I am a 43 year old widow. I lost my wife this past October. We were married a week shy of 14 years and have two daughters (9 and 12). My wife battled metastatic breast cancer that has spread to her bones and liver for 16 months. She was on hospice for the last 5 months and I was fortunate to be able to stay home and be her caregiver. Cancer is weird because you think you get a jump start on the grieving process while you juggle hope with preparing for what seems like the invevitable. I don't have any regrets. We were able to say everything we needed to say to each other and make some positive memories even during the last months. We were able to take a family trip to Monterey exactly one month to the day my wife passed. It was hard and not perfect but were were able to have fun.
My wife taught at our girls school and was the glue the kept this house running smoothly. She handled all the important decisions, did the scheduling, and budgeting. Now its all on me. I try so hard to do half as good of a job as my wife did. In the last 4 months I have learned how to use overnight curlers, make hair buns, do make up, and shop for a pre-teen. I know I am doing a good job but that doesn't any easier.
I am having a really hard time balancing my grief and the girl's grief. We are on different roller coasters and when I am up they are down ore vise versa. Both of my girls get so angry with me. I know its normal to be angry, but it still hurts especially when I am feeling vulnerable and filled with my own self-doubts about my parenting abilities.
I try to get the girls to help out around the house, but it has been met with defiance, along with yelling, screaming, and door slamming. I know no kids likes to clean up around the house, but I also know its another example to them of how things are different without Mom. While my wife was on hospice, I did not make the girls help out. I was not up for the fight, but I also wanted them to spend as much quality time with their Mom as possible. Now I am paying the price.
I try very hard to have fun with them. And want to continue to show them that sadness and anger are part of this process but not the whole process. We can still have fun and both feelings are ok. But I know that our relationship has changed after going through such a terrible loss, but I can't just be their friend. I have to be their Dad too. That balancing act is so hard. I have the girls signed up for camp Kesem, they are seeing a social worker through hospice, and I am working on getting them into a peer support group. I know it will get better but it is so hard right now.
I have seen so many articles about how children grief and they have been helpful. But I don't see many about how to grieve yourself while supporting their grieving process. Any advice is welcome.
