Heather

Sc39, your words speak exactly the things I have felt and pondered. I am only 45, and life without my soulmate (who passed away on June 2) feels like looking across a thousand mile desert with no joy in sight. On the other hand, he is the only one my heart desires, and I would rather miss him every day for the rest of my life than "move on." There is NO moving on. Chad's sister and I were talking yesterday, and the word that felt right to me was "transformed." We will be forever transformed by the incredible loss of our loved ones. We will never be the same. But that word "transformed" implies that we won't have to stay cemented in this moment or pain, but will learn to keep going and to carry our loved ones with us. Maureen is very wise to say that our beloveds would not want us to stay rooted in our suffering, either. When I am really hurting, I think about what I would want for Chad if the roles were reversed, and he was here and I was gone. That helps me to be easy on myself, or at least see things somewhat differently, because I would only want good for him, whatever that looks like for him. Take the time you need to find your way forward. I made myself a promise that I wouldn't do anything major for three years. Why three years? I don't really know other than it just felt right. And in three years I will decide if I need more time. Giving myself a timeline helps me feel more in control of my future, and now I don't have to worry about anything other than trying to figure out how to live this life without half of my heart and soul. I am reading a book called "When Your Soulmate Dies," and listening to a book called "Imagine Heaven," both of which have been helpful as well. All the best to you. We are here for each other!

Thank you for your kindness and encouragement, Minny9 and Eddienhp. I really appreciate hearings our stories and experiences. It is so fresh that it is hard to see clearly through the pain, but you both give me hope. Talking about my husband seems to help. It starts with tears but often ends with some smiles and I feel close to him. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and the extra reading with me. Thank you for taking the time to reach out to me.

Hi Steph. Thank you for reaching out. You are not alone either. We can walk this awful path alongside each other. I don't know how heaven works, but all day long I tell Chad that I love him...out loud. I hope he hears or feels my love for him, and it seems to help me, too. I love having his wedding ring on my finger. I find myself touching it all the time, especially when I am feeling so lost without him. A friend who lost her husband many years ago told me recently that losing a spouse is not like experiencing any other death. She said nothing compares to the grief a husband or wife feel after a spouse dies. It is so much deeper of a grief. One thing I am trying to do is read a book by Alan Wolfelt called, When Your Soulmate Dies:. A Guide to Healing Through Heroic Mourning. I am barely started, but the tone is very kind and empathetic, and it helps to know I am not alone and what I am feeling is normal. Keep in touch if you need anything, Steph. Sending you lots of love.

Thank you for your advice. It helps to know that this is part of the grieving process, and I will definitely seek help if it gets beyond my control.

Hello all, Every day I have these waves that maybe feel like panic attacks (I think...I have never had one before) because I realize that I will never get to talk to my sweetie again. It's an overwhelming feeling of anguish, and I try really hard to just push through it. But it scares me because it's like a wave that could easily pull me out to sea. Has anybody felt like this? Any ideas how to get through those moments? Thank you for your help.

Thank you, everyone, for your kindness. It does help to know I am not alone. I appreciate you stepping alongside me.

Two weeks ago today, my husband and best friend of 18 years went to heaven after a courageous fight with stage 4 colon cancer. I feel like I am sleepwalking through life, having bouts of crying uncontrollably and then just sitting and staring into space. He was only 48, and he was, as I always told him, my heartbeat. He made me laugh every day. He made me feel safe and protected and valued. I tell him every day that I love him, and I pray that he can hear and feel my love. He passed away at home under Hospice care. They were amazing and did everything to ease his pain. His liver finally succumbed to the tumors, and I am having trouble getting those last days out of my mind. He stopped being able to speak in the last days, but we gathered around him and talked and told Chad stories. We talked to him and showered him with love. In his last 12 hours, his lungs filled with fluid. Hospice told us this may happen, and that it was difficult for caregivers to experience, but that Chad would not feel pain. Those last 12 hours haunt me. It sounded like he was drowning, and I have never in my life felt such emotional and physical pain as hearing him breathing that way. I prayed from 10:00 that evening until God finally called him home at 8:55 the next morning. "Please, God," I cried, "please rescue him from this." I am so glad I was with him, and that he could be in the home we built together, but those hard memories still pierce my heart. Now I try to get through each day without my soulmate. Today I tried to go to the grocery store. Walked to the front doors, knew I couldn't do it, and turned and came home. I miss him so much it hurts. I told him again and again in the last days that his heart and mine would be forever connected. I believe that, but I miss his laugh and his presence so much. I had his wedding band shrunk to fit my finger, and now it is on my middle finger next to my wedding ring. How do we live without the most important person in our lives? I don't know how to do this.