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Bubu27

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Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    01/19/2016
  • Name of Spouse
    Ken
  • Cause of death
    Sepsis, Infective Endocarditis
  • Spouse's Age
    53


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  1. Bubu27

    widowed 3rd may 2019

    Yes, that's how I have felt too. Sadness doesn't preoccupy my mind every second of the day as it used to and it makes me fell like I didn't love Ken enough? My logical mind knows it's stupid but I can't help feeling this way
  2. Bubu27

    widowed 3rd may 2019

    Dear @simon8164. It's coming up to 4 years (19th Jan) since my husband is gone and even though my grief is different to what it was in the first couple of years, it is and always will be there and I too can't wait to the day I am reunited with him. Last Sun was my birthday and all I could think of was - 1 year less without Ken. Same with every 19th Jan - in the first years it was the hardest day, now - I almost celebrate it as a year less without Ken. Hang on there, time flies and you will see your Maria sooner then you think xx
  3. Bubu27

    Grief and Friends

    After my Ken passed away I sort of stopped giving a sh%*t about people. On one hand I have more patience for them but on the other, If they let me down a few times, I wave goodbye and move on. @KrypticKat, sorry to say but your friend doesn't sound like a friend. Point scoring is pathetic and if she doesn't understand how you feel/ have felt in your grief, she doesn't deserve your friendship. I'd rather be on my own then waste my limited energy on such toxic relationships.
  4. Bubu27

    What would you do??

    I can somehow relate to your story @Steph. Ken had 2 sons with his previous partner and whilst they were in touch (Ken was, they only contacted Ken if they needed money), they didn't show up when he was ill/ in hospital/ dying. It was only me there. As soon as he died though, 4 days after he died to be specific, they showed up at our flat (two sons and Ken's family and friends) and started pushing me to give them our car and motorbike. At that point, 4 days after Ken passed away, I was barely able to breath but somehow got all my strength, stood up and and told the lot to LEAVE, pointing at the door. Ken's big sister didn't come to his funeral 2 weeks later because I apparently offended her and now his family and friends hate me because I was disrespectful to them when asked them to leave. It bothered me in the first months but now I couldn't care less. As for his sons, I gave them our bike a month after Ken passed away and helped them get some money from Ken's workplace too but they clearly want nothing to do with me. So it be. From my experience and as PaulZ said, you owe them nothing. They could be in touch with their dad but chose not to. Death brings worst out of some people. They suddenly start digging and trying to benefit from one's death. Leave it. They will not appreciate whatever you do and will only do your head in
  5. Bubu27

    Just Trudging Forward

    @Steph It's coming up to four years since Ken is gone and it has got better in a sense of being able to function "normally". I go to work, vary rarely (once in a few months) meet up for a drink with my closest friends, plan holidays with my family and I am able to enjoy it. However, I still wear my engagement/ wedding rings and very much look forward to dying and re-uniting with my husband for eternity. And I too get many signs, not daily but when I either directly ask for it or Ken knows I need. I guess everyone is different, like Maureen said. Some will move on with their lives faster then others, some will never do. And no, time doesn't heal anything. You get used to leaving with pain.
  6. I understand anger issues @Sillyjerkycat. I was fuming in the first year in particular. Now, I rarely get upset. People don't have a clue but they will get it when it happens to them. Try ignoring it x
  7. I hear you @trying2breathe Being asked how you are / how your weekend was etc are always hard for me to answer. Even now, 3.5years on. I always pause and think - shall I say the truth or I simply respond, Im fine thanks, to shut the conversation. I usually do the latter.
  8. People don't know what to say and often say stupid shit. I prefer "I'm sorry for your loss" to "everything happens for a reason", "life goes on" or "you are young, you will find somebody. Your husband would like you to be happy". F*** off
  9. Aw @Sillyjerkycat, I hate when the date is coming up. Yours is pretty soon. Mine - 31st December (when Ken first felt unwell) and lasts till 2nd Feb (date of the funeral) and it sucks every single year. As for the will, think about it, get some legal advice and get it done. It gives you peace of mind, that's for sure
  10. My Ken died at 53 too, no will and we too don't have children together. A year after he passed away I had my will done. I live in the UK so it might be different over here but I had to nominate 2 executors (1st my sister and 2nd my best friend) who will deal with everything whilst I'm gone (and with Ken :)). As for any money in my bank account, my sister will withdraw it. I specifically requested for 50% of all money to be given to my nephew and the remaining 50% split between my sister, my nephew and any future kids my sister might have). I don't own our flat so it will go back to the Housing Association. Easy and one less problem to think about. As for other stuff (furniture etc) I don't really care and didn't specify any instructions. My sister lives in Spain so she will not take anything (unless she wants to) so it can either go to a charity/ be disposed of/ left in the flat. I really couldn't care less. All I care about and I am kind of obsessed with since Ken passed away is to keep as little stuff and as organised (in storage boxes etc) as possible so that my sister will have it easier when I am gone. As for grieving differently, Ken's passing on 19th Jan 2016 destroyed me. Completely. 3 months after Ken one of my grandma's passed away - I cried but couldn't really go deep into it as Ken had just passed and I was too numb to experience anything. One year later, on the first anniversary of Ken's passing (19th Jan 2017) I found out my second grandma, my mum's mum who I was super close to, too passed away a few days earlier (I travelled to Spain to be with my sister on the 1st anniversary and even though my grandma passed away on 16th, my mum didn't want to tell me when I was on my own). It hit me hard (1st, because I was told on the very day of Ken's 1st anniversary which made this awful day even harder, 2nd, because I was extremely close with her and all my life I dreaded her death) but still, it doesn't compare to loosing Ken. I too feel guilt about it - feels like I didn't care about my grandmas but loosing Ken was the ultimate nightmare. I think there is only as much shit as one can process - Ken's death drained me of anything and I simply haven't been able to grieve my both grandmas properly. Today I don't fear my own death at all and kind of look forward to it. But I fear the death of my parents/ sister/ nephew. Not obsessed with it but I don't even want to imagine what it will feel like if something happens to them.
  11. Same here. From the moment I met Ken I was fearing he would die. Ken is 19 yrs older so there was a possibility he would go first but I would never expect it too happen so soon at 53. About 3 months after our wedding and 3 months before Ken passed away, I was out with a friend and I told her "I am worried Ken will die". I don't know why I said that, there were no signs he wasn't well, we just came back from our honey moon, life was beautiful.. And then with our wedding - Ken was never good at time management/ organising things etc and it was always me planning and pushing him to do things. Yet when it came to our wedding, he organised it all on his own and it was like he was in a rush. Engagement and wedding all in a space of 2.5 months. My family couldn't come but he insisted we get married regardless. Had we waited, we wouldn't have gotten married, I wouldn't be financially secured, I couldn't have stayed in our flat, you name it. Had he not rushed with the wedding (even I was shocked by it), I would have been in a much darker place (financially and housing wise). He always looked after me so it is no surprise that he did it all to secure me a stable future Did he know? I don't know. I see it as a nudge from Heavens. Like this gut feeling that makes you do things without really knowing why
  12. Dear Alma, I am so sorry. My Ken passed away 7 months and 27 days after we got married. I don't know your story but I feel for you. It is going to be an awful journey, I am not going to lie. Take @Julester3 advice - one hour at a time
  13. Bubu27

    Speechless

    Looks like you "knew" before you actually got the news. I "knew" to. One day before Ken passed away I was outside ICU crying and was SOOOOOOOO devastated and I could feel what was coming. There was this woman and she was trying to console me saying her husband who was much older then Ken had been in the same position and recovered. But I knew Ken wouldn't. I just knew. A few days earlier Ken had already been in an induced coma and one of his sister told me her son had a dream that Ken's mum was standing by his hospital bed in ICU. I told her I hope she is not going to take Ken away. But she did.
  14. Bubu27

    Speechless

    I agree with all you all have said. Some people haven't experienced it so don't have a clue how to react, some haven't but have empathy and good manners so will say the right thing (or at least nothing overly stupid), some have experienced what we all have but are a few more years down the line and their perspective has shifted. And some are just plain evil and shouldn't open their mouths. Ever. That's all in a private domain. In a professional environment though, in any customer-facing job, I think it should be forbidden to say anything else then a simple I am so sorry and move on from the subject. That should be a default reaction. It has been 3yrs and 7months today by the way. I often think about that day, 11:56am on a fucking 19th Jan 2016, or the moment I was told, or when I left hospital to go home that day, or when they opened the coffin and I saw Ken one day before the funeral, or the morning of the funeral when I woke up etc and going back there I still cannot imagine what it must have been like, what was going through my head, how did I manage to cope. It is so weird and surreal. I know I was there and I know it all happened, but now I cannot imagine going through this. I get all shaky by trying to go back to those moments, it's like they are the worst possible scenario and wouldn't be able to take it (which I did because it had already happened). Does it make sense? and apologies for drifting off the subject
  15. Bubu27

    How to speak grief

    For me, dark humour is the one. I love seeing people's faces when I comfortably talk death/ dying etc. Not that this is my daily subject with people (it is for me though) but when I say things like - you die anyway they usually look at me like I was kidding LOL And the WAKEMARE bit - that was and still is awful. When you wake up and the first few secs you are still not fully conscious and happy and then IT hits you like a ton of bricks when you come round to reality.

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    01/19/2016
  • Name of Spouse
    Ken
  • Cause of death
    Sepsis, Infective Endocarditis
  • Spouse's Age
    53


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446 profile views
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