Englishwidow

I had an experience in the week. Went to Pub Quiz and a nice man on team gave me and another couple a lift home, literally 1/2 mile, 2 mins in car. I sat in front seat. He went to kiss me goodbye etc and went for my lips. I know other women will understand this; it felt so odd, so icky, keep thinking about it afterwards. He has a lovely wife who sometimes comes to the quiz. All a little bit ‘Me Too’. I know not the same as BIL trying it on, but feel I can’t say anything to Quiz Man. Don’t want to draw attention to it, but will forever be a bit wary of him. Compared to BIL is mild and inconsequential. One feels somehow in the wrong and yet has done nothing wrong. For the sake of your family it would be very difficult to say something to him about inappropriateness, but perhaps go down the route of you not being ready, available and uncouchable with regards your sister and her memory. Hope you resolve things so is not always in back of mind when at family events.

My husband died 8 months ago. I couldn’t ever imagine getting to this point from when I was where you are. Bit by bit one manages to do things. You get out of bed, eat, lurk on the finges of this forum seeking solace in the posts of those who have gone before you. Time passes by and you think nothing is changing, but then you look back and realise there is an improvement. But you can’t be complacent and think you are sorted. One is circling the grief in an eliptical wobbly spiral. Sometimes you pull away and life goes on, other times the orbit touches the grief and you are back at the beginning. I used to read other posts and wonder how those widdas were so sorted and ‘grown-up’ whilst I felt incoherent and stuttering. I was feeling pretty good, finally got job, got new relationship, sorting house, then at weekend spent all day inexplicable random crying, worse than had ever experienced. The loss remains, you become better and stronger at carrying it with you.

I have just started seeing someone for first time since Husband died. I have had some big, inexplicable, swings between fear of it all, fear of leaving Husband behind and moving away from him, and really wanting to meet and engage with new man. No rhyme nor reason. Hes a widower of 4 years and just very understanding. No pushing. ‘Lets meet when you feel comfortable’ etc. That made it much easier. I was able to choose when met, when communicated etc. No hurtling into things. My pace. My comfort zone. Safe.

We’re probably all somewhere on the weird spectrum! You strung together 4 very coherent sentences, unlike the messages from my ‘likes’!

Thanks for all your replies. Yeah, in olden days if I was at a disco or in a club and weirdo came up would just say ‘ in your dreams mate!’. Somehow online, when sat in own living room on iPad, feels like weirdo at your door. Disconcerting. Just wasn’t prepared for them all to come knocking. Already changed profile, like you suggested. I have read all other Wids experiences of online and thought that the issues I’d be facing would be just weird-widow-world ones; ‘am I ready’, ‘can I realistically imagine gazing at another mans face let alone touching another man’, ‘am I past it’, ‘what would it be like’, ‘will I want to run off home’, ‘what will we talk about’, ‘will he laugh at my jokes’ etc etc. Was not expecting to have to wade through the fringes of society before even got to any gut twisting crises of widow confidence if someone OK actually contacted me. Nice frosty sunny morning here. Just back from walking dog over fields. New day. Dust myself off. Lower my expectations for ‘normals’ to contact me immediately. Be patient. Someone thought I was OK once, someone else will too. Its just when read all of your experiences seems to much more straighforward, than my bunch of freaks.

Sorry - just realised you are all in bed! Its 3 in morning in your worlds. I’ll return much later to see if anyone can set me straight.

Is this normal? Only just put photo and detailed text on last 24 hours. So far bunch weirdos clicked ‘like’ and worse weirdos sent messages. Do I carry on? Do weirds come out of the woodwork straight away ready to pounce, metaphorically, and have to wait a while for normals. OR is it something wrong with my profile? Help

Raymond, your analogy of grief as a weight, that one just becomes better at carrying, rather than a linear progression was perfect. Thank you