Hi everyone, I am a widow for more than 3 years. My husband died when he was 30 years old. He was treated/rehabilitated for drug dependence, and was clean for almost 6 months before he died.
It has been awhile since my last visit to this forum, but I'm happy I visited the site again.
Although 3 years gone by, I am still angry and bitter by the thought that I married a drug dependent husband (please forgive me if I have offended anyone). Please don't get me wrong, I love my husband very much, but only after 2 year of marriage that I knew he was suffering from drug dependence. He was never really violent nor hit me, but there were moments that I didn't understand him and we argued a lot. The week I found out his addiction, is the same week he submitted himself to the rehab. He was in rehab when I carried our second child. He relapsed after a year of treatment, and promised to never touch drugs again after his relapsed.
Before my husband died, there were so many things we agreed to talk about to finally move on to healing and give each other's peace and closure (he promised to answer all my questions before that year ends, 2014). But it never happened, he died August 2014.
I am still angry and bitter with so many regrets and questions lingering... Many of our families and friends didn't know he was a drug dependent, and I feel like I have a huge secret to protect and causing me so much pain and stress.
Is any one in this forum experienced the same? I feel like I hate him at some point and that I cannot go out in this world freely
I'd like to share one of my poems to you. I made this when I really want to get drunk but so afraid that I will give out my secret to anyone and regret it when I sober
***
Let me go
Let me go
I don’t want this kind of ego
I don’t want to live heavy
I want to walk free and happy
Let me go
I want to get drunk and let go
I don’t want to hide and worry
How my soul, heart, mind and lips will journey
Let me go
And welcome a new day
The past cannot tie and hold
Let’s dance all night with joy
And embrace freedom confident and bold
Let me go
My love, those sad truth I own
I want to let go
I want this heart to forever love you
The clandestine let be known
Let me go
I want these disquiet and fears
Will forever let me go
(Written 12th of March, 2018)