MrsDan

My BF proposed on New Year's Day!

I never said we should tell each other everything is okay and good. I never said we shouldn't have different opinions. I simply said we should offer our thoughts with kindness and compassion. Bluntness for the sake of helping someone make informed decisions is one thing. Using a grief site as your own personal playground to condescend, belittle, and bully people, advance your outdated and narrow-minded belief system, and take out your unprocessed anger on vulnerable people are very different things. It's my contention that is what he is doing. I don't believe there is anything close to an altruistic motive here. That's not what this is at all, and I'm tired of it to the point that it has pretty much driven me away from this site. I'm pretty far out myself, 7 years, and the nature of my husband's death mean I have faced very hard truths every day since. I have no problem doing that. I do have a problem with cruelty.

It will be seven years in October. Our DD just turned seven a couple weeks ago. She was just a baby. Now she's a kid. A little kid, but still a kid with a fully formed, if evolving, personality, who's just under a foot shorter than me. I feel like I'm seeing new physical characteristics and personality traits that she shares with her dad all the time. She's tall like him, but they also share the same frame, they have the same feet. They have so many of the same expressions. Just this weekend i noticed that she has developed this crease he had in his cheeks when he smiled. My BF takes a ton of pictures of us and there are so many where I've thought, wow, that is Dan, right there, in that expression, or that pose. They share many likes and dislikes. She wants music on all the time. They both dislike putting their clothes away more than any other chore. They both love pickles. They share the same expression when they're messing with you. It's crazy to me to see this person who couldn't even sit upright when he died is so much like him now. In many ways, it feels like he died so, so long ago. So this sensation of almost like seeing him again in a way, it's jolting. I don't know how to describe it exactly, this deja vu, but it's so overwhelming I had to come here and post about it.

I don''t know exactly what Portside said, because I have him blocked, for exactly this type of thing, but there is a huge difference between giving honest feedback and shaming people about something they already feel turmoil over. This is why I hardly ever come here anymore, not because of Portside's posts, which i can easily block, but because of all the posts that defend his bullying behavior, so perfectly described by Mizpah as "uninformed moral self-righteousness." Stop dressing this up as bluntness. You can be blunt while being compassionate. To choose not to when dealing with people who've suffered profound loss can't be described as anything other than cruel. It's my understanding that this is intended to be a place to support and seek support. This may be just my understanding of the nature of the site, but it is not the place to promote your political beliefs, or to make yourself feel superior because of how you think you've handled grief, loss, and life in general better than everyone else, or to take out all your unresolved issues on people who are already suffering. If you are not here to provide support, and you have everything figured out, then what are you doing here? OP, I have been where you are, and ultimately asked and received money from the ILs. I never regretted it, because the awkwardness just faded away, but the benefits to my kid was real and long lasting.

A divorced friend of mine posted on Facebook about how she's doing this on her own. And it took all my self control to say, no, you're not. They have a father. Your relationship ended; theirs didn't. PS, you can't post about missing your kids when they are with their dad, then turn around and say you're on your own. If you actually did have them all the time, if you were the only parent you'd know the difference. I cut her a lot of slack because one of her children has been seriously ill his whole life. Maybe since her marriage dissolved it feels like it's on her own. But it's not. That's another one that gets me, when single mothers complain about their kids being away from them, as if fathers don't go through the exact same thing. Especially fathers who only get a fraction of the parenting time that the mothers do. Not tied to my widowhood, but as someone in a relationship with someone who got screwed in the parenting time department. My mother tried to pull that whole, "your dad didn't help with you kids much argument. First of all, that's horseshit, she's rewriting history, my dad was always there for me emotionally. Even if it were true, it's still not the same fucking thing.

Oh man I am so sorry. That's so rough. ((((((((Tybec)))))))))

I think it's hard to overemphasize the restrictions the court in a custody situation puts you under. The time you get is what you get and there is no compromise. The rules a super specific and unless the other parent is willing to compromise (never happens in our case) you are stuck working around what the court has put in place, and walking around eggshells trying to keep them from taking more time away. When one person is dealing with the court, the other person is the only one able to compromise. And that gets tiresome, and it means you are asking yourself and your child to make all the sacrifices. Why should her kid miss band (I was a band kid, it's a bigger deal than you might think) just because the court is dragging it's feet (3 months?! That is outrageous!) To answer the other question about needing a relationship where the other person is "all in" well sure i would like that but (see the above court stuff) that is something that is not completely in his control. What I do get is someone who understands that i will always love and grieve Dan, who understands that Dan will always be integrated into our lives, who gets along with Dan's family, is even willing to go on vacation with them, who is so supportive through my chronic pain condition, who is someone who argues fairly and constructively. The list goes on. There are things i wish were different, but you can't have everything, and with him i get a whole lot. I don't believe people should settle by any means but i don't think I'm settling either.

Tybec it's confusing for me as well. He says he wants to get married, and i think he does in theory but the reality is we are not married or engaged. I do feel like he wants to ask, and i don't want to take that away from him but it kind of rankles me too. I would prefer us to have a sit down and just decide it together. But when i try, it's clear that he's still in the exploratory stage. I'm aware that i could go find someone else if marriage is that important. But it's not like i want to be married for married sake; in fact i really didn't want to get remarried at all but he changed my mind. I also don't think that's realistic; it's hard finding love like this. Besides Dan didn't want to get married either. So who's to say anybody else would feel differently? At some point sometimes you have to say, it's not them, it's me. It's fine. I'm generally getting to be pretty accepting of it, except when I'm out of sorts. I do wish i had broached the subject earlier. I spent too much time early in our relationship not wanting to scare him off and i think much of that was informed by my relationship with Dan and his addiction.

Oh I've told him some time ago. I just wished I'd been more direct sooner. He knows. He just doesn't want to marry me.

I too wish I'd had this conversation sooner. I know he's thinking about marriage. I know he wants o keep moving forward. I also sense that he wants to ask. But I also don't like the loss of agency on my part that comes with that. I say I want more, and he says he does too, but I'm about ready to say, we are not on the same page with this because if we were we'd already be married.

I don't know. These dances have been very, very hard for my daughter, whose father died when she was three months old. She is six now, and what is very difficult for her is not having ANY memories or experiences with her father. None. She adores my boyfriend and her uncle but they still make her weepy. To me, if a school offers Ladies Choice as opposed to Daddy/Daughter there's a good chance it's reflective of greater sensitivity to different types of family circumstances and the emotional well being of kids in general.

I second everything Bunny said. Honestly, I don't particularly feel it's my place but throughout all your posts on this man the word that most consistently comes to mind is backburner. And since you yourself used that term maybe i can finally say it - this man doesn't seem emotionally strong enough to give you what you need. I get the custody stuff - I do- particularly the fear, after my BF was punitively treated by the Friend of the Court simply for requesting that his ex abide by the CO and for more time with his child. I get it. It takes two incredibly strong people to deal with one, the custody issues, and two, the widowhood issues. TWO people. It doesn't work if one person carries the load, by providing all the support and patience, while also having to mange their own difficulties without support. There are times i felt backburnered and I'm sure my BF has felt sidelined by my grief at times but we both work to make sure that is decreasing over time. It's a two way street. Negative behaviors and the responses to them both need to improve. I also think the fact that he would have married this person but for geography is a huge indicator of a lack of his emotional depth. If you really want to marry someone, you do whatever you can to figure out away to make it happen. Change jobs. Meet halfway. I can see choosing not to move a relationship forward because of distance but if you are truly at the point of marriage, then it's a non issue. If one of you had to move, would he just give up? I have to admit, this kind of infuriated me. That's a pretty ballsy statement for someone who has expected you to put all your wants and needs on hold while he deals with his shit.

I am so very sorry to hear this.

It varied, but with my boyfriend it was on my first date. He's told me many times since then that he was impressed with how I shared something so personal. I told my ILs when he and I started getting serious. I told my BIL and SIL first; I didn't know how any of them would react and so I called them and they were very positive. I told his parents in person. There have been some bumps in my relationships with them, but they were supportive. I sensed that it was a bit tougher for his dad, although we never discussed it and he passed away not too long after meeting my BF. Everybody is very supportive on both sides. I don't really see my own family too much so often doing things with "my side" means doing things with my ILs. BIL and BF are friendly. My BF was invited and went to BIL's Coast Guard retirement and to SIL's baby shower. My MIL buys Christmas and birthday gifts for his daughter. I think it must be hard for them. But I also think they felt so bad that I was raising a baby alone and was so miserable that hey are happy that I am more functional and have support.

This is one of the biggest things I've learned since Dan died. Not only can two things be true at once, but those two things can be completely contradictory with one another. I can be deeply in love with two men at the same time. I understand fully that addiction is a disease and get so worked up at people who treat it like it's a character flaw. But i also feel tremendous anger at Dan for not stopping, for doing this to himself and destroying our lives. I love my BF and what we have but i also miss my old life tremendously. It's been difficult to come to terms with these contradictions and eventually i just had to recognize that these things coexist no matter how much it doesn't seem to make sense.

I started dating at 3 years out. Was I ready? According to my rubric, I think so, but it can be defined in different ways. I was still shattered, still breaking down in ugly cries, still unable to see any hope. But I'd say i was ready for the kind of dating i'd envisioned, because i didn't really anticipate falling in love. I anticipated maybe finding something like a very strong fondness. But I met and fell in love with my BF, and I'm just fortunate he was the man i fell in love with, because he pulled me gently and kindly back into the real world. If i had fallen for someone less understanding and emotionally generous, it would have been a disaster. And if i hadn't met him fairly quickly after i had started to date it probably wouldn't have been good for me. Had my ILs not welcomed him so openly, or if he'd felt awkward in their presence, it would impeded my progress i think. Throughout our relationship he has been dealing with stressful custody issues with his daughter, and he wasn't looking for a relationship either. I feel like that we've leaned on each other in healthy ways when dealing with our respective issues. I don't think that could have happened if either of us wasn't truly ready. I wouldn't say i feel like the old me. Part of that may have to do with the fact that i became a new mom three months before Dan died, and that has a substantial impact n your identity. But widowhood has been the biggest change agent and I don't see that shifting. I'm more of an amalgam - of parts of my old self as they were, parts that i had to forge from nothing by virtue of tremendously traumatic circumstances, and parts that BF and I are growing together. Dan had a lot to do with who i was; we influenced each other tremendously. I'd ascribed that our youth, but i can see some of that happening with BF s well. There will never be a part of me that doesn't see the world as being a lesser place because Dan is not in it. And the sorrow I feel for HIM, what he has lost out on, I just can't shed that. That part gets harder as time goes on, in a way, because there is just more and more stuff that he's missing and that is where much of my grief stems from now - how his death impacts everyone else. I miss him, i wonder what our life would look like now. But the bigger thing i struggle with is missing him within a larger context - knowing the void it creates within his family, knowing what my daughter is missing out him, the reality that he didn't have the chance to know that amazing little girl. i miss him in the moments that should have happened, like I miss the way he laughed when he found something really funny and it tears me up that he never laughed that way at the million hilarious things our daughter does.

MM, so good to see your name. I feel like we often articulated much of the same thoughts and feelings early on, and that still seems to be the case. Yes, it's this alternative, fake reality that i am really struggling with lately. It's such a very difficult thing to articulate to those who haven't experienced it, to convey how and why it is so emotionally overwhelming. I love my BF; we have a wonderful relationship. In many ways it's healthier than the one I had with Dan, in some part to my perspective being altered by Dan's death. I let small things go now, having learned in the hardest of ways that they don't matter. He is incredibly kind, and emotionally healthy in a way that i don't think Dan ever was. He has a child, and there is stress to be dealt with as far as blending, court stuff and her mother and all of that crap. But i feel like all of that is made more stressful by my own personal grief. He is wonderful with my daughter and with Dan's family. But he is not him, he can't fill that void for them in the way that they often need. I grieve hard for the relationship Dan should have had with her, even as i appreciate what she has with my BF. Even after all this time, there are still things that hit me. I took DD to see Ralph Breaks the Internet, and the whole time i thought, "this is an experience she should be sharing with Dan." He was a gamer; they should be enjoying this together. This morning driving to work out of nowhere i recalled someone telling me (I think it was my brother) that it's very possible Dan might not have lived as long as he did had i not been in my life. I'm not sure that's true, but just thinking about that one statement, it brought to mind all the suffering Dan must have been in. And then i get to thinking he was so full of life - how can he be gone?

Six years this past October and it is still hard. Just in a way i can't quite quantify or articulate. I love my BF and I have my daughter and dogs but being Dan's widow is a part of my identity that always lurks in the background. This year was harder than last and i'm not sure why.

There is so much about this i relate to. I had been wanting to get married for a while but now I'm becoming more of the "maybe if it were just us" camp. Lately I'm coming to terms with the reality that with the complications involved with his kid it's not the best idea. Our parenting philosophies are just too different. And because we have such different approaches (to his child, not mine, as he has no problem being firm with my child but that is off limits with his), i don't know about us all living under the same roof. It's one thing when both parents have the same rights, but different when the child in question isn't your own. I don't think i can handle a child i don't feel comfortable parenting in my home, even if it is just part time. The whole thing is exacerbated by the limited time he has with his daughter as well as his ex's bullshit; it affects his parenting and frankly upsets the routine DD, our dogs, and I have developed. I love him, i wish we had more time together. But there are things i just don't want to deal with. His child staying up way into the night because her life is so chaotic, or he feels guilty, while mine is an bed the same time every night sharp. Having another mother-in-law up in my business. Losing authority over what behaviors or practices I consider acceptable in my house. For example, my dogs sleep with me; my child does not. Ever. If she is really sick or something i will go sleep on the floor of her room. My bedroom is my space; it's where i sobbed, where I've laid awake still in profound disbelief that he's dead. She has to ask permission to go on my bed. Do I want to deal with all of that, especially when it could negatively impact what is a very healthy and loving relationship? He doesn't think the divide is a big as I do, or thinks that if it is, we can work through it. I think we can, I'm just not sure living together or marriage ( we've already decided we would not cohabitate unless we got married as we think it wouldn't be good for our girls. And let's face it - my last marriage didn't end so well, did it? I've been asked about our plans. His mother is particularly anxious about, in addition to not realizing i am now to old to have more kids, while others, like BIL, MIL, and a few friends just seem mildly curious. None of these people has had to deal with anything remotely like my situation, nor do they have to live with the consequences, so i am not really interested in their opinions.

I think a lot of parents who are not widows have the mindset of "Kids kids kids above all else" mentality and while that seems admirable, losing my husband has drawn into sharp focus how critical that partnership was. Kids depend on us to look out for them. But our SOs have needs and vulnerabilities too. Before Dan died I would have told you that my daughter was the absolute center in my life, and that her needs superseded all others. Now I know how ridiculous that is. Dan was my best friend and partner for 14 years. His death gutted me. So I value my BF with the perspective that he doesn't quite have. I'm not expecting him to put my needs above his daughter's, but rather I expect him to balance them in a way that is healthy for everybody, and i try to do the same. He's made a lot of progress there. But when you're dealing with the court system and exes and all that it makes things even harder. I knwo a lot of dads in particular feel backed into a corner.

Do your ILs know? I was scared to tell mine, but they were all very supportive. And we are now so integrated it's almost weird. So, BF, DD and I will spend Christmas Eve at his Dad's, Christmas Day at his mom's, then the day after Christmas we're driving to my home state to spend time with my ILs. My BIL lives not too far from me but SIL lives across the country so they're all meeting at the family home. I had a very rocky relationship off and on with DH's parents for a long time. But things have smoothed over. I think some of it has to do with the effort they've made with my BF, some with my FIL's passing, and of course just time. DH's whole family invites my BF to everything; in fact he's basically expected. My BF is completely understanding about my feelings for Dan and my relationship with them. I have a good relationship with BF's family, it's not like there's a competition. I understand why NGs might be uncomfortable, but i would feel weird about a big part of someone's life being sectioned off from him. We have things kind of nicely scheduled for the second year. I'm sure my MIL would rather we be there on Christmas Eve but I just can't. Too painful. So it wouldn't happen even if i didn't have plans with BF's families.

They are my inlaws. As a matter of fact BIL is bringing his son over for a sleepover tonight; he and my daughter are close. My boyfriend is always included in their family events. He came with when SIL and I took our kids trick or treating. My MIL buys gifts for his daughter at Christmas. I'm estranged from most of family so after some water under the bridge with his mom, they are the family I'm in contact with see most. I'm their family, so they treat him as their family too. BF has no issue with it all, i asked him once if he ever thought it was weird, and he said no, he just thought it was great that i have supportive people in my life. BTW, I also refer to DH as my husband. Only if they don't know do i say Late. With BF's family,when i tell stories that include him, i say husband. That will change if BF and ever get married but right now no one has a problem with it.

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Not at all Tybec I'm glad you posted. That's why I posted. I don't like feeling like I'm trying to take something from their relationship. I don't like feeling like this, that's why I sought some validation.