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Lopez

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    30


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  1. Lopez

    Introduction

    Just to share a little bit about me, my husband passed away just over a year ago due to a genetic disease and liver failure. I bet your husband was an amazing person, don't be afraid to share on different threads about him and your struggles in grief. If you're comfortable with it, do you have any good memories you'd like to share?
  2. Lopez

    Introduction

    Hi Mary. I am so sorry to hear that you had to join us here, but glad you are looking for support. We're here for you the best we can be. Though it must be stinky way to send comfort your way I want you to know even if it feels like nothing in life is good right now, it's ok to feel that way. Just living one breath to the next when you're not sure you'll get through the next hour is also okay. Your grief matters. Your husband matters. God be with you, hugs.
  3. Lopez

    Powerful article about extreme caregiving

    I too have had my own experience in caregiving as I also married my husband knowing he had a rare disease which was invisible to the general public. A with the exception of regular hospital stays for treatment he was expected to be relatively functional in daily life. However, despite having insurance, getting treatment was difficult as the majority of his medical team was comprised of Medical Doctors employed by a University that contracted with hospitals but took a different set of insurance. Without consistent treatment he over the years he had highs and lows. He was in an out of a wheelchair and tired most of the time. I did regular massages and helped with stretches to increase blood flow and relieve his muscle tension. During lows when he got sick he would be too weak to pull the covers over himself and leaving his side for more than a few minutes wasn’t an option. Being that he was relatively functional most friends and family did not understand why we left events early or didn’t go out on certain days. I quit trying to explain and would make it sound like it was my decision or to put a stop to the questions simply say, “He’s not having a good day today.” Only he and I understood the impacts of his illness on our marriage and daily life. He eventually passed away after a slow decline and then a ICU stay due to liver failure and a combination of his rare disease. The isolation of a caregiver is unknown and perplexing to many.
  4. At about four months, my in-laws and I spread his ashes which was also a very cathartic experience which allowed me to get some closure. It helped immensely that in a sense he was finally laid to rest. The flashbacks of our life together come more often nowadays whenever I go through his stuff though I still have a lot to get rid of, in due time. When I first found this site I had a hard time reading other's experiences because they expressed such a hope for life while moving forward in grief where I had none. With time I have found it this community to be such a comfort and have been able to articulate some difficult feelings because of posts and threads I've read. Naturally in grief I still experience anger, sadness, loneliness, and depression regarding my husband's death though I am not nearly as emotionally raw and I am now comforted by the fact that he loved me and that I was loved well even in his sickness. Maybe some part of my experiences will resonate with you. I wish you both comfort in this time.
  5. Lopez

    Weddings as a Young Widow

    I can relate to some of your wedding thoughts as it explains exactly how I am feeling. I'm about to be in a wedding, am very happy for the bride and want her to experience the beauty of marriage. However the bride's complaints about her relationship and the wedding planning frustrate me and I am finding it harder to sympathize with her. My thoughts are 1) She have a man that loves her 2) He's still alive, does she realize how fortunate she is? 3) Has she thought about how her complaints about her relationship make me feel? I feel she should look forward to this day, realize it's a blessing, and please for the love of humanity stop complaining.
  6. I lost my husband to a rare genetic disease coupled with acute cirrhosis of the liver also due to genetic reasons just about 1 year ago. He eventually had an altered state of mind and weakened body and eventually was in the hospital for about 2 weeks before he died. At the 6 month mark I had someone tell me I should be over it already. What a load of insensitive bull. There are so many firsts you will both will still be experiencing, memories you will be re-living, and some you won't dare to re-live yet. That's ok, you've made it this far, you are still making it even when you don't feel like it. As the emotions beat you brain don't forget to be kind to yourselves. Hugs.
  7. Lopez

    Precious Pain

    During this first year I have been living from one "first without him" to the next. The time between each new event I had to do without him was often spent getting ready to brace myself for the next event or holiday I had to do without him. I have no idea what to do or expect from here now that I've finally lived my first year without him so it helps to have a peek into the future.
  8. The first year anniversary of my husband's passing is coming up in a couple days. The build up is absolutely the worst. Though we were married almost 7 years, my husband and I didn't have any kids and my relationship with my in-laws has been strained. Physical distancing provides that I definitely won't see any of them in person but it customary for me to reach out to them??
  9. Lopez

    Precious Pain

    This song describes the greif so well. Almost at the 1 year anniversary mark. I often try to forget everything and move forward to escape the pain, but it doesn't work. Someone told me, "It's not fair that remembering him causes you to suffer the way that you do. Hopefully his memory can be a sweet thing instead of agonizing pain." The pain definitely isn't gone but the thought that the comfort he brought to me in life can be a good thing to think about has helped me remember the sweetness of our life together. As there is not road map to loss, I wish you and I both peace and comfort.
  10. Boredom is certainly hitting me right now, and I am having a difficult time staying motivated to to anything. However I have quite a few things coming my way that will keep me busy in a few weeks. Thanks for the post.
  11. Lopez

    3 things I did today

    That's awesome, I know a few people who are doing happy hour virtually. 1. Slept in 2. Played one of my favorite online games (started playing with my siblings, something that gives me a sense of community during quarantine) 3. Went shopping to stock up for the next week, and got some decorations for a quarantine approved bachelorette party for my brother's fiance (I have a mix of greif and excitement when planning this)
  12. Lopez

    MIL goes off

    Virgo, I am so glad for you. It is so important to have a support system during the intensity of greif. This thread speaks to me because my MIL and I finally made peace once my husband started to become very ill and eventually died. I am grateful for her gentle approach even now. However, I was not respected by in many ways by other in-laws and people I thought were friends of ours. Turns out these people never wanted a relationship with me and in the wake of my husband's death I was shocked and devastated by their treatment of me. I cannot control other people's actions, and so, when possible, I focus on being grateful for the people who came to support me and still do (Though this was not possible in early greif for me...baby steps). It's awful to say, but going through this and hearing from many others made me realize it's common to have other people hurt you in your greatest time of sorrow. However, I'm also relieved to know that the actions of these thoughtless and selfish people don't speak for my worth or yours, instead they speak for their own.
  13. Lopez

    3 things I did today

    Quarantine day 7 for me though only because we are now working remotely. 1. Took a nap since I haven't been sleeping well 2. Picked up my bedroom 3. Did my make-up first time in 7 days.
  14. Five months feels like forever. I used to wish time would fly by so that I could get to my next goal, but now I think of time as a thief. I understand now how it can be cruel. As the days pass, the time I spent with my husband of 6 and 1/2 years becomes farther and farther away, instead I wish it could be close by so that I could hold it and there would never be a distance. We were so in love despite the difficulties of marriage and his sickness. I am not yet 30 and I feel almost no one in my social circle understands the pain of the loss. However, instead of this post being an ode to grief, I would like to share a memory of him. My husband and his siblings all have been very ill over the years (though my husband is the only one who has passed away from illness) causing us to move in and out of my in-laws over the years to give help to my in-laws and to receive help. The last apartment we lived in was a building in the historical part of town and was over 100 years old. Though it had been wonderfully renovated with tile flooring and all new bathroom and kitchen, during last year's record love bug season it was revealed the sealing between the windows and around the doors to the outside left much to be desired. Love bugs swarmed through the cracks like the locusts from the 10 plagues of Egypt from the Bible. Having a high aversion to bugs my husband suggested we go to my in-laws house for the night. It was Sunday night at 10:30 PM, I had work Monday at 8 AM, and there was no way on God's green earth I was going to pack him and I up, travel 30 minutes unpack and settle in at my in-laws that night and still be able focus in the morning. My husband's liver was beginning to fail along with other medical complications and so he mainly had to move around in a wheelchair, was not able to do any heavy lifting, and was generally on the brink of nearly passing out if he moved too much. Stubbornly, at 5' 6" and 135 pounds I decided I would conquer moving our mattress into a less bug filled room. He laid on the couch while swatting away the love bugs invading our living room while I got creative and determinedly tilted our queen sized mattress, box spring, and frame from our bedroom to our office across the house. Though irritated he couldn't help and that we were not leaving our love bug infested apartment for the night, he was shocked and moved by my determination to sleep in my own bed and pushing past all energy reserves without a word he came to help put a new bedspread on. Triumphant in my endeavors I put a towel at the bottom of the door to prevent love bugs from coming in. That night I slept as he snuggled me and thought even in his sickness, despite the diseases plaguing his body and how uncomfortable the bugs made him, and believe me they made him really uncomfortable he was still making sacrifices for me. I believe he is in Heaven and I hope one day, maybe he already does, he knows that these silly memories are my love letter to him. Thank you for sharing in my loss.

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