messageinabottle

2 TV's. One downstairs hooked to the WII U. And one in my bedroom. That is it. The boys won't have a tv in their room. No need actually. Honestly I don't watch much of anything anyone. I sometimes wonder why I have cable. I never really watch a whole show even if the tv is on! Growing up I did have a small tv in my room at a certain point ...but we only got 2 channels anyway on the farm. No cable ! LOL

In November it will be 10 years. I was pregnant with my 2nd son when he died. They will now be 10 and 9 years old. As my oldest was only 5 1/2 mos old when he died. It is crazy to think that I have made it this far. Sometimes I look at it saying where did time go? How the heck did I do this? And now what? I feel I have to somewhat keep a foot in the past. My boys want to know their father more than ever. Stories, pictures, some of his things. Anything tangible they can hang on to. So part of my "foot is there in the past. Every milestone brings up a "twinge" of it shouldn't be this way. Who the heck dies so young when you just are starting your family? Every decision I make on the boys falls on me but sometimes I try to think what he would do to help. My boys will never experience the physical love of their father being here. They will never experience what it is like to have another parent love them as much as I do. So my foot has to remain in the past to bring up memories for them. And I think honestly part of me will always be there. That spot where that foot remains is where that life ended. So my other foot is on the other side of the line now trying to run into the future, glide, walk and figure out the baby steps. Lately that is a very "odd" feeling like being in between 2 universes still at times longing to go back but knowing the other foot must go forward as hard as it is. It is exhausting raising 2 boys alone with little to no support. We always find our way to make it all work somehow. Imperfect as we are my boys are pretty good little human beings despite their mother and maybe because of me at times! Just hard to toggle the universe at times.

Yep Well a lot of men. I didn't really know what a FWB was until the last few years. I find that is what men want that I have encountered. All the benefits of a relationship with none of the commitment. It has proven frustrating. But I do know there are good guys out there just takes time to find them. I have said this before too online dating is like online shopping to some they cannot have enough shoes. To some men/women they cannot have enough texting contacts or interests to boost their ego. It is a very frustrating world to me this online dating but I do not have time to meet a man really any other way.

I have been saying this the last couple years "I process emotions differently as a widow than I did as a non widow". That means different things to me I guess. Stuff that was a "big deal" before isn't to me now and stuff that wasn't a "big deal" before is now. Confusing? Yes. I have always been a sensitive, emotional person. I don't want to change who I am not at all. I have to learn my emotions all over again though as a widow. Because I process things very differently. I also have the new found ability/defense mechanism of completely shutting things off and becoming "cold". I do not like that either. So it is a challenge to learn the new me and how I process emotions. As time goes on I do find myself being better able to handle the rollercoaster.

Good Luck on the field trip. Ignore the negative and focus on the positive and the peacefulness. Proud of you for being able to go and to be able to share this experience with your son. Not so sure I could do that !

So before our "big" wedding we went to Vegas just the 2 of us. We got married. It was magical. It was love it was special and it was just us. Then we had the big wedding later with family. No one in our family knows that we did that. And I have no need to tell anyone. So tomorrow it would be 15 years ago that I married my amazing husband ...just the 2 of us in a very amazing ceremony. We had dinner out afterwards and dancing and the whole time I kept thinking how much I absolutely loved this man I married . I couldn't wait to spend a long life with him. He died 4 years later. So to my dear husband: Happy 15th Anniversary! I still love you to this day. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for an amazing life together and for always making me feel like more. For always smiling when you saw me and saying "I love you" a million times a day. Thank you for the gift of our 2 little boys. They are amazing like you. I love infinity times infinity ! (We used to say that all the time).

Thank you everyone. You all have wrote things I have thought, felt or am feeling now. Sometimes I feel like man if anyone at work knew how I really felt. But yes I am to be a practicing Catholic for my job. I do practice, go to church and participate. But inside I have been exposed to other churches went to other churches and loved parts of all of them ! I am giving my children a base. What I grew up with and when they get older they will choose whatever they wish. I am exploring my spirituality and kind of mix it up along the way. My beliefs are varied . Hard at times as I listen to those at work and think wow. They haven't even really experienced life and are trying to tell others what is "wrong" all the time. But the job is good , the pay is good, the flexibility is good. I just have to "zone"out a lot as sugarbell says. And other times I open my mouth and make very logical arguments about the "real world". Stop sitting up here in the office and go out and experience what is really happening.

Ok I want this to be a safe place to post not to bash another's views. (Just wanted to say that ..) I have done so much soul searching lately. So here it is . I work for my church. The Catholic Church. I sit there day in and day out and hear very conservative , rigid , judgemental views. It is hard some days to work there to be honest. It is part time , pays decent , and is flexible. I do go to church, I have faith (that waivers honestly) and some times I want to jump out of my skin working where I do but they treat me well, like me, I am challenged with work and it can be good. But I hold my tongue quite often and sometimes I give them a real life view of what struggles are and how being single in a church...our church isn't easy. But to be very honest although I find comfort at times with my faith. It really has nothing to do with church but with my spiritual self. All the rules of "the church". really have nothing to do with my heart , my faith and what is inside. God to me is everywhere and certain rules of this or that does not make you more "Christian" or "Catholic". I do not believe in my heart of hearts one religion is wrong and another isn't. I think that we all find what works for us or doesn't and go from there. DH's death changed me and made me dig deep. I went back to the church I grew up in because I needed something familiar. I needed something that was "home" because everything was so out of control. So I went back to the Catholic Church after being away and low and behold I work there now. Crazy world huh? But when I look at all of this it is all so very personal. How we process life, God and spirituality. I like to think there is truly no one right answer about faith, God , prayer, no prayer , spiritiuality ect. So anyway after this long , rambling post. I find myself in an interesting position. Working for a church and yet thinking there is not a right answer to any of this. Kind of a tough position some days. But I also think when you experience a death you evaluate life , and that includes your faith. Have you changed your faith , thoughts, religion, spirituality , position since you lost your DH / DW?

Right now I hate one of my son's teachers. She is abhorrent. Over punishes for minor offense. She is a quack. Had enough and raised chaos. I hate being the only parent having to defend my children. I hate my job but stay for the pay and flexibility. I hate struggling for everything lately ...and not only having responsibility for my kids house job but now my Mom too since she is sick. My dad was sick for years and I was expected to drive 7 hrs home every break vacation ect. My duty. And now I am here in that spot again with kids. When do I get my life? When can I take a vacation without caring for my sick Mom or having her with us? When can I finally have a life? When I was married it wasn't like this. I was an adult. My brother is married so not expected to go home. I just want to be happy live and have my own life

You know I have never used the "widow card". It has came up in conversations that either others asked my situation or friends went out on a limb to explain to get me help at times. It is not a playing card used in a light manner and I know that is not what MrsDan implied ever. What is stated is that she needed help, her friend wants to help her because not only she is a friend but because of her situation and make things easier. It is not a card just like someone with cancer does not play the cancer card they live it. We live widowhood and sometimes we need a step up to help us cope.

Wow feels like I could have wrote this too. I have always been a "helper". I don't mind helping and for some strange reason have this feeling I need to help everyone ect. Always the "strong" friend everyone leans on. Then when it is my turn? They are all gone. I think widowhood has made me lonely. 9 years of sitting here with babies and no support system. No one came to see me. No one even really gave me a second thought so I sat here alone night , after night after night and still do to some degree. So I started volunteering, helping others just to feel connected. It started with a neighbor helping sit her child and in turn she would help me with my kids. Well we all know how that goes. I was sitting for 12-15 hrs several times...they were always asking in crisis. So I had to cut that off for various reasons. So then the over volunteer. I was the "go to" person and overextended myself. Then I started dating someone and it seems that I was always doing stuff for him and caring for his kid and got very little back. Why? Because I sat here alone night, after night after night. It is easy for others to say go out (they don't have to pay a sitter...get a life make friends. But when I can maybe get out once a month or less it is hard to establish any friendship. So yes I too became somewhat of a doormat just to have "people". Anyone who would call me or visit or "need" me. So I wasn't invisible. Because I easily fade into the distant suffering night after night with no "real connections". Was I taken advantage of? Yes? Did I end it ? Yes and that hurts too ...more people who abandon me. But I deserve more and people that will appreciate my helping nature and give back. Learning a lot about how old "habits" before my husband come into play. He really truly saw the whole me and gave me the confidence to take on the world with him having my back. It is hard to take on the world completely alone/lonely.

I think for me personally this rebuilding thing has been sooooo difficult. I often wonder why? I went through extreme grief when I lost him pregnant and with a 5 1/2 month old baby. Then it hit me. It is hard because I do not , have not had any time to focus on myself. It has been survival raising my boys. I have no support system near me and currently my Mom my only true support system is battling cancer. So here I am. I get very frustrated as it is not that I don't want to "leap". It is I truly can't leap. I have to always look at my limited time and see what exactly I can do for myself. I run after the kids , the house and everything else. Me (or any time for me) comes absolute last. It is easy for others to say you HAVE to do something for yourself. But honestly even time for friends or others isn't possible or very limited. So I will put this out in very honest fashion. I feel like my life is stagnant and on hold. Because my life is about everyone else and not me. Rebuilding has been soooo frustrating inside for me and lead to some depressive feelings. Why? Because inside I have so much I want to do but realistically I can't. Yes I do things with the kids as a family which is what this stage is about of course. But sometimes I am screaming inside for a small bit for me. It is very very hard to admit this but I feel like rebuilding means very small, small bits for me until I have time. And that line right there is what makes it so very very hard. I have done things for me. Running. Took up running and I do love the feeling it gives me and the time to just "be" . Me , my favorite music and the run. I try to set goals with other things but truly there is no time. I am raising 2 boys completely totally alone. There is no one to take them for the weekend...I have to beg a friend or pay a sitter for a few hours and night out. So hard is the word I would use. In my head defining rebuilding means some things I long for. But realistically it means most of those remain on hold. I am not resentful at all ...my boys are my greatest and most amazing joys. But at times I will have a "pity party" for myself. And I do try to fit in anything that is for "me". There you go I just bared the soul a bit.

Just hate struggling with things ALONE!!!! I have done this ALONE thing raising my boys and being ALONE for 10 years in November ! So stinking tired of being ALONE. Okay said I hate being ALONE enough. SIgh

Awww. My boys have been taking care of me more lately too as they get older. They are so sweet. I had a headache the other day and they were checking on me getting me a washcloth and helping out. They have some maturity beyond their years.

(((HUGS))) Been there, been there, felt that, feel that, struggle with that. Yep. Sorry I have made myself vunerable lately as well and although it is better than having the guards up tougher than Ft Knox it also brings forth the insecurities, struggles with rejection and all out "yuk" feelings. Hang in there.