I see that this forum has not been posted in in some time, but it still comforted me to read this thread. Even reading amongst other widows and grieving people I do not relate.
My husband was practically perfect. We had what I considered a fairy-tale marriage, I loved him more every day. Then when I was 41.5 weeks pregnant with our second child, he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Not just probably terminal - but 100% terminal. He was 30 and I was 29. We had been together for 10 years and had the happiest little life.
6 weeks later when we found out it was already more advanced than the doctors had suspected, THAT was when I fully grieved. The not wanting to eat, only staying in motion for the kids, tears could cover the earth, grieving. But I had a 6 week old and a 4 year old and had to keep moving. During that brain surgery, my incredible, amazing husband suffered a stroke which left him physically affected, but, more devastatingly, different as a person from the man I married. He was still a good and loving man, but his executive function was pretty well gone. All his very best traits, the things that made him above all others to me - were gone. His selflessness, what a hard worker he was, his habit of being attentive and observant...all gone in an instant. I did not accept that these changes were permanent until a year after the stroke, and that is when things became so hard for me as a caregiver. He was still working, but every aspect of his life was managed by me. He went from being a heavy hitter with the cleaning and laundry to doing nothing, ever. He was capable of a lot still, but the motivation, logic and follow through were gone. It was so hard for me sometimes to stay kind, to stay loving. I knew it was what he deserved from me because this was not his fault, but it was so HARD. I am the homeschooling mom of two, but the ability to go out and get a job and plan for the future did not exist. He could not drive anymore and the appointments, appointments, appointments, surgeries, surgeries, on top of getting him to and from work every day meant that all I could do was wait and hope things would shake out OK in the end and the kids and I would not end up destitute.
You usually have a year with his diagnosis. He was an extreme outlier - he survived for 5. I did my best during this time to create memories for the kids. It absolutely kills me that I picked the best father in the whole word for them and my daughter already doesn't remember who he was before the stroke and my son never even got to know him as he was. Five divorces between my two parents and we created a stable, loving, healthy marriage that my children won't get the benefit of having modeled. I wanted our son to grow up just like his dad. Who will teach him?
But yes, anticipatory grief is a very real thing, at least for some. I do not relate to any of the new widow posts. I felt all those feelings 4 years ago - I lost my husband in pieces along the way. I have grieved for so long for the man I lost. It is still harder than I thought it would be right now. (He passed on the 4th, the day before his 36th birthday.) I'm getting gut punches of agony here and there that I really was not expecting. The nights once my children are in bed are the worst.
The last 5 years I have had to keep it down tight. I have been mourning my husband but I wasn't allowed. Because he was still here and seemed the same to others and he was fighting the hard fight. I just had to be the doting cancer spouse. But my heart was screaming, "He is gone! He is gone!" I missed him so much but I was not allowed to say it. I think some of that is bubbling up. Being allowed to miss the man I married, finally.
