Peony

This just says it all for me. It is everything that I had and everything that I am holding out for again. I have learned throughout my life and in my husband's death that people have very different capacities for love. Some people are naturally set to a high degree, while other people are more basic and surface level. I have always been the deep passionate type. I don't fall easily or haphazardly, but when I do, I give myself completely. For me it has to be true, genuine and sincere, or it just can't be. To settle for a relationship that does not have a deep connection is far more painful for me than just being alone. I know that I could love someone else just as much as I loved my husband. My relationship with him is completely separate from my ability to love. The question for me really is, will I be able to find someone that I am that compatible with again? It does help to know how others have dealt with this, so I appreciate this post and hearing of everyone's unique experiences.

I could tell from early on that I would need a significant amount of time. I needed the time to be alone and be there for my kids. My heart was nowhere close to being free enough to give to someone else. It took me a full 7+ years before I was actually ready to date. I have been back in the dating pool for a little while now and I have found it to be frustrating and difficult. I find the prospect of marketing myself quite disturbing as well. But I realize that the world and dating are very different these days. It was just so effortless back in high school when I met my husband. One thing that does put a smile on my face though is that I kind of picture my husband laughing about it all. As if he were saying, "Man, some of these guys make me look like a saint!"

It has often been said that the second year is the hardest. Subjective, I know. But generally speaking, it is the point that time starts taking its toll. Truthfully, I have no advice or wisdom. I just wanted to say that I hear you. I have been in quite an emotional rut myself lately and your words really hit home. I think your line of, "Now I am faced with the desolation of looking forward to a future that stretches out day after day, year after year without her" pretty much sums up my thought process today. As well as the last couple of weeks. It's almost as if every so often I have to re-acclimate myself to the true length and magnitude of this process. Amazingly, I still find it just as shocking, sad and awe inspiring as the time before. No matter how many years go by, there are still days that take me down. I completely understand also the crying at inopportune times. I had one of those just this past weekend at church. Something just hit me at the end and I just couldn't make it out before the tears started to fall. Congratulations on moving though. That is a big accomplishment and understandable that it is stirring up a lot of emotion. I wish for you a peaceful week ahead!

Doesn't this just say it all! So much to reconcile there. Even now. {{{Hugs}}} Bunny! Your post really touched me. Oh, how the anniversary can wreak havoc on the heart & mind! I identified with so much of what you said. From the sitting in the chair staring off into space to the impenetrable wall. I'm so glad though that you were able to see him again and hear him talk about you. After all this time, what a special & unexpected gift! Peace and hugs!

Hi Mike! This is the line that jumped out to me. A red flag, maybe? I can understand her feelings, but it's a complex and sensitive issue to say the least. I have not had to deal with this yet, but I perceive it being an issue for me in the future as well. My name is on the headstone and it has always been my intention to be buried next to DH. However, if I remarry I don't know how I will feel. I wouldn't want to hurt a future husband's feelings or disrespect that union in any way either. I agree with Trying & Mizpah that my children's feelings will have to be taken into account, as they will be the one's visiting the grave. At a later date I even had our children's names put on the back of the headstone. So for me, it really is a family affair. I do sympathize with your situation and I can see how it could take on a bigger meaning than originally intended. As it seems that your fiance' is interpreting your choice as validation of your 'true' feelings. Even though we all know that there is no comparison, she is feeling insecure about it. I wish you the best and I hope that the matter resolves itself peacefully for both of you!

Too funny Love2fish! Thank you for the laugh, I needed that today! Thanks for at least considering me!!

Oh man! Love2fish, those are all of my finest qualities!

Our hearts and prayers are with you! 💜💜💜

So true!

Oh my goodness Leadfeather, that totally made me laugh! I'm glad to see that you have not lost your sense of humor!

I am so sorry Lmsmdm! You are all most definitely in my prayers.

I honestly don't think so. I think it's just one of the many ways we have become forever altered by our experience.

rifatheroffour, Your post made me smile! Those are always wonderful moments!

Hi sudnlysngl, I'm glad you were able to spend that time with your daughter today. I hope she had a wonderful birthday!

This is why a home is never just a house. Our home is a real, tangible location that has given witness to all of our memories & experiences. It holds a place in time as well as a place in our heart. The stone wall, the tree trunk, the bulbs & the river, they all have irreplaceable meaning and value. I understand completely everything you said and the doubt & apprehension that you feel. Your concern for DD as well as the fact that it represents another lost connection to DH. However, your reasons for moving are also valid. Long commute, maintenance, worry, isolation and loneliness. I don't think that you made the decision too emotionally at all. I would venture to say that you agonized over it for a painfully long amount of time. Probably loosing many nights of sleep pondering over all of the possibilities. You admit that it was the rational decision and it was most certainly the harder of the two choices. That's usually how you know it was the right one. I have moved once out of necessity and once out of choice. The moving process was difficult & emotionally taxing, but I have no regrets. I am happy where I am now. Sometimes you just inherently know when it's time to move on. I think you should be extremely proud of yourself and look forward to that new chapter. You made a wise choice for you and DD and you are providing her with a wonderful example of fortitude!

This past weekend we had guests over. Friends and family were going between the house and the back patio. As I was talking to someone I looked up at the back door and my son was walking in from the patio. For that split second, all I seen was his father. He had a ball cap on & sunglasses and he looked exactly like DH. When my son was old enough to drive he wanted to buy a truck just like the one his dad used to have. I felt fortunate to find one that was identical to DH's. Of course, I didn't realize that seeing my son in the truck would cause an emotional reaction. Every time he came & went it sincerely felt like I had just seen DH. I would love to hear about other similar experiences anyone has had with seeing your spouse in your children. It always makes me smile when it happens, even though it doesn't happen all of the time. When it does happen, it takes my breath away. Even if just for a brief moment.

Hi Maureen, This just warms my heart to read this. What an awesome tribute to John!

This is true for me as well. I do sincerely still miss DH & I still miss absolutely everything about being married. I can certainly make it on my own, but it goes completely against my human nature.

Hi Abitlost! Happy early Mother's Day!! 10 years is an incredibly long time to shoulder this alone. Your decade of unspoken sacrifice & dedication is tremendous, but very much appreciated! I remember hearing once that if parenting is easy, then you're doing it wrong! See how awesome you are! Peony

Garrett's 1st Letter to Catherine - "Message In a Bottle" Dear Catherine, I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you in so long. I feel I’ve been lost…no bearings, no compass. I kept crashing into things, a little crazy, I guess. I’ve never been lost before. You were my true North. I could always steer for home when you were my home. Forgive me for being so angry when you left. I still think some mistake’s been made… And I’m waiting for God to take it back. But I’m doing better now. The work helps. Most of all, you help me. You came into my dream last night with that smile… That always held me like a lover… rocked me like a child. All I remember from the dream…is a feeling of peace. I woke up with that feeling….and tried to keep it alive as long as I could. I’m writing to tell you that I’m on a journey toward that peace. And to tell you I’m sorry about so many things. I’m sorry I didn’t take better care of you… So you never spent a minute being cold or scared or sick. I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to find the words…to tell you what I was feeling. I’m sorry I never fixed the screen door. I fixed it now. I’m sorry I ever fought with you. I’m sorry I didn’t apologize more. I was too proud. I’m sorry I didn’t bring you more compliments…on everything you wore and every way you fixed your hair. I’m sorry I didn’t hold on to you with so much strength that even God couldn’t pull you away. All my love, G The last line is an obvious favorite. But I also love how he goes from talking about his feelings to fixing the screen door in the very next line. Because isn't that just exactly how the wid brain works!

Hi Lindsay, I know that saying sorry is so completely inadequate, but I am so very sorry! I wish I could give you a real hug. I was 37 when my DH died suddenly and I was left with 3 young children to raise so I completely relate to that part. However, I cannot even fathom how difficult it would be with a 2 year old and a baby on the way. As Portside said, just make it through today. Then tomorrow do it again. Don't look too far ahead right now. You will find that sometimes it's really even just about getting from minute to minute. Keep posting if you can. Even in the darkest hours, there is always someone here that will listen and be able to understand. Peace, hugs & my deepest sympathy!

Hi RyanAmysMom, I just wanted to echo that sigh! This breaks my heart in such a familiar way. And yet, it's so beautiful all at the same time. What a powerful testimony to your love! Peace & Hugs!!!

The differences go far beyond just the issue of shared pain. I got this a lot from my own sister who had been divorced. She made all of the usual comparisons, "I know just how you feel", Death is better than divorce" etc. In fact, it brought out a real bitter/ugly side to her personality because she felt like I received more sympathy than she did. I never took the bait or said anything because I felt it pointless to do so. To me they are just two completely different situations. End of story. Fast forward a couple of years... You will be happy to hear that she is now happily remarried to her husband! God Bless the opportunity of reconciliation! Me, well... ((( crickets ))) Yep, still not the same!

StillWidowed, I'm starting to think that you are just incredibly irresistible!!! ;D

"Perhaps I just haven't met the right person." Mac, I really think this is your answer! You are obviously still driven by that same sense of adventure & spontaneity as before. The right person will only add & enhance those experiences, as Cindy so perfectly did. I'm sure you have met a lot of wonderful candidates. You just haven't come across spectacular! I think you will though, in time. Because that is who you are & obviously those are the kind of people that you attract into your life. I hope you are enjoying the snow today! I am so envious of this because I have the complete opposite problem. I am extremely spontaneous in a relationship, but a complete hermit by myself. Because you do have so many opportunities to interact with so many various people, the odds are definitely in your favor. I sincerely do believe that you will find that special someone and be able to have that "magic" again! One of these days, hopefully soon, being in the right place will match up to being there at the right time.