BambiGrk

I can't grieve my husband because I am so angry with him. On the day of his funeral I was given his autopsy report. Its why I shut down. It's why I disappeared from this website even though its a great healing tool. I couldn't deal with what I read and literally didn't even know how to comprehend it. My husband died of a drug overdose. He died of heroin laced with fentanyl. I didn't even know he was on drugs, I had literally no clue. Not that anyone believes me. All of this suffering I have endured, I have endured because of a CHOICE he made?? The man that I loved more than anything on this planet was literally leading a double life. I am so angry and confused. He lied, deceived and manipulated me. He went to great lengths to hide this from me, obviously. People ask me how he passed away and I cant even respond. Part of me wants to tell the truth to help break the stigma on addiction and try to help someone else. He was not a bum on the side of the street kind of guy. He was in church every Sunday. He was God loving. He had aspirations. He wanted so badly to have children and build a family and he was loving and kind. But his family wants to keep it private as they are shamed from what he has done- which I guess I understand. I am tired of talking about it. My husbands death has destroyed me. It has ruined my life on so many levels. He left me financially screwed, an emotional wreck and an all over disaster. I have no desire to become a part of society again. I feel like I would feel so differently about this if he had died from something else. But I feel like he basically CHOSE to leave me. He made the decision to DO the drugs and he made the decision to HIDE these things from me. All it would have taken was for him to reach out for help, all he had to do was talk to me about whatever he was going through. In life I never would have judged him. I would have done ANYTHING for that man. I would have given anything for him. This is how he repaid me. I do love him. I will always love him. Regardless of what has happened. But how can I possibly not feel this way towards him? How can I possible not be angry with him for this? I do realize that the only person this anger is hurting is me... because he can't feel it. And so I am really trying to let it go. But I just cant seem to.

Butterfly, I am sorry you are grieving and for your loss as well. Yes, it is so hard when there is no one around that understands this type of loss. I def get the freak/alien thing, as that's how I feel too. Or it's like everyone is treating you with kid gloves. My Mother seems to think that she can do things to keep my mind off it; take me to get my hair or nails done, shopping, etc, etc. I suppose there are women out there that do grieve like that but for me personally I have no desire to do these things. They will not make me forget my loss and they will not stop my hurt, even for a minute. Not to say I don't appreciate her kind gesture. It is comforting to know that there are people going through the same thing, although I am sad that they have to...

I am trying not to be angry with God. My Husband was a very religious man, he had a very personal and close relationship with Jesus. I was always very happy for him, and I know without a doubt that right now he is in Heaven standing beside him. I myself believe in God and would occasionally go to Church with my Gregory to make him happy and to support him. But right now, in this moment, how can I let this feeling go? I know that it is wrong to feel this way, I do. I understand the concept that God has a plan for everyone. I even understand that while I am upset, while I am grieving, this must have been his plan... but I am angry. How can you take my Husband from me 4 days to our one year wedding anniversary? Before the chance to even begin trying for children? He wanted children so badly, more than anything. Ten of them, in fact. Although I told him he was crazy for that. Before our honey moon phase was really even over. It feels so wrong. He wasn't battling a life threating illness, he wasn't sick. Not that we knew of anyways. It was just a normal day. We were just getting ready for work. And next thing you know I'm screaming on the phone with 911 because my Husband is unconscious. I know I'll continue to feel this way at least until I get the autopsy report and they tell me why this has happened, and they said that can take 6-8 weeks... but I don't want to continue to feel this way... I want to let this go. But how? How do I stop being angry that my life as I knew it is over? That the love of my life has just suddenly disappeared with no explanation? I don't want to be angry with God, but how do I stop?

It's so hard to post here, it's so hard to even read this thread, but I'm really trying. I've read all these suggestions but can't help but wonder how much they really help, or if things will ever truly get easier. My Husband passed away a little over a week ago, four days before our one year wedding anniversary (though we had been together for almost six years). It was completely sudden and unexpected, he was only 25 and I am only 23. I feel so lost and confused. I am widowed before most of my friends are even married. Many of them are now engaged and my best friend phoned me today saying her BF proposed and I felt so bitter, and I don't want to feel that way. But I feel so robbed. Not just of my Husband, but of the future that we were supposed to have. The children that we were supposed to have. The life we were supposed to build together. I know that the grief is still fresh and that I'm young but right now I feel like I'll never over come this feeling. I'm so tired of people saying "Oh I know what you're going through I lost so and so" and it is NOT the same as losing YOUR person. Being a widow at 23 is like being trapped because NO ONE around me understands what it's like, especially not my friends.