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Lopez

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    30


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  1. Lopez

    Need perspective on Brother-in-law

    Thank you everyone for your responses. I was able to see if I had doubles of anything and advised him so. This movie collection makes me emotional since my husband was chronically ill and we would curl up on the couch together with a movie on his bad days and after hospital stays. He had a lot of favorites but of all time I would say the Iron Man movies.
  2. My in-laws and I check in on each other on occasion. My brother-in-law and I have only text a few times over the past year just to wish each other happy birthday, or a "thinking of you." However over the 4 to 5 times we have text each other he has twice made the topic of conversation my husband's movie collection. I lived with my in-laws including him the last 2 weeks before my husband was placed in the ICU and eventually passed. My husband was too sick for me to take care of alone near the end of his life as I had to work to pay bills and so we moved in with my in-laws. My husband stored our movie collection in his brother's room since ours was too small to fit the cabinet we stored them in. The day my husband died I moved in with my brother and slowly moved out of my in-laws place over about 2 months. I moved the movies along with many other items while my in-laws were out. As for the movies, I took what I believed to be mine and my husband's (mainly what was in the cabinet) and left some along with the cabinet for my brother-in-law to have to remember my husband by (We had discussed this in advance). Soon after, my brother-in-law asked to go through my movie collection because he thought he was missing some movies. I told him I didn't feel comfortable letting anyone go through my husband's stuff and he stopped asking. A year later he's asking again about the movies. He wants me to check if I have any of them and I feel strongly he may try to visit in the future to use the opportunity to go through the collection. These movies he's asking about are movies he bought at the flea market, around $1-$20 and there are only a handful of them. Can't he just go buy them again and leave me alone?? I am so frustrated with him and can't believe he would think this is ok. Am I wrong?
  3. Lopez

    Introduction

    Just to share a little bit about me, my husband passed away just over a year ago due to a genetic disease and liver failure. I bet your husband was an amazing person, don't be afraid to share on different threads about him and your struggles in grief. If you're comfortable with it, do you have any good memories you'd like to share?
  4. Lopez

    Introduction

    Hi Mary. I am so sorry to hear that you had to join us here, but glad you are looking for support. We're here for you the best we can be. Though it must be stinky way to send comfort your way I want you to know even if it feels like nothing in life is good right now, it's ok to feel that way. Just living one breath to the next when you're not sure you'll get through the next hour is also okay. Your grief matters. Your husband matters. God be with you, hugs.
  5. Lopez

    Powerful article about extreme caregiving

    I too have had my own experience in caregiving as I also married my husband knowing he had a rare disease which was invisible to the general public. A with the exception of regular hospital stays for treatment he was expected to be relatively functional in daily life. However, despite having insurance, getting treatment was difficult as the majority of his medical team was comprised of Medical Doctors employed by a University that contracted with hospitals but took a different set of insurance. Without consistent treatment he over the years he had highs and lows. He was in an out of a wheelchair and tired most of the time. I did regular massages and helped with stretches to increase blood flow and relieve his muscle tension. During lows when he got sick he would be too weak to pull the covers over himself and leaving his side for more than a few minutes wasn’t an option. Being that he was relatively functional most friends and family did not understand why we left events early or didn’t go out on certain days. I quit trying to explain and would make it sound like it was my decision or to put a stop to the questions simply say, “He’s not having a good day today.” Only he and I understood the impacts of his illness on our marriage and daily life. He eventually passed away after a slow decline and then a ICU stay due to liver failure and a combination of his rare disease. The isolation of a caregiver is unknown and perplexing to many.
  6. At about four months, my in-laws and I spread his ashes which was also a very cathartic experience which allowed me to get some closure. It helped immensely that in a sense he was finally laid to rest. The flashbacks of our life together come more often nowadays whenever I go through his stuff though I still have a lot to get rid of, in due time. When I first found this site I had a hard time reading other's experiences because they expressed such a hope for life while moving forward in grief where I had none. With time I have found it this community to be such a comfort and have been able to articulate some difficult feelings because of posts and threads I've read. Naturally in grief I still experience anger, sadness, loneliness, and depression regarding my husband's death though I am not nearly as emotionally raw and I am now comforted by the fact that he loved me and that I was loved well even in his sickness. Maybe some part of my experiences will resonate with you. I wish you both comfort in this time.
  7. Lopez

    Weddings as a Young Widow

    I can relate to some of your wedding thoughts as it explains exactly how I am feeling. I'm about to be in a wedding, am very happy for the bride and want her to experience the beauty of marriage. However the bride's complaints about her relationship and the wedding planning frustrate me and I am finding it harder to sympathize with her. My thoughts are 1) She have a man that loves her 2) He's still alive, does she realize how fortunate she is? 3) Has she thought about how her complaints about her relationship make me feel? I feel she should look forward to this day, realize it's a blessing, and please for the love of humanity stop complaining.
  8. I lost my husband to a rare genetic disease coupled with acute cirrhosis of the liver also due to genetic reasons just about 1 year ago. He eventually had an altered state of mind and weakened body and eventually was in the hospital for about 2 weeks before he died. At the 6 month mark I had someone tell me I should be over it already. What a load of insensitive bull. There are so many firsts you will both will still be experiencing, memories you will be re-living, and some you won't dare to re-live yet. That's ok, you've made it this far, you are still making it even when you don't feel like it. As the emotions beat you brain don't forget to be kind to yourselves. Hugs.
  9. Lopez

    Precious Pain

    During this first year I have been living from one "first without him" to the next. The time between each new event I had to do without him was often spent getting ready to brace myself for the next event or holiday I had to do without him. I have no idea what to do or expect from here now that I've finally lived my first year without him so it helps to have a peek into the future.
  10. The first year anniversary of my husband's passing is coming up in a couple days. The build up is absolutely the worst. Though we were married almost 7 years, my husband and I didn't have any kids and my relationship with my in-laws has been strained. Physical distancing provides that I definitely won't see any of them in person but it customary for me to reach out to them??
  11. Lopez

    Precious Pain

    This song describes the greif so well. Almost at the 1 year anniversary mark. I often try to forget everything and move forward to escape the pain, but it doesn't work. Someone told me, "It's not fair that remembering him causes you to suffer the way that you do. Hopefully his memory can be a sweet thing instead of agonizing pain." The pain definitely isn't gone but the thought that the comfort he brought to me in life can be a good thing to think about has helped me remember the sweetness of our life together. As there is not road map to loss, I wish you and I both peace and comfort.
  12. Boredom is certainly hitting me right now, and I am having a difficult time staying motivated to to anything. However I have quite a few things coming my way that will keep me busy in a few weeks. Thanks for the post.
  13. Lopez

    3 things I did today

    That's awesome, I know a few people who are doing happy hour virtually. 1. Slept in 2. Played one of my favorite online games (started playing with my siblings, something that gives me a sense of community during quarantine) 3. Went shopping to stock up for the next week, and got some decorations for a quarantine approved bachelorette party for my brother's fiance (I have a mix of greif and excitement when planning this)
  14. Lopez

    MIL goes off

    Virgo, I am so glad for you. It is so important to have a support system during the intensity of greif. This thread speaks to me because my MIL and I finally made peace once my husband started to become very ill and eventually died. I am grateful for her gentle approach even now. However, I was not respected by in many ways by other in-laws and people I thought were friends of ours. Turns out these people never wanted a relationship with me and in the wake of my husband's death I was shocked and devastated by their treatment of me. I cannot control other people's actions, and so, when possible, I focus on being grateful for the people who came to support me and still do (Though this was not possible in early greif for me...baby steps). It's awful to say, but going through this and hearing from many others made me realize it's common to have other people hurt you in your greatest time of sorrow. However, I'm also relieved to know that the actions of these thoughtless and selfish people don't speak for my worth or yours, instead they speak for their own.

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