NeutronStar

@Joy821 I lost my fiance mid January 2020. Your words resonate with me. The holidays are hitting me more than expected. I thought I was doing okay getting through the year. Then it is as if I am in a time warp trying to hold on to the last precious memories together during Christmas and then it becomes 1 year without him. Then I have to go through this all over again??? Then with the restrictions I can't be with my family but at the same time then there is less pressure to have it all together.

At the beginning of May I went through similar stress and anxiety with our Pomeranian. She had fluid on her lungs due to an enlarged heart and her prognosis was not good according to the vet we missed the mark. With lowered activity and medication her health has improved almost back to normal. I was not ready to lose her too. She has helped me to get through the loss and get me out of bed the last 5 months. I went into survival mode and high anxiety where I couldn’t breathe either. I begged for a sign from my fiance that everything was going to be okay. I received a sign I couldn’t miss. A fire rescue truck in our number. It said Fire Rescue 22. I drove by it in two different areas of town that day. He got our Pomeranian for me so I wouldn’t be lonely with all the night shifts he did. Now she is my companion so I am not lonely without him.

I’m approaching the 6 month mark of losing my fiancé and can not imagine being expected to get over this. I honestly thought things were going to be easier since I watched him suffering not only mentally, emotionally and then physically weakening and dealing with his own grief in knowing he was dying. I thought I would be more at peace with it but I have learned that grief is not linear. It is not only the adjustment of not having his friendship and companionship and the loneliness, it is all of the things he did for me and the house that I have had to learn to do myself. This coupled with the additional stresses of the pandemic, almost losing my job of 15 years, adjusting to yet a new normal. Coupled with critical health issue with our Pomeranian where I thought I would lose her too. This last weekend we had a private memorial with the family and scattering of his ashes to mark his 42 birthday. It brought back high waves of emotions but felt like a huge step. Up until now I haven’t been able to go through his things but have gained enough strength to start organizing them. For the past 5 months his room was exactly how he left it. It was difficult but I feel like this last week has been huge steps in my grieving.

You are not alone. I am 3.5 weeks in myself. My partner passed away at 41 years from a critical illness and still seems like it is a dream and not reality. I have found building a support system has helped to talk about it. As well as art therapy and journaling to him has helped me. We don’t have children but it is still a loss with pain but some relief as well over over the suffering. It has helped to be on forums too.

My story is shockingly very similar. I am on Day 5 of losing my 41 year old fiancé of 17 years to cirrhosis of the liver. He had a compassionate soul that cared for others but he wasn’t able to care enough about himself. 15 months ago he was given 1 to 2 years so I went through anticipatory grief. He struggled with his addiction privately and it was difficult to watch him lose his independence over the last year. Despite being so ill he still contributed up until the last month around the house, cooked all my meals, even before Christmas got me a meaningful Christmas gifts despite not having the money. For 15 years he helped people with disabilities and addictions as well as the homeless. We have no kids just a small Pomeranian. It is still not real to me. It was difficult to see what the disease did to his body and his mental state. He was my world and now there are so many things I have to get through in order to survive this.