Sc39

It has been 7 weeks. I thought that the pain would slowly lessen, but it is getting harder. Each day that passes i miss him more. It is one more day without him, and the longer i go without hearing his voice or feeling his touch, the more heartbreak i feel. Time does not heal all wounds. Time sometimes deepens them. I cannot imagine the rest of my life feeling like this. What kind of life is that? I prayed to God, but everything i wanted to ask for was impossible. I can't have him back....this pain won't just disappear....so what do i ask for? I think most of all i want to know WHY. Why did this happen to us? Why did he have to die? Why am i the one chosen to go through this horror? Life has shown me how cruel it can be...and it has broken me. I have to pick up the pieces of myself at some point and try to live again...

It has been just 52 days. I have not been out much except to see my psychiatrist and to run essential errands. Friends visit....and i screen who can access me. I was right to do this. Yesterday, under pressure from a friend who i have not seen since the day of the funeral, i agreed to take a drive to pick up some food. Bad idea. He (who has been married to his wife for 30+ years) tells me that i am still young, i have half my life left to live, i might get a man. He talked about getting over "it" and enjoying myself. He said the cringe worthy cliche "in time this will all pass". Then he proceeded to plan a host of outings designed to "make me happy". I was horrified at the casual and flippant way he referred to my situation of grief...as something to pass and get over. I viciously wished that he would soon find himself a widower and understand how i felt...then i realised that he did not love his wife as i did my husband. It would not be the same. I grimaced inside and was glad when the food was collected and i was back home. Time to screen again.

Mike, you are right. I am getting psychiatric help. I was prescribed anti depressants, but i am waiting a short while before starting. The side effects are quite worrying at times, i heard.

Each day i tell myself, "it will get more bearable". Each day i tell myself, "you will be productive today. The children need you." And each day i end up immobile, depressed, barely functioning. It is a bit over 5 weeks. The racing heart and shaking has stopped. Replacing it is an almost overwhelming, catatonic like depression. I can sit for hours doing nothing but replaying things in my head. I can lie on the bed for hours with no motivation or willpower to get up. I wonder what is the point of living such a life. I am neither dead nor alive, but stuck in a horrible suspension between both. I know that the more time passes the more i will be able to cope with this loss, but i feel myself sinking deeper into the hopelessness and not moving away from it. Quote Edit

Every day i wonder what comes after death. I saw my husband die. I saw the lifelessness of his body and the look of nothingness in his eyes that let me know that he was no longer alive. No one has ever come back from death to tell us what happens after. I pray daily for faith because a large chunk of my belief in God died with my husband. I wondered what God would allow a young man with three small children to die and leave them alone in this harsh world. He had so much to live for, so much yet to experience. I want to grow my faith back from almost nothing. I want to believe. I want to think that when i die, he will be waiting to welcome and comfort me, or if not, then i will see him when it is time to live in paradise.  I want to think that there is a purpose to life and it is not just a series of random and meaningless events. I want to believe that there is a grand design. I am going through this fire that is grief. I hope that one day i will come out of it purified and changed. All these hopes and wishes tug at my mind, but overshadowing it all is the loss i feel. I miss you, my darling...and i love you...in this life of mine, and the one you are in now.  Quote Edit

Before i lost my husband of 10 years who was only 38 years old, i did not think such a thing was possible. In my country, most young people die because of accidents, or crime. This is what the news report anyway. I am sure other young people die of health related issues, but i don't know many. This is why i feel like i am in an alternate universe, one in which i have been marked for misfortune. I work in a place with over 150 people, and only one person has lost a spouse at a young age. I am a rare exception to the rule that spouses generally live long enough to see their children grow up and reach adulthood. I don't want to be the anomaly. I don't want to be a widow. I don't want my children to be the ones pitied by other parents when they are in school. Yet here i am. I don't know why i am the one who was dealt this losing hand in life. I was the one who everybody envied....i had a brilliant, handsome, successful husband and thriving, happy children. Now i am the one pitied...i pity myself so it isn't hard to figure that others pity me now. It is a difficult transition to accept. Everybody says life is unfair, but it generally refers to finances, or to childlessness...this is a different level of unfair. It is unfair that my children and i have to experience pain of an unbearable and torturous level. It is unfair that i must now worry about finances every single day. It is unfair that i am singly responsible for parenting. It is unfair that i must one day re enter the world and face all the complete, happy families and couples in love. Widowhood is not common. Not where i am from. And not at 39.

It has been 26 days since i lost him. The shock is over now, but the horror, disbelief, ache, loss and pain persist. Life is empty. I dont know who i am without him. We were a team... a partnership. I am like an incomplete puzzle. I do not want to see people because i know in their eyes i will see what i am trying to avoid: that only half of what i was is left. There is so much i miss. It could fill volumes. I have been reading blogs of widows....all end happily when the widow finds a new love and moves on with her life. Are there no widows who move forward without a new man? I want to know that i can move forward and live a normal life one day with this pain, and not necessarily with someone else. And yet, i feel horrible for even hoping to be able to do this. If i can exist with the pain, or if it subsides one day, does this mean i am betraying him? When one loses the person who is her soulmate, should she ever recover? Maybe my pain should remain as a testament to my love....maybe it is awful to hope it will one day mellow.

Tomorrow will be three weeks since my husband suddenly died. For the first two weeks, there were lots of friends and visitors. Sometime during the third week, most people stopped coming. Life is moving along for everyone. I can see the expectation in some of them....time to pick yourself up. If i was not so broken i would laugh at the absurdity. How exactly do i normalise when i have suffered one of the biggest losses known? I am lonely to the depths of my soul. The person who made me feel on top of this world is no longer in this world. The man for whom i had three children is no longer here to kiss and hug them. They will never be able to shout out "daddy!" when he comes up the stairs. There are some hurts so deep that they are inconcievable unless you experience them yourself. The next time someone hints that i should move on after only three weeks, i will tell them "yes...because death will come to us all....you or your husband will one day die. The other will be left to mourn...three weeks and i know you will be fine."

It has been 18 days since i lost my husband. He had abdominal surgery, which was supposed to have been a success, but a day after he was discharged, he died suddenly at home. I feel angry at myself and guilty for not being able to save him. I should have seen that something was wrong instead of asking him over and over. He was a doctor so i thought he would let me know if he needed to return to the hospital. I blame myself....if i had called an ambulance an hour earlier maybe he would be alive today. The house seems so empty, although i hear the children playing and my family are moving around. There is a huge, gaping hole where his presence used to be. The pain is a constant, dull ache. I can no longer focus on thoughts of him. I think my mind is becoming cloudy to protect me from the immense pain. According to the psychologist, i will never be the same, but i will learn to adjust. I don't want to adjust. I want my life back, just as it was.

Thanks to everyone for responding. It us now 1 pm where i am...and i can now breathe. The nightmare begins when i wake up and continues till midday. I am going to see a psychologist tomorrow...and hopefully a psychiatrist later in the week. I do not feel like talking to people because i do not think anyone could possibly understand what i am going through (unless experienced as well). I just read somewhere that grief is love lost...that made me feel worse....because it continued that the bigger the grief, the more the love. Why am i not sobbing and crumpled on the floor in tears then? I love him so much...i miss him....but the tears will not come easily anymore. It is just a dull ache in my chest.

It has been 16 days since my husband of 10 years died, leaving me with our young kids. The pain was unbearable, i thought i would die. Yesterday and today however, i have trouble remembering much about him. When i think of him, everything gets confused and cloudy in my mind. I feel very disconnected. It is almost like i am somebody else. There is somebody else looking through my eyes, clinically assessing things, emotionless. This happens after 12 noon. From 6 am to 12 noon yesterday and today, i had panic attacks and felt like i was going crazy, then i took an anti nausea medication, and felt disconnected and cloudy for the rest of the day. Something feels wrong. It is not me looking through my eyes