MURPHY

17 years, i am happy alone. I sometimes look at people who've shared a whole life together and feel a pang of envy. Then it goes when I think of dating again. Not for me.

Have you ever admired a woman who has gone through changes in her life? Or have you just made up your mind that she's messed up? Before you make up your mind take a closer look. A woman who has endured the most unusual life is someone of wisdom, someone who has been chosen by God to go through things that have made her stronger.

Days like today I actually wonder if the anger really goes away. All my friends celebrating 25 years and you know they were married at the same time and it should've been you too.

I was widowed on the 19th of February 2002, it seems so long ago and life kept moving on. I was so glad to find the YWBB and it supported me through most of the journey. I went looking for them recently and saw they closed but found WIDDA and it is so similar. I am so glad that we have somewhere to go. It's been 17 years, I never remarried, not from lack of trying to find happiness with someone else, it didn't happen because of anger I thought I had no right to feel so I tucked it away. It came out in every relationship I ever tried to have. I stopped dating after finding this out and have now found peace on my own. Really I believe that I have filled my life with so much that I don't have the space or time to allow anybody in. My boys are now grown, I often feel as if I failed in so many ways. I worked harder on my career and studying further so I could provide a better life for them, only to be diagnosed with MS and eventually put on disability. Time moved on and now I can't take it back. I have 2 grandchildren already, my eldest had his first at 17. I wonder how he would have felt knowing he's a grandpa to a little boy and a little girl. He would have spoilt them rotten and that little girl would've been the apple of his eye. He always wanted a girl of his own. But, if he had survived they wouldn't be here. My boys would've finished school instead of following their own minds. It was hard doing it alone. I am so glad I am not at the beginning of all this but I would gladly go back with the knowledge and foresight I have now. You don't grief like you did anymore, but you look back and you wonder sometimes what life could've been like if the shit never hit the fan. You wonder if he even knows the amount of crap he placed on your shoulders. I don't care anymore if he would be proud of how his kids turned out. I only know I did the best I could. He doesn't have a say , it was his own fault for drinking and speeding. Yes, sometimes I think too much and life gets me down. I'll get up again tomorrow and keep fighting.

One time, I was in my backyard talking to a man who was helping me with my landscaping. It was the middle of winter and the grass was very brown. It looked as if it was totally dead. I commented to the man about how bad the grass looked and how dead it was. He said, "Well, Joel, it doesn't look very good now but the truth is the grass is not dead, it's just not in season. In the springtime, this same grass will be just as lush and green as it can be." Sure enough, just a few months later that same brown, dry grass was a gorgeous bright green, filled with life and vitality. I've found that life works the same way. Sometimes our circumstances look dead. It may look like a dream is dead, a relationship is dead, or a promise is dead. But you have to realize it may just be that it's not in season. It may be that it'll come back around in a new season. We can't give up just because things don't look the way we want them to in the season we are in. We have to dig our heels in and look with our eyes of faith to the new season that is on the horizon. What am I saying? Just because something looks dead, don't write it off. Our God is a God of new beginnings. When we go through disappointments or setbacks, instead of getting down and discouraged or giving up, choose to have the attitude, "Even though it doesn't look good, I know the truth. It's not really dead; it's just not in season. I'm in wintertime, but I know springtime is coming. So I'm going to lift up my head and get ready for the new things God is about to do.

Hi. My boys were 2 and 7 when he passed, and so remember your feelings. I am at 17 yrs, my boys are now grown up. I didn't think I'd make it but we all still here. You just keep doing what you can, I often feel I could've done more but raising them alone, working alone, making decisions on my own. I now know I did all I could and they are not bad kids so all in all we made it, you will too 💕

It seems as if some of us were just dealt raw deals. My whole life was planned, sorted. I certainly didn't plan or God forbid ever thought that this would happen. I raised 2 boys alone, I had to move away from our home town to study part time and improve my job prospects. I didn't have enough energy left to be a mom and spoilt them rotten to make up for what they'd lost. One relationship, of 2 years, he was married I only found out after he broke it off. I moved in with someone after 8 years, only to get involved with a narcissistic, abusive alcoholic, who tried to destroy everything I owned and tried to make me dependent on him. I packed up and left with nothing and slept on the floor in my new apartment just to get away. I was diagnosed with MS. I ended up in a psychiatric facility only to realise ... because of the anger I held toward my LH for dying and not ever dealing with it I took my anger out on any possible suitor. That was 2011. Since then I have not dated and decided to start getting my ducks in a row. Sometimes you do feel like you're stuck in a shit storm and somedays I still do. I am not writing this as to compete with what you are feeling, but just to let you know you are not alone. One thing that I have realised though is that I am a much stronger person now than I ever was. I now concentrate my energy on helping others. My elderly folks, my family, anyone that I can. After 17 yrs, yes I now do not ever see myself marrying again and I am at peace with it. I can now only hope that my days of mistakes are over and I can find enough to keep me happy and constructively busy.