Needytoo

I remember one of my therapists told me I needed to find a passion. I had no clue what the heck she was talking about (brain fog was still bad back then). So I signed up for so many things. I do pottery, stain glass, kayaking and now have my restricted firearm license. It is fun trying new things.

Leadfeather, my brother and sister also think NG is great, his family feels the same about me, it is only my sons that are having the issue. Maybe you are right trying2breathe, it is just going to take a longer time. Kilm our sons do have some similar traits, that is for sure. Trying, Christmas was good and bad. To make a long story short, both my boys didn't come to NG's sister's place for supper. It hurt, but I still had a great time with all of them. Ng and I brought his sons to my place to meet my kids. My youngest was ok with it, my oldest hid in the basement. I can't take my oldest son, in a few weeks I am telling him to move out. I want him out for so many reasons, not just the way he treats NG. I have talked to so many other parents and they all tell me I am not doing him any favors letting him sponge off me. I want him to be happy and live his life and he isn't doing that in the basement. He is becoming his father, sitting down in the basement pig and drinking. I am going back to Al-anon because I am enabling this and it needs to stop. One thing I have learned is NG is so supportive and encourages me to talk about things, this is good for me to find a partner that will do that. Happy New Year everyone.

Christmas eve, NG is over and oldest son refused to come for dinner. I am so tired of pain, and I know you guys understand. I can't stop crying but this time I have someone holding me. Hope tomorrow is better.

Terrific thread going on here. I am going through so many similar issues. NG and I together are great. Both of us miss each other so much when we are separate. I found a partner and I see a future if it was just us, but it isn't just us. He has younger kids and visitation with his kids and battles with his ex sometimes drain me. His divorce isn't final, and it is draining. My kids are older and need to move out on their own. I am telling my eldest in the new year. he has three months to move out. My kids are very slowly accepting him but what if they never do? I have a step-thing I hate her. What if my kids don't want anything to do with me? His Mother demands a lot from him and wants to move into a retirement home but there is a waiting list. She wants us to live in her house. That would be great, I could sell my house and walk to work. What if one of my son's want to buy my home? How do I make that fair to the other one not buying the house? What if we do get married and then divorced, how the hell does that work? What if we sell his Mom's house and my house and buy one together, would that be better? How can this be so complicated?

You guys are the best!! So sorry soloact for what you went through. Called stepwitch a few times to see when she is available so I can get the photos. She hasn't returned my call. Somehow she will make this my fault. Oh well, she can keep on trying to break my spirit. I too am getting good on cutting out the drama.

Thanks, I sometimes have doubts what is the right thing to do. I will go down the weekend I was supposed to. My brother is with my Dad, he seems ok minus dementia. Hope tonight I sleep well.

My Mom passed away 27 years ago, and her Palliative Care Nurse married my father within a year of her passing. This woman has been horrible since the first minute I met her long time ago. She made visiting my father horrible. She drove me as well as all my siblings away. We sometimes tried to speak up, but it always ended horribly. When my husband passed, they never came to the funeral and never visited afterward. I have gone a few times down to see them, and I kept my visits short because she always would say something evil. I went through a lot of anger towards all of this, and then one day I just let it go. Now my father has Alzheimer’s and is in a home, and my step thing is complaining she isn’t getting the support from us she needs. We all live at least 3 hours away (I live 6 hours away) and all of us except one of my sister’s work full time. I try not to judge, but this lady has changed all the furniture in the house and has gone on a few trips since my Dad has been put in a home. Again I try not to judge because I do know you need to take care of yourself first. I have heard from old high school friends that she goes around town and complains that I am not supportive. Nice lady. Last night my brother texted me saying she called him, Dad has taken a turn for the worse and would like one of us to come down because she is going on another trip. I work at a college, and we are doing our finals, I am drowning in marking, so my brother is going down. My brain didn’t shut down last night had all of this going through my mind. He is my father, he hasn’t been a great Dad since Mom’s passing he has been a horrible grandparent but what would my Mom want me to do. I am now in a second relationship, and my kids are not the most supportive (slowly changing) and NGs kid are being told by their Mom that their father is a horrible person. I don’t want to compare us with my Dad and stepwitch but what if our kids don’t want anything to do with us either. I know we aren’t as bad but what is the correct thing to do. We are planning on going down Dec. 14 for the weekend but I can’t see us making down earlier. Am I a horrible person? My sister says no we are great people she missed out. Thanks for letting me vent.

I am going to try Jamie Oliver's recipe. Hope it works. I am very proud of my youngest son, I hope my oldest joins as well but I can't force him.

Parts of me really wish I could go all out Martha Stewart style but I don't have time. I know excuses excuses. There are a few things I would like to try this year. Two things my Mom use to make Thimble Cookies and Scotch Eggs. Both I have failed at before unfortunately my Mother's cookbooks have been thrown out years ago by my Step Thing. NG's Mom gave me her recipe for Thimble Cookies if anyone has one for Scotch Eggs I am willing to try it. My youngest son has agreed to come to NG sister's for Christmas oldest son hasn't given me a response. I am so happy my youngest son is willing to try!!

You guys are the best!! I remember in the "early" recovery days thinking of new ways to celebrate the holidays. The second year after DH passing we went to Punta Cana and had a blast. My kids have been very challenging, they have bullied me etc but my youngest is so much better now his brother somewhat better but he has some kind of social oddity. His father did and there is other relatives on that side that have the same thing. I can't change that. I think I will make my big supper Christmas Eve and have NG join us and spend the day with NG's family. My kids need to let me know this weekend if they are coming. I hope my kids will be open to this. I certainly wish our past was different and they got to enjoy Christmas' like so many other people do but we didn't and I can't change that, I just can encourage the change today. On a side note, I am not planning on doing too much baking this year. My baking is being done by a single mom who does it so she can afford Christmas for her kids.

Hello everyone, it seems awhile since I have posted hope everyone is doing well. I need some peoples advice. My late husband was very unsocial and we didn't do anything for the holidays. No parties or going to other family members for Christmas. Deep down I hated it, I was always jealous of the people that actually did things with their whole family. I have been dating a great guy for a year and half and his family have made me feel part of the family. My sons very slowly (and I mean very slowly) accepting new guy. Last Christmas I waited till 1:00 pm for my sons to get out of bed. My oldest son didn't buy anyone any gifts and the gifts he got he left most of them in the living room. They ate supper and took off to their rooms. This is how my holidays have been for years. This year New Guy's sister and her wife have invited my sons and I over for Christmas. I told my sons they aren't very impressed. I told them I realize this is different and a bit awkward but to be open to it. So what is the correct thing to do in this situation? Make an early supper for my sons then go to new guys sister's place or do the same old thing feed my sons clean up and sit in the living room alone. My sons are 21 and 25 years old.

Thank you for posting this.

Great advice Mizpah and Sugarbell. I did do a bunch of reading as well and came to the same conclusion. I will have no contact with the lady. Update on the case, NG's lawyer is going for "parent alienation" charges. This is going to get messy. I do hope this lady finds the help she needs. In two hours I am on vacation and I am so looking forward to it!! She will not change that!!

You are so right Trying, I should have nothing to do with why NG have the right to see his children. The ex is trying to make it look like he has some anger issues, not sure why because before she wanted him to take the kids every weekend. Update on crazy ex. She had called children's aid on both of us and will not let NG have the kids this weekend. She claims the kids are saying things about both of us. There is something seriously wrong with the lady. I can't control her and I don't want anything to do with her. I called my therapist and she thinks the woman might have some borderline personality disorder and recommended some reading for me about the condition. I need to keep away from her, which I will. NG is upset but also realizes he can't control his ex and is going to talk to his lawyer today. We will see if there is anything that can be done. Going to focus on me right now, and get my mind back in a calm state. I am having some possible health issues right now (growth in my uterus) and with everything else, my stress level just keeps going up and up. Thanks, everyone.

My first two husbands did the same thing so I know where you are coming from sudnlysngl but after many hours during my recovery I also realize that I was to blame a bit for that. I didn't speak up for myself. I need to tell NG what I expect and he has mentioned I need to do that as well. I am a terrific person, I am generous but there come to a point that I will not be taken advantage off. If I don't this relationship is over. One problem is NG's ex wife use to take advantage of him so much that maybe he is on guard of being taken advantage off by me. Thanks for letting me vent.

Thank you Azjane and Sudnlysngl for your comments. Part of me totally agrees but off course with my post I don't comment on all the good this man has done for me. I have never had such an intimate relationship with no other human being but I still need to speak up when things are bothering me. Both of us have shared so much with each other. Both of us are under stress from other sources right now which isn't helping our situation. It has been one thing after another and he has been with me through it all. Do I want to feel being punched in the gut again? Hell no!! I am speaking up on what I want and he it totally on board. I was having some electrical issues in my house and a friend had a friend who is an electrician. The guy came over fixed it and wouldn't take payment and asked what my supper plans were, I told him I didn't have any. We went out for supper I thought at least I could pay but he said no and paid the bill. And I told NG all about it. I am not ready to throw in the towel yet but it is on my radar.

Hello everyone, thought I would fill you in on everything. NG and are in a "spot" right now and I can't even describe exactly what is going on. His ex will not let him see the kids without me being there, I said no until they have their legal separation. She is mad, lawyers are involved but they still can't get together to the end of the month. I think NG is upset with me as well but hasn't said it. NG asked me out for our 1st year anniversary. He then proceeded to ask if I was paying the bill. It felt like someone punch me in the gut and ripped out my heart. Guess my face showed the pain and he did man up and paid the bill but the damage was done. My husband and I never ever celebrated an anniversary and I was looking so forward to it and it was a disaster. I did talk to him afterward about it, which was hard. Anyway a horrible weekend!! Standing up sometimes sucks!!!

This week it is one week since NG and I started dating. I love this man but you are all right about the ex she is a manipulating bitch. She is the one that says NG can't have the kids unless I am present well guess what lady I am not until they have a legal separation. If she wants her weekend alone with her new man she will have to let the kids spend time with their father alone. The ex also posted stuff on facebook about me and tagged her son so I could see it. I am calling my lawyer today regarding it. I now have blocked her from Facebook so I don't have to read anything she posts. NG and I are getting together to discuss everything again. He is upset because he feels the kids shouldn't have to suffer because of her, I am so stressed out right now. I need to mediate and do some yoga to call myself down or drink a bottle of wine or maybe do yoga and drink wine. lol Not sure about USA or the rest of Canada but in Ontario the men or the person with the highest salary really gets screwed in divorce even though this woman had an affair and is the reason they split up it doesn't matter. I don't understand that.

They have been separated for 4 years but he never had the money to do the legal separation. He pays her a heck of a lot of money every month but can't even claim it. He does have a good lawyer but the process is so dam slow. The mediator for child care told the "wife" to go seek a mental professional. This woman tags her youngest son on Facebook so all his friends can read about her love affairs. Woman is nuts. I have mentioned that he get full custody. He doesn't think he can do it, I told him it is amazing what a single parent can do. I never thought I would say this at 51 years old but I would love to raise these kids, but this is a decision he has to come to. Also on the other side we do enjoy our alone time. The kids this last weekend were ALOT to handle, the worse I have ever seen but they don't know what to think because their Mother fills their heads. I was able to get them under control and the the neck pain started with the oldest. The ex blames me. I can't win. I do understand what you guys are saying, NG is standing up more for his rights and I am proud of him. I love this man and getting very fond of the kids but I also refuse to have kids who misbehave at my cottage. It is my Zen place and I refuse to have the kids act up like they did again.

Need to vent and any advise I would greatly appreciate. The guy I have been dating for a year is fantastic but his ex is nuts. They still don't even have a separation agreement. She denied him access to the kids unless someone is with him. We have been bringing his kids to my cottage every second weekend. NG's kids are special needs kids. The ex-has been complaining about the oldest that he is too much. He has autism and is 14 and guess what puberty has hit him, welcome to parenting a teen you stupid lady. She wants us to take the kids every weekend. She wants this so she can party with her new boyfriend. Two weekends the oldest boy was hospitalized because he said he wanted to comment suicide. She made us give up our plans so we could visit the kid while she went off with her new boyfriend. The kid is in the hospital, of course, we are staying around, stupid lady this is what being a parent is about. She was even in a spot with no cell service so we couldn't contact her if we wanted to. She told the hospital NG couldn't visit unless I was present. This weekend we had the kids, Tony had a sore neck. Never thought much about it, but as we drove him home it got worse. She had to bring him to the hospital last night guess it was a side effect of the new drug and somehow it is all our fault. Now she doesn't want me near the kids. I am pissed and trying to calm down. I am thinking of telling NG that I will not be around that way according to her rules he can't have the kids. But is this the correct thing for the kids?

Hello everyone. Thought I would stop in and say hi. Life is pretty good. Still seeing NG and together we are great. It's the other people that are interfering with our terrific life. NG's mom is becoming an issue, she has entered the 2nd year of widowhood and having issues. She thinks her son and daughter should cater to her. She has started calling the ambulance dailing because she is lonely. Then there is my father he married this "thing of a human being" 25 years ago and she has made my life hell. My Dad now has altermizers and she feels I am not supporting her. Both of them didn't come to my husbands funeral. But it's my Dad so I drive 5 hours once a month to see him and NG comes with me. NG still going through his divorce stuff with his ex. She is really nuts and I can't believe I am saying this at 51 but I would love to raise these young kids. Even my sons are slowly coming around. Life is pretty good.

My heart goes out to you sudnlysngl and trust me I know what you are saying. I am very sensitive to my sixth sense. I was married twice before and both marriages weren't the best, but having my alone time I know see my own faults in relationships. I am not the best communicator and have a hard time expressing my wants. I have come a long way but there is still room for improvement. Now I am not saying that I am taking on all the blame but in this case I could have spoken up more but for some reason I didn't. That submissive "wife" syndrome kept her mouth shut. Last nights event was good, I wasn't nervous doing my speech. Thanks to Facebook and being tagged NG texted me right away. I went over to his place and we talked for a long time. Still not sure if we resolved anything or if we can ever resolve it. Getting his kids every second weekend is something that is just a thing that needs to happen.

Tomorrow I am going to that event to receive my award. Received some unwanted comments from some of my colleagues regarding NG Had to do some deep breathing to keep the tears away. Another professor that I don't know well wants to pick me up and drive me to the hall, i declined. At least I will be seated at a table that I know people. Arneal I think it is great that you can laugh when NG has his "cranky time". Good for you. Home alone tonight. I use to love it, now not so much. Hate being so looney.

First off you guys are great. I really appreciate everyone's honesty on this site. NG and I were planning on buying an used fishing boat together. Unfortunately both of us have to pay income taxes this year and he said he can't. I could buy a boat but I feel it is something we should buy together. Last night we did talk for a very brief moment. He was reading about Ham radios and was talking about how he want to buy a good one. I have talked to him about putting yourself first etc. He is trying to do that. Who am I now to say "oh you can spend money on a Ham radio but not on a boat". He warned me before that he can really get wrapped up in stuff and that I might have to snap him out of it. I think right now I will let him do his own thing since it has only been a few days of him acting like this. Am I doing the right thing, I have no clue. I am not in a happy spot but one thing I have found during this time of figuring out life is when I feel like this it is time to put more attention into myself. So that is what I am going to do.

Good evening everyone, I need some "healthy" opinions because my female brain is working overtime. Hopefully I keep things brief. DH and I didn't have the perfect relationship and having spent many hours staring at a wall I know I am partly to blame. I do not want to make the same mistakes but sometimes I just have no clue what I am doing. NG and I are so much a good fit but in other ways we are in different spots. We are both 51 years old both have two sons but mine are much older than his. I am estranged from my father while he lives with his widowed mother. I am widowed 5 years while he has been separated for 3 years. He has ADD which I don't have a problem with because I feel all humans have a bit of it. I am a workaholic and I am trying not to let my work get in the way of our relationship. If he needs me even on short warning I am there. I on the other hand still have a hard time asking for help, I have a few times but still have a hard time. He loves to go to the gun range so I went and got my gun license so I too can enjoy his hobby with him and he is thrilled. Last weekend we went to his cabin in the woods. It was great to get away and get some rest. NG got his Ham Radio license and was having fun with it. He also was spending a lot of time on his phone and I might be paranoid but he made sure I couldn't see what he was doing. I am really trying to block that feeling that he is hiding something. On the weekend I asked what he was doing Thursday night because I am going to this event, he said he was picking up his kids for the weekend. I asked him if there was anyway that his Mom could watch his kids so he could come. He quickly said no and then said shh so he could hear his radio. Yep that hurt because I was going to tell him that I am getting an award that night. I left him with his radio and went for a walk. Tonight is usually our movie night together. He haven't talked and have barely texted since Sunday. Am I being too paranoid? What do I do?