Rudderless

Thank you all so much for sharing, and my apologies for initially asking for women's input - obviously it's relevant to all of us! Nice to know it's not just me, and it does get better ...

It's been nearly 6 months since I lost my guy. I finally decided that nudging myself out into the dating universe was a necessary part of moving through this next phase ... So, I met a guy I liked a lot, went on a few dates, decided to get naked with him. Honestly ... my body just didn't seem to want to respond. :( Is this normal? I know it takes time to get to know each other's bodies. And, I am over 50, so there's that. There are multiple explanations ... But I just wondered what other women's experiences have been. This is new territory for me. Thanks for whatever you might be willing to share.

Last weekend I checked out something called Laughter Yoga, which was originally created to help people get through grief. It's based on the idea that laughter is the best medicine, and although I didn't really gel with the facilitator, I think the idea has some merit. Somehow, exercising the laughter muscles in my cheeks and belly made me feel a little better. So, this got me thinking, perhaps the yoga isn't for me, but the laughter bit is. I've started looking for comedy (video, audio, but could be books or other media) that will actually make me laugh despite my gloomy self. How about we create a list of things we've found that actually made us laugh? Don't forget to flag if the language or content is a bit edgy. Here's one that totally cracked me up this morning, although I have no idea who she is: An all-time fave of mine is Rowan Atkinson as The Devil, welcoming everyone to hell: A recent fun discovery is that many of my favorite comedians have Spotify channels, so I can listen to them in the car and laugh while driving instead of crying. Who else has some favorites to share?

Thanks, @Wheelerswife. I did read some of the other posts and know others have dealt with situations that were similar in various ways. Sudden, unexpected deaths always come with unresolved issues, don't they. But even more so when the relationship has been complicated or troubled in some way. One thing that has stuck in my mind: he always used to say I was too soft and measured in my response to people who were screwing us over. I'd always been soft and measured with him too. This time I was more adamant, and I know it really stung him to be on the receiving end. And now I wish I'd been my usual gentle self. Things were said that just weren't fair, and I regret it. It's been a tough lesson about staying true to myself and my own intuition, not behaving in ways that other people think are more appropriate. Anyway ... I went and got acupuncture today, first time in 10+ years, and feel markedly improved even after one session. It was the first glimmer of hope in a long time that things might improve.

Just wondering if there is a group near me ...

I found him, my soulmate, the love of my life. What we had was so far beyond what either of us had ever experienced before. I was totally going to marry him. We went through some really difficult shit. Business partnership implosions (with other people), a toxic and depressed ex (mine), my kids struggling with anxiety and depression over that. It all took its toll on our relationship. We both knew it did. We fought to keep and rediscover what we once had. But it just kept slipping through our fingers and I didn't know how to stop it. Neither did he. Eventually I found he'd been bullshitting me, trying to create the illusion that everything was going to be alright, that he'd scored a job that was going to solve everything, went for several interviews ... except the job never existed. I hit the roof, asked him to leave. A few fibs is one thing; a really elaborate deliberate deception I just couldn't stomach. He was calm but I know he was completely distraught. It rips my heart out to make anyone that sad, but I just couldn't see a way through. If I'd known he was about to die, I'd never have put him through the agony ... He didn't have anywhere to go. It was heartbreakingly sad and pitiful. I hugged him and said please work it out. I still care, but I can't be with a guy who is a passenger. He developed an upset stomach, was throwing up, loose stools too. Nothing that unusual, except that one day he showed me his stomach was really bloated. I said he needed to see a dr because it looked like a seriously irritated digestive system to me. As always, he refused. No health insurance, but also, he hated drs, avoided them, lied to them and told them he was fine. I shrugged sadly, exasperated (we'd had this conversations so many other times when he'd felt sick), then left to take my kids to visit family. We'd be gone a week. I needed the break. I figured we would talk some more when I got back. I was really concerned about him though; he kept ignoring his health issues and in hindsight probably hadn't been telling me all his symptoms. I got back a week later to find him dead on the bathroom floor. The bloated stomach had been internal bleeding. I still kick myself for not realizing this. We weren't married, although we had lived together more than 2 years. We were still very close friends, and he knew I was still the person who cared about him more than anyone else in the world. His siblings didn't know we'd broken up, but stupidly my first instinct was to tell them, so that they'd be his next of kin and have to deal with the aftermath. A few days later I regretted it, felt like I'd just thrown him under the bus, exposing him as a relationship failure when they really didn't need to know that. I took over the arrangements for his cremation. He had fallen out with his siblings, used up all his lifelines with them over the years. At the memorial it was clear they just didn't care, were relieved he was gone. That made me so sad. He left no will. So, his siblings will get all he had. He'd be absolutely incensed at that, but it's his own stupid disorganized fault. And mine for not committing to him. Not that I could. All this was 4 months ago. I may have broken up with him, so I suppose some people (his siblings, his ex) think that any grief on my part is fake and disingenuous, but you know, he was still an important part of me and I miss him terribly. And although I hated that he'd lied to me, now it is more a sadness that he didn't feel able to share the truth with me. He was really just doing anything he could to stay with me because he adored me and was lost without me. [There is a lot more to this; it wasn't a simple "move out and be single" situation; he would have had to leave the country, and die alone - that's how he saw it, and he was right really. So sad.] I've been seeing a therapist, knew immediately that I'd need some landing flaps with this. But it's hard and I am struggling to pick myself up. I know they say there is no timeline for grief, but it only eases ever so slowly and TBH some days it feels like full blown depression. I worry I am infecting my kids with it. I'm a long way from family, have very few friends (because we spent literally all of our time together). I've tried MeetUps, am going to keep doing that. I work from home, alone. I try to go for a walk every morning. I try music and candles with essential oils to lift the mood of the place. House and home office are semi-messy; my projects are behind, especially the ones I want to get done for me. I don't know what I'm asking here ... any tips? Or maybe I just need to offload. Thanks for listening.