Wheelerswife

Anyone know if this is possible and if so - how to access any of it? Thanks!

Hi, Marie. I am up on the Canadian border of NY and VT for a few more days. Then I get to go home to KS to close on my house (selling) and wait for my new house to come together. My honeymoon has been long distance for 7 weeks!

Hi, all. Old long term member here. Widowed 9/09, remarried a fellow widow 4/11, widowed again 1/14 and now remarried to another twice widowed guy 5/22. I have been through a fair amount of change, to say the least. I am currently finishing the sale of my house I had with husband #2 and building a house with husband #3. Crazy, I know. it hasn’t been easy, but my wid friends carried me along the way. I haven’t seen many of them in the last couple of years (thanks to COVID.) I have been spending what should be my honeymoon taking care of my 95 year old father 1700 miles away from my new husband. I fly home in a few days to shore up the closing on my house and prepare for our new home. Then it is back to work in my pre-retirement job in a local school. That’s me in a nutshell! I would love to hear from folks near and far! Maureen

Hi. First, I don’t know if you sent notes to people and you don’t either. Please forgive yourself for any possible lapses you might have had. You were exhausted in so many ways back then. Second, what a wonderful idea to reach out to people at this point in time. I know that everything that people did for me was appreciated (and I have been widowed twice now.) People don’t really know if their actions made a significant difference when they send a card or food or just sit and hold someone’s hand. By reaching out to them 13 years later, you remind them that it truly made a difference. In this pandemic we are all dealing with right now, I think that your reaching out to people (even if by time and circumstance you have lost touch) you will send a message that doing something is important and perhaps that will encourage someone to repeat the behavior they had towards you to someone else - or to acknowledge someone in their life who has been supportive of them in a time of crisis or need. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, Sassy. I don’t post much anymore, but I saw your message and wanted to reply. I was widowed 11 1/2 years ago. I met a widower 6 months later and at 12 months out, I moved to be with him. We married 18 months after I lost my first husband. It was truly wonderful. Don’t be hard on yourself for finding a connection early in widowhood. Less than 3 years after we married, my second husband died unexpectedly in his sleep. I was heartbroken again. It took me a much longer time to consider meeting someone new again. I have been seeing a 2x widowed man for about 16 months now. We are taking things much slower than in the past. I’m okay with that. It has been 7 years since my second husband died. I’m not in a hurry to get married, but we now talk about a future together. He just lost his mother to COVID, so he has even more on his plate now. Take the time you need to address your grief (which might be complicated.) Take the time to process this recent relationship (which might be complicated.) It might be hard to be alone. I get it. I did see a counselor for quite awhile after my second husband died. It helped to put words on my confusing feelings and it validated my experiences. Hugs to you, Maureen

Your mother is overreacting.

I was raised Catholic and as a college student, chose a path on the progressive side (think social justice as a primary focus). In my mid to late 40’s, I started asking myself different questions about religion and faith, went through an agnostic period, and was leaning toward atheism when my first husband died 11 years ago. I have called myself a humanist/atheist since then. I don’t believe that my husband’s death had much influence on that change. My second husband, who considered himself an atheist since attending a Catholic seminary high school, died 6 1/2 years ago. I continue to consider myself an atheist and I don’t believe that there is any afterlife. I believe that this is the only life we have. I hate being miserable, so I try to find as much good as I can muster. It hasn’t always been easy. Maureen

Oh, Fly, my friend - you have been gone for 3 years now! Jenny's dad is gone, too. I hear he was so heartbroken after your loss that he could not cope. I hear today that some family and friends move forward, yet others are suffering deeply. Your beloved daughter - is she 9 1/2 now? I hear she flourishes, yet misses you, her mom, and her grandfather. She has your spirit, your drive, your brilliance. My life is better for having known you. The world misses you. I wish I had more words. Maureen

My brother-in-law took my husband’s collection of second-hand bookstore bookmarks. Bookmarks! I realize they meant something to him. A connection to his brother. But he should have asked. We don’t know what goes through other people’s heads.

I don’t think it is unwise to be very cautious. I have a background in health care and I know many people on the front lines in COVID heavy parts of the country. I live in a rural area that has not been heavily impacted by the actual virus and everything has reopened with some restrictions. But very few people are observing effective social distancing. All we need is one case in an environment where people live or work in close quarters and we could become a county full of disease like the meat packing or prison counties not that far from where I live. I also work in higher education now. Many of our students are not liking the online format and really want the on-campus/face-to-face college experience. It is going to take time, but we will learn to live in a changed world and eventually, this will pass. I can understand that some students are delaying their college education until after the worst of this pandemic have passed. We aren’t there yet. Hang in there! Maureen

I don’t know if there is anything customary about reaching out to in-laws. Relationships with them are all different. You lost a husband. They lost a son. Those losses are also very different. They might find comfort in your gesture to reach out to them. If you do, try not to have any expectations from them. One hard part about our losses is that very few others remember these important days like we do. Would you like someone to reach out to you? If so, consider doing that for your in-laws. It might mend some of the rift. Who knows? Hugs to you as you get through the coming days. Maureen

It has been almost 11 years since I lost my first husband. Saturday will be our 28th wedding anniversary. It has been almost 6 1/2 years since I lost my second husband. Our 9th wedding anniversary was in March. Last night, I lay awake in bed remembering both of my guys. I was feeling sad and alone and missing them, although I have many more days now when I am not sad. You will likely always miss them and grief will be a part of the fabric of your life. Right now, things are hard. Perhaps very hard. I send big hugs. Maureen

Love2fish - I wish I could see a picture of you previous stack!

Do you feel comfortable starting a conversation with your dad and letting the topic come up amongst other things so it doesn’t feel pressured for either of you? There are lots of emotions with getting married after being widowed. Your dad might feel honored that you want to share some of your thoughts with him. When I remarried, we went to Hawaii and didn’t have any family present. These are your choices to make based on your own circumstances. I think you will come to a conclusion you are happy with! Maureen

Hi. Yes, this is very, very normal to miss sex, even if it has been awhile since you were able to be intimate with your husband while he was still with you. When we lose a spouse, we grieve many things. Those things we grieve rise to the surface at varying times for all of us. Sex is just one of them. We each cope with this differently. My only advice is to listen to your heart, your gut, your own moral compass when you decide how you address your personal needs and desires. That’s truly an across-the-board piece of advice. I will add a second piece of advice - to be gentle with yourself, especially if you have mixed emotions about how you feel and any decisions you make. Hugs to you, Maureen

So…here goes another ramble – something I have been known for in the past. Let’s just start by acknowledging that this site has been awfully quiet. I know that I check in frequently, but I rarely post, and I think there are many of us in the same place. For those of you who are more newly widowed, many of us here – and the originators of this site – migrated here about 5 years ago from a site called Young Widows Bulletin Board (YWBB) when it suddenly closed its virtual doors. We were all pretty devastated, as that board had become an amazing lifeline. We grieved that loss. I do believe that 5 years later, some of us are still grieving that loss. We are also 5 more years from our own losses, and our needs for widow support are not the same as they were “back in the day”. But – one of the things that made that site so valuable was the wisdom from those ahead of us on the widow road. Other things – the ability to connect with others in the same timeline – or with a similar kind of loss – or the ability to find others in our geographic areas to meet in person – these are all still possibilities, but I don’t know how much they are really happening. So - I propose that in this time of social distancing/isolation/quarantine/work from home/job loss and economic uncertainty – that we give this site a boost, start with a roll call for those who are comfortable, and avail ourselves of the opportunity to connect, since others in our local communities don’t have the experience to understand what we have been through or how things are magnified by our experiences of loss of a spouse or partner. I will start. My name is Maureen. (I have always felt comfortable sharing my first name – but you may not, and that is okay.) I live in western Kansas. I was widowed 10 ½ years ago at the age of 47 when my husband died of respiratory failure – the expected complications of a genetic neuromuscular disease called Spinal Muscular Atrophy. He was 53. At the time, I lived in Connecticut. I met my second husband on YWBB. I moved to Kansas to be with him and we were married in March of 2011. He unfortunately died in his sleep of unknown heart issues 6 years ago. He was 5 days shy of his 57th birthday. We had an incredible relationship that didn’t even give us 4 years together. I am incredibly grateful for all those I have met through YWBB and WIDDA and I keep in regular communication with a fairly large group of friends, although none live near me. I have met many, many of them in person over the last 10 years. But right now, I sit home alone with my dog Rosie. Please post with whatever information you feel comfortable sharing. Maureen (and furbaby Rosie)

Hi. I am so sorry you have joined our club. Losing your love is one of the hardest things a person has to endure. The pain is immense and overwhelming and it feels like it will swallow us up. This is so fresh for you. I will be honest - it isn’t going to get easier for some time. Sometimes we talk about surviving this one day at a time. Sometimes, we just get through one hour at a time. Sometimes - just one minute at a time. Some of us found that going back to work is a good thing. When I lost my first husband, I took 6 weeks off. I was in school when I lost my second husband, and I went back when the semester started 11 days later. There was something about needing to put one foot in front of the other that helped me get through each day. I hope you can find other widowed folks in your timeline and in your age range, even if they are virtual friends. I joined this club over 10 years ago and some of my best friends now are widowed folks I have met along the way. Be gentle with yourself. Hugs, Maureen

All I can say is that you have dated just one widow for 5 months. That doesn’t necessarily define all women or all widows or all of anything. There are many people - male, female, genderqueer, straight, gay, divorced, never married, widowed - whatever - who would not be ready to define a relationship as committed after 5 months. You wanted something that she wasn’t ready for and you made your decision to break things off. That is your prerogative. I wish you more success in your next endeavors.

I joined YWBB 10 years ago when I was 47. I don’t know what I would have done without it. I met some wonderful friends there. I also met my second husband through that site. Unfortunately, he died 6 years ago. My friends from that site saw me through my worst times. This site is much quieter than YWBB, likely due to the proliferation of social media options for support. I still read here often. It is Christmas Eve and I am reminiscing about past Christmases and missing my guys. Innocence is lost. Joy is muted. It all feels awkward on holidays. I hope everyone can find some comfort during this holiday season. Maureen

I’m going to agree with Mike here. This might even be a first. 😏 Maureen

Hi, Steph. I hear you! I have been widowed twice and have had very different experiences with grief. I was remarried 18 months after my first husband died. I don’t know how I was able to move forward so quickly back then, but it was all good. I married a wonderful man who was also widowed. Life was moving along gloriously. But less than 4 years after I met him, he died unexpectedly. 18 months after he died, I was pretty much a mess! Such different experiences. I wondered if I could ever be happy again. I persisted in putting one foot in front of the other. I moved, started a new career, then moved back again, trying to find the path to enlightenment, perhaps? What I do know is that 5+ years later, I am better than I was and life is getting to be more satisfying. Am I really happy? Not yet. But I now have hope that it is possible. Hang in there. Post to your heart’s content. This place is here just so you can do that and find others who understand. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, Kaycee. I’m sorry you are having to face this situation. It is difficult trying to navigate the grief of in-laws while managing your own needs, your late husband’s expressed desires, as well as moving forward in your own life. I remarried after losing my first husband; however, he was buried according to his family’s religious traditions. He had few desires about what happened after he died, except for wanting to be buried next to me. As I could not be buried in a cemetery for his religious faith, he was buried in the local town cemetery in the east coast state where we lived. I have a double stone on that plot. When I remarried, my second husband, who was a widower, decided with me that when we died, we would be cremated and have our ashes split and buried, half with our first spouse and half together. His wife was buried on the California coast. Unfortunately, I lost my second husband as well, and I did as he wanted and buried half of his ashes in California and half in the town where we lived together in the middle of the country. I now have my name on 2 grave stones. Perhaps for your mother-in-law’s sake, you can consider burying a portion of your late husband ‘s ashes in a place where she can visit? I know that I can feel very possessive of my relationships with my late husbands. I have never been a parent, but I know that both of my MIL’s also had very significant grief with the loss of their sons. My second MIL has since died. She was a very bitter woman for various reasons, and I chose to end contact with her 18 months after my husband died when she started blaming me for his death because I hadn’t been a nagging wife and didn’t make him go to doctors, etc. She lived at quite a distance and we didn’t have a significant relationship, so the lack of contact was not significantly noticed. You may not be able to restore a relationship with your MIL. You can’t control what she decides to do, or how she views your decision to move forward with your life. But you can hold your own head up and remain respectful and possibly contribute to what she feels she needs as a mother - which simply might be to hold onto whatever memory she has of her son and a way to have a way to memorialize him with something like a grave to visit. Best wishes to you! Maureen

It doesn’t sound silly to us. Sometimes, we need our own rituals when we make changes. I have moved after losing both of my husband’s and I let go of a lot of their property and joint property as well. Fortunately, it often feels better after you make the change. Perhaps take a photo or 2 for memory’s sake. Cry if you need to. Get your new couch and try to embrace the inevitable - that life moves forward and you might as well join in and try rebuilding. Hugs, Maureen

Hugs, Sugarbell. These days are hard enough on us as spouses, never mind the impact on your kids. Xoxo Maureen

Today marks 10 years since my first husband slipped into a coma and later died of respiratory failure, the consequences of a genetic neuromuscular disease called Spinal Muscular Atrophy. I can still remember the details of that last day, the last week, the last 16 months of medical challenge, and the 17+ years of marriage, the vast majority of which was wonderful, despite his significant disability. So very much has changed in the last 10 years. I had anticipated his early death since the day I met him. I know there are a few of us here who actually signed up to eventually become young widows, as we knew the potential from the beginning. I don't think any of us could have known the depth of pain that would come with our future losses, but I also imagine that most of us would have chosen to love our spouses all over again anyway. Love has a way of blinding us, doesn't it? My life has no resemblance to the one I was living 10 years ago. There has been more love and more loss since then as well. Rebuilding my life hasn't been and still is not easy. Somehow, I have found the gumption to keep putting one foot in front of the other and I have created a life for myself, although it does not yet have all the components I need for happiness. I continue to stretch and learn new things and I am trying to be more adventurous. I sometimes feel like a fuddy-duddy! In the last 10 years, I met someone new, fell in love, moved half a continent away from where I'd lived the majority of my life, remarried, left my career of 26 years, went back to school, was widowed again, earned 2 more degrees, and then moved back east near where I previously lived. I recently walked away from a work "opportunity" that was a good job for me, but the environment was toxic - even though it took over a year to find a job in my field, and I have moved back to my house in the Midwest where I lived with my second husband. I'm now doing something entirely new, not truly in my comfort zone, but in an environment that is supportive and with the potential to move to a different position in time. My first husband probably wouldn't recognize me! I miss him. As a matter of fact, today, I really miss both of my husbands. I'm going to go to a wildlife refuge with a friend and try to enjoy the present. The past still hurts... Maureen