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  1. beanless

    No will

    I don't think there is an easy way to deal with it. I have 15 copies of the death certificate. I have used them for the mandatory and immediate things. I am putting off things like student loans, ect, that I should deal with, but just can't yet. I am trying to do 1 thing a week.
  2. beanless

    Hard day today

    Please give yourself a break. Losing a spouse is the worst and people that haven't gone though it don't understand it. Please, please, please give yourself permission to be sad. One day, you think you can function and you are on the road to recovery and the next, things are horrible for 3 days in a row. I think that this is just the way it is. This is a process. Focus on the kiddos and understand that you don't have to be perfect for them either
  3. beanless


    I am a nurse practitioner. Please don't beat yourself up about it being preventable. He was so young that even if he would have been seen earlier, no one would have guessed how serious it was. I am so sorry
  4. beanless

    First vacation without my husband

    Oddly, this is something that I am really stressing about. It's supposed to be the best time, but your best partner is gone, siiiggggh. I don't have words of wisdom, but know I am thinking about you. I guess I would say, take it day by day and focus on fun
  5. beanless

    Stuck Again

    I have an acquaintance that goes to camp widow and loves it. I am planning on going next year. As far as getting "unstuck" I am not there yet. I am SOOOO stuck. My husband died 12/10. I can't even cook for myself yet. I feel like everything will come back slowly and differently. WHo I was 2 years ago will not be who I am in a year from now. My thought process is to tackle one thing at a time and if it takes me a year to fulfill those tasks, so be it.
  6. beanless

    I'm an orphan

    I lost my mother ten years ago, my father five years ago and my husband 2 months ago. I have a brother also who lived out of town at the time my father died. He would have been overjoyed if I would have taken on all the chores. I did not. I gave him the choice of two weekends and told him he needed to help that weekend. I also had a dumpster delivered. We went through the home and decided what to keep/throw away. It was then over. Put the home on the market and had a lawyer to help w/ probate (my father did not have a will/not were either of us POA). I also assigned him (my brother) tasks. It wasn't exactly 50/50, but it was better than if I would have just hoped he would have volunteered to help.
  7. beanless

    Widowed Jan 16, 2019.

    Anniversaries are difficult I have found (as are a million other triggers). We had our first date 2 days before Valentine's day and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Just reminds us of all the little secret stuff that we shared and intimacy (not sex). I am so sorry for you (and all of us). Have you looked in to a grief coach? I lost my husband December 10th and I started talking to mine about a month after my DH died. She lost her husband as well, so I find a lot of solace in talking to her about what is normal (ish) and what is not. I say a grief coach because for me, the LAST thing I feel like doing is go out on a day I feel horrible and am crying, plus, I wanted someone that has been through this, not just an academic. She (as well as this board) are good at validating feelings and thoughts. This is absolutely the worst thing I've ever been though (and I've been through some poop), and it sounds like this is the same for you. It's SO hard not to feel completely alone. I promise every week is a little better (not awesome, I had a crying spell for a few hours yesterday)... please hold on.
  8. beanless

    Going back to work

    Thank you all. I used FMLA to care for DH before he died and I am in health care as well. I appreciate the replies and input. They are not letting me flex my time (although the rest of the team can and I used to be able to). I think you've helped me feel better about my decision to leave, hopefully I can take a month off, and find something else in my field.
  9. I went back to work right before a month after my DH died. I think it was too soon, and 6 weeks probably would have been better. Now it is 2 months after he has passed and I am still having significant trouble being on time and focusing, although my performance is solid and I don't cry at work. Work has lost their patience. That being said, it's time for a change anyway. I'm thinking about trying to take off a month after I quit this job. There is still so much to do as far as closing accounts and such. Also, I am still SO sad, I often stay in bed all day on the weekends. When did YOU go back to work? Were you on time, were there problems? They should have widow leave, just like maternity leave. I really feel this is THAT life changing. Sigh...
  10. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I know that the grief is overwhelming at this time, of course you want to crawl in a hole. I am a new widow myself, and there a lot more people on this board who have a lot more wisdom than I do. Do you have a friend or family that can be there for you during this horrible and early time?
  11. beanless

    A Book

    Read the book. Thought it was helpful
  12. beanless

    Newly Widowed Again

    I cannot imagine going through this twice. My prayers and thoughts are with you.
  13. beanless

    Widowed Jan 16, 2019.

    Just wanted you to know- I lost my husband 6 weeks ago. It has been horrible. That being said, this week has been a lot better than when I was at week 4. People who haven't been through this are NOT helpful. I have been in bed, literally turning back and forth with chest pain and anxiety, thinking I was dying and sometimes wanting to. Hang in there. A few weeks makes a lot of difference, it is still horrible, but slightly better. Someone told me "day by day", but I think that's crap. It's more minute by minute, hour by hour. Reading so many posts on this sight have given me slight hope for the future. If you brush you're teeth everyday, I think you are fantastic, there are still days when I do not and cannot get out of bed. But Every week is slightly better (in general). It does not fill the big empty hole, but allows you to walk to the side occasionally.

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