MissingMyJon

I am tentative for coming. If I can make it, it will be me and 1-3 of my children (depending on the custody schedule of my older two with my ex). I will bring some homemade mac-n-cheese, and some sort of dessert or two if I can come. I hope I can make it. It looks to be quite the party

piecesofapart, First, I am so sorry you have to spend your wedding anniversary without your love. It sucks to be without them on such a special day. My wedding anniversary is also Saturday, and have spent the last week in tears, trying to figure out how to cope with the day. Saturday will/would have been our 5th anniversary, my 3rd without him. Since I will have my youngest with me (she is 4), and doesn't really understand the concept of a wedding anniversary, my goal on Saturday is to keep busy. I will get together with my FIL for a bit, as well as hopefully get a project or two worked on around the house. I did take today (Friday) off from work, as I have been a blubbering mess the whole week. And I will use the day to either go to the beach (we got married at the beach), or maybe even work on our wedding album, as we have everything digitally, but this past week I have been wishing I had a photo album of our wedding to look through pictures. Or maybe I will just spend the day in bed. I don't know what I will do in the end. I hope you find a way to get through the day, Sending you hugs.

Thank you both for your replies. It is hard when those pieces disappear.

FUCK YOU DEATH! Fuck you for taking the love of my life. He was only 28 when he died. How the fuck does that happen? Fuck you for taking my past, my present, my future Fuck you for taking my hopes, dreams, happiness, my joy in life Fuck you for making April 30th a day I will forever remember

That is wonderful news! Glad she is doing so well.

My DH was a retail store manager in a small local mall. I was walking in the mall today and I saw the store had closed. The spot where he had spent so many hours is now vacant. And I lost it. Tears streamed down my face. I couldn't believe it had closed. And that I would never see his store again. I haven't gone to that mall much, or been by his store much since he passed. It always hurt to be there. But every once in a while I would walk by, hoping beyond hope I would see a glimpse of him. I knew he wasn't there, but I just missed him so. It'll be two years at the end of the month, and I just needed to walk by and see his store, see a piece of him. And now that has been taken as well. The ironic thing is, I hated that store. It is a small store, and so he ended up there all the time. It took him away from me, from our family. Now, I would give anything to still have it there. Because that is where he always was. A piece of him. I wish I had known. If I didn't have to pick up my kids, I would have curled up on the floor next to the store. Just needed to get that out. Thanks.

It has been 20 months since DH died, and I still have grocery store issues. Food issues in general. I make food every night for my kids. But it is for my kids. I have yet to have any real food cravings except maybe peanut butter. I like peanut butter. I don't know what to make, and most nights it is chicken salad and crackers, peanut butter and crackers, or a sandwich. The only time I have real dinner meal is when I am with other people. How hard can it be to figure out what food I want to eat? And speaking of cleaning, I have dusted my ceiling fan blades since Jon died. And I have ceiling fans in every room in the house I am almost afraid to dust them now, worried what creepy crawly thing might be decaying in the dust blanket on those blades.

Well, for me, my first husband was just a few years older than me. My DH was 11 years younger than me. It is funny in that my first husband in most ways was much more immature than my second husband. And I met my DH when he was just 21, and I already had kids from my first marriage. He loved my kids and was very involved with them. My DH was just the perfect balance of youthful energy and optimism wrapped in an old soul. My DH was perfect for me, and the age was only an issue for our families. Jon and I used to joke when I would say, when we get older. And he would smirk and in jest say, what do you mean, "we." I thought that since women outlive men by about 5-10 years that would be perfect for us. We would die together. I did outlive him in the end, but that gap will now be ridiculous. <sigh> Anyway, I think age isn't a factor with the right person. It depends what qualities you want in your future mate, and whether or not qualities affected by age (such as maturity, wanting (or not) wanting a family, youthful energy, outlook on life) work for or against what you are looking for.

I am actually just weepy and sad today. It started at 11:30 last night when I came across the movie P.S. I Love You. And even though I knew what the movie was about I couldn't stop myself from watching it. So I kicked off Valentine's Day crying on and off during the entire movie. Couldn't get to sleep and then woke up still weepy and sad. Thank goodness I knew it would be an emotional day and planned accordingly by having my kids friends over for the day. It kept me from curling into the fetal position for the day. Jon and I loved to do something special for Valentine's Day when it fell on a weekend. We just wanted to steal those precious couple moments whenever we could, and used Valentine's Day as an excuse. Wishing he was here for a sweet Valentine's kiss.

I also had a similar experience with my friends trying to comfort me by saying he is still with me. "He is still with you" doesn't help me at all either. I get what they mean, but "having him in my heart" just isn't enough for me. It will never be. Hugs to you as you hit the 2 year mark. Hopefully the grief waves will calm a bit soon, giving you a bit of relief.

The first one is a Sonnet he printed out for me on our first Valentine's Day together, framed along with a photo of us. Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ And this one I came across recently My Love Is Lost My love is lost. I held it as a handful of sand, clenching my fist to hold it there. Yet, bit by bit, it slipped through my straining fingers. Now, nothing but memories of every smile, every kiss, and, above all, every word. For 'twas not into my ear you whispered but into my heart. 'Twas not my lips you kissed, but my soul. And when I opened my tired hand and found my love was gone I trembled and died. I struggle to hide my deadness. To conceal the emptiness in my eyes, that sparkle with tears always so close but never come. My mind quivers and screams, fight, fight to live But why? My handful of existence has vanished. My love is lost. My love is lost. ~Judy Garland

Southeast PA here. West of King of Prussia.

That's great news! Always love good news to kick off the weekend.

Carey, I am with ya. I used to love the magic of Christmas, even with all the chaos that the holiday brought. It was my favorite time of the year. But this year I am just in tears. And the lights and XMas music is slowly killing me. I wish I didn't have to decorate at all, but will need to do something minimal for my kids (where is Santa going to put the gifts?). And I will need to help my parents decorate as well. But if it was up to me, I would find someplace to bury my head in the ground until the holiday season was over. The holidays without my DH is just too much to bear this year, and like you, the joy is just gone.

Thank you for sharing. My feelings exactly.