candace0902

Hi all, I havent been here in a long time; mostly because I thought in the past few years I had come to terms with losing Arnie. This year hit me like a tsunami. I lost him on the same day of the week in 2012. My 13 y/o dog is getting worse everyday. She is now on pain pills for the arthritus in her legs. She was diagnosed with cancer almost 3 years ago and I was told it was malignant and very invasive. They removed the tumor on the top of her head and has been on prednisone ever since and doing well. Today I found 3 fatty tumors and I dont think she has much time left. My retirement funds have been decimated with the recession and inflation. I've had multiple injuries in the last 5 years; broken ankle, broken wrist, torn rotator cuffsi in both arms and my mind is in a constant fog I have never felt to totally broken like I do now. I had quit smoking and limited my alcohol to 1 or 2 at night. I've lostmy appetite and am 25 # underweight. I'm 65 and have no energy left to keep fighting. The house is a mess. I had an enormous tree blown down by the 50 mph winds we had during the period when the entire US was in the extremely low tempurture and high winds. It cost $1200 to have it removed. I have another, larger tree a few yards away that will cost thousands to remove. And I am in a tsumi of grief that I havent felt in years. All I want to do is sleep. My last physical with CT scans showed a tiny nodule on top of my left lung. The radiologist wrote that because it was so small, that I have another CT scan in 12 months. There is nothing left to even try anymore. I feel like I openede Pandoras box only to find hope missing. Two of my siblings are also fighting a possible cancer diagnosis. I apologize for the Debbie Downer post. Since Covid I have become a virtual recluse; I shop once a week for food and supplies. I dont want to talk or see anyone because I know I will just hear "It will get easier" or "suck it up buttercup" or any of the unintentional but hurtfull responses like "It is God's plan" or "you should be past this by now" or suggestions from people who havent lost a spouse to rejoin the gym and senior center or to just "eat more or find a way to socialize with people again." For all those who are suffering either from a recent or long ago loss, my heart is with you and just know you are not alone. Thanks for listening. candace

I havent been here in a while; like others I read alot but dont post often. But its "that time of year" again and I see the wave coming and think "I am strong enough to get past this" but fall apart. So much happens between Thanksgiving and the first week of January. His birthday fell on Thanksgiving this year and December 2nd would have been our 19th wedding anniversary. Managed to get thru that but then I lost both of my 18 y/o cats within weeks of each other; the last living uncle and my dads wife and a dear college friend all died suddenly and Xmas was my dads birthday and somehow I have to get past NYE, the day we first met after phoning and chatting online. He spent most of Deceember in the hospital, was released on 12/30 and was back on 12/31. He coded the next day and was on life support until i signed the DNR report when he went into total organ shutdown. I tried dating a bit 3 years ago, but nothing ever clicked. I married late and the hardest adjustment was having him always there. When he died, I didnt know how to live alone. Now, after 7 years I have learned how to live alone but I seem to crave isolation. I joined a church group, applied as a Foster at the APL and rescue centers and just joined a fitness center. Last spring I decided to downsize and put the house up for sale and started looking for another place to live. Showings almost every day but few offers; and the stress took its toll on my health trying to keep the house and yard immaculate and keeping my senior cats and dog outside. I did do some updating, new carpet in family room and basement; new flooring in kitchen, gettmy enormous deck up to code with railing but still very few offers. My financial advisor told me I should start my husbands social security and along with my investments I could retire which I did. J stopped attending masses when they had a lighting remembrence during the service. I had no idea that when I lit that candle and spoke about my DH and father that I would be in tears. I dont want to deal with all the empty chairs so I go on auto pilot and withdraw. It will be 7 years in January. I am so afraid of having to relive the pain of widowhood and loss, I shut off any opportunities to start living again. I know I was at my physical and mental best when I joined the spinning, zumba and iron pump classes, so I am hoping this new membership will kickstart me back to that endorphin state and also become friends with fellow members. I just dont know if I will ever be able to go beyond the friend stage. My sibs are all grandparents now and I watch the videos they post on FB of the little one's excitement and am jealous. They all live out of state, but their kids (and grandkids) are less than 3 hours away. I know I am babbling and I apogize for the pity party; but it helps to know that here, I will not be judged and told to get over it but accepted and when your heart feels like is breaking, knowing that I am not alone helps me hang on. Thank you to all the people who do post; this is my island where I am safe, and I thank all of you for that. Candace

Thank you for posting; like you I do a lot of reading but seldom post. It still astounds me that the loss of Arnie can be BOTH feel like yesterday and tomorrow. I havent been able to feel strong anough to start a relationship, but I am so happy and hopeful when you and WheelersWife and others post about starting a second chapter. NG sounds wonderful; especially when he told Stoni he promised to take care of you.

This really hit home for me. I have always been somewhat of a loner (preferring my stuffed and then real animals to groups. Back in the day, most women were stay at home moms and would all gather with kids for adult conversation and guidance. I know the first 2 years after losing DH suddenly that this was pretty normal. but at 6 years, I should be so much farther along in becoming more social. Bering in that safe place means no more sudden bad news; no panic or alarm. Its quiet and calm and I am beginning to think of it as an addiction. I am involved in a few volunteer groups, and love doing that but all my coworkers are just that; coworkers who we chat with during break and lunch but no one I feel I could call in case of an emergency.

Its been a little over 6 years for me. I decided last year to sell; the house is just to big and expensive for me. I was excited to view homes on zillow and realtor; and I am actually working with a realtor to fix the cosmetic repairs; painting, replacing kitchen linoleum etc and have actually looked at a few homes. But the thought of leaving this house forever always bring pain. It was the last place where he was alive and when we were an "us" instead of the lonely "I". This was supposed to be our "Chapter Two", a new beginning for us. He was retired and I could affor to only work part time. He wanted to see Mount Rushmore, The Grand Canyon, spend a week in Maine coast relaxing, exploring and eating lobster. We only lived here for four months so it doesnt really make sense. I've moved on, slowly, but this feels like I am shutting the door and saying good bye forever. I wish he could just be back this one last time to help me through it. I know what he would say, in his slow southern drawl "It's ok honey, its just a house. I am always here " and hug me and give me his goofy smile.

Maureen, I am so happy you found your perfect 'niche'. You have always been such an inspiration for me, especially after being widowed twice and with so many huge changes to take in all at once!! Congratulations!!

Bunny, I am so very sorry. I have 1 dog and 2 cats; all over 16 and on meds. Its still so hard to let go of the four footed friends those first two years after DH. I have a few indicators that tell me its almost time do they keep tryiing to hide? Are they still eeating? Do the cats still sleep on me during the night? Does maggie, the dog, still go crazy with happiness when I return from work? Thank you for such a beautiful poem. Hugs, candacee

Thanks for the infor; the other factor I didnt considerr was the HOA fees; some are higher than my current mortgage. Eddie I actually am consitering a senior community; many in this area are more like transitional housing; start off independent, then into the semi assist and than totall nursing care like the one you mentioned. It sounds ideal.

I used to think I would never sell the house; the last place we called home. I need/want to downsize. 2 years ago, after my dad passed away, we did months work of remodeling. We all came to the conclusion that the better way would have been to sell as is; which is what I want to do with my house. It is structurally sound, I have gotten rid of all furniture and plan to stay in the area. My first question is what its like to live in a condo or townhouse; I dont have either the skills or strength for lawn care, snow plowing, etc which is why I thought about the alternatives to buying another house. The repairs are all cosmetic; what I would like to do is sell it as is to someone who wants to recarpet, refloor, etc. I would be asking far below the zillow price, but even at the reduced amount I could pay off this house and have a very small mortgage for the condo;townhouse. Is it better at this stage of life to just rent or actually own. I've done some research and there are pros and cons to both sides. I am now eligible for DH Soc Sec and could actually semi retire.

Hugs Maureen; I cant even imagine the pain you are experiencing. I hope the ache in your heart subsides and you find peace of some kind. I always admired your courage and strength. I so wish that we could somehow make the "widda island" a reality some day.

Thanks Jules and BK. As soon as I logged on and started reading it was like finding that one long lost friend who really gets you. I had forgotten that you are never alone and I miss the closeness and insight that is always offered.

Edited for clarity. Cliff note summary; I joined a site and began corresponding and then talking on the phone. I made it clear at this point I was only looking for friendship and companionship; a casual relationship. If more developed afterward, all the better. We were talking on the phone and somehow got on the topic of intimacy. He insisted their cannot be "total intimacy" until it became sexual. I disagreed and said there were many ways to be intimate with someone other than sex. No matter what I said he would respond with sexual innuendo. Is that how dating is these days? No getting to know each other, listening to the other persons stories to understand why they are like they are today? I'm just not the FWB type; is that the norm now? Can anyone who is now involve in a relationship discuss how it began? Its embarrassing to be so clueless this late in the game. :-[

Hello , I am another from the old board and haven't been back in quite awhile. I'm so glad that this site continued; I dont think i would have survived the first two years without all the love and support I found here. It will be six years on January 4th, and I still struggle with the holiday season. I'm glad to see some old friends here; our emails and phone calls were often the only life jacket I had. For the newly widowed; visit often and even if you dont post you will find such amazing support reading posts from others who are still reeling from the shock and pain of their loss; but know you will always be welcomed and supported by all of us here.