Risingabovechaos

Thanks for the responses. I have been searching for a way out of the term widow for a few weeks, but I’m starting to come around. Merriam-Webster’s definition of widow is: a woman who has lost her spouse or partner by death and usually has not remarried. Michael was my partner. He was the man I was going to spend my life with. I am not about to adopt an all black wardrobe, but I need to start owning the term and making it whatever it means to me. I think the the reason I have been struggling is because I don’t want to face the emotions and grief that are associated with the term widow. I just want to sweep it under the rug. But this isn’t something that can be silenced. These emotions will be with me forever.

Three weeks ago today, my partner took his own life at 47. We were engaged, but never married. We lived together for two and a half years and we were raising four children together. Three from his previous marriage (20, 16 and 13) and our 18 month old. I have lost my partner and best friend. I have lost our planned future together. I know that by most definitions I am a widow. But I am still uncomfortable with the term. I feel like I am stealing it from those who actually got married. From those who made the commitment on paper. From the people who had been together for decades. In short, I feel like a fraud. Z I also don’t feel like a widow. My brain keeps yelling that I’m only 30 and that this isn’t real. That this can’t truly be happening to me. I know that it’s just a word. That I can categorize myself however I need to but the government has already categorized me as a widow. Where I am from in Canada, a common law spouse holds the same legal rights as a spouse. I will have to fill out my taxes and all government paperwork until I remarry (or get involved in another common law relationship) as widowed. I feel bad posting this, because I see all these people talking about how they are reduced to nothing in the eyes of the government. And I’m sorry for all those people who are in that situation. I just can’t be the only person who is struggling with the categorization. It just feels like this constant reminder of this awful thing that happened. Anyway, thanks to those who read this.