral home, she insisted, "They don't send them here, they send them to XYZ." Maybe they usually do, I said, but I have the bill right in front of me, and all i need is for you to email me a copy of the cremation certificate. Nope, not a chance. The funeral home never did follow up for me, and luckily, I found that piece of paper. It had fallen off the bottom of the urn on top of other papers in the wastebasket. I did make a copy of that, and snail-mailed it to them. I included the suggestion that maybe whomever answers the phone be trained to have some compassion for the bereaved. Unlike a bank, *all* their customers are dealing with a loss.

I can't speak to other cultures and countries, I've only lived in New England. The problem, as I see it, isn't this young man. The problem is that as a North American culture, we avoid real death, talking about real death, dealing with real death. And frankly, the people who pile on with calling everyone and his brother DGIs aren't part of the solution. It strikes me as bigoted. Of course, people are going to say the wrong things. They haven't had the loss, and have spent the better part of their lives trying not to think about it. Are there any "right" things to say, other than "I'm so sorry?" And who among us hasn't bumbled through a funeral or said something stupid on hearing someone died...until it was *our* loss and *our* spouse. And the right thing to say varies with the situation. I've heard people say, "____ is in a better place" and sometimes thought "No, ___had a lot to do here, still," and other times thought, "I hope so. ____sure wasn't happy here." Death here in North America is treated as entertainment. You can buy Grand theft Auto and kill video characters to your heart's content. Police dramas on TV and "psychological dramas" are nothing more than 44 minutes of watching someone be tortured interrupted by the Chantrix turkey. Widows and widowers no longer dress in black, then gray, then lavender to mark the passing of a loved one. Is it any wonder a young-ish man who probably hasn't lost a peer, parent or lover is uncomfortable with being confronted with death (and yes, nervous smiling is a common response.) It isn't personal. It isn't intentional. It's pretty annoying and maybe hurtful, but we are in a unique position to educate others. The very first time someone said "ex-husband" to me, I looked him in the eye and corrected him frankly, firmly, on the spot. "Late husband, dear. I didn't leave him." A girl (I'd say woman, she's of that age, but not mature) spent a freaking hour showing me pictures of potential dates, before I'd even had my husband's memorial service. I kept waiting for her to realize how inappropriate that was. She never did. You know what? She's emotionally crippled. I feel bad for her. And I've dealt with the stupidity, too, We all have. You wanna hear something ironic? One call, one, to Philllip Morris was all it took to stop the Marlborough miles rubbish being sent to the house. The health insurance company, who paid for his last visit to the hospital sent stuff addressed to Late husband for six years.