imissdow

For the last 20 years i have had a job that was very isolating, it was fine, i came home to family and friends, got out regularly. Now not so much, changed jobs thought, ill be around people. Yes but they dont talk to me, im still alone. Starting a new part time job in a week. Hoping for some conections. I need to be around people, i think thats why im so very depressed.

I'm about 6.5 years post death. For the most part my friends are supportive of me and my choices. However I'm just the last couple of years I have noticed a shift in perceptions. Or maybe I've just become more aware, I just don't know. Most of my friends now never knew my LH. I am fortunate to have some d friends who do remember him. The ones who never knew him indrestingly enough are the ones who think I'm stuck or "having problems with greif". For the most part I dont think I'm having problems at all. I have a therapist who I see every week mainly because she is safe to talk to about him. I was motivated to go because I really want a healthy relationship in the future and the guy I was dating at the time told me I wasn't "over" my lh. That had been a common theme from all the guys I dated and a couple of close friends. So, I decided maybe it was time to do some more greif work. So this week I saw a couple of friends who have been around for almost half my life. We don't see each other often but do stay in contact via, email and Facebook. Indresting enough one lost their dad about 10years ago and mom less the 4 years ago. The other lost a boyfriend when she was a teen and her brother just over a year ago. So I told them I was "having problems with greif" and they laughed. I still miss him, I doubt that will ever change. We still celebrate his birthday and our anniversary. We ignore the day he died as much as possible, it was 4 days after his birthday. However. My life is really good. I have 2 kids in college and each is doing well. My youngest has transitioned to middle school and seems to finally figured out stuff. She has a big sister from big brothers big sisters who has just been great for her. I moved, have a new job, and some good friends and somewhat of a social life. I've managed to live within my means, pay my bills and even do some cool trips with my kids. My life looks very different then it used to and I'm good with that for the most part. I've been told I have ptsd, anxiety, depression, adjustment disorder and I think to negatively . I've also been told that I cope extremely well. I'm tired of being treated like I'm broken or damaged or on the flip side like a object by the guys I meet. My rherpist tells me I just haven't met the right one, she also suggested that I might need to find someone who had experienced great loss. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to gain from saying all this, maybe just some reassurance that I'm not crazy/ or I'm more normal then people tell me.

This week my MIL died of pancreatic cancer. I found out about 6 weeks ago that she was terminal. Thankfully I told all 3 of my Dds and we all got to see her over their thanksgiving breaks. I had td my 2 older girls to make time for a visit because grandma might not make it to Christmas break. She died finals week. Also this week a friend died, jenna was 33yo and was the children's pastor at the York haven campus of our church. Jenna and her dh were youth pastor's when my older girls were in youth group. She's also my youngest Dd best friends mom. She used to take my dd for weekends every couple of months after my lh died. She leaves a husband and 5 kids, 3 of them adopted special needs kids. My heart is heavy. I've cried more then I have in years. There are no services for my MIL. Jennas services are tomorrow. This is the first one I've been to sense my lh died. I'm dreading it. I need peace.

Today is/Was thanksgiving. All 3 of my girls were home. The 2 older ones are doing well in college. The youngest made honor roll last semester. Life is good, I have lots to be thankful for. Earlier this week I turned 50. I started a new job last week and so far I really like it. I've had lots of changes in my life in the last couple of years and I'm expecting a few more as my oldest heads off to a residential school to finish her college experience. Life is really good. I have some really good friends. I have a little bit of a social life. I'm able to enjoy some time off and can afford some simple trips. I live within my means , and have become pretty comfortable alone. Yet, with all the good stuff in my life I still feel like I'm missing something. I can't say it's a guy, I'm tired of dating and for the most part in ok with being alone. I vollenteer plenty, so it's not really a purpose, I have that. I have fun with some regularity. I feel like my life has lost passion. I used to have so much stuff that I felt so strongly about. Now I'm just meh about just about just about everything. There is very little that gets me really excited. I enjoy my time with my kids but even that feels forced a lot of the time. I get time with my best friends and I'm glad to see them but it feels really muted, if that make sense. So how do you find your passion again. I wonder if I don't allow myself to feel because I don't want to be hurt. Yet on the other hand I really want my old self back, I liked the firey, outspoken , don't take no crap girl I was. I miss the old me.

Congrats! Logged in today after weeks off and saw this, found it ironic that my last day at my job was the 9th. I'm having a hard time believing that I finally had the nerve to do it and wondering if my new job with its promised 20 hours and possibility more is really a good idea. Oh but the relief, never thought I would change careers at 50.

We always did family dinners and they were one of the few things that continued when he died. Last year my 2 oldest had jobs and I signed the youngest up for karate so we were gone 3-4 school nights. I thought keeping busy would help, instead it just made things frantic. This year we have 2 school nights of activies More often then not there's only 2 of us now but we still sit down and eat. Dinners are a lot shorter, but that 15 mins are one of the times she has all my attention.

I have been to one wedding and I skipped the reception. We're getting to the age where my friends kids are starting to get married so I'm kind of dreading this. Hugs

So my middle dd is headed off to college in a week. She's not going far, only a hour away. She's excited, ready to move on. I however am turning into a weepy mess. She's my first kid to leave. She has been to Haiti, Africa, Mexico, and this year Poland and away for lots of weeks of camp over the years. She is responicable , smart, talented, and had chosen a major that is perfect for her. I kind of figured at this point in my journey I would have someone in my life. I have dated. The last guy stuck around for 5 months. Told me wasn't "over" my lh and my kids weren't fond of him. I knew he wasn't Mr right. However he was fun. I get a decent amount of attention from guys, however I'm picky and I don't just want a warm body. I hate being single, loved being married. Not real fond of dating. My weepyness is not so much her leaving but the fact that here 6 years after lhs death it can hardly find someone I want to spend a evening with let alone have a relationship with. This just really sucks. I'm now having a hard time meeting people because I've already done all the stuff one does to meet people. I have bunches of friends yet..

July was 6 years for me. His birthday and day he died are 4 days apart. It sucked. I made it thru his birthday and then just fell apart. It surprised me yet I halfway expected it. My therapist told me to make friends with it, I really was hoping I wouldn't need to.

I've been told I have depression and anxiety. I don't take anything but I have found that I love the stress relief scent from bath and body works. Really what works better then anything else is exercise. I run often, lift weights and do some body weight stuff. I find when I can't I'm a lot more stressed. Even a quick walk helps me clear my head.

Only all the time. I just broke up with a guy I dated for 6 months. I have been weepy and upset, however not about him. Currently I'm pissed that my lh left me in this place. I actually really liked this guy, hopefully we will remain friends. Least that's what he says he want. I try really hard not to compare. And for the most part I do ok until thing go bad. Then I start thinking my lh would never do ... I hate it.

Omg! I'm almost at this point. Married 6 years, 2 months and 12 days. August 31, will be 6 years 2 months and 13 days widowed . My youngest is now 11, she was 5 when he died. How did I manage to survive those early days. My kids tell me I was a zombie, I don't remember. That's probably a blessing.

Friday night's have been pizza and a movie (netflix/Redbox)night ever since lh died. Took me ovet a year to be able to actually watch a movie. Nowdays there's no pizza. Took me even longer to start cooking again. H will be in bed soon and me, I'll probably watch NCIS , I have I think one more season to go. I never thought I would be happy to have my oldest ,now almost 21 still at home. Makes it a little less lonely. Oddly enough had my lived I would probably be doing the same thing, just would have had adult company.

Another member from the old board also, Sri single with no end in site. It's been 6 years. I've dated been told how great I am yet still alone. Hugs

I did edmr therapy 2 years ago, helped a lot. Had a reason other then greif to go and I'm glad I did. At that point I was told I had ptsd. Helped a ton. I basically feel and think I'm doing pretty well, I have a good life, I exersize, take dance classes, have friends I go out with, Volenter ,work and try to eat reasonablity well. Life is good. I just have this undercurrent of missing my LH. I have come to the conclusion that I would never not miss him. I just really want another relationship and that seems impossible. Maybe like you I just need to accept being celibate and learn to be content with my friendships.