Jump to content

Everything posted by Bubu27

  1. Bubu27

    facing my inner demon....

    @RyanAmysMom Yes I do understand it. I should have gone with Ken to A&E 3 days after his first sepsis symptoms occurred. Even though I didn't know it was sepsis I felt something wasn't right. And even though I was reminding Ken to mention his symptoms (shivering, vomiting etc) to them, I chose to stay home to finish of the essay for my University. Had I gone with him that day, sepsis might have been detected earlier and Ken could still be here today. Or might have not but I will never know and have to leave with the guilt till I die.
  2. Thank you @laurie27. One of my good friends was surprised that I was still crying at 6 weeks... Can you imagine? Like loosing your husband was something you can forget and move on. I am 3.5 yrs in (feels like yesterday and eternity ago at the same time) and from my experience, there is no getting over it. You learn to live with the pain. As for the funeral itself, I didn't have energy to do anything and it certainly wasn't the time and place. In the first months, up to a year I would say, I needed Ken's family that had been close to us when Ken was alive, to call and ask how I was. Apart from two of his sisters (none of whom I had known before), not a single person ever reached out to me. Nobody. His friends (I thought they were my friends too) disappeared too. It doesn't make it easier but it is good to know that I am not the only one who had to experience not only the biggest lost ever but also such despicable treatment from "the family".
  3. @InOverMyHead couldn't summarise it better! People don't understand that not having children is not a blessing in such scenario and that we not only grieve our husbands but also the children we will never have. As for being ignored by his family, 100%. Ken had sons with his previous partner (they separated some 20 years ago) and even though we got married, his family and friends showed their true colours after Ken passed away. Mother of his children has been stirring shit telling everyone that I don't have right to anything as she had Ken's kids (bad luck my darling, legally I am Ken's wife), his sons now hate me and even during the funeral, in the procession from the chapel to his resting place, they all left me behind and jumped in front of me to follow the coffin. Like I was a stranger, random spectator, not Ken's wife. Back then I barely breathed so couldn't react, now I don't care anymore. But it is not cool to be treated like dirt at your own husband's funeral.
  4. Bubu27

    How to handle triggers?

    Thank you @Widower40. I know that had Ken survived, he would have had his feet/ legs amputated, he could be brain damaged and his life would have been hell. That's what sepsis would do to him and that's what I try to think about when my grief gets unbearable. In this respect, I'm glad he doesn't have to suffer but it doesn't change the fact that my life without him is hell. Thank you for what you said though, it made me stop and think
  5. Bubu27

    How to handle triggers?

    @Widower40 I don't know what would be. All I know is that I would have preferred to go first.
  6. Bubu27

    How to handle triggers?

    I can only admire people, like you, who are strong enough to carry on. I too carry on as I have no choice but it doesn't change the fact that the more time passes, the less energy and will to carry on I have. I am really happy for you to be able to understand and accept your late husband is not coming back but I don't understand and certainly don't accept the fact that my Ken is gone. I know that's the reality but I will never be OK with it. And this is my right not to accept it. Whether it is setting myself up for failure or not, it doesn't matter. My life finished 3.5 years ago.
  7. Bubu27

    How to handle triggers?

    Unfortunately I disagree that it gets better. The nightmare simply changes forms. At least for me. I'm almost 3.5 years and from that perspective - 1 year was a complete and utter nightmare (I don't remember first months at all, couldn't eat/ breath, was numb most of it from heavy medications, cried all the time, wanted to die and was quite vocal about it); 2nd year a different nightmare (still on antidepressants, still cried but emotions suppressed by the medication so grief seemed less intense; wrote my will and put up our memorial with both Ken and my name on it); 3rd year - I can function pretty much normal (in terms of looking after yourself/ planning meals/ keeping our flat clean etc and not socialising as I do not at all) but it is the sheer sadness that runs through my veins. I haven't truly smiled since Ken died and nothing can change it. Have moments of "normality" (when I am with my nephew once every few months) but this overwhelming sadness never leaves me. It is in the 3rd year that I have probably started realizing Ken is gone for good. And even now, like yesterday, I opened the door and for whatever reason expected to see my husband there. This year anxiety attacks started and frankly, I feel much worse then Year 2. I cry less but anything random can trigger it and when I cry, it is like I was crying my heart out. It feels like the cry from Year 1. And I started thinking about dying more often again. I know that some people get better overtime but I didn't and don't think it will ever change. The grief simply evolved and I have been learning to "live" without physical presence of Ken but nevertheless I am still the same quadruple amputee (emotionally/ mentally and spiritually) an only having Ken back could fix it.
  8. Bubu27

    The Evolution of Grief

    Couldn't agree more. Great illustration if we ever need to explain what grief is to those who have never experienced it and say we can get over it and move on
  9. Bubu27

    Getting Rid of His/Her Clothes

    Ignore this "therapist" completely!!!! With his views he shouldn't be in this profession! I have kept everything as it was on the day he was taken to hospital and not planning to change anything! For the first few months I would sleep with/ wear Ken's tops and even though I don't do it anymore, I cannot imagine getting rid of anything. Do what is right for you and as soon as someone tells you what to do/ what not to do/ how to and not to grieve, simply turn around and leave. They have no right to impose their twisted ideas on you as this is the last thing you need. x
  10. Bubu27

    Life after life

    Do you believe in any sort of Afterlife? Bodily Resurrection? Eternity with your spouse? Or do you believe that death is the end?
  11. Yesterday I passed 3 yrs and 2 months mark. Does it get easier? No, you just learn to live with it. Does time heal the wounds? Hell no! Have I moved on? No clue how one could move on from such loss so no, I have not and not planning to. It has been over three years yet seems like yesterday. I work full time and can function now but spend evenings at home, weekends on my own, became and expert on near-death experiences/ afterlife and anything death-related and I am happy that way (Happy is not the word. Last time I felt hat happiness was when I had Ken). I visit Ken's grave both every Sat and Sun and every 19th of the month - it is my favourite place in London, apart from our flat when I feel safe. I have a circle of close friends but don't feel the need to be with them. I am lucky they understand. If I could die today, I would. I would welcome it with open arms because I know my husband is waiting for me on the other side and I can't wait to see him.
  12. Bubu27

    I'm suffocating

    On Sat it was Ken's birthday. I thought I would be better from Sun but I still feel like I was loosing my mind. I always spend my weekends and evenings alone at home but now ( it's the bank holiday weekend here in the UK) I feel like a prisoner in my own home/ life. I have meltdowns every 5mins but not just normal meltdowns, they feel more like panick attacks. Im short of breath, have racing thoughts and nothing brings comfort. I can't concentrate on music/ tv, when I think of my nephew ( that usually brings me comfort) I burst into tears that I will never be a mother, when I think of my parents I burst into tears that one they they will be gone and I will be even more alone that I am now. I'm also phisically exhausted - I have slept for most of today and Saturday which is actually a blessing - when I sleep I am not living this. I'm actually concerned, I haven't felt that anxious/ down for a couple of years and now it feels like I have fallen into the deepest black hole. I'm scared and so fucking sad
  13. Bubu27

    I'm suffocating

    I don't want to see a doctor as they will surely prescribe some antidepressants and I will not take them. I was on them for 2 yrs and put on 21kgs. Lost half of it now but still feeling like an elephant and HATE it. I have been thinking what might have caused this anxiety and it was a long weekend here so I had 3 days of being stuck in an empty flat. I didn't see anyone, all my entertainment was to go (as I always do ) to the cemetery but on top of that I just came back from a week's long vacation in Spain. It was with my parents and my sister, my brother in law and their son. Upon my return last Tue I was already starting to feel anxious. I often visit either my parents at home or my sister in Spain so I am used to it but this time we went all together to a new place. And I think that caused the anxiety. Subconsciously I was uncomfortable - I should be holidaying with Ken , my sister has a family - something I no longer have or will have. No jealousy there but all this triggered the state I am in right now. That is what I think. And the fact that was the long weekend with everyone enjoying their lives with their loved ones and me locked in an empty flat. Even today as I write this I am feeling more normal - I am at work so in a familiar environment. I hope my diagnosis is right and I will slowly recover but one thing I have learnt is that I am still extremely fragile. I have known this but now I have a proof. And that scare me a little bit because I know that if anything in my life changes suddenly, I will fall apart
  14. Bubu27

    I'm suffocating

    I'm 3yrs and almost 4months and that's exactly how I have been dealing with grief. Been isolating myself and not changing anything (had our flat repainted in December but it didn't feel like a drastic change). Other then this, Ken's clothes remain as they were, his toiletries and toothbrushes, shoes, everything. That keeps me sane and even though I have been struggling since Sat, I will not alter anything. I couldn't. On Sat it was his birthday and apart from my mum and one close friend nobody acknowledged it. Maybe that triggered this awful anxiety Thank you all for responding to me. I didn't want to worry my family but it's good to know that I have you around if I need x
  15. Bubu27

    I'm suffocating

    I haven't changed anything and I can't do it. I want everything just the was its always been. This awful anxiety comes from within, not sure what has suddenly caused it. And I hope it will go away
  16. Bubu27

    I'm suffocating

    It feels extreme. I was much better, felt safe at home, was looking forward to my evening's and weekends but from Sat I am scared to be on my own and too exhausted to go out. Every hour feels like eternity. And I have nothing to look forward to. Next trip to see my sister in Spain in 3weeks, great but this is not life if I only live to survive from one trip to another. Taking long baths has been the only comfort from the day that Ken died but now I get into the bath and start crying/ feeling super anxious. And then I think, let me get out and have a cigarette to calm down but then the panic comes that I can have a smoke and then still so many hours on my own before I can go to bed and sleep. And even then I will need to wake up in the morning and live this nightmare all over again. I was thinking about going to see my doctor but don't have energy to explain how I feel and I don't want to worry my family, they think I am better.
  17. Bubu27

    I'm suffocating

    And I always felt comfortable at home but now home feels like prison but when I got out I want to be back home and not see people living their happy lives. Vicious circle that I can't escape. Please help and tell me that is normal and that anxiety will go away
  18. FUCK all my colleagues happily sharing with me details of their happy lives. I am sick and tired of listening to your joyful plans with your husbands for the long weekend, don't want to know how you decorate your houses, how great your husbands are and how fast your kids are gowing! I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  19. If there is no widow/ -er option, I either add it manually or request to have the form amended so that I can choose the right answer. I am not single. Full stop. To be honest, I still consider myself married (it is just that Ken and I are not in the same dimension) but I do not tick "married" as that would be too hard to comprehend for "normal" people.
  20. Bubu27

    Broken

    Thank you @twin_mom. I am sorry they hadn't listened to you. This must be terrible to know that your husband possibly could have been saved but I agree, we are left with what ifs/ could have/ should have/ would have.. I don't think about this guilt every hour of every day as I would go crazy but deep inside I do regret not going to hospital with him on 3rd Jan. Maybe that would have save d Ken. And maybe nor.Had I gone though, I could at least look at myself in the mirror knowing that I have done all I could. And I cannot do this.
  21. I believe you @Melissa brown. On 19th May 2016, exactly 4 months after he passed away both Maureen (Ken's sister who has been helping me since he passed) and I received an email from Ken with the subject line: Hello. The main body of the email was empty This could surely be explained by some IT savvy geeks but given the date, both Maureen and I and the circumstances, I know this was a sign from Ken
  22. Bubu27

    Broken

    Beanless, thank you. But I do feel guilty. With sepsis, as you know, every hour counts. And we waited 6 long days. On 3rd Jan Ken was helped by one of his sons to A&E as he couldn't walk (the pain that had developed in his left foot on 1st Jan). I didn't go with them - had a deadline for an essay and stayed home to finish it off. I will never ever forgive myself for choosing a bloody essay over Ken. I told him million times before they went and was texting him when he was in hospital - please ask them about the fever, chills and vomiting. Please tell them. He didn't. He was all focused on his left foot. Had I been there with him as I should, I would have asked them and even though I didn't have a clue back then what sepsis was, they could have picked it up. So I do feel guilty, guilty as hell. Had I gone with Ken to hospital, sepsis could have been spotted on 3rd Jan, not 4days later.
  23. I have had so many experiences it would take a long essay to explain and tell. 3 times in the first year I was awake and could physically feel Ken in bed, felt him touch my arm through the duvet and sit at the edge of the bed (like he used to). Once in the first months when I was still numb from diazepam and acute grief I heard him shout my name when I was walking to the cemetery (loud and clear, I even stopped and turned around). I have had signs in terms of our numbers popping up randomly, my favourite flower blossoming randomly on important dates (day of his funeral, our 1 st wedding anniversary). And then his sister Maureen's dreams - she never remembers her dreams but she can vividly remember a couple of them. Their cousin died a few months before Ken and one night Maureen saw her in her dream. She said to Maureen: - I didn't know your brother has dreadlocks? - Which one (they have a big family)? - Maureen asked. - Ken! - Is he with you? - Yes he is. - How is he doing? - He is not well - his wife is suffering. - She is suffering. She lost him and is on her own. - She is never on her own - the cousin said Then in the next dream, Maureen saw her cousin again and Ken was sitting/ standing behind her. He didn't talk but looked well. And then the other day Maureen called me and asked if I play an instrument. I said - I play violin, how do you know? And then she told me that she had a dream and Ken asked her why I don't play anymore. Maureen said she didn't know I played an instrument. Ken said - you are with her, you should know.. I hadn't really known Maureen when Ken was alive and it was only after he passed that she would come into my life, helped me with all the paperwork, organising funeral - I was so out of it I couldn't brush my teeth. And so Maureen is the only one from Ken's family that I am in touch with. We are extremely close and she is the one that has always been on my side. 5 days after Ken passed away 2 of his sons, his best friends (I thought they were my friends too but I was wrong) and his favourite big sister Janet came over to our flat. I thought they wanted to discuss the funeral. I was on diazepam and couldn't breath and then they started telling me they want our car and motorbike. I said - Can we talk about this another day? And they would not stop and Janet, his sister, started raising her voice telling me I was selfish, and I was telling her - please, my husband just died, can we talk another day and she wouldn't stop so I somehow (must have been Ken's help) stood up and sad - LEAVE!!!!!!!! (Pointing at the door). Within seconds they all left, Janet didn't arrive at the funeral and I haven't spoken to any of them since. They all ignored me at the funeral and now I only hear from Maureen that the whole family hates me because " I disrespected his big sister". Apologies as it is slightly off the subject but I just had to get it off my chest
  24. Lmsmdm, can you tell more? Give some examples? I have had many experiences myself but verifying this in other people's experiences is always helpful
  25. Bubu27

    Broken

    Hi Cyndi, I can relate to you as your husband's story sounds too familiar. Ken had sepsis (blood poisoning that settled in his heart causing endocarditis) and that took him away from me. Ken was unwell since New Year's Eve 2015. Fever on and off, chills, we thought it was a common cold. Three days later he developed pain in his left foot and struggled to walk. On 6th Jan I came home to find him confused in bed - he didn't get out of bed all day, didn't eat, was feverish. His whole body ached and he couldn't move a finger. I called an ambulance. I somehow managed to put a T-shirt on Ken, then paramedics took over. The put him in a wheelchair and we went to hospital. I stayed with Ken till 5 am in A&E but it took them almost 2 days to discover he had sepsis. Ken was out of it for most of the time, he would fall asleep half way trough the sentence. On 8th Jan in the evening they said they were worried about Ken and moved us to another hospital for an emergency back surgery (Cauda Equina). They said spinal fluid was pressing the nerves and had we come an hour later, Ken would have been paralysed from waist down. After the surgery he was still not himself, hallucinating and then on 12th Jan they told me they hear murmurs in his heart and we need to have a heart surgery. I vividly remember asking the consultant if my husband dies and he said - no, he is young and his heart is healthy. They moved us to the third hospital. The open heart surgery ( all valves' replacement) happened on 14th Jan as they waited for the best specialist in the country to arrive and perform. They said it would last around three hours if everything went smoothly. It lasted 7 hours. They didn't let me see Ken after the surgery. They put him in an induced coma. That was Friday. On Monday I was told and showed gangrene started eating away his feet and they would need to be amputated. They told me he might have had a stroke already and be brain damaged (they couldn't confirm as Ken was in a coma). On Tuesday 19th they started waking Ken up. When I arrived in ICU 11:10 they didn't let me in. I could see commotion. They asked me to wait outside. i saw them take Ken to the theatre. I knew that was it. Then his doctor came out after some 15mins. And he said IT. I was 35, my had married 7 months and 27 days earlier. My heart broke into million pieces and my life ended that day.
×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.