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merrylea

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Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    March 2014
  • Cause of death
    Car Accident

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  1. It sounds like maybe the guilt is coming from insecurity? Especially thinking about if late wife would like her? I think all of us feel insecure at times with new relationships. Dating a widow is hard (even if you are a widow yourself!) I have compared myself to his LW, and felt that I have come up short. Widower BF has admitted feeling the same at times. I, too, have wondered if she would like me, if she and I would be friends. (Although me banging her husband would have probably put a damper on things) I think several things help. First, keep encouraging her to share her feelings with you. I think open and honest communication can strengthen relationships and help her from feeling guilty and insecure. Second, keep reassuring her. When people hear things again and again, they will start to believe it. Also, that person is a complete idiot. People always judge. I have judged widows in the past (before being widowed, and was just thoughts in the head that I kept in myself) and now realize what a complete idiot I was. After being widowed, have realized that everyone that loved me and my late husband just wants my happiness, and I don't give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks!
  2. I went of vacation to St. Lucia. Best. Decision. Ever. Distraction and relaxation helped me not to focus on a day that, quite frankly, I don't want to commemorate!
  3. I get this. Widower BF and I just moved in together. I'm 19 months out, he's a bit less. One topic of conversation early on was - are we just together because we are both widows. When we've exhausted all the widow topics, will we still like each other? When we're no longer acting like horny teenagers, will we still like each other? Here's the thing. It's not going to feel like it did before. This other person is not your late spouse. You are not the same person that you were when you met your late spouse. I think as we get older, we know who we are better, we know what we want, and its easier to know if someone is compatible with yourself. I'd say for me, I've lost some of the innocence I had the first time I fell in love; I've had the worst that can happen, happen. But, I also tried to really embrace life again, to live life fully. When you find a partner that is on board with that.... It. Is. Amazing.
  4. First - your tattoo is gorgeous! What a piece of art. I have a memorial tattoo on my foot. Widower BF has a memorial tattoo on his chest. We both agreed it was a HEALING process to get the tattoo. To put physical pain to the emotional pain that we all have faced. To have a scar on the skin that you can touch and shows, unlike the scar in your heart. I have to admit though, I can see how these things can become addictive!!! -M
  5. My late husband was an avid collector and seller of Lego; we even had a separate outbuilding for his business. He had millions upon millions of Lego bricks and sets. Since his death a year and a half ago, I've pretty much left that building alone; it was so much a part of him. The house, yes, I did change and reclaim over time, but not the "Lego house." Well.... now the house is sold. I'm moving and downsizing and starting fresh, and the Lego can't come with. This past Saturday, myself and 8 other people spent 4 1/2 hours moving all these Lego to storage so it buys me more time to find an appropriate buyer (one that I had in line had a heart attack!) For the items I do want to keep, my stepfather made me a hope chest for my birthday. All the special items and memories that I want to keep, I've been putting in a special place in this chest. It really, really helps. Good luck, this is tough stuff.
  6. I think that everyone is different. I can honestly say that I am not a very jealous person, either with my late husband or current BF. Maybe its that in both relationships felt and feel so secure in their feelings for me, that if someone is ogling them up, it makes me smile, knowing that this highly desirable person loves me, and is going home with me. Late husband was English (in America) and he had so many people that would start chatting him up with.... "I love your accent!" I would usually just take a back seat and watch; it was a bonus if he could get a drink out of it! I think some amount of jealously is normal with most people. I do think it crosses a line when you don't allow your partner to be friends with opposite sexes, or talk to the opposite sex, or get upset when they are working with attractive people and make them change jobs, (all scenarios I have heard very recently!) and may be indicative of some other issues.
  7. Hi Tricia- I'm currently 15 months out and all I have to say is, so far so good. I, too, felt a sense of relief after the one year mark. I do know that everyone is different, though. During the first year, I felt like I was constantly swimming, just trying to stay afloat. This year is all about rebuilding my life, deciding where I want to go from here. While it's not without its challenges, it feels like I'm finally starting to take steps forward, instead of just staying afloat, and that's a good feeling. I will say I tried to confront my grief head on, and did some really hard grief work with an amazing counselor. Maybe that's why I feel more prepared to rebuild? Dunno. Please take care of yourself these next days, and listen to your needs and wants. It's all about you at this time. -M
  8. Probably 3-4 months after LH died, I started the process of taking them off. They'd go off, and then come back on, and then go off again. They then stayed off. About 7 months after his death, there was a delayed memorial service for him overseas (he was a British expat and many could not make the funeral.) I brought the rings with me and wore them. It felt weird on my finger. I knew then that I was ready to not wear my wedding ring. I no longer felt married. The thought of the rings sitting in my jewelry box forever, however, was distressing. Around the one year mark, I did have the rings repurposed and made into a unique individual pendant. The feather is now his "symbol" and the jeweler created a beautiful diamond encrusted feather using all the gold and diamonds from my ring. It's a beautiful reminder of what was, and also what will be as a rebuild my future. -M
  9. I've been mulling this over as well - just because I'm in a mood to get rid of "stuff." Stuff is weighing me down. I think that donating it has a better ring than selling it. I love the dress, loved that day, and to be able to give that gift to someone else.... it just feels better in the feelers.
  10. Like many others, there wasn't one defining moment in which I thought - I'm a widow. At first - I couldn't even say the word widow. I remember rushing to get everything together for the funeral. Because his family was over in England, and his death was unexpected, It was up to me to take care of all the arrangements. I kept referring to the funeral as the wedding (unconsciously) as that was the last major event I had planned. When someone referred to me at the funeral as my late husband's widow, it kinda threw me off guard. When the haze started to lift - the it wasn't the word "widow" that stuck out to me, per say. It was that I was ALONE. When they day in and day out of life and grief happened, and I was the only person that could take care of things, on my own, no help. That was more of a defining moment. I ALONE had to take care of everything from now on. I ALONE had to make sure things got done. So.... now its a bit easier to refer to myself as a widow. However, I don't want that word to define me. It has helped to shape who I am today, but quite simply..... I am me.
  11. I hate those words. I really do. That and "It's all in Gods plan" can really go fuck themselves. Last night I met with a man that was severely injured in the same accident that killed my LH. I had gone into the meeting, quite honestly, not knowing what to expect, but hoping for an uplifting meeting for both of us. He kept repeating those words over and over, at which point I got angrier and angrier. Look, maybe some things happen for a reason, but everything? I don't think so. There is a reason that young people in the prime of their life in the midst of building something great get taken away? There is a reason that the young suffer so horrendously and die without realizing their dreams? I have accepted what has happened. I am on my way to rebuilding. I have learned lessons, probably in the most painful way possible, that have made me a better person. I get to decide what my future looks like from here, which is scary, and if I'm completely honest, exciting. But please do not tell me that everything happens for a reason. You can say that because you are still alive and found Jesus. Good for you. If you are dead, experiences do not allow you to grow. Please do not lecture me about God's plan, because if it were actually his plan to take away successful professional, loving husband, only child to his dad, and any hope for a future family..... God's kinda a dick. I am grateful for the lessons that I've learned. I'm grateful for the people I've met. I'm grateful for ability to see a future again and be excited about it, while at this time a year ago I was deep in an ocean of grief. I grateful for every second that I'm still here, breathing, touching, laughing, loving, working, crying........ because I'm still here. But.... these revelations have come from MY hard work. The trade for my late husbands life for me to learn these lessons was NOT a good enough reason.
  12. @Normsgirl4ever There is a few of us Wisconsin wids out there. There was just a dinner in Appleton the other week! Feel free to organize. If I'm free, I'm game! -M
  13. Hi everyone- I was part of the other group under the same name, and several people were gracious enough to e-mail me after that site was shut down to let me know about the new an improved board! I lost my husband in March 2014 to a car accident. I was sick that day, he had left work a little bit early, and he was rear ended on the way home while making a turn. We were only married for a year and a half, so really, just newlyweds. While neither of us were perfect, I can honestly say that we had a good marriage and we were both pretty damn happy. It was so incredibly helpful for me to have this resource, especially in the early "zombie" days. When it all went down, I thought I was the only person like me in the world. Unfortunately, I wasn't. I'm so very grateful for the people I've met through ywbb, those people have truly been a bright spot in the shit storm. I look forward to the support of this board in the quest to rebuild going forward, as many decisions will need to be made sooner rather than later. Take care all!
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