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Wheelerswife

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About Wheelerswife

Hey folks.  This website and its predecessor have been lifelines for me on this widow journey.  I found YWBB about a month after my first husband died.  The day my second husband died, I was surrounded by some people I met just 2 weeks later at a local Widowbago (as well as some others I met after that time).  I hope that people will take advantage of the possibilities for connections with others who can understand the heartache of losing a spouse/partner and others who have learned to keep living with their broken and healing hearts.  I have had the privilege of meeting several people from this site and I have developed virtual friendships with a few others as well.  I may never get to meet the people I have come to care about who live in other countries, but they are still a part of my support system.  I live in the US, but have met wids when I traveled to Canada and Australia (hey - when you go that distance, why not?) as well as across the US. 

Find someone whose post resonates with you and take a small risk with a PM.  You never know - you might find a friend. 

 

Hugs to all of you,

 

Maureen

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    09/21/2009
  • Name of Spouse
    DH1 - Barry, DH2 - John
  • Date Widowed
    9/22/2009 1/11/2014
  • Cause of death
    DH1- Respiratory Failure DH2- Cardiac Arrhythmia
  • Spouse's Age
    5356


Recent Profile Visitors

Recent Profile Visitors

908 profile views
  1. Wheelerswife

    Wedding anniversary

    27 years ago tomorrow, I married my first husband, Barry. I have been thinking of this date for a few days. This will be the 10th anniversary that he hasn't been here. 10 years. Can that be possible? On top of that...the memories of this date are dominated by images of our last 2 anniversaries that we spent together. Our 16th and 17th anniversaries were spent with him in critical condition in 2 different ICU's. The first of those hospitalizations was the beginning of the end for him...severe bronchitis and Takotsubo cardiomyopathy...and the most intense fear I have ever felt in my life. I almost lost him then. 16 months later, a much more simple respiratory infection would overwhelm his severely weakened body and he would give up the fight - deciding he no longer wanted intrusive intervention to try to stay alive. I wish I could focus on other memories, but this tape loop that used to run constantly in my head just overrides my will. Fortunately, I don't think about it as often as I used to, and the full technicolor of past memories has faded some. Tomorrow will pass by...and I will move through the hours...and it will likely be another year before it takes my breath away again. I miss you, darling. Maureen
  2. Wheelerswife

    Wells Maine - June 14 - 16

    I’m leaving in a week!
  3. Wheelerswife

    Wells Maine - June 14 - 16

    Sigh. I will miss this one. Maureen
  4. Wheelerswife

    I am so inexperienced at communication....

    Okay....another opinion...I'm in a similar camp as my friend Hachi... It seems he legitimately fell asleep. You became worried and had other feelings. They are legitimate feelings, but it doesn't seem reasonable to blame him for anything. However, I'm a firm believer in communicating with your significant other. So....if I was in your shoes, I would talk to him about the feelings you experienced and the thoughts that went through your mind when he didn't call when you expected. Otherwise, it is possible that you will build resentment if something similar happens in the future, and he won't know your experience from this time, and he won't have important knowledge to be able to address your needs (to know he is okay if he is late, etc) in the future. Communication and intimacy go hand in hand. Best, Maureen
  5. Wheelerswife

    The Surreal Effect

    This is all so difficult for our brains to wrap themselves around sometimes. It is also different from person to person and interpersonally. I watched my first husband lose function over 18+ years, and he needed 24/7 care his last 16 months. I knew that I would lose him. Yet when he died, I realized just how unprepared I was for him to be dead. That dreaded day had come. I went to the cemetery daily for the better part of a year and talked to him there, even after I met the man who became my second husband. It was was even harder to believe that my second husband died. Over 5 years later, I still talk out loud to him. I would love to hear his voice again and feel his embrace, although I no longer think he is going to pull up in front of the house after a day of work. I think sometimes that these thoughts and dreams of sorts help us to embed memories of our spouses. I’m personally grateful for anything that helps me remember my guys. 7 months is still pretty early in this process. It takes time to integrate this new reality into our minds. Hugs, Maureen
  6. Wheelerswife

    My very own Widow Island

    Hi, Helen, It is nice to see you here again. Happy 50th Birthday, bittersweet as it is. I hit my 57th birthday a few weeks ago, surpassing the age at which my second husband died (5 days before his 57th birthday). Again - bittersweet. But this post is about you and your journey and I am a little envious that you have your widow island! It sounds like a beautiful place where you have the opportunity to refresh your soul! I am glad to know you are happy again. I cannot say the same for myself - yet - but I am less unhappy. I don't even remember if I ever posted on the Three Good Things thread, but I will now: 1. I am no longer working for a miserable boss. The job was worth the experience, but the environment was oppressive. 2. I have decided - after 2 years on the east coast (US) - to move back to my home in Kansas. It feels more like home than anywhere, and my sadness has lifted enough that I feel like I can thrive there. 3. Today, it is sunny and it isn't raining! Best wishes to everyone! Maureen
  7. I guess I have just gotten used to the concept of widowhood. I was widowed the first time at age 47 and the second time at 51. There have been so many changes in my life since losing my first husband, and if I am getting to know someone new and want an authentic connection with that person, things inevitably surface. I have developed the “Cliff Notes” version of my story and will elaborate if there is genuine interest in getting to know someone better. I don’t personally like being called “single”, as it seems to negate some very critical parts of my life. I’m not particularly concerned that others will be uncomfortable with my marital status. At this point, I can tell someone I am widowed without indicating that it is distressing. If people say they are sorry for my loss, I thank them and move forward. I’m all about having authentic relationships in my life, and if someone isn’t in that kind of place themselves, that’s okay. I let that person be where they are and I go on myself. I’m not currently dating, although I have been on a handful of dates. It can be interesting when meeting new people - dates or otherwise - and referring to my husbands by number. Again, this is a part of my life and what brings me to where I am today. Hopefully, in time, this will become more comfortable for you and you will find what works best for you to divulge or keep private, depending on the circumstances. Hugs, Maureen
  8. Wheelerswife

    Getting Rid of His/Her Clothes

    Ignore this demand! Take as long as you want to go through your husband ‘s personal possessions! Keep as many shirts as you want! Make as many quilts as you please! This is your prerogative. Maureen
  9. Wheelerswife

    There are worse things than death

    I don’t even know what to say.
  10. Wheelerswife

    Anniversary

    Hugs to you, Donna. I was also married 17 years to my first husband. In June, we would have been married 27 years. I didn’t even get 4 years with my second husband. I can’t predict the future, but I hope I won’t grow old alone! I hope you have good memories on your anniversary. Maureen
  11. Wheelerswife

    When to go back to work

    Hi, Melissa (and all of the newbies), I was a long term extreme caregiver (18 years, with the last 16 months 24/7 with a night ventilator). I was also a physical therapist. I took some time on FMLA after my first husband died. I did go back to work, but ultimately, within a year, I made some changes, and I never went back to my 26-year full time profession. Only you can figure out whether work can help you put one foot in front of the other. I was back back in school, playing around, really, when my second husband (a professor) died unexpectedly. If it wasn’t for school at that point, I don’t know how I would have gotten through my days. School (like work, for some people) forced me to read, write, and show up somewhere 5 days a week. I finished the degree I was working on, added another, and finished my career change. Perhaps work will be good for you, as school was for me. Hugs to you! Maureen
  12. Wheelerswife

    Another anniversary

    8 years ago today, I married my second great love. Sadly, he died before we reached our third wedding anniversary. We married on the beach on the island of Hawaii. It was a small and poignant ceremony. Two days earlier, we had released leis into Hilo Harbor in remembrance of our late spouses. We spent both of the anniversaries we had together in Peru, traveling with students. I have so many wonderful memories of this date. But my heart breaks, knowing that if he hadn’t died, we would have had so many more amazing experiences together. Sigh. Thanks for the space to share. Maureen
  13. Wheelerswife

    Wish I could die today

    Sending more hugs to you. It has been over 5 years since I lost my second husband. We had an intense and amazing run that lasted less than 4 years when he died unexpectedly in his sleep. We had never been happier. His death (and subsequent health issues for me) knocked me off my feet. It hasn’t been easy. But - I persist. I truly hate being miserable. I know it is possible to find a way to be happy again after losing a spouse, because I found happiness after losing my first husband. This time, that search for happiness is different. So far, it has not included meeting someone new. But it does involve changing careers, slowly getting my feet under me again, and keeping contact with great friends who have seen me through my own version of hell. I have to believe that I can have happiness again (in whatever form it takes) because the thought of living the rest of my life miserable or just “meh” isn’t good enough. I still I’ll miss my guys terribly. I think about what I have lost every single day. Moving forward doesn’t diminish the past or my memories or the pain. But it allows for something new that can bring purpose and richness to my life. I’m going to get to a place where I can honestly say I am happy again, because for me, staying in this place of pain isn’t a good choice for living out the rest of my life. I feel your your pain and I hope that it will start to abate for you. Maureen
  14. Wheelerswife

    Ashby MA, Flash Bago

    I have an event at the college on the 6th and will drive up afterwards. I don’t know the exact hours of the event, but I will let you know when I know. Maureen
  15. Wheelerswife

    Ashby MA, Flash Bago

    I don’t have anything impeding me at this point.

About Wheelerswife

Hey folks.  This website and its predecessor have been lifelines for me on this widow journey.  I found YWBB about a month after my first husband died.  The day my second husband died, I was surrounded by some people I met just 2 weeks later at a local Widowbago (as well as some others I met after that time).  I hope that people will take advantage of the possibilities for connections with others who can understand the heartache of losing a spouse/partner and others who have learned to keep living with their broken and healing hearts.  I have had the privilege of meeting several people from this site and I have developed virtual friendships with a few others as well.  I may never get to meet the people I have come to care about who live in other countries, but they are still a part of my support system.  I live in the US, but have met wids when I traveled to Canada and Australia (hey - when you go that distance, why not?) as well as across the US. 

Find someone whose post resonates with you and take a small risk with a PM.  You never know - you might find a friend. 

 

Hugs to all of you,

 

Maureen

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    09/21/2009
  • Name of Spouse
    DH1 - Barry, DH2 - John
  • Date Widowed
    9/22/2009 1/11/2014
  • Cause of death
    DH1- Respiratory Failure DH2- Cardiac Arrhythmia
  • Spouse's Age
    5356


Recent Profile Visitors

908 profile views
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