hikermom

Absolutely agree. My daughter graduated from high school this year and although my sister and her husband were with me, I felt very alone. He should have been there to see his daughter graduate. 10 years and although the moments of this are farther and farther apart, they still hit me hard when they appear.

Good to see these familiar names! His name was Arne. I don’t hear it enough or say it enough anymore. But that doesn’t mean I don’t carry him with me every day. It will be 10 years in 2 weeks.

So happy this site is back up. It was a lifesaver for me in those early months. I’m incredibly grateful to and for the widows/widowers I’ve met through here. Roamed over to YWBB and had a blast from the past seeing so many screen names that I haven’t thought of in a while. Some I’ve kept in touch with on Facebook and others that I’ve thought about and wondered how they were doing. Unfortunately there are always more joining our “club” so I’m glad to have a place to refer them again. Coming up on 10 years soon (8/4/12), my daughter starts college in September and life is lonely but good. hm

Hi Julester Thanks for your reply. I have not had a full neuropsych eval done. I think we initially thought it was a fairly straightforward case of depression/anxiety combined with a difficult transition to a new school district. I'm honestly not sure it isn't just that but it feels so out of control to me that I may request it. Your description of your daughter sounds similar to mine: skipped classes, dropped grades, sleep disturbances, moodiness in an extreme. She is cutting and risk taking in very scary ways. She is also very resistant to therapy and really doesn't give much away in counseling. She is firmly convinced that medication doesn't work. Having managed my own depression/anxiety for most of my life, I can understand those feelings. I know if the grip of it it feels never-ending. I so appreciate your common-sense and reassuring post. Thank you.

Hi all, I'm not even sure what to post so this is likely to be a bit rambling. A few of you know that my daughter was adopted at a young age. So even before her dad died, she'd experienced great loss. With the death of her dad when she was 8, she was hit again. We managed for a while - with help from teachers, coaches, friends, therapists. And then the teen years hit, I needed to sell our house and move (another loss for her). She is changing in front of me with self-harm, smoking, lying and sneaking around, skipping class. Sure, some of this is teen behavior but some of it is diagnosed depression and anxiety. She talks of suicide but does not have a plan and her therapist believes she is not a danger at this point. We are working with her doctor on medication (which so far isn't helping) and she has had a therapist for many years (also not helping as she refuses to actually address her underlying issues). We've recently started family therapy with a therapist who is less willing to let her get away with stuff. In a way, the behavior has escalated but I feel that may in part be due to having stuff brought up that she has been suppressing. I'm doing my best - I've taken FMLA at work to be home with her while she is adjusting to the meds. I'm setting limits and consequences for behavior that is not acceptable and carrying through on those consequences - hard as it is. But this is exhausting and scary and overwhelming to manage on my own. I guess I just need to hear from others that you've gotten through the other side of this with your teens. With her being adopted, we don't know family history. With all the loss she's experienced, there is sure to be some compounding of emotions. Sorting through what is grief, what is teen-ness, what is mental health issue is all overwhelming. And I worry so much for her future. I know many kids go through this stuff and come out fine. I know many don't. Thanks for listening.

I'm so sorry. I know that words aren't going to help but that is all I can give right now. I have not had anywhere near your experience in the 6+ years since my husband's death. I've had some good periods and some horrible ones. Too many losses to list and they have just compounded the original loss of my husband and increased the isolation that came with his death. I just want to say that I appreciate your honesty. Too often we feel like we have to put a good face on - whether it is to fool ourselves or to fool others. But that face can end up feeling more isolating. I'm so overwhelmed right now dealing with significant behavioral and mental health issues with my teen daughter and feel like I'm drowning. You're right - for me right now it feels worse than when my husband died. I know for you that has been a steady 7 years of pain and loss and, perhaps worse of all, a feeling of betrayal by those who should be supporting and helping you. This doesn't help ease your pain but know that I am thinking of you and hoping that you can find someplace that gives you some space to heal. Wish we could all rally around you physically but will just have to do so virtually. And I'm so sorry about your dog now. Hugs.

I am so sorry Bluebird. I haven't been on here lately and just saw this. You and Wifeless both were such a huge support to so many, myself included. My heart is breaking for you. Wishing you space, breath, peace.

Mc5, First, I'm so sorry for the death of your wife. My daughter was 8 when her dad died and that was about the hardest aspect of grieving for me - managing the twin griefs of my own loss of my husband and best friend, and trying to support my daughter through her grief. You are right, kids follow a different path and their grief looks very different from adult grief. My daughter had lots of anger and took to punching pillows when she felt really angry. We tried to find ways for her to focus on breathing and using music to calm herself to get to sleep. The biggest thing is just to listen, to be honest with them about your emotions, and to be okay with making mistakes. You're not going to get through this without screwing up some - that is okay. Be gentle with yourself. There are no guidebooks for this, just instinct and communication. My daughter is now almost 15. We've had a rollercoaster and are dealing with some very difficult teen issues now. The challenge for me, and it may be for you, is what is due to the grief and what is normal teen/tween behavior. In the end, I think it doesn't matter that much. The same principles apply: consistency, empathy and compassion, clarity of expectations, love, communication. Build support around your family to the best of your ability and lean on family friends, coaches, etc. And this group can be a huge help - if for no other reason than you know you aren't the only one who has gone through it, who is going through it, and you aren't alone. HM.

I can so relate to this. I still struggle with it to be honest but that may just be that I'm generally an introvert anyway and in my job, I have to be out in front so by the end of the day or weekend, I'm toast. But the 2nd year was so much harder in so many respects. You are likely exhausted from everything you had to do following your partner's death and emotional exhaustion is just as debilitating. i agree with Trying. Small goals are important. Asking for help can be hard but is also important. If it is too much to get out, can you have a good friend come by to spend time with you? How about some activities that limit social interactions naturally, such as going to a movie or taking a walk with someone. Both of those can allow for some quiet time. It can be far too easy to just withdraw from the world but ultimately much of our isolation ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is hard and you are still so early. you don't have to run a whole marathon (metaphor here!), just take a few baby steps to start. Glad you posted. This group means the world to me and is the one place I feel truly understood and at the same time, feel I can offer something in return.

Steph, I'm so sorry that you had reason to find us but so glad that this resource can be here for you. It's been almost 6 years for me but I can still remember those early days. It felt like I was submerged under water - everything was muffled and it felt hard to breathe. Everything was muted except for the overwhelming sense of despair and grief. I think the brain cocoons us from too much reality so that we can slowly start to find our way through the fog. Some critical thinks for those early days, weeks and months: just as you would give your body time to recover from a horrible trauma, you need to give your soul and psyche time to recover from this trauma. Be gentle with yourself. Drink lots of water. Breathe, breathe, and breathe some more - I always felt like I wasn't breathing those early months and in truth, I think I was breathing so shallowly it was almost as if I wasn't. If it is helpful to you, spend time in nature. That soothed me and walking meant I was forced to breathe more deeply. Post here and read old posts. Just knowing that I wasn't alone was so critical. finally, we can all assure you that those early emotions to level off. You can find peace and happiness even though that feels like an impossibility. It's not a straight road and it certainly isn't flat. But it also isn't always uphill. Sometimes it levels off and you can catch your breathe and gain a sense of perspective for how far you have come. I'm sorry you have to move so quickly. I'm going through a move right now and am finding it so hard. A part of me almost wishes I had done it earlier. Keep posting and know that you aren't alone. hm

Thanks all. I had just a horrible day when I posted this. Crying frequently, feeling overwhelmed and so lost. I kept thinking this couldn't just be the house (although clearly that was a massive trigger) and that it had to be some anniversary of something: our daughter's adoption day? No. A half-year anniversary of his death? No. What the hell was it. I then realized it was the day my mom died, 14 years ago. I should have realized this earlier because my parents had been on my mind a lot - realizing so many of the plants around my house are from my parents' home; that this was where I was living when they died, too. Just more layers of grief and loss that my body was telling me I needed to recognize so that I could move along. I appreciate the posts and PMs. I may not post as much on here as the old board but I still need this as a touchpoint. One place where I'm understood and not judged for where in this journey I may be.

So often, particularly early on, I would feel like I just needed the world to stop for a moment. It felt like I was frozen in a moment of time and the rest of the world was moving ahead full steam. I was stunned like a bird that had flown into a window and wasn't dead but wasn't fully present either. I needed the world to stop so that I could catch my breath. Almost as if I had been thrown overboard along with him. Now it feels more like this quote - so many big and little things have occurred in the past 5+ years that I wish my husband could know. Life changes for me and our daughter; simple things like songs on the radio that were released after his death. The rules of the deck games have changed but at least I'm back onboard. I'm not stunned any more. There are moments that I'm struck by the incredulity that the world is now missing this man and all he had to offer, that I'm a widow (I still can't use that word most of the time). Stunned, no, as that word conjures for me a sense of stillness and being frozen, like that bird. I'm moving - forward, backward, sideways - but still have moments where I am surprised.

Jessm1 - Firstly, I'm so sorry you have cause to be here but glad you found this site. I can only assume that people feel afraid of the manner of your husband's death. Overdose freaks many people out (hell, death freaks people out!) and that can cause a pulling away. You may know there is a section here for folks whose partners died from overdose or by suicide. It can help to have others who know the unique experience more individually as they can help you process the complex world of your own grief as the challenges of dealing with unknowing family and friends. It isn't fair that you have to figure it out on your own. This is the time you should have understanding and love and compassion to help buoy you through. Are there local support groups? Places where you can find emotional support locally as well as on here? Having that connection with people here was critical for me early on. I needed to know that what I was feeling and experiencing wasn't crazy. When you are younger, you likely don't know any widow/ers in real life who are younger and can understand. It feels so isolating. Losing a spouse to overdose, unfortunately, only adds to that sense of isolation. Keep posting here and asking for support. We do understand. HM

I finally sold my house. I'd hoped to stick it out until DD graduated from high school but the commute, the maintenance, and the worry just got to be too much. Rationally I know it was a good decision but now I feel like I made a huge mistake. I feel horrible that I'm taking DD away from the one home she can remember; that I'm leaving a setting and a place that I love for living in a townhouse; that I made this decision far too emotionally. Deep down I know it was necessary. I'd been worrying about a lot of different things going on the house. Perhaps they would have come to be, perhaps not but just the worry about it was exhausting. Living so far from work and in such a rural location, I've had zero social life and am isolated and lonely. My life has consisted of work, carting DD around to sports and music lessons, and maintenance on the house. My health has declined because I'm not exercising or cooking healthy meals. But now that it is sold and I'm just renting back until the end of the school year, I'm assailed by doubt. Doesn't hurt that it is now spring and the river sounds glorious. The peepers are incredible. The flowers are starting to emerge. I walked by the bulbs we planted when he died; the stone wall that the two of us built; the tree trunk where he cut down a black cherry and I yelled at him to not kill himself or crush the house. So many memories were born here and many have died here. I guess I just need others who have moved to tell me that the intensity of this emotion will wane. That I'll not lose more memories but in fact will create new one. I need to have people remind me of all the hard parts of living where I do and that I'm opening up to a new chapter. I just feel like I'm closing a chapter that I didn't want to end.

KyrpticKat - i can only imagine that your own car accident brought back all of your feelings and fears. That is a completely understandable and rational response, albeit an involuntary one, I am sure. Although my husband did not die in an accident, he did die suddenly. For the past 5+ years, I've definitely struggled with anxiety mainly focused on my daughter as Captains wife also expressed. I think we've walked closer to the veil than a lot of people and know how fast life can change. Life as we know it can alter dramatically in a split second. I still can't seem to fully manage it when I can't locate my daughter and people do not understand why I want and need to know if they are going to be late bringing her home from a soccer practice or some such thing. My imagination goes to worst possible scenario. Sometimes I think it is a defense mechanism - that if I can imagine and prepare for the worst, then it won't happen. It makes no sense but then again, I'm coming to terms with my irrationality! You aren't alone. It is understandable, particularly with your accident. And I wish for you a release from that fear.

This nails it. I was having a hard time putting it into words, even in my own head. But you stated it so well here. Today I've got a bit of flashback hangover - and am back to leaking like I haven't done for a long time. Not really crying, just those slow, quiet tears that fall of their own volition without warning. Some days I feel so alone. Thank you all for reminding me there is a whole tribe out there!

I am hoping to sell my house and move this spring/summer. That means finally tackling all the boxes of stuff throughout the house. DH was a bit of a hoarder so I've spent the past few days packing up his old medical books (that were probably out of date when he was alive, let along 5.5 years later), going through old cassette tapes (yes, cassette tapes!), photos, books, DDs old toys and school papers from kindergarten and the early school years. This walk down memory lane has been so mixed. Some things feel really good to just get rid of. But the cassettes were harder - found some of his old mix tapes (god, am I really that old??) and his Santana, Crowded House, Bruce Cockburn. So many thoughts just running around in my head. The photos are harder still. We both look so young in them. Photos of us with our first apartment, our first puppy together, our first house that we bought, our first ski trip. Photos of us camping, hiking, canoeing and kayaking. All the things we loved to do. So many smiles and memories that come flooding back in. Of course my mom is in there, my dad too. Sometimes I feel like I've lived a thousand lifetimes with the number of people I've lost. But the hardest thing of all were the travel books. Isn't that weird? So many places we dreamed of going - Nepal, Norway, China, Barbados, New Zealand. Some we made it to, others we didn't. But the lost dreams were pretty much summed up in those travel books.

You may know I'm selling my house. Right now I'm doing it on my own. Crazy - perhaps - but I needed control over the process. What I did: I contacted a trusted local appraiser to have a good idea of what is a reasonable asking price. I created my own website with photos and lots of information that a realtor wouldn't have and am essentially selling a way of life. I put it out to friends, through Facebook and through a Vermont specific list-serve called Front Porch Forum. Within the first 48 hours, I had 5 people contact me to see it. I have two of the five coming back for second looks. Within one week. I just had an inspector walk through today to tell me what issues might come up. He did the full inspection but didn't write a formal report - I took notes as he talked. This set my mind at ease and gave me a list of small issues to address and the comfort of mind that nothing of significance showed up. I haven't even put it on Zillow yet but will if need be. I am waiting to use a realtor unless I really need to. If there is nothing structurally wrong, just old outdated stuff, you may be under estimating what you could get for it. Happy to talk further. If you haven't seen my website, let me know and I'll send you the link. I put it on Facebook a little over a week ago. This is big stuff, TS - good for you! Good for us!

I didn't do it but I fantasized about it many times in the 5 1/2 years since my husband died. I thought of pulling my daughter out of school and traveling across country with her for a year. But I needed income. I think it could be cathartic for you. If you head to Vermont (and there is beautiful biking here!!), let me know.

Yesterday was five years since my husband rolled on his bike out of our driveway for the last time. DD and I have both commented on how it just doesn't feel like it could be five years. Then I think of what has transpired in the last five years. DD's in middle school. I've changed jobs a few times to end up at the place that feels like home. We've traveled to China, Iceland, seen the Grand Canyon. My dad and my FIL both died. The dog and rabbit that we had together both died and we have a dog and a cat that he never knew. What was weird - and yet not weird - is that the build up to the five year anniversary was worse than the day itself. I think we all know that the build up for the anticipated dates is much more debilitating than the day itself. I've also learned (as have you all) it is the sneaky events that surprise you and pack a wallop - parent teacher conferences, taking him off the checking account. And so my lesson at five years is that the anniversary was less hard than the feeling of loss that the grief has abated so much. Don't get me wrong - I never want to feel that suffocating grief again. That horrible feeling of not breathing. But for awhile, grief was my constant companion. It was there as every milestone brought me further away from what was and what should have been but will never be. It was there during moments of success - both mine and DD's. It was there during hard times that had nothing to do with his death. But don't we all know that each action, each step is a loss? Particularly in the early days, months and years. That change to the checking account? One more loss. That first soccer banquet? One more loss. That first basketball game? First Christmas? First day of middle school? All losses that circle back to the original loss. And so - at five years - the loss of the steady grief is yet another thing that brings me away. I'm learning to be okay with that. Nevertheless she persisted - I'm reclaiming my time.

Hi LB! I hit 5 years yesterday. Like you, life is good. We're doing alright. It isn't horrible and most days are fine. I still find that I lack joy. I can laugh and find humor in things - frequently do - but I don't think I've felt joy in 5 years. That makes me sad. Glad you're well. I'm not on here very often either. I guess it is a good thing but I do miss just being among those who get it.

Hachi, I haven't been on here in a long time but the calendar of the heart brought me back today. One week before the day my husband suddenly died. And I found your post which resonated so strongly. It made me cry and I remembered why this community was and is so important to me. To be among people who get it - who don't wonder why it still hurts and has an impact 5 years later - who don't think one isn't "getting on with life" if they happen to mention their dead spouse. In the early months, this place reminded me I wasn't crazy. It still does. And your final paragraph was just pure poetry.

You nailed it. That is completely a concern for me. My daughter was 8 when he died. Some things she remembers pretty well, others she really has rewritten in her head, including memories from the day he died. The hardest part for me is that I was never the one that was good about remembering things. I relied on my husband for that - he could recall details that I just never bothered with. I'm sure I've done some rewriting of memories myself just because I have a horrible recall for details. I think this is a compounded grief. On the one hand, I want our daughter to know so many of the stories that together build a full picture of our life together with her father. It is a way for her to know who he was beyond just her dad. It is also important to me because he was just too important a person to fade into vague memories. Although he won't fade, the details grow fuzzier as time passes. He becomes more illusory and less a man of flesh and substance. Finally, a very personal loss is that for 23 years, my life was so entwined with his. With the physical loss of him, that was stopped abruptly. The loss of memories, or fading of memories is just one more loss. I'm tired of loss. You are not alone. I think this is something we all feel the heavy burden of.

So beautiful, Rob. I can only imagine that Michelle would be so full of love and gratitude with how you have continued on - for yourself, for your daughters - and how you have carried her in your heart. That is how our loved ones will live on. Thank you for sharing.

Your post really resonated with me. Although I'm over 4 years out, I remember those early days and months well. I, too, was "strong." And so people thought we were okay. The first couple of months I was okay only because I was in the fog of grief. You are enveloped in a cocoon of cotton - dense, soft, blurry and vague. You feel pain but it is more a shadow of pain until the air hits the wound. That happened for me around 2 months in. At that point, folks had moved on. I remember feeling outrage that the world continued to turn for everyone while it felt like it was stopped for my daughter and me. It took me a while before I felt like I could ask for help. That was one of the most important things I did. I learned that people really, REALLY want to help but feel helpless in the face of your loss and grief. They are relieved when they are asked to help you - it lets them feel like they have something to do. In some ways, I think it helps alleviate their guilt about a) not knowing what to do, b) not doing something earlier, c) guilt about their lives being whole and complete while yours is shattered. At the same time, I've heard it compared to a house fire. When the house is on fire, there are firemen to put it out. Once they leave, you are left with a shell of a home needing rebuilding. Then the builders come. They stay until it is habitable again. What we need as widows are the builders. Those that will stick around for a long time. Unfortunately, most people are firemen. And if it helps, know that people here really do give a shit.