Jump to content

kflex

Members

0

Followers

20

Content Count

Country

Genre

Zodiac

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    07/19/2017
  • Name of Spouse
    Justin
  • Date Widowed
    7/19/2017
  • Cause of death
    cancer
  • Spouse's Age
    40


Recent Profile Visitors

Recent Profile Visitors

206 profile views
  1. @Melissa brown, hey melissa, i am so sorry you had to join this group. My life has greatly improved but I do remember that the first 6 months were absolute hell. If you'd like to talk more please just send me a message, I'd love to hear your story. I found that spilling my guts to complete strangers was exactly what i needed. i couldn't tell some of the darkest stuff to my family or friends, they would have had me committed.
  2. kflex

    Smear Campaign

    @tybec sheesh, this sounds like my situation, and i have avoided pleas to file a malpractice suit because i know it will cause more problems with the ex. I am just beside myself. @Bunny @BrokenHeart2 I cannot afford a lawyer! Had we known Justin was going to pass so quickly we would have done a will, but we didn't. So i am relying only on community property laws for Wisconsin. The only saving grace i have right now is that the home we shared was mine and remained in my name only. I of course had to pay off all of the medical bills, his credit cards, funeral expenses, and the cost of the home equity loan that was solely in my name but we used to make our home large enough for all of us. He had a car in his name that was worth very little and his small bank account, and both of those were transferred to my name as his wife, so I suppose I came out ahead in her mind...it makes me so sick and so sad. As I understand it (still waiting to be served her attorney's letter) from gossip, she feels his kids deserve everything that was "his" or that they want of their fathers, including electronics, furniture, all things he got after their divorce and many of them I wound up paying off when he died as they were on credit. The kids have told me directly that they are not the ones asking...either way, i cannot afford to fight her but I can't afford to refurnish my home, and I am just sick that there are people in this world who are pure evil. She gets more than twice what he gave her in child support a month from social security, she has since bought a new home and new car, furnished it completely, and I get nothing and never will, we weren't married long enough, and i am FINE with that. And the money that was raised at a couple of fundraisers and the GoFundMe that was set up I put it into college savings accounts for HIS kids! Nothing is good enough, she and these few other people want to destroy me. Apparently anyone can threaten legal action and we victims just have to cope, while still grieving. It is despicable.
  3. kflex

    Will it ever feel better

    It will get better, but the timing is different for everyone, as you can see on this forum. I truly think that we just learn to live around it, and I thought I would never move past the pain, and then I did, inexplicably. I will say, I saw this on Twitter long ago and it still remains the best analogy I've heard about how grief affects us: https://themighty.com/2018/12/ball-box-analogy-grief/
  4. kflex

    Smear Campaign

    It has been almost 2 years since my husband died, and while 99% of the people who knew and loved him best have been absolutely supportive, loving and always here for me, there are about 4 people who absolutely hate me, including his ex-wife. It's a long story, and a real shame, but death brings out the worst in some people I guess. I'm wondering if anyone else has dealt with CRAZY after death, because I am now the victim of a narcissistic smear campaign started by Justin's ex-wife. Her rationale is lacking, but i believe that it stems from her borderline personality disorder and narcissism; she could never stomach the fact that her children love me and my kids and want to spend time with us. She is also insanely jealous that I am now in relationship with Justin's best friend (all of our families, all of our children, Justin's children and family, all of our friends are VERY SUPPORTIVE of this, by the way). But she is the mom and she makes the rules, I have no legal say in the kids' lives and so after almost 2 years of trying a schedule out with her in order to keep the kids together, I had to be the bigger person and put a stop to it all. Her behavior and inability to let her children love and spend time with me was scarring her kids, and I could no longer stomach it. It was clear that it was damaging HER children who would fight her all week to get to our home and then have to deal with constant stress while with us, and it wasn't healthy for them and their healing and mourning. My three children were also on this emotional rollercoaster and it was breaking my heart all over again. Other than losing my husband, making the decision to let my stepchildren go, who I love as I love my bio kids, is the hardest thing I have ever done. The ex continues to use her children to bait me. I know that I am the ONLY person in her entire life to have put up boundaries and called her out on her bullshit and when I told her that I would no longer take it, and I would no longer allow her to do that to ANY of the children, she went off the deep end and has now waged all out war on me. I've given her all she wanted, I let her kids go, I packed up all of their belongings, I have stopped communicating with them, but she keeps after me. Maybe she can't deal with the guilt for all the pain she is causing them, and us, maybe? Either way, she is unhinged and her claims and attacks have affected not only me, but my family, my children, my stepchildren, Justin's friends and family and many others; I fear soon she will take her allegations to my workplace. She has now hired a lawyer and is coming after me, for what, I do not yet know (I have not received the certified letter yet but know it is coming). Has anyone else dealt with anything like this? I go places and women I have NEVER met glare at me, she's spreading blatant lies - drug allegations, theft allegations, cheating allegations, you name it - I hear things from strangers, it is unreal, and if it wasn't happening TO me, I'd think even writing all of this sounds just as insane and paranoid. Has anyone encountered such anger after death? Such vitriol? Jealousy and malice? Has anyone else been sued for their deceased's belongings? Has that worked? There was no will, everything, which was basically only tens of thousands of dollars in bills, was left to me. For the record, his kids were given whatever they wanted of their father's, this isn't them, this is all her. I know that the best reaction is no reaction, and I do not respond to her or others, I just cry myself to sleep every night again. I am stuck here just letting it happen, I can't defend myself, and my husband's memory is being tarnished for loving and choosing me. I know I cannot rationalize with crazy, but it still really, really hurts, on top of the grief i have for losing his children. Thanks for listening.
  5. kflex

    Life after life

    when my hubby died my, at the time, 7 year old son was so concerned about where he went, if heaven was real...I had no good answers, no one does. but it was actually my little boy who decided that he was going to believe that heaven is whatever Justin would want it to be, so he knew that wherever Justin was, we were already with him. That has brought me a lot of peace, and for someone who had zero faith my whole life, i now have faith that this is what's going to happen.
  6. kflex

    Wish I could die today

    i have been were you are, it is awful there, but i reached apathy where it was at least quiet. I would have killed myself if i didn't have kids. I can only speak for myself, but one day it hit me: I cannot be anything BUT the person my husband fell in love with, and i suddenly felt like i was letting him down. He hated me sad, said seeing me cry was the worst thing on the planet. And while i will never be that person again, i am trying to honor him by finding myself again. I still cry, but I also get to live. He doesn't. So i will do it for him. I am not arrogant enough to say that this works for everyone, and i am so sorry that you lost your true love.
  7. kflex

    Getting Rid of His/Her Clothes

    Don't get rid of a thing until YOU want to! The world keeps spinning no matter what we do with the stuff left behind. I am finally, after nearly 2 years, able to move his things into another closet. I have ex-friends furious with me for not giving everything to his ex-wife, since they were together longer, family telling me it was time to pack things up months ago...in grief you do ONLY what brings you peace. Someone said "your grief, your rules," and no truer words, friend.
  8. OMG, this is sooo a real thing! There have been so many signs in the almost 2 years since Justin has been gone. Feathers has always been a big one, if i ask him, even in the dead of Wisco winter, i'll find one waiting for me. He likes to mess with the lights, and right after he passed his best friend Eric was sitting in Justin's office and the lights starting going on and off like crazy. Justin also had some LED strip lighting around his desk and when i was on my first phone call with a medium, they turned on and went back and forth from purple (his favorite color) to green. I turned them completely off, and they did it again, several times over the last year in fact. During that call i also had several statements come up that ONLY J would use or say. The medium also told me that Justin wanted me to know that I needed to continue to keep Eric in my life, that we were meant to be something more. I traveled a lot to see our best friends in the months after J died, and I always felt him riding shot gun and holding my hand on the way. There have been times with our best friends where they would see me be pushed or nudged; i didn't even necessarily notice, but my best friend always knew, saying "did you feel that? you almost were pushed over! J is so happy we are all together!" (our small group of best friends were like family, we were closer than close, and these guys were his BROTHERS) J also communicates to me through music, changing Spotify from my, according to J, "hipster heroin bands," to his favorites, always with a message to me in the lyrics. In the last year as i was getting closer to E, mentioned above, we both got all sorts of signs, almost as if he was pushing us to be together. Well, after almost a year, E just moved in with me this past weekend, and shit has been just crazy! My chair was bumped as i was sitting on the patio, enough for to nearly tip me out of it. I then went in to tell E and upon looking into the basement, where Justin's office is at the bottom of the stairs, the light was on. I KNOW it was off, and E hadn't been down there yet. Thought i was losing my mind, or, even worse, J wasn't happy and this wasn't what he wanted for us, but after telling Justin's sister, she said that J is welcoming E home. There are too many signs to mention, and as pretty much an atheist before all of this, it has me shook. I tried to rationalize, did appropriate research, but by now, i just KNOW they are from Justin. Whenever i am struggling, feeling guilty or am stressed out, he does something to let me know that he's got me, that i need to be happy and be the woman he fell in love with. i take so much peace in that. I believe that "Heaven" is what you want it to be, and so wherever he is, we are already there, and he is happy.
  9. kflex

    FWB

    similar but not exactly the same, i became closer to my husband's best friend Eric after Justin's death. he would check on me every single morning, we would talk all day long via text, as we both grieved such a huge loss. These two men were like BROTHERS, actually closer than brothers, and it was the most beautiful thing to witness. In fact, when i had to decide to pull Justin off of life support i made us wait until Eric could get to the hospital. It was a moment we shared and we were bonded forever over that horrible moment. Over the months I became Eric's best friend, and he mine, and after about 8 months, he slowly opened up to me about how miserable he was in his marriage. I knew there were issues, but E did a good job of acting for a VERY long time. Losing his best friend made him realize he needed to make his life better, and he realized he was not allowed to grieve, his wife didn't understand why he would be so sad about just a friend. Of course we had gotten very close (he lived 4 hours away), and when he said his feeling for me were changing, we decided that he must only focus on his marriage and what he truly wanted, we both had to make absolute sure of our choices, because there was a lot at stake (kids, friends, family), and there was no way we were willing to tread the lines of an emotional affair. A couple months later he left his wife, and he admitted he had fallen in love with me, and i knew i had fallen in love with him, too. At our core we had become best friends first, and when he first came to visit me after leaving his wife, we were both unsure, but things happen as they are meant to and it was natural and beautiful and i felt no guilt. i knew in my heart justin had done this to us, put the two people in his life that he loved the most together. I am honored to love two amazing men at one time, one here and one not, and the beauty in that is that Eric loves Justin, too, and will never keep me from talking about him, from crying, we feel it all together. There are just two things in my life that i have never doubted or questioned: the first was Justin, the second is Eric. People questioned, were we filling voids, all the normal things that people who care would ask, but we know we aren't. It can work, and it can be absolutely beautiful, but feel it in your gut first. If you just miss affection and sex, maybe don't try with a close friend. if it doesn't go well it can affect a lot of people. I wish you well.
  10. Leadfeather, I know what you mean. I welcome it, because at least I'm not crying all the time. Or angry. But at the same time, I'm afraid not to feel. Sometimes i really think that I need to get off of my antidepressants, LOL.
  11. Is reaching a place where you're just numb and totally apathetic to everything and everyone normal? I'm 7.5 months out since losing my husband, and I've found that most of the time I feel nothing now. I even went on a vacation with my kids and family to Mexico and felt absolutely nothing. No excitement to be there. Was a lot of work to pack and live out of a suitcase. It was nice to escape Wisco winter, and not have to go to work, but I couldn't even find happiness there. There are glimmers: I can take some joy knowing that my kids had fun, I wasn't a basket case, although I was sad because J was missing, but otherwise, I basically just moved my numbness from cold to warm. I'm afraid that by NOT feeling, I'm letting go. I don't want to be a walking, talking zombie. But maybe this is normal?
  12. Thank you for that feedback. Eileen, I have tried it all. I have had boundaries, I have opened up our home, my heart, tried to bring her into the fold, but nothing, absolutely nothing, works, and these two young kids are being tormented and put in the middle. My stepson cried to me yesterday, and I realized that I may need to walk away, for their sake. While it would be sad for everyone, maybe the kids not having her on them all the time, making them feel guilty for wanting to come to our house and be with the other kids, will actually allow them to move forward. I am so torn. It is so bad that I fear the only solution is walking away.
  13. I have done that. We have a schedule, I told her that my kids need that. She has a personality disorder (my sister is an MSW and this is her speciality and after just a few interactions with the ex, she nailed it). The ex also loves the attention she gets and really thinks of herself as the true grieving widow, but that's a whole other story... So we have a schedule, I stick to it, but if she feels that I'm not giving HER enough attention as she works through her grief, she pulls them from us. It's a power struggle, something she tried with Justin often. I speak my mind, though, and am firm and consistent. She always comes around and eventually feels guilty, but she still puts me through it. She thrives on drama. I have put up boundaries, and I have to keep them, for my well being. But I fear that the time will come when I don't give into her demands of my attention and friendship, and we will see them less and less. I don't know if there's an answer, or if anyone else has a decent working relationship with the ex and can offer tips.
  14. I think I am still in shock. Struggling to come to terms with what was at once the best and worst year of my life, and so I just feel nothing but sadness and confusion. My best days were when I basically feel nothing. And I fear that this is how I will be forever. Completely apathetic, unable to care about anything or really anyone. Of course I love my kids, but I'm still in a haze. Maybe people with longer history than ours had ups and downs. Justin and I only had ups, and we just kept rising in our love, it was unbelievable and people still comment to me how amazing it was to watch. We both had been through so much in our pasts that in finding one another we were on cloud nine, all of the time. No fights, no irritations, no stress, just a really cool life. We had so many plans and dreams, and I was just adjusting to it all and taking it all in and I truly never thought I would ever be that happy and loved. There is no question that he and I were soulmates. Once in a lifetime kind of love. We had a blast every day. He taught me to love life, and now I hate life. And I absolutely HATE that I hate everything. Depression isn't something I'm used to, but now I get it. Every day I have to work so hard to just get out of bed. Half the days I just get the kids off to school and go back to our bed. Just venting, not really sure my point, LOL. But what leadfeather said rings true...endless winter.
  15. Just wondering, if your spouse/partner had children, are you still allowed to see them after their passing? I AM lucky enough to see my husband's children relatively often, although it's always something his ex has control over, and she thrives on that. Any tips on negotiating while grieving? My three bio kids are so attached to their step-sibs, so I do everything I can to keep them together, but dealing with an unstable ex is difficult, especially now.

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    07/19/2017
  • Name of Spouse
    Justin
  • Date Widowed
    7/19/2017
  • Cause of death
    cancer
  • Spouse's Age
    40


Recent Profile Visitors

206 profile views
×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.