I want to know if anyone can relate with this and how they handled it. First, a little history on me. My husband died suddenly over four years ago of cirrhosis of the liver at the age of 41. I was 40 at the time. A lot of grievance of our marriage was his addiction problems and in all honesty, I was about to leave him, but then he got sick. I grieved quickly since I feel I was grieving him way before he died. Within the first year of his death I did get involved with someone. He was a friend that turned into more and I moved in with him. The relationship was short lived. I never regretted the relationship but I do regret moving in with him. Anyways, he was the perfect transitional guy for me. He kept me busy and we had fun. Now I am in a very serious relationship that is leading to marriage.
So, when I got involved with the first guy, I had become close with my late husband’s older sister and her family. Their kids are all grown and they are a very religious family. They invited me to have dinner with them on Sunday’s. I started dating this guy but never got a chance to bring him to meet the family and before we knew it we were planning to move in together. He worked nights and lived on the other side of town with kids. It was honestly difficult to get a time for all of us to get together. I told the sister in confidence, since I assumed she was a “friend.” I was planning to bring him over so they could all meet and then when the time was right we would announce it. He wasn’t a mystery; they knew I was dating him. Well, the sister told everyone right away and the next time I came over for dinner they were all hostile towards me. Apparently, they had it in their heads that I needed to get their permission, blessing, whatever, before I moved forward with my life. When I told my own father, his exact words were “You’re a middle-aged woman, I don’t care what you do with your life.” When they finally met him, they were nice, but when we were leaving their place, he headed to the car and without him standing there, the bother-in-law said “So, do you guys have separate bedrooms or do you share one?” and one of the nieces said “Well, we know you didn’t want our approval, but he’s nice.” Nice backhanded compliment, huh?
The other issues. My late husband’s mother and his younger sister are two peas in a pod. They do everything together. Well, when I was invited to start having dinners with the older sister’s family, the mother became jealous. She did not understand why they were not invited every Sunday as well. These people know no boundaries. So, I would then get invites to hang out with the mother and younger sister and they would not invite the older sister. The older sister would get offended and then ask me if she could join us, blah, blah, blah. Do you see where I am going with this? It’s like I got stuck in the middle of a tug a war.
After I broke up with my ex and before I met my fiancé, the older sister and family would be nice and normal. I got involved with my fiancé and they started getting weird. More and more I have avoided them since they just make me feel bad about myself. I even went to a therapist and realized I wasn’t there because my husband died, I was there because his family drives me nuts.
Just a note too. When I my husband died, his older sister was very supportive, but I think in the wrong way. She and my husband were never close. I think she saw me as a chance to connect with her brother as weird as it may sound. I am the last connection to him. For the first six months, on the anniversary of his death each month, she would give me flowers and a card. The first three months were nice. Who doesn’t like getting flowers? After that, it was just weird. Even my therapist agreed on that one.
So, we never had kids, so there doesn’t need to be a connection with his family there, but I am torn. I feel obligated to have a connection with them, but half of them are nuts and quite frankly, the other half are just not nice. When I introduced them to my fiancé, the sister was drunk and her husband made a comment that he could now get deals at the place my fiancé worked at (dinner conversation at a restaurant). My fiance sees my side and supports whatever I decide to do; stay in touch with them or not.
Sorry this was kind of long and thank you in advance for your input and advice.
