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powbesh

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Everything posted by powbesh

  1. Thank you, Beanless, for sharing your own pain with me. For me, too, this is by far the worst blow life has dealt me. I am seeing a therapist, but she is not specifically a grief coach & has not experienced the loss of a spouse. Just making my way to her door was like walking through quagmire, & I spent most of the session keening and wailing, just like I do alone at home. And those triggers.......most of them come out of nowhere. You know, your own loss was only a month before mine, and so I imagine you are still in a pretty dark place much of the time.But I appreciate your words of hope and your advice about a grief coach. Am taking both to heart.
  2. Today was brutal, but tomorrow will be even worse. It's our anniversary. We were married 35 years ago, February 18th, 1984. Problem is, one of us is missing. I've been crying hard almost all day and am in a very dark place. How can life be so brutal?
  3. Thank you, tybec, for those words of hope. I am new to this. My husband died last month, & I am still shattered & feeling beyond repair. But when I read the words from you & others who have been where I am now, it encourages me to hang on and give it more time. Our 35th anniversary will be this Monday (Feb 18th) & I'm braced for the unbearable pain I know awaits me.
  4. My personal loss is new & my emotions are raw. But the people on this site have meant the world to me. The comfort they've provided has been a tremendous help to me, a shattered person. I sought help on the internet and found it here and I hope, after my own pain has eased, I can be of help to others who have to try & make it through the quagmire of grief.
  5. This board has helped me. My beloved husband died last month & my emotions are still very raw. I wish there were more posts, but the ones I've received have given me hope that things will get better no matter how god-awful they are now. I've gotten encouragement from those who were once as shattered as I am now and I hope there will come a time when I feel repaired enough to help others.
  6. Love2fish, how long has it been since your loss?
  7. Yesterday i dragged myself to the grocery store. It was like trying to wade through neck-deep water. My legs didn''t carry me.....I dragged them along! But I made it. And I came home and forced myself to eat a Stouffer's Mac & Cheese. Plug for Stouffer's completely unintended. It tasted as much like paper as anything else I've eaten. Am drinking wine, perhaps a bit too much, but am also drinking water & Boost. All of you on this site have been supportive & helpful & I hope to be able to help others assuming I survive this dark swamp of misery.
  8. What can I expect? He's been gone less than a month & I've already lost 7 pounds. Didn't weigh very much to begin with, and am now down to 100 lbs. Cannot force myself to eat. Zero appetite, all tastes like paper. Has anyone experienced this? Please tell me what, if anything, I can do to restore my appetite.
  9. LOVE. It’s a fun thing to have. It brings people together to laugh & dance. LOVE. It makes two people into one. So long as there’s love, there’s no longer a you or me. LOVE. It’s a very strong emotion in people. Sometimes we push it aside to let anger get thru, but LOVE. It returns as strong as ever. You say you’re sorry and beg forgiveness. LOVE. It always forgives. And it brings brutal, devastating pain when one who has it dies. LOVE. It kills.
  10. Very bad morning. Cannot stop wailing. Am going to call a therapist later and set up an appointment. How can something hurt this much? I just want to die. I want to be wherever my Love is.
  11. Yesterday two of my closest girlfriends came to visit. We watched a scary movie, and they stayed with me for 6 hours! We drank wine, ate candy, and I actually laughed a few times! This morning is a different story. Back to keening and wailing and wishing I were dead. Still in my pajamas, like you used to do. Am going to try & record my thoughts. That sounds like a suggestion that might actually ease my pain. After more than 5 years, you still hurt. It just never goes away, does it.
  12. Thank you, tybec. I will keep looking for help.
  13. The bereavement group was not what I hoped it would be. The people there were very kind, but almost all of them were grieving losses that occurred a long time ago, & only a few had lost their spouses. Most of them lost parents & there was even one who was grieving the loss of her financial status. This forum helps me way more than that group did. Am going to ask my GP to recommend a grief counselor. Meanwhile, thank you, Widda, for being there.
  14. Just another day. Am not crying as often, but when it comes, it is just as loud & painful as ever. Never know what will bring it on. Usually, it seems spontaneous. Oh man, this hurts. Why? Why does it hurt so freaking bad? Emotional pain is something I wish we humans didn't have. It can't be cured.
  15. I'm 73 & my dear husband was 82 when he died 12 days ago. The pain makes me wish I weren't so human. But I am human, and I know the pain that we suffer when we lose our spouse, no matter what our age is. One of my FB friends, in response to my grief, told me he, too, was grieving because he just lost his dog. I gave him my sympathy. Grief is grief. It hurts worse than any physical pain I've ever had because physical pain can go away with a Tylenol, but NOTHING makes grief go away. Please know this, no matter if you are young, old, or in between......I feel your pain.
  16. Today I took a shower. It was my first shower in 8 days & I had to force myself to do it. No, it didn't make me feel any better. Just cleaner. As if I care...... You know, I actually thought a shower might help me. It didn't. Nothing helps. Nothing. Except one thing.......my brokenhearted brothers & sisters in this virtual community.
  17. Found out about a local group of people who have loved & lost. My first time with the group will be today at 1 p.m. There is a person from hospice who spends time with us and answers any questions one might have. I do hope this helps me in some way. This pain right now is real close to being more than I can bear & I know everyone on this site knows what I'm talking about. For now, Widda is my lifeline.
  18. Maybe some day I'll be able to help brokenhearted people the way you all are helping me. Right now, the only thing that really matters to me is to read your messages, both the very, very sad ones and the ones that hold forth modicums of hope. Now I know what it feels like to be an empty shell. The only comfort is in knowing I'm not alone. There are others, unfortunately, who understand & who feel my pain. Each one of you has my gratitude and also my deepest sympathy.
  19. I can't be around people. Friends mean well......they offer to visit, take me to lunch, take me to a movie, etc. But I don't want to do any of those things. I don't even want visitors! Should I force myself to be among the living, or should I continue in my isolation. Does it help to do things you really don't want to do?
  20. His ashes arrived today. For some reason, lying down & holding that urn close to me made me feel OK for a while. I was actually able to smile a little. Didn't last long, but for at least a half hour I felt a slight relief from the paralyzing pain.
  21. Thank you, Jean. Like you once felt, I do not care If I live or die. Would take my own life if only I knew how to do it. And eating is next to impossible! Am mostly relying on the nutritional drinks he left behind. Yes, I know my friends mean well, but the last thing I feel like doing is lunch & a movie. Give me a break!!! This Widda group is helping me and I hope to repay in kind some day, even though I certainly don't wish this immense pain on anyone. Meanwhile, I am most grateful for this virtual shoulder to lean on. It makes me feel like I'm not alone even tho in reality I m.
  22. Thank you, Callobg. I know others mean well, but it makes me angry when they try to impose on my sadness. So I appreciate what you've said about others trying to dictate my schedule. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but, jeez.......I need time, time alone with my honey who is never coming back. How long has it been for you, Callobg? My life left me only 10 days ago. Friends really should understand that I need more time. Am still raw.
  23. Thank you, Paul, for your insight & professional information. I have been taking, not only MY meds, but also his, in an effort to ease the pain, and you are correct. Nothing works! Wine, Celexa, marijuana, oxybutinin, doxepin, & Hydrocodon. It is a combination that helps me sleep well, but the pain is there waiting for me as soon as I wake up. NOTHING eases the pain. It's kind of you to offer your help, Paul. Maybe the kindness of others will help more than all the wine & meds I've been trying. Am glad I found this group.
  24. MR, problem is, I still can't climb back into the bed we shared. So am trying to sleep on the sofa. Gotta have the TV on for background comfort. I'm reaching out for help, but if this brutal pain doesn't end. then I don't even want any help.
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