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ieh21

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  1. Thank you for the great answers. I totally agree with the ADD risk. I'm partially of the opinion not to share the report with the school. Her specialist and her homework tutor need to know to be able to help more efficiently. But her teacher? Maybe not. Getting a diagnostic doesnt change who she is from day to the next. I dont want her labelled. Dyslexia needs to be said because it gives her a few accommodations.
  2. My third-grader most likely has dyslexia. I say most likely because she hasn't yet been officially diagnosed. But she's being followed by a speech therapist, we have an Intervention Plan at school and she is being evaluated for attention-deficit, which many dyslexics also have. So I'm aware there are issues. I spoke at length to the teacher at the beginning of the year. We agreed that her enthusiasm for school should be encouraged and maintained. They have tests every week: grammar, spelling, arithmetic, math. My daughter spends 10 hours a week preparing for these tests. She's very good at everything, except spelling. Her spelling is improving but it is still very very flawed. So in a spelling test, unless all stars align, she's always on the edge of failure. Particularly since now they also have to keep track of grammar in the spelling tests (plurals, gender etc, we're French, it gets complicated). Every week, there's a long note "You have to learn to concentrate better to make fewer mistakes..." "You have to make an effort blah blah blah" "You need to prepare better for the spelling tests etc". Mind you, she's getting 90-100% in all other parts of the weekly evaluation, and no comment is made there. OH MY GOD. This is a NEUROLOGICAL problems. It is not a problem of effort or willpower. It's like telling a blind child they should make an effort to see more clearly. You gave a dyslexic child a spelling test and she got a bad grade, proving that... she has dyslexia and spelling problems. The children can learn to cope. Maybe my daughter needs to use her tools better. But telling an eight-year old that she should make more of an effort when all she does is make an effort, that's just soul-crushing. She reads this note and thinks "wow, I already make all this effort and I'm being told to make more effort in order to succeed. That's just not possible. So I will never succeed." I cannot wait for the parent-teacher meeting. I always try to empathise with the teacher. My child does require more work. The teacher has 20 kids. Maybe I should be doing more to help her. etc. But right now, I'm sick and tired of reading this unhelpful rubbish. I'll be asking her to stop commenting on the spelling tests. My daughter knows that a 60% grade is not good. But unless you're going to write a gushing note for the 100% in math, don't say anything at all.
  3. I agree that there is a high-level of stress that we feel to be the keeper of memories. But memories are organised is so many different ways, keeping them doesn't have to be a project. I say this partially because I feel guilty about finding a wonderful stash of childhood and his family photos, letting them sit long enough that they became all rolled up and still not doing anything to save them. But I also believe it: we have some picture montages on the walls of trips we took together, and I left a few of "his" decorative pieces lying around. So there are objects around which to focus when I tell them stories. He remains part of our daily lives this way. His "presence" is tangible. And I tell them stories as inspiration strikes. We're eating salmon, and I'll tell them how it was his favourite food. It's not a perfect system. But at the end of the day, it's not a perfect life either. And we cannot with our memories and artefacts do the impossible, which is to keep them alive.
  4. So cathartic, good for you. Joe's parents are clutter freaks and he liked a lot of their stuff (I dont at all.) I always feared having a house full of their stuff once they died. Good job getting on top of it!
  5. To all widows, you are doing a challenging job in challenging circumstances. May you all be celebrated today. You deserve it.
  6. Thank you all for your thoughtfulness. I'll drop off the DCs for lunch and go run some errands. That's what I do monthly anyway and it seems to make her happy. My DCs don't seem to be bothered. If it wasn't for them, we'd have no relationship at all, so that is more meaningful than me trying to chat with her for any length of time. I don't discount her I love yous because she's spoiled but because they are meaningless. They are words she says to create an artificial bond that she needs, there is nothing reciprocal. She was a terrible mother to DH in many respects by taking selfish to another level. like a child who is only about self-preservation. To me, the words and the feeling behind them are too important to just throw around.
  7. Mother's Day is coming up. I don't really have a relationship with MIL. She is a child, not a fully-grown woman. She has led her life depending on others and being taken care of by her father, then her husband. As a result, she's always put her needs ahead of anyone else's. Despite this, I don't think that she is a bad person. She is just someone whose company I don't enjoy. She wants me to love her, but I find that oppressive. Her constant "I love you" "I miss you", they are intrusive to me. We didn't have a relationship before Joe died. We still don't. I bring my DCs to see them, once a month. I feel this is my only responsibility, to my DH, to the DCs. But otherwise, I don't want her as a responsibility. FIL is sick, he has Parkinson's, so now she is a caregiver and HATES it. She lost her son and her only sister. She doesn't say "I love you" because of who I am, she says "I love you" because she needs someone to rely on. She doesn't know any better. So Mother's Day comes along, and she really wants me to do something with her. But she isn't my mother. I don't like to entertain her idea that we have a bond. It annoys me because one of the only negative feelings I still harbour, five years later, is an irrational anger at the injustice that they are still alive and Joe isn't. That I am stuck having them in my life when I don't want to. In past years, on Mother's Day, I have limited it to a text message. We saw them either the week before or after, but pointedly not on Mother's Day. This year I feel oddly guilty about it. She's been reminding me that it's Mother's Day for the past two days. Asking me if I have plans over the weekend. Should I do something? I asked this question of people who are not in our sub-sector of the world. Everyone unanimously felt horribly that I would even suggest to leave this poor mother alone on Mother's Day. Yet that didn't quite convince me that I should go out of my way... Any thoughts from widow(er)land?
  8. I had the same feeling, during the Arab Spring. Your feelings regarding not missing him are very familiar. Life literally does go on and patterns are created that fill the initial void. There are still events I would like to experience with him. There are still thoughts I'd like to share. But overall, he isn't there anymore, and that's the reality of it.
  9. My Eldest daughter is 8 and she's become a GREAT fan of April Fool's. No idea why. She even made a bag full of paper fish to stick on people's backs (we're French-speaking and in our world, April Fool's is called April Fish day. The most common, old school prank is to quietly stick a paper fish in someone's back so that they walk around with it all day.) Last night, I left aside my chores and frustrations for a moment to join her in her enthusiasm. So after the girls went to sleep, I changed all their clothes drawers around. Then I switched them beds (they slept through it). I also pranked the nanny by changing the kitchen ustensil drawers around. It took no effort, but wow, this morning, it was like I bought her a car. She was SO psyched by the pranks I had played on her. She immediately came into my room to give me a big hug (a rather non-subtle way to stick a fish in my back). And she said something that really warmed my heart: "Maman, is every family fun enough that they play pranks in the morning of April Fool's?" I don't know, but hope you can all share a little bit of fun with your families today, still 9 hours to go...
  10. wow you guys! Amazing, as always. my hamster went to sleep. And has now left until the next "crisis". I hope you all have a good, hamster-free weekend.
  11. I also get annoyed, but then I also think "wow, this person is going to hit a wall once the intense support fades away". It always does, I mean people still support you but eventually, the superficial support leaves. So I can imagine that for someone who grieves very publicly, because they need it, it must be very hard to be alone all of a sudden.
  12. I find it really hard, living alone, to get myself out of mental loops. I can't always bother my friends, my torments are rather minor in reality, yet they torment me mercilessly and it affects my mood. Today I had a large document to prepare. I did with success. I used an Outlook list, double-checked everyone was on it, then hit send. No sooner did I hear the "ding!" of my colleague's computer that I heard her holler that one person was missing from the list. WHAT?? Clearly I did something wrong. I went back and sent the document to the missing person. Simple as that, he now has the same info as everyone else, no harm done. Except I've been tormenting myself for HOURS about this. I want to kick myself for having made this mistake, not the least because my colleague saw it (i.e. my ego is hurt that the mistake was public). Ironically, I'm very forgiving of the mistakes of my employees and colleagues. As long as things are fixed, it's all good. When Joe was alive, he would either make me feel better, or distract me by virtue of being there and distracting me. Now, once the children are in bed, there's nothing but me and the hamster in my head. How do you get rid of the hamster?
  13. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are not uncaring. Your father's death is very sad, you have lost a lot, and the context is simply different. You will grieve your father differently, not with tears, but in a different way. It's nice, in a sad way, that you can now comfort your mother, having been there first. not the same experience, but the same loss. Good luck to all of you.
  14. Hopefully the books he's reading will help him in a way. Good litterature has a way of doing that. Good luck with the wait.
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