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Everything posted by Bubu27

  1. Bubu27

    Broken

    Beanless, thank you. But I do feel guilty. With sepsis, as you know, every hour counts. And we waited 6 long days. On 3rd Jan Ken was helped by one of his sons to A&E as he couldn't walk (the pain that had developed in his left foot on 1st Jan). I didn't go with them - had a deadline for an essay and stayed home to finish it off. I will never ever forgive myself for choosing a bloody essay over Ken. I told him million times before they went and was texting him when he was in hospital - please ask them about the fever, chills and vomiting. Please tell them. He didn't. He was all focused on his left foot. Had I been there with him as I should, I would have asked them and even though I didn't have a clue back then what sepsis was, they could have picked it up. So I do feel guilty, guilty as hell. Had I gone with Ken to hospital, sepsis could have been spotted on 3rd Jan, not 4days later.
  2. I have had so many experiences it would take a long essay to explain and tell. 3 times in the first year I was awake and could physically feel Ken in bed, felt him touch my arm through the duvet and sit at the edge of the bed (like he used to). Once in the first months when I was still numb from diazepam and acute grief I heard him shout my name when I was walking to the cemetery (loud and clear, I even stopped and turned around). I have had signs in terms of our numbers popping up randomly, my favourite flower blossoming randomly on important dates (day of his funeral, our 1 st wedding anniversary). And then his sister Maureen's dreams - she never remembers her dreams but she can vividly remember a couple of them. Their cousin died a few months before Ken and one night Maureen saw her in her dream. She said to Maureen: - I didn't know your brother has dreadlocks? - Which one (they have a big family)? - Maureen asked. - Ken! - Is he with you? - Yes he is. - How is he doing? - He is not well - his wife is suffering. - She is suffering. She lost him and is on her own. - She is never on her own - the cousin said Then in the next dream, Maureen saw her cousin again and Ken was sitting/ standing behind her. He didn't talk but looked well. And then the other day Maureen called me and asked if I play an instrument. I said - I play violin, how do you know? And then she told me that she had a dream and Ken asked her why I don't play anymore. Maureen said she didn't know I played an instrument. Ken said - you are with her, you should know.. I hadn't really known Maureen when Ken was alive and it was only after he passed that she would come into my life, helped me with all the paperwork, organising funeral - I was so out of it I couldn't brush my teeth. And so Maureen is the only one from Ken's family that I am in touch with. We are extremely close and she is the one that has always been on my side. 5 days after Ken passed away 2 of his sons, his best friends (I thought they were my friends too but I was wrong) and his favourite big sister Janet came over to our flat. I thought they wanted to discuss the funeral. I was on diazepam and couldn't breath and then they started telling me they want our car and motorbike. I said - Can we talk about this another day? And they would not stop and Janet, his sister, started raising her voice telling me I was selfish, and I was telling her - please, my husband just died, can we talk another day and she wouldn't stop so I somehow (must have been Ken's help) stood up and sad - LEAVE!!!!!!!! (Pointing at the door). Within seconds they all left, Janet didn't arrive at the funeral and I haven't spoken to any of them since. They all ignored me at the funeral and now I only hear from Maureen that the whole family hates me because " I disrespected his big sister". Apologies as it is slightly off the subject but I just had to get it off my chest
  3. Lmsmdm, can you tell more? Give some examples? I have had many experiences myself but verifying this in other people's experiences is always helpful
  4. Bubu27

    Broken

    Hi Cyndi, I can relate to you as your husband's story sounds too familiar. Ken had sepsis (blood poisoning that settled in his heart causing endocarditis) and that took him away from me. Ken was unwell since New Year's Eve 2015. Fever on and off, chills, we thought it was a common cold. Three days later he developed pain in his left foot and struggled to walk. On 6th Jan I came home to find him confused in bed - he didn't get out of bed all day, didn't eat, was feverish. His whole body ached and he couldn't move a finger. I called an ambulance. I somehow managed to put a T-shirt on Ken, then paramedics took over. The put him in a wheelchair and we went to hospital. I stayed with Ken till 5 am in A&E but it took them almost 2 days to discover he had sepsis. Ken was out of it for most of the time, he would fall asleep half way trough the sentence. On 8th Jan in the evening they said they were worried about Ken and moved us to another hospital for an emergency back surgery (Cauda Equina). They said spinal fluid was pressing the nerves and had we come an hour later, Ken would have been paralysed from waist down. After the surgery he was still not himself, hallucinating and then on 12th Jan they told me they hear murmurs in his heart and we need to have a heart surgery. I vividly remember asking the consultant if my husband dies and he said - no, he is young and his heart is healthy. They moved us to the third hospital. The open heart surgery ( all valves' replacement) happened on 14th Jan as they waited for the best specialist in the country to arrive and perform. They said it would last around three hours if everything went smoothly. It lasted 7 hours. They didn't let me see Ken after the surgery. They put him in an induced coma. That was Friday. On Monday I was told and showed gangrene started eating away his feet and they would need to be amputated. They told me he might have had a stroke already and be brain damaged (they couldn't confirm as Ken was in a coma). On Tuesday 19th they started waking Ken up. When I arrived in ICU 11:10 they didn't let me in. I could see commotion. They asked me to wait outside. i saw them take Ken to the theatre. I knew that was it. Then his doctor came out after some 15mins. And he said IT. I was 35, my had married 7 months and 27 days earlier. My heart broke into million pieces and my life ended that day.
  5. Bubu27

    Life after life

    Do you believe in any sort of Afterlife? Bodily Resurrection? Eternity with your spouse? Or do you believe that death is the end?
  6. 3 yrs and 3 months in and no intentions ever to be with anyone else. I am still married to Ken and that will not change
  7. Bubu27

    Life after life

    I understand Love2fish. We all need to do what our hearts tell us. I was born and raised Catholic but when Ken died I was MAD at God. Mad is actually an understatement. After a few months though I started digging deeper and deeper and now my faith is stronger not in a sense of praying more often ( I actually struggle to pray as God doesn't listen. I know from experience) but in a belief that Resurrection/ Afterlife/ New Heavens and New Earth are all true. If I didn't believe that Ken is waiting for me and that this nightmare is temporal, I would end my life today.
  8. Bubu27

    Life after life

    Have you had any signs from your wife after she passed away Love2fish?
  9. Bubu27

    Life after life

    You see Portside, for me, to love all the same is not heaven. I don't want to love Ken the same as somebody I have never met. Loving all equally would mean turning into robots, all-loving clones and this doesn't sound heavenly. I believe we retain our personality and so every single relationship is and will be unique.
  10. Bubu27

    Life after life

    What type of experiences did you have Bunny? And are you OK if it was AGAPE love? I look forward having close, romantic reunion with Ken, not dissolving into the space..
  11. Bubu27

    A strong woman

    Talking helps but it is all about timing. For me, for the first few months I couldn't say Ken's name without shaking and screaming hysterically. Then, gradually, during my counselling sessions i would talk more and more about him, what he is like, what he likes and doesn't, and that felt good. Now, after 3 years, I talk about Uncle Ken to my little nephew or friends without tears (usually) but it is not because it hurts less. I simply got used to the pain and can live with it now. Plus I know that he is waiting for me and we have eternity together Melissa, you email me first and tell me about Damon. You need it more now. And I am all ears x
  12. Bubu27

    A strong woman

    I feel not chosen by God and I don't care about being stronger. I would rather have Ken I actually feel abandoned by God. Or punished for whatever reason
  13. Bubu27

    Hard day today

    Hi Melissa, In the top right corner right next to your profile photo there is a little bell for notifications and an envelope for messaging. I am sending you a message right now
  14. Bubu27

    Hard day today

    I was mostly asleep for most of the first couple of months due high doses of diazepam 3 times a day. When I happened to be awake, I cried hysterically, struggled to breathe, had my eyes closed as I didn't want to see the world and was forcefed sugar water by my mum (couldn't eat anything). I guess it is different if you have a child and a reason to stay alive. I didn't. The only advice is to take baby steps and one hour at a time x
  15. Bubu27

    ANGER TOWARDS EVERYONE & EVERYTHING

    And I no longer say that everything happens for a reason. This is the biggest bs in the world. There is no reason why Ken had to die.
  16. Bubu27

    ANGER TOWARDS EVERYONE & EVERYTHING

    Dear Bash1437, I hear you loud and clear. I was 35 when my Ken died suddenly. We had gotten married 7 month 27 days before he passed away. We had had a church ceremony to have our marriage blessed planned for April 2016 (IT happened 19th Jan 2016), we were to start trying for a baby. None of it happened and ever will. I am 3 yrs and 3 months into this (can't call it life, more of an existence) and even though I am not madly furious at God/ life and everything and everyone in general) I am still angry. I mean, I am still equally furious and will never accept that Ken was taken away and both our lives trashed but I simply no longer have energy to live through this every single hour of the day like I had in the first couple of years. I still avoid any social encounters though and cut any conversations about personal life short right away. I left Facebook as I do not want to see how happy other people are. I spend my evenings/ weekends alone. I visit Ken at the cemetery every Sat and Sun and every 19th of each month. And I still envy people who get cancer/ other terminal illness/ accident and are lucky enough to die before their time. I truly hope this will happen to me one day but with my luck I will probably get to live to 100 yrs old.
  17. Yesterday I passed 3 yrs and 2 months mark. Does it get easier? No, you just learn to live with it. Does time heal the wounds? Hell no! Have I moved on? No clue how one could move on from such loss so no, I have not and not planning to. It has been over three years yet seems like yesterday. I work full time and can function now but spend evenings at home, weekends on my own, became and expert on near-death experiences/ afterlife and anything death-related and I am happy that way (Happy is not the word. Last time I felt hat happiness was when I had Ken). I visit Ken's grave both every Sat and Sun and every 19th of the month - it is my favourite place in London, apart from our flat when I feel safe. I have a circle of close friends but don't feel the need to be with them. I am lucky they understand. If I could die today, I would. I would welcome it with open arms because I know my husband is waiting for me on the other side and I can't wait to see him.
  18. Bubu27

    Wish I could die today

    Apologies for the tone and negativity but this is how I see this world now. Nothing will bring my Ken back and I don't care about this life without him. Life is a bitch and then you die as they say. And I could't agree more
  19. Bubu27

    Wish I could die today

    BrokenHeart2, I am finding new ways too but they are not my ways. This life is not my life and this person I have become is not me. I live this life because I have no choice and I have gradually moulded it into an easy, simple and rather solitary existence (that's how I choose it to be and content with it) but this is still not my life. I mean, it is theoretically mine but mine is something I choose. And I haven't chosen this life - it was forced upon me.
  20. Bubu27

    Wish I could die today

    Thank you Twin_mom. Ken's death destroyed me completely and even though I have slowly been picking myself up I feel like a quadruple amputee. I have been learning to walk again with my new prostheses but the missing parts will never grow back. I might be able to walk faster in future but I will never get my old, healthy and happy self back. And I am fine with it. I am as happy as I can be with what happened.
  21. Bubu27

    When to go back to work

    Melissa, you must be strong too if you are able to go through paperwork or even be on this forum. I barely remember first couple of months - my mum was with me 24/7 to look after me as all I did was sleep, wake up in hysterics, take a heavy dose of valium three times a day that would hit me hard immediately and I would drift right away. Ken's sister organised the funeral, took care of all the paperwork - I had to be reminded/ forced to brush my teeth or change clothes. You are lost and probably still in shock but soldier on. And remember that you are not alone and we all here know all too well what you are going through. Big hugs
  22. Bubu27

    When to go back to work

    Did you think about a career change Melissa? I don't know your story but caring for patients would probably remind me of caring for my husband (if I were you) and that could be too difficult. But at the same time, I have noticed that visiting hospitals and returning to the very same environment Ken was in before he passed away, makes me feel closer to him (as if he was still alive). Not sure if it makes sense to you ;/ I think what I am trying to say is that do what feels right for you. And you will feel lost for a while. That's normal. Been over 3 yrs for me and I am still lost x
  23. Bubu27

    When to go back to work

    I returned to work a week after the funeral but I was a wreck so some days later my company sent me for an unpaid month off. When I returned after that month I would still struggle for probably about a year. I was mentally absent, burst into tears often (would hide in a toilet) and had to pretend I was ready to be there. And that was tough as I had no energy to breathe let alone pretend. If you can afford not working, stay home as much as you can. That is what I would have done if I could. But obviously everyone is different so do what your heart is saying
  24. I don't smell or "sense" Ken but I have had so many clear signs in the past three years that I have no doubt he is with me. Thee times in the first months I felt him at night - I remember waking up around probably 5 am on 19th March (two months after he passed away) and as soon as I woke up and opened my eyes I could feel the bed move as if somebody who was sitting at the edge of the bed suddenly got up. I was fully awake and I know this was not a dream. It happened three times. My favourite plant (Christmas cactus) blossoming randomly on the day of his funeral (2nd Feb 2016) and our first wedding anniversary (22nd May 2016). And most recent one with a bit of background - we used to travel a lot and in 2014 went to Tunisia and both loved it. One of the photos I took over there is of this Tunisian symbol. And so this year, on the day of the 3rd anniversary of Ken's funeral (2nd Feb 2019), I walked home from the cemetery and suddenly spotted something on the pavement in front of me. Looked closer and so the very same Tunisian symbol with the ring that looks exactly as our wedding rings. Call me crazy but what were the chances of finding Tunisian symbol in central London (5 mins walk from our flat) on such an awful day?
  25. Bubu27

    It's been 10 days

    Hi Melissa, first days/ weeks and months will be a blur. Take things one hour at a time. Don't rush anything and do what you have to do - if you need to cry in the middle of the street, do cry. Don't try to be strong and don't hold back the pain. Breathe and sleep. I found visiting cemetery calming but this might be different for you. Do you have close family/ friends who could help you out? Basic things like washing up, cleaning, cooking, shopping? Don't be shy to ask for help I know the pain is so unbearable now that if physically hurts and that the whole situation seems surreal but you will survive. I am with you x
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