Wheelerswife

Thanks, everyone. I wish that I hadn't had to renew my membership in this club. I'm working on living with the loss of both my guys. It will be 5 years in January for my second husband. My time at the cemetery on Saturday was necessary. I pulled up a chair and talked and cried and my car got blocked in by unthinking people in a funeral procession that drove into the cemetery. I took it as a message that I just needed to stay longer. Sunday, I got to spend some time with a wid friend. Monday came and the heaviness had dissipated. I know that happens...but it anniversaries seem to always feel so oppressive!

...I’ve been in this club. Sitting at the cemetery...remembering. Sigh Maureen

Xoxo to you, my old colleague. Saturday is 9 years for my first husband and it seems to be biting worse than last year. I’m glad you are in this better place for yourself today. My condolences to your husband and his family... Maureen

One year. My friend Fly has been gone for a full year. I miss him. Sigh.

I’m a little disappointed that I haven’t received accolades for my fire fighting skills. Just saying....

Awake on Sunday morning... no fog today. There is a nice view of a small bay from the deck of Loves2Fish’s condo. We have had a wonderful time this weekend with the biggest “event” being a wonderful dinner last night prepared by our own MrDrew and his assistant Hachi. We owe our thanks to Loves2Fish and his NG as well who welcomed us with hospitality and a surprise of prepared munchies and breakfast selections beyond anything we could have asked for. It has been great seeing old friends and meeting a couple of new people as well. If I could figure out how to post a picture, I would!

7 weeks is barely a drop of water in a big puddle. Sadly, I think you will continue to feel intense pain for more time. In 7 months, you might feel less intense pain. It will take even more time for you to feel like you can bear the pain of losing him. I can’t tell you just when it will be more bearable, but I have lived through this twice, and I can tell you that I have survived. You will, too. Hugs, Maureen

CW...I am bringing some eggs from the organic farm a couple doors down from me. Otherwise, I'm guessing we will eat out or decide on a menu and hit the grocery store.

Toosoon, TFO is supposedly on an island at the moment....

I've got your number, hachi!

I expect to arrive Friday, too. Leaving from work at 4:30. Two and a half hour drive in good traffic. I’m not necessarily expecting good traffic on a Friday afternoon, though!

Bummer, Rudi.

It has been a while since I have posted much here, so I figured I would throw some thoughts together. I think this will end up being another rambling post…I seem to be good at that. I know that I spent time lamenting that I was in limbo…trying to make a move back to the east coast and find a job in a new career field. I am now about 6 months into my new job as an academic advisor at a small private college. I am renting a house and I have developed new routines and life feels much more settled. I like my job and I like having the sense of purpose again. This part of my life is moving forward, and I have a great sense of relief about that. I am closer to family now. My parents are 91 and 81, and I can see them every couple of months, but I am not so close that I have any responsibility for them on a day-to-day basis. They are still functioning together (dad has memory loss) and don’t really need outside help. We have our philosophical differences…and this distance helps us to avoid confrontation. That is a relief, too. I am also closer to old friends. I have renewed a couple of old friendships and I see some of my widow friends on occasion. It is good to be able to get together for bagos…like the weekend bago that is planned in Maine for next weekend. (Thanks to Loves2Fish, who I have yet to meet!) I have also met a couple new friends…one the mother of my hairdresser. She is a new widow. I’m approaching the 9th anniversary of my first husband’s death in 2 weeks. I’m back near where we lived, and I have more contact with his 88-year old frail mother. I have been in touch with my husband’s best friend from middle school, who has been checking in on me since I moved back east. Somehow, it feels like this anniversary is going to bite harder than the 8th anniversary. A year ago, yesterday, I spoke for the last time with my friend Fly, a widower I came to know through this board. He was dying of lung cancer at the age of 39, and he was losing his ability to talk because of breathlessness and coughing. He died on September 18th. Our last interaction was a text on the 17th, when he said goodbye, knowing he didn’t have much time left. I miss him and his wisdom and the challenge he was to me. Sigh. Today, I met with my first “best friend” from my days up to kindergarten. I had not seen her since we were about 13. Our parents were friends when we were young, and my siblings and I played with her and her siblings…doing what young children of poor parents did in “the olden days”. We played outside a lot…or with the few toys we had, or we walked to the beach. My family moved away when I was 6. When we were 10, a house fire killed my friend’s mother, leaving her father widowed with 5 kids under age 11. It was recommended that he put his children up for adoption. He did not. It was recommended that they just try to go on living. Dad turned to alcohol. He married his wife’s half-sister a year later. His 2 sons had behavioral problems and her father followed recommendations that he put his boys in a boarding school run by (what turned out to be pedophile) priests. One of his sons finally ended his misery 8 years ago by jumping off a cliff. There is more…but I think that is more than enough. For all of you parents who work so hard to console your children and raise them without your spouse/partner…I take my hat off to all of you. I’m so grateful that life has changed from 1972 when the advice given a widower was to put his children up for adoption or into a strict boarding school (pedophilia aside). I shake my head for my old friend and her father and siblings. My heart goes out to all of you! Hugs, Maureen

I have some widowed friends from the old board who live in Clarksville. I wonder if they would be interested in getting together.

You ask so many good questions. You are in deep pain and at this point, it all feels so overwhelming. When we lose a spouse/partner, we do lose that part of us that was a part of a couple. I know I miss this terribly, but, in time, I have come to the place where I don’t want to live only in the past. Some widowed people don’t want to find another partner in their lives. That is okay for them. Others find that they don’t want to live alone or without a partner. That is okay for those people. I recently told a widower friend from Australia that it does nothing to honor the memory of his late wife if he doesn’t try to live his own life to its fullest. Living life fully means different things to different people. Right now, your job is essentially to just keep going. Remember, honor, grieve, read, write, love your kids, just put one foot in front of the other. You will eventually be ready to ponder other questions. Take your time. There is no prescribed timeline for any of us. Hugs to you, Maureen

Hi, Roosy, I am sorry you are left in this unsettling predicament. It has to hurt - regardless of the circumstances. However, if you look at the bigger picture, this employment situation certainly wasn’t feeding your soul in many ways. This is is the time when you get to frame your forward movement. You now have the time to seek a position that serves you better. This may (or may not) take some time, but I’m hoping that you will find yourself in a position that utilizes your skills and talents and benefits you on personal and professional levels. If you are going to prepare for interviews, get your rhetoric down and move forward with confidence. You wanted to be in a more compatible position and decided to take the steps needed to find better opportunities. Hang in there! Maureen

Hi, Newtothis, First of all, welcome. I’m glad you feel like you can use this forum to express yourself. I haven’t lost a spouse in the manner that you have, but I have been widowed twice. Please do not think you have to figure this all out and heal in a specific timeframe. Those of us with losses that are well, less complicated, we don’t pull ourselves together overnight or in 3 months or even 3 years. Please don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself. It seems to me that you are really addressing your situation in a healthy way at this point and you should take credit for that. I feel for you and your children and I hope you continue to find this place safe for you to express what you need and hopefully others in similar circumstances will feel more comfortable as well. Hugs, Maureen

Welcome to Widda! You have a question that a lot of people think about. I was 6 months out after losing my first husband when I met my second husband. We were married a year later. That is definitely on the quick side. We were not “dating” when we met. But we just clicked. He was also widowed. It has been 4 1/2 years since my second husband died and I am just now starting to consider dating. That is a 4 year difference in the same person! I don’t know if you are looking for advice, but I would tell you to listen to your gut, protect your heart, and just be safe. Hugs to you, Maureen

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Hi, Sc39, Sadly, this has been the experience of a lot of us. People go back to their relatively uninterrupted lives and we are left - still quite stunned - and the world keeps going and we can barely figure out how to breathe. There is a metaphor that I have heard that brings this home for me. When our someone close to us has a serious illness or death, it is like having one's house burned down. The firefighters come and put out the flames and the community rallies and then the firefighters go back to the firehouse and wait for the next fire. Firefighters are so critical and they provide a wonderful service, but they don't have the kind of resources/resourcefulness to keep up that level of involvement in our situation. Then...there are the builders. They are the ones - and many fewer in number - who are there to walk us through the difficult process of rebuilding. These people are particularly precious, because they have the patience and strength to walk with us through the long process of grieving. To find someone - family members or friends - who can tolerate the discomfort and our tears and our fickleness, and the angst we feel - these people are gifts to us. One of the reasons that a website like this exists is because most people we know do not know this kind of pain and they truly cannot fathom it. WE didn't know what it was like before our spouses/partners died. Some people have a greater capacity for empathy than others, and so some people who have not walked in our shoes manage to figure out how to offer support. In my experience, people have needed direction in order to be helpful. I have been widowed twice - and I had the wonderful gift of having good widowed friends when I lost my second husband. I had also found my voice and was able to speak to people, offer somewhat gentle correction to their misconceptions, and I was much better at telling people what I needed. You may find that you will need to find your voice. is there someone in your life that you can be frank with? Someone who can handle your emotions? I was comfortable telling one of my friends that I was overwhelmed with offers for food - and that person then passed on that information to others. Before I went back to work after my first husband died, I met with my boss and asked her to speak to my colleagues to tell them not to ask me how I was doing (the answer was "crappy"), but also to not walk on eggshells around me. When my second husband died, I actually stood up in front of his faculty and students (he was a professor) and I told them I hoped they would talk about him, tell me stories, and even cry with me. That helped other people to grieve his loss in a healthier way, too. I imagine that at this time, all you can do is relive the last weeks and days and hours of your husband's life, try to keep your kids fed, and grab whatever sleep will come to you. You should not be expected to be okay right now. Moving forward consists of getting up in the morning and doing whatever rote activities you can accomplish, making small decisions, pinching yourself to realize that this isn't just a bad dream, and making it through each hour. Hugs to you...keep reading and writing. Maureen

Hugs to you! This is so fresh and incredibly painful. I worked in health care and didn't recognize that my husband was in heart failure - apparently for months. He died in his sleep without apparently realizing anything was wrong with him. I have come to realize that we all have done the best we knew under the circumstances we were in. If you or your husband had suspected that something was seriously wrong, you would have done something different. If I had any inkling that my husband was in heart failure, I would have strongly encouraged him to see a doctor. But...he was a fully competent adult - and your husband a doctor - and they didn't know. As far as living with this...it will be hard for awhile. I still talk out loud to my husband on occasion and ask him why he had to die. We may not like it at first, but over time, we adapt to the life we have in front of us. For the time being, just worry about today...or even the next hour. You have made it through 18 days. You will make it through the rest of them, too. Keep coming here and writing to your heart's content. Maureen

I might have to play it by ear, CW. I’m game for Friday night if everything falls into place. Probably couldn’t be there before 7 PM.

Welcome to our family. I'm so sorry you had to join in. There is a lot in your story that I can relate to...the vigil with a sedated/comatose spouse in his last hours, making decisions to give him more sedative medication to assure his comfort and likely hasten his last breaths, knowing that he is no longer suffering. I have said before that I was very prepared for my (first) husband to die...but not prepared for him to be dead. My husband died in the hospital, and I went home a couple of hours later, walked in and sat on our bed and said to myself, "This is the day I have dreaded for a long time. It is here." It just isn't possible to anticipate how you will feel once he is gone. The hours and days and weeks will evolve from this point and unfold as they will. It will be a sad walk for quite awhile, but I assure you you will get through what you need to get through. I'm glad you found us. Things I wish I knew on Day 2: Drink a lot of water in the coming weeks. Eat when you can, sleep when you can, love on your kids, and take whatever help that is offered to you. Try to be patient with the people who say things that are insensitive (they are doing their best in an uncomfortable situation). If you feel comfortable, tell those close to you what you need from them. Let them take care of household chores, entertain your kids, and help you with anything from preparing pictures, making sure your bills are paid, or coordinating all the people who are wanting to cook meals for your family. Respect the grief of your husband's family and others, but don't let them run all over you or try to get you to part with his property. This can always wait until later when you are more ready to move his shoes, throw out his toothbrush, or give away his favorite jacket. You might be comforted by the presence of items that were his...or not. You are the rightful owner of his property now, unless he expressly decided otherwise. Protect your home as your sanctuary. Read here, post to your heart's content. We have all been in similar shoes, and we are alive to witness to our survival. Hugs to you, Maureen