Bubu27

I don't smell or "sense" Ken but I have had so many clear signs in the past three years that I have no doubt he is with me. Thee times in the first months I felt him at night - I remember waking up around probably 5 am on 19th March (two months after he passed away) and as soon as I woke up and opened my eyes I could feel the bed move as if somebody who was sitting at the edge of the bed suddenly got up. I was fully awake and I know this was not a dream. It happened three times. My favourite plant (Christmas cactus) blossoming randomly on the day of his funeral (2nd Feb 2016) and our first wedding anniversary (22nd May 2016). And most recent one with a bit of background - we used to travel a lot and in 2014 went to Tunisia and both loved it. One of the photos I took over there is of this Tunisian symbol. And so this year, on the day of the 3rd anniversary of Ken's funeral (2nd Feb 2019), I walked home from the cemetery and suddenly spotted something on the pavement in front of me. Looked closer and so the very same Tunisian symbol with the ring that looks exactly as our wedding rings. Call me crazy but what were the chances of finding Tunisian symbol in central London (5 mins walk from our flat) on such an awful day?

Hi Melissa, first days/ weeks and months will be a blur. Take things one hour at a time. Don't rush anything and do what you have to do - if you need to cry in the middle of the street, do cry. Don't try to be strong and don't hold back the pain. Breathe and sleep. I found visiting cemetery calming but this might be different for you. Do you have close family/ friends who could help you out? Basic things like washing up, cleaning, cooking, shopping? Don't be shy to ask for help I know the pain is so unbearable now that if physically hurts and that the whole situation seems surreal but you will survive. I am with you x

It's been over 3 yrs for me but I don't need/ want anyone else in my life but my husband. And this will never change. On the day of the funeral when I was holding his cold hands, I promised Ken I would never betray him and wait for him until my time comes. One might say I was on heavy medication (which I was) and didn't think straight (which might be true too) but I have never ever been more sure of anything in my life. I love my husband. He is still my husband but temporarily I cannot see/ feel him physically. If souls are immortal (only our earthly bodies perish temporarily) then my Ken is alive in another dimension. And if he is alive, he is still my Ken. And if he is still my dearest husband, how could I even think about getting with somebody else? I know many people do and I respect their choices but for me there is no doubt in my mind and heart that Ken is waiting for me as much as I am for him.

Hi Maureen, I admire people who are able to search for happiness after such losses. I am neither able nor want to do that. I started new job a month before Ken passed away and still have been in it and planning to retire here (20 yrs to go but time is flying since Ken is gone). This is the job he knew about and I don't want to do anything that he did not know of. Only last December I got our flat re-painted but this is something I had discussed with Ken before so it was something Ken knew and would not be surprised about. Only last year I was also able to give away some old clothes and other bits and pieces but yet again - I had been asking Ken to do it when he was alive so again, I did what we had already discussed. Saying that, all his shoes and clothes/ socks/ shower gels/ toothbrushes etc remain as they were on the day when he was taken by Ambulance to hospital and they will remain untouched until the day I die. I generally don't do or change anything unless Ken knew about it. I mentally could not do it. That is probably why I don't like meeting new people and only surround myself with old friends who know Ken. I couldn't meet/ make friends with somebody who doesn't know Ken - I don't want people to know me without Ken because this is not me. At the same time I don't have energy to explain who Ken is and what happened every single time. It has been three years and I have gone the longest way. I look after our flat now, started to cook a year ago, joke with colleagues at work, plan holidays for my parents, sister and my nephew who I love more then life (he is my godson, the only son I will ever have) but I still cannot say this is life. It is walking and breathing with some breaks from misery and a few distractions, but I have not been able to take a deep breath and smile since 19th Jan 2016. I have moments of something that reminds happiness but this is not even a dim reflection of the real thing. I once had a dream Ken was back and I still remember that feeling of happiness and fullness that emanated my whole being. This one dream was closest to happiness I will ever get

I hear you Steph. Now, after 3 years I must have grown a thicker skin and can ignore/ laugh off any stupid remarks but in the first months I would react aggressively to anyone asking how I was doing (how the f*** do you think I am doing!) or telling me that they get it. NO, YOU DON'T GET IT! Unless you lost your husband suddenly and unexpectedly and woke up one day to become a widow (still cringe when saying this word) at the age of 35 with the perspective of a long life without Ken and our children. If not, you certainly do not get it.

At least you have your kids Eileen (not that it is any easier to loose your husband if you are lucky to have children). Ken and I for married 22nd May 2015 and he passed away 7 months and 27 days later. We already planned a church ceremony in April 2016 and were to start trying for a baby. None of this happened and ever will. As for moving on as in dating - not in a million years. Ken has been and always will be my husband. It breaks my heart to know that I will never get to be a mum. But not a mum to a child but a mum to our child. It is Ken that I want to be with, Ken that I want to be a father to our children. For the first three months I did not eat (my mum was force-feeding me sugar water) nor speak. Instead, I chain smoked. I was on a heavy dose of diazepam for 6 months and then on antidepressants for 2 years. Now I am not on anything (still smoke though - might eventually give me cancer?:) ) but I cannot say I have moved on. I have learnt to live with this black gasping hole in my heart but I refuse to move on (whatever it means). So maybe, in perceptive, it is best for everyone involved that we don't have children - imagine having a mum who wishes she was dead.

Yesterday I passed 3 yrs and 2 months mark. Does it get easier? No, you just learn to live with it. Does time heal the wounds? Hell no! Have I moved on? No clue how one could move on from such loss so no, I have not and not planning to. It has been over three years yet seems like yesterday. I work full time and can function now but spend evenings at home, weekends on my own, became and expert on near-death experiences/ afterlife and anything death-related and I am happy that way (Happy is not the word. Last time I felt hat happiness was when I had Ken). I visit Ken's grave both every Sat and Sun and every 19th of the month - it is my favourite place in London, apart from our flat when I feel safe. I have a circle of close friends but don't feel the need to be with them. I am lucky they understand. If I could die today, I would. I would welcome it with open arms because I know my husband is waiting for me on the other side and I can't wait to see him.

Haven't taken my rings off since THAT day and never will. I kept Ken's ring while he was in ICU and having his surgeries but put the ring back on his finger when they let me see him two hours after IT HAPPENED. His death hasn't changed a thing - I am still married to him and always will be - the only difference is that I cannot see him physically until we are re-united forever.

Hi Gem, same here. It was 3 yrs 2 months yesterday and even though I am able to function "normally" now, I still wish I could simply die. I actually feel guilty of not dying when my Ken did. As I hadn't died of broken heart when he did, does it mean I didn't love him enough? When I read of people who get cancer, sepsis or die in accidents, I feel jealous and secretly hope same will happen to me one day. I know it has been over 3 years but time heals/ changes nothing. The pain doesn't lessen, you simply get used to living with it. From the outside I might seem to be coping and in a way I do, but inside I am dead and empty.