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Wheelerswife

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About Wheelerswife

Hey folks.  This website and its predecessor have been lifelines for me on this widow journey.  I found YWBB about a month after my first husband died.  The day my second husband died, I was surrounded by some people I met just 2 weeks later at a local Widowbago (as well as some others I met after that time).  I hope that people will take advantage of the possibilities for connections with others who can understand the heartache of losing a spouse/partner and others who have learned to keep living with their broken and healing hearts.  I have had the privilege of meeting several people from this site and I have developed virtual friendships with a few others as well.  I may never get to meet the people I have come to care about who live in other countries, but they are still a part of my support system.  I live in the US, but have met wids when I traveled to Canada and Australia (hey - when you go that distance, why not?) as well as across the US. 

Find someone whose post resonates with you and take a small risk with a PM.  You never know - you might find a friend. 

 

Hugs to all of you,

 

Maureen

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    09/21/2009
  • Name of Spouse
    DH1 - Barry, DH2 - John
  • Date Widowed
    9/22/2009 1/11/2014
  • Cause of death
    DH1- Respiratory Failure DH2- Cardiac Arrhythmia
  • Spouse's Age
    5356


Recent Profile Visitors

Recent Profile Visitors

1,115 profile views
  1. Wheelerswife

    Just Trudging Forward

    Hi, Steph. I hear you! I have been widowed twice and have had very different experiences with grief. I was remarried 18 months after my first husband died. I don’t know how I was able to move forward so quickly back then, but it was all good. I married a wonderful man who was also widowed. Life was moving along gloriously. But less than 4 years after I met him, he died unexpectedly. 18 months after he died, I was pretty much a mess! Such different experiences. I wondered if I could ever be happy again. I persisted in putting one foot in front of the other. I moved, started a new career, then moved back again, trying to find the path to enlightenment, perhaps? What I do know is that 5+ years later, I am better than I was and life is getting to be more satisfying. Am I really happy? Not yet. But I now have hope that it is possible. Hang in there. Post to your heart’s content. This place is here just so you can do that and find others who understand. Hugs, Maureen
  2. Wheelerswife

    Trouble with In-laws

    Hi, Kaycee. I’m sorry you are having to face this situation. It is difficult trying to navigate the grief of in-laws while managing your own needs, your late husband’s expressed desires, as well as moving forward in your own life. I remarried after losing my first husband; however, he was buried according to his family’s religious traditions. He had few desires about what happened after he died, except for wanting to be buried next to me. As I could not be buried in a cemetery for his religious faith, he was buried in the local town cemetery in the east coast state where we lived. I have a double stone on that plot. When I remarried, my second husband, who was a widower, decided with me that when we died, we would be cremated and have our ashes split and buried, half with our first spouse and half together. His wife was buried on the California coast. Unfortunately, I lost my second husband as well, and I did as he wanted and buried half of his ashes in California and half in the town where we lived together in the middle of the country. I now have my name on 2 grave stones. Perhaps for your mother-in-law’s sake, you can consider burying a portion of your late husband ‘s ashes in a place where she can visit? I know that I can feel very possessive of my relationships with my late husbands. I have never been a parent, but I know that both of my MIL’s also had very significant grief with the loss of their sons. My second MIL has since died. She was a very bitter woman for various reasons, and I chose to end contact with her 18 months after my husband died when she started blaming me for his death because I hadn’t been a nagging wife and didn’t make him go to doctors, etc. She lived at quite a distance and we didn’t have a significant relationship, so the lack of contact was not significantly noticed. You may not be able to restore a relationship with your MIL. You can’t control what she decides to do, or how she views your decision to move forward with your life. But you can hold your own head up and remain respectful and possibly contribute to what she feels she needs as a mother - which simply might be to hold onto whatever memory she has of her son and a way to have a way to memorialize him with something like a grave to visit. Best wishes to you! Maureen
  3. It doesn’t sound silly to us. Sometimes, we need our own rituals when we make changes. I have moved after losing both of my husband’s and I let go of a lot of their property and joint property as well. Fortunately, it often feels better after you make the change. Perhaps take a photo or 2 for memory’s sake. Cry if you need to. Get your new couch and try to embrace the inevitable - that life moves forward and you might as well join in and try rebuilding. Hugs, Maureen
  4. Wheelerswife

    12yearsBirthday/Suicide/Sports

    Hugs, Sugarbell. These days are hard enough on us as spouses, never mind the impact on your kids. Xoxo Maureen
  5. Wheelerswife

    10 years

    Today marks 10 years since my first husband slipped into a coma and later died of respiratory failure, the consequences of a genetic neuromuscular disease called Spinal Muscular Atrophy. I can still remember the details of that last day, the last week, the last 16 months of medical challenge, and the 17+ years of marriage, the vast majority of which was wonderful, despite his significant disability. So very much has changed in the last 10 years. I had anticipated his early death since the day I met him. I know there are a few of us here who actually signed up to eventually become young widows, as we knew the potential from the beginning. I don't think any of us could have known the depth of pain that would come with our future losses, but I also imagine that most of us would have chosen to love our spouses all over again anyway. Love has a way of blinding us, doesn't it? My life has no resemblance to the one I was living 10 years ago. There has been more love and more loss since then as well. Rebuilding my life hasn't been and still is not easy. Somehow, I have found the gumption to keep putting one foot in front of the other and I have created a life for myself, although it does not yet have all the components I need for happiness. I continue to stretch and learn new things and I am trying to be more adventurous. I sometimes feel like a fuddy-duddy! In the last 10 years, I met someone new, fell in love, moved half a continent away from where I'd lived the majority of my life, remarried, left my career of 26 years, went back to school, was widowed again, earned 2 more degrees, and then moved back east near where I previously lived. I recently walked away from a work "opportunity" that was a good job for me, but the environment was toxic - even though it took over a year to find a job in my field, and I have moved back to my house in the Midwest where I lived with my second husband. I'm now doing something entirely new, not truly in my comfort zone, but in an environment that is supportive and with the potential to move to a different position in time. My first husband probably wouldn't recognize me! I miss him. As a matter of fact, today, I really miss both of my husbands. I'm going to go to a wildlife refuge with a friend and try to enjoy the present. The past still hurts... Maureen
  6. Wheelerswife

    Song's that bring a tear.

    Best wishes to you, Leadfeather.
  7. Wheelerswife

    We have lost one of our own

    Fly, my friend, I miss you. You left this world 2 years ago. I miss hearing your perspective on life and your drive to live so fully. I hope your orphaned daughter is thriving. She would only be 8 right now. She really needed her daddy, but you gave her so much in your time here. Sigh. Maureen
  8. Wheelerswife

    Labor Day 2019

    !0 years ago on Labor Day, my husband Barry and I were at our customary Labor Day event – the (local) Jerry Lewis MDA Labor Day Telethon. I realize that many people hated the telethons because (in their view) the telethon perpetuated destructive stereotypes. My husband was never bothered by this – and he truly hoped that his participation in fundraising activities would continue to support clinics and research that would lead to a cure for his disease – Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA) and all the other diseases sponsored by the MDA as well. The MDA no longer has a telethon on Labor Day. Just 3 weeks later, Barry’s struggle with the effects of SMA ended when he died of respiratory failure at the age of 53. Barry never saw that cure come, but in the last 10 years, there have been significant gains in finding treatments that can stave off the degenerative process occurring in genetically damaged anterior horn cells (spinal motor neurons) with an injectable spinal medication called Spinraza. And…there is a new gene therapy that may make an even more significant impact on muscle function. So I sit here today…remembering that day 10 years ago when my medically fragile husband held onto hope that there would someday be a cure for the disease that had ruled a lot of the circumstances of his life – but did not rob him of his will to live and work and to make a difference in this world – and to love me with all of his being. Maureen
  9. Wheelerswife

    Grief and Friends

    Hugs, DT. I did not have a spouse with addiction issues, so I don’t know what that reality is. I was a caregiver for a husband with a physical disability, and the world of ours (mine) that I had with him walked away from me after he died. I never have recovered that part of my friend/acquaintance group (including most of his family). Interestingly, I reconnected with people I knew before him and enjoy some distant friendships from my past. Facebook has helped me in this process. I have moved more than some people and I am geographically distant from most of the people from my past, but I have been surprisingly embraced by some older friends. I just saw an old friend last weekend who I knew in the 1980’s and haven’t seen since 1991. It is hard to make new friends as we get older. I have more colleagues and acquaintances, yes. But friendships? Different story. Maureen
  10. I remarried after being widowed. In a way, I was really glad that my husbands were very different men. I am coming up on 10 years since I lost my first husband. I will tell you that there are still times that I miss the life we had. (I also lost my second husband, and I really miss that life.) I think my best advice is to accept that your new husband is amazing in his own ways. Think of how you can have 2 really great friends - and they are very different people. Your friendship with each of them brings you different kinds of joy, understanding, and perhaps occasional frustration. Wouldn’t this apply to comparisons of your late husband and your current husband? But try not to compare. Enjoy the relationship with your second husband - because he is here in the present and he loves you. If you have differences, talk about them. Learn to accept him as you would like to be accepted. Take advantage of his strengths. He brings something different and unique and wonderful in its own way. Your perspectives on life are different now - and they always will be because of what you experienced. But - don’t let that keep you from living this marriage to its fullest. Hugs, Maureen
  11. Wheelerswife

    Graduations..... These kids keep growing up!

    Hi, Rob, I never did know which of your kids was the older, but I have my guess. Coming from someone who launched into a higher ed career fairly recently, I know it is not unusual for kids to back out (and yes, at this exact point) and it really isn’t a new phenomenon. It honestly had nothing to do with your parenting. It just is. Sometimes, we worry that kids aren’t going to succeed if they don’t follow the typical path, but that isn’t true either. She is going to have to figure out her path. You and Kathy can and should continue the plans you have for yourself and (?R?) will learn some adaptation. There is nothing wrong with taking some basic college classes at whatever community college is available...or getting a job that will show her that she doesn’t want an entry level job for life. Hang in there. Maybe one of these days I will get out your way again and I can meet Kathy. Hugs, Maureen
  12. Wheelerswife

    Movie alert

    The Art of Racing in the Rain. It can be a tearjerker for wids and kids. It has a dog in it, too, so it might look attractive for the family. As as an aside, Kevin Costner is the voice of the dog. Kevin knew my friend Fly - one of us - who died almost 2 years ago. I could hear Fly speaking to me in this movie. No, not literally, but figuratively. Philosophy of life kinda thing.... Maureen
  13. Wheelerswife

    Speechless

    I have had some terribly insensitive things said to me. About 99% of the time, I give people a pass. But...there are just some people who should know better...like my gynecologist. I saw her in the weeks after my first husband died. He happened to have a significant physical disability and needed a lot of care at the end of his life. When I told her he had recently died, she patted me on the back and said, "You will be better off without him." I was so shocked I didn't know what to say! Maureen
  14. Wheelerswife

    New Here 💕

    Hi, Peg. I’m sorry to have to welcome you too our club. Losing a spouse is incredibly difficult, and it just doesn’t automatically start getting better after a few months. I’m sorry you lost your beloved husband. It has been 10 years since I lost my first husband and 5 1/2 years since I lost my second husband. My experience with 2 losses was very different. It is only recently that I have begun to feel like I can build my life again. Just know that whatever you are feeling is very normal. I have relied on my widow friends for support through both of my losses. You don’t have to do this alone. Hugs to you, Maureen
  15. Wheelerswife

    Unique and Devastating Loss

    Hugs, Bluebird. I wish it wasn’t this way... Maureen

About Wheelerswife

Hey folks.  This website and its predecessor have been lifelines for me on this widow journey.  I found YWBB about a month after my first husband died.  The day my second husband died, I was surrounded by some people I met just 2 weeks later at a local Widowbago (as well as some others I met after that time).  I hope that people will take advantage of the possibilities for connections with others who can understand the heartache of losing a spouse/partner and others who have learned to keep living with their broken and healing hearts.  I have had the privilege of meeting several people from this site and I have developed virtual friendships with a few others as well.  I may never get to meet the people I have come to care about who live in other countries, but they are still a part of my support system.  I live in the US, but have met wids when I traveled to Canada and Australia (hey - when you go that distance, why not?) as well as across the US. 

Find someone whose post resonates with you and take a small risk with a PM.  You never know - you might find a friend. 

 

Hugs to all of you,

 

Maureen

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    09/21/2009
  • Name of Spouse
    DH1 - Barry, DH2 - John
  • Date Widowed
    9/22/2009 1/11/2014
  • Cause of death
    DH1- Respiratory Failure DH2- Cardiac Arrhythmia
  • Spouse's Age
    5356


Recent Profile Visitors

1,115 profile views
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