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Bubu27

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Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    01/19/2016
  • Name of Spouse
    Ken
  • Cause of death
    Sepsis, Infective Endocarditis
  • Spouse's Age
    53


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Recent Profile Visitors

239 profile views
  1. Bubu27

    How to handle triggers?

    Thank you @Widower40. I know that had Ken survived, he would have had his feet/ legs amputated, he could be brain damaged and his life would have been hell. That's what sepsis would do to him and that's what I try to think about when my grief gets unbearable. In this respect, I'm glad he doesn't have to suffer but it doesn't change the fact that my life without him is hell. Thank you for what you said though, it made me stop and think
  2. Bubu27

    How to handle triggers?

    @Widower40 I don't know what would be. All I know is that I would have preferred to go first.
  3. Bubu27

    How to handle triggers?

    I can only admire people, like you, who are strong enough to carry on. I too carry on as I have no choice but it doesn't change the fact that the more time passes, the less energy and will to carry on I have. I am really happy for you to be able to understand and accept your late husband is not coming back but I don't understand and certainly don't accept the fact that my Ken is gone. I know that's the reality but I will never be OK with it. And this is my right not to accept it. Whether it is setting myself up for failure or not, it doesn't matter. My life finished 3.5 years ago.
  4. Bubu27

    How to handle triggers?

    Unfortunately I disagree that it gets better. The nightmare simply changes forms. At least for me. I'm almost 3.5 years and from that perspective - 1 year was a complete and utter nightmare (I don't remember first months at all, couldn't eat/ breath, was numb most of it from heavy medications, cried all the time, wanted to die and was quite vocal about it); 2nd year a different nightmare (still on antidepressants, still cried but emotions suppressed by the medication so grief seemed less intense; wrote my will and put up our memorial with both Ken and my name on it); 3rd year - I can function pretty much normal (in terms of looking after yourself/ planning meals/ keeping our flat clean etc and not socialising as I do not at all) but it is the sheer sadness that runs through my veins. I haven't truly smiled since Ken died and nothing can change it. Have moments of "normality" (when I am with my nephew once every few months) but this overwhelming sadness never leaves me. It is in the 3rd year that I have probably started realizing Ken is gone for good. And even now, like yesterday, I opened the door and for whatever reason expected to see my husband there. This year anxiety attacks started and frankly, I feel much worse then Year 2. I cry less but anything random can trigger it and when I cry, it is like I was crying my heart out. It feels like the cry from Year 1. And I started thinking about dying more often again. I know that some people get better overtime but I didn't and don't think it will ever change. The grief simply evolved and I have been learning to "live" without physical presence of Ken but nevertheless I am still the same quadruple amputee (emotionally/ mentally and spiritually) an only having Ken back could fix it.
  5. Bubu27

    The Evolution of Grief

    Couldn't agree more. Great illustration if we ever need to explain what grief is to those who have never experienced it and say we can get over it and move on
  6. Bubu27

    Getting Rid of His/Her Clothes

    Ignore this "therapist" completely!!!! With his views he shouldn't be in this profession! I have kept everything as it was on the day he was taken to hospital and not planning to change anything! For the first few months I would sleep with/ wear Ken's tops and even though I don't do it anymore, I cannot imagine getting rid of anything. Do what is right for you and as soon as someone tells you what to do/ what not to do/ how to and not to grieve, simply turn around and leave. They have no right to impose their twisted ideas on you as this is the last thing you need. x
  7. Bubu27

    I'm suffocating

    I don't want to see a doctor as they will surely prescribe some antidepressants and I will not take them. I was on them for 2 yrs and put on 21kgs. Lost half of it now but still feeling like an elephant and HATE it. I have been thinking what might have caused this anxiety and it was a long weekend here so I had 3 days of being stuck in an empty flat. I didn't see anyone, all my entertainment was to go (as I always do ) to the cemetery but on top of that I just came back from a week's long vacation in Spain. It was with my parents and my sister, my brother in law and their son. Upon my return last Tue I was already starting to feel anxious. I often visit either my parents at home or my sister in Spain so I am used to it but this time we went all together to a new place. And I think that caused the anxiety. Subconsciously I was uncomfortable - I should be holidaying with Ken , my sister has a family - something I no longer have or will have. No jealousy there but all this triggered the state I am in right now. That is what I think. And the fact that was the long weekend with everyone enjoying their lives with their loved ones and me locked in an empty flat. Even today as I write this I am feeling more normal - I am at work so in a familiar environment. I hope my diagnosis is right and I will slowly recover but one thing I have learnt is that I am still extremely fragile. I have known this but now I have a proof. And that scare me a little bit because I know that if anything in my life changes suddenly, I will fall apart
  8. Bubu27

    I'm suffocating

    I'm 3yrs and almost 4months and that's exactly how I have been dealing with grief. Been isolating myself and not changing anything (had our flat repainted in December but it didn't feel like a drastic change). Other then this, Ken's clothes remain as they were, his toiletries and toothbrushes, shoes, everything. That keeps me sane and even though I have been struggling since Sat, I will not alter anything. I couldn't. On Sat it was his birthday and apart from my mum and one close friend nobody acknowledged it. Maybe that triggered this awful anxiety Thank you all for responding to me. I didn't want to worry my family but it's good to know that I have you around if I need x
  9. Bubu27

    I'm suffocating

    I haven't changed anything and I can't do it. I want everything just the was its always been. This awful anxiety comes from within, not sure what has suddenly caused it. And I hope it will go away
  10. Bubu27

    I'm suffocating

    It feels extreme. I was much better, felt safe at home, was looking forward to my evening's and weekends but from Sat I am scared to be on my own and too exhausted to go out. Every hour feels like eternity. And I have nothing to look forward to. Next trip to see my sister in Spain in 3weeks, great but this is not life if I only live to survive from one trip to another. Taking long baths has been the only comfort from the day that Ken died but now I get into the bath and start crying/ feeling super anxious. And then I think, let me get out and have a cigarette to calm down but then the panic comes that I can have a smoke and then still so many hours on my own before I can go to bed and sleep. And even then I will need to wake up in the morning and live this nightmare all over again. I was thinking about going to see my doctor but don't have energy to explain how I feel and I don't want to worry my family, they think I am better.
  11. Bubu27

    I'm suffocating

    And I always felt comfortable at home but now home feels like prison but when I got out I want to be back home and not see people living their happy lives. Vicious circle that I can't escape. Please help and tell me that is normal and that anxiety will go away
  12. Bubu27

    I'm suffocating

    On Sat it was Ken's birthday. I thought I would be better from Sun but I still feel like I was loosing my mind. I always spend my weekends and evenings alone at home but now ( it's the bank holiday weekend here in the UK) I feel like a prisoner in my own home/ life. I have meltdowns every 5mins but not just normal meltdowns, they feel more like panick attacks. Im short of breath, have racing thoughts and nothing brings comfort. I can't concentrate on music/ tv, when I think of my nephew ( that usually brings me comfort) I burst into tears that I will never be a mother, when I think of my parents I burst into tears that one they they will be gone and I will be even more alone that I am now. I'm also phisically exhausted - I have slept for most of today and Saturday which is actually a blessing - when I sleep I am not living this. I'm actually concerned, I haven't felt that anxious/ down for a couple of years and now it feels like I have fallen into the deepest black hole. I'm scared and so fucking sad
  13. FUCK all my colleagues happily sharing with me details of their happy lives. I am sick and tired of listening to your joyful plans with your husbands for the long weekend, don't want to know how you decorate your houses, how great your husbands are and how fast your kids are gowing! I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  14. If there is no widow/ -er option, I either add it manually or request to have the form amended so that I can choose the right answer. I am not single. Full stop. To be honest, I still consider myself married (it is just that Ken and I are not in the same dimension) but I do not tick "married" as that would be too hard to comprehend for "normal" people.
  15. Bubu27

    Broken

    Thank you @twin_mom. I am sorry they hadn't listened to you. This must be terrible to know that your husband possibly could have been saved but I agree, we are left with what ifs/ could have/ should have/ would have.. I don't think about this guilt every hour of every day as I would go crazy but deep inside I do regret not going to hospital with him on 3rd Jan. Maybe that would have save d Ken. And maybe nor.Had I gone though, I could at least look at myself in the mirror knowing that I have done all I could. And I cannot do this.

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    01/19/2016
  • Name of Spouse
    Ken
  • Cause of death
    Sepsis, Infective Endocarditis
  • Spouse's Age
    53


Recent Profile Visitors

239 profile views
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