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JustMom1215

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  • Date Widowed
    November 15, 2007
  • Cause of death
    Congenital heart problems

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  1. So hard to believe it ahs been 11 years, I miss him so very much. November 15th will always be a hard day for me. This is a video like we had played at the services. The song was always one of his very favorite songs. https://youtu.be/O3E3zsfrV0g
  2. I really just need to vent, and maybe some of you will understand. My husband passed away over 10 1/2 years ago, I have been remarried to wonderful man for 9 years. My husbands mom passed away last Saturday quite suddenly. She was a wonderful lady and all her kids spouses were her kids too. What I want to vent about is a brother in laws wife....she has never accepted me, she is best friends with my husbands ex. I know part of it is my perception of things, but I also know she has never really accepted me as family. Anyway, she has taken some kind counseling class, and she knows it all. She was saying we really need to keep dad busy, all the time. I said from experience, sometimes you may need time to yourself to process or whatever. She tells me...but you were not married 59 years, this is different. A couple days later she just happens to mention she got her text books out and and they say to keep them busy. But have the writers of the text books ever been thru the death of spouse? It was just very frustrating, I vent to my husband quite a bit about the sister in law, but don't want to overdo it. I truly understand, that Dad's grief is different than mine, everybody's grief journey is different. What I talked to my husband about is we need to let dad guide us in what we do, be available to talk or whatever when he needs us, but also be sensitive to the fact he may not want us hovering all the time. I know she has good intentions, but I also feel like she refuses to listen to anything that is not what she wants to do. I do have a friend who is a grief counselor, and she told me that we were thinking the right way. I really do realize there are differences between losing a spouse after 23 years compared to 59 years. But I still think that maybe I have a little understanding of what it like to lose a spouse. Thanks for letting me vent;
  3. 10 years ago today was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, at that time I really didn't know how I would make it, there were times in my deepest grief that I didn't know if I wanted to make it. I just wanted to wake up and find out it was all just a very bad dream. I told God so many time God, you messed up this time, you know this wasn't supposed to happen. I wanted to just throw rocks at God and tell him I was so very angry with him. Yes, I wanted to yell at God and make Him feel the pain I was feeling. I was hurt, I was angry, I was sad, I was scared. How was I going to face life without Rod? I was I going to make decisions without him? Why did God even think I could handle this? So many questions and I didn't think I had an answer to any of them. But I did, it was God, my heavenly father, he loved me then more than I could ever imagine, and still does. God knew my hurt, he knew my heart was shattered in a way I thought could not be repaired. He knew just how alone I felt. He was there and caught every tear I shed, held me throughout every sleepless night. When I felt like there was no way I could go on, He held me up. When I couldn't sleep or was just plain hurting, I would write a letter to God. I found the notebooks again a couple of months ago. This is what I wrote a couple of weeks after Rod had died. Dear God God today was another VERY hard day. It was so hard going around closing all of his accounts. I just feel like I had way too much piled on my plate. I really didn't count on this being part of the bargain. I feel so alone. I miss Rod so much. WHY GOD WHY did he have to die? I need him here, I need one of his hugs. I need him to hold me. God, I feel so very lost without him. This hurts so much right now, I just feel like I can't go on. I have tried so very hard to be strong, but I can't anymore. I need him to me, but, that just won't happen. I need a hug, I need a kiss, I need to hear I love you one more time. I don't understand, God, I simply do not understand why this had to happen. Why did Rodney have to die? WHY GOD WHY?? Why now why not in 30 years. Why couldn't we have dies together? God, I need to feel loved again, I need a Rodney hug. Please tell him I love him and miss him. Do I ever miss him. God, I need a comforter now, I know I need sleep, but tonight, I just don't know if that will come. I feel lost and out of place, I don't feel like I belong. Please be with me and comfort me.
  4. This is a song a friend had posted to her facebook, it is a very moving song, and thought I would share it.
  5. Today is nine years, and having a hard time today. Miss him so much.
  6. Just thinking about 32 years ago about now, Rodney and I were going on our first date He met me at work and followed me home. For some reason as we stepped up on the porch I grabbed his hand over my shoulder and pulled him in behind me. I looked at my parents and said "look what followed me home! Can I keep him???" I kept him, we were married for 23 years, still keep him tucked in my heart.
  7. she finally texted me back, seems the assistant manager told her that I wasn't feeling well..where she got that I have no idea..I feel fine and never mentioned not feeling well at all...she also said that I had said I didn't need full time...told her I don;t need 40 hours a week, but 25-30 would be good. Just AAARRGGHHH!
  8. I guess I need to just rant a little here.....things have seemed different at work lately, thought it was because I had missed a couple weeks of work with a really bad cold. This week I was only scheduled about 12 hours (usually around 30) thought she was just trying to let me come back slowly. Well, just got the schedule for next week and I am scheduled a whopping 5 hours. I have texted her and asked her if there was a reason that I wasn't being given many hours, so far she has not responded. As far as I know there has not been any problems with my work, I show up and am on time. I do my job and am very good to the customers. Nothing has been said to lead me to believe that I am not doing my job well. It is just really frustrating. I know I don't "fit in" with most of the others that work there. Several of them like to "party" together, and I am not a partier. I am just thinking that if I only get like 5 hours a week, it isn't really worth it, but, at the same time, if she is using this to get me to leave, then I don;t want to just leave and make it easy on her. I just don' :-\t know what to do .
  9. Well, sitting here thinking about eight years ago, it was eight years ago today that I had to say "so long" to Rod, coming up on eight years to the exact time. We had had a really good day that day, lots of really good things happening. Rod was able to enjoy some great times with both of our kids, and got to see both of them have one of their dreams come true. Heather had been able to help produce a TV show at OU, and James had received his ACT score and he had scored high enough to go to the college he was wanting to attend. We had also been able to enjoy a very nice relaxing evening together. All in all it had been a really good day. Actually we had been able to enjoy so many things for several months, we had been so blessed. I did not realize at the time just how God was working in our lives. In the weeks and months following Rod's death, I began to see and understand just how God had been working in our lives, preparing the way for us. At the time we were simply "living life". Doing the things we needed and wanted to do, not recognizing at that time the fingerprints of God. We had an older vehicle with a lot of miles on it, and decided to trade it in on a newer more dependable car. Rodney had a friend that was training to sell life insurance and let him practice on us. We decided to purchase a policy, at the time other than a small policy he had thru his employer. We were also considering moving to an apartment, and had one picked out, a nice apartment in a safe complex with security. I had started a started a new part time job about August of that year and had out of the blue was offered a promotion and full time, something we were not expecting. So many things with God's fingerprints all over them, and we did not realize it at all at the time. God knew what our needs were going to long before we knew we even had needs I still remember so many things about that evening, I made Bacon Swiss Burgers for supper. Rod, James and I were sitting at the kitchen table enjoying our supper. Heather and Orin had left to go to her grandparents for a visit. While we were eating Rod looked at James and told him "be good to your momma, take care of your momma. Remember, you are not promised tomorrow. He looked at me and said "You are my very best friend". He had also been able to talk to his parents on the phone, and got to tell both of them he loved them. James had left to go to a youth lock in at his friend's church, so we had the house to ourselves. We were enjoying a quiet relaxing evening, he was doing some stuff on the computer and I was working on a scrapbook of our wedding pictures. We decide to go to bed a little early because we were both a little tired. I remember him taking me in his arms, looking in my eyes and saying with so much emotion "I love you more that words could ever tell", I told him I loved him, he kissed me, then he collapsed. I thought he was just teasing me at first, pretending to be asleep. I shook him and he didn't respond, something he would do sometimes just to tease me. I then took my fingers and opened an eye and said "hello", usually this is when he would start laughing. This time, he didn't, I realized something was really very wrong. Ironically, I called 911 at 9:11. They had me do CPR, until the paramedics arrived, I have wondered many times, did I do it right? Could the outcome have been different? I do know I did my best. They worked for quite some time to bring him back. I tried to stay out of the way and called a good friend/coworker of Rod. Tim went by the church and got James, and come to the house. I was making phone calls calling his parents, our pastor, my family, just getting people to pray. I think this is when I was just trying to stay busy, not wanting to be told what I already knew. But still God's fingerprints are there. All along God was orchestrating things, so I would have the support I needed. In the weeks and months that followed, there were times I felt so alone, so angry at God for doing this, I mean we were supposed to have forever together. So many times I just really wanted to throw rocks at God. I told HIm, "God you really messed up this time..you know this was not supposed to happen. I wanted to yell at God. But you know what God done, so many times, I was able to crawl up in God's lap like a scared littlechild, God wrapped His arms around me and just held me. It was okay that I was angry, hurt and confused. God was there, and he loved me. Once again, the fingerprints of God in a situation that could seem hopeless, but not because of God. Will I ever "get over" Rod's death, no. I will never get over it, I will never quit missing him. But, I have gone on and will continue to live my life. As I live my life, yes God's finger prints will still be in my life. Like a couple lines in some of my favorite moves, the Love Comes Softly series. "The truth of God's love is not that He allows bad things to happen, it's his promise that he will be there with us--when they do." Missing someone isn't about how long it's been since you've seen them last or the amount of time since you've talked..it's about that very moment when you are doing something and you wish that they were right there with you. Yes there are times I still wish Rod could be here, but then again, there is no way I could wish him away from Heaven. One of the verses I have leaned on in past 8 years, and it is actually one of my very favorite verses is 1 Corithinthians 2:9 9But as it is written:?Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, Nor have entered into the heart of man The things which God has prepared for those who love Him.? (NKJV) I am so very thankful for the wonderful gift of salvation, I know I will see Rod again and it will be a sweet reunion. God has been so very good to me my entire life. I am not saying it has all been wonderful, I have been thru some very rough and heartbreaking times. I know there will be more to come. God does not promise us that we will not go thru hard times, He does however promise to be there with us when they do. I know some say that God won't give us more than we can handle, not sure I totally agree with this, I think it is more like He won't give us more than he will help us handle. Sometimes the tough times are the ones where we learn the most and gain the most strength. Sometimes during the tough times we learn more about God's character. GOd has blessed my life in so many ways, my 23 years I was able to enjoy with Rod was just a very small part of it. I have two wonderful kids. They are both such a blessing, I am very proud of both of them, and I know Rod would be too. I can just see him elbowing Jesus and saying "did you see that Jesus? That was MY kid". I have remarried and Ron, the man God brought into my life is truly a blessing. He is always so patient with me. He has and understanding when I have my "moments" when one of my and Rod's special days come along. Oh, and how could I forget those two grandkids, we have the coolest grandson in the world and the sweetest granddaughter in the world. I really don' t know what I ever done to deserve so many blessings. But, I am so thankful that I can look back and see all the "fingerprints of God" all throughout my life. So glad He has always and will always be there guiding each and every step of my life.
  10. ALRIGHT, HERE GOES. I?M OLD. WHAT THAT MEANS IS THAT I?VE SURVIVED (SO FAR) AND A LOT OF PEOPLE I?VE KNOWN AND LOVED DID NOT. I?VE LOST FRIENDS, BEST FRIENDS, ACQUAINTANCES, CO-WORKERS, GRANDPARENTS, MOM, RELATIVES, TEACHERS, MENTORS, STUDENTS, NEIGHBORS, AND A HOST OF OTHER FOLKS. I HAVE NO CHILDREN, AND I CAN?T IMAGINE THE PAIN IT MUST BE TO LOSE A CHILD. BUT HERE?S MY TWO CENTS. I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don?t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don?t want it to ?not matter?. I don?t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can?t see. As for grief, you?ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you?re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it?s some physical thing. Maybe it?s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it?s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don?t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you?ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what?s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything?and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it?s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O?Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you?ll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don?t really want them to. But you learn that you?ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you?ll survive them too. If you?re lucky, you?ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks. ~ by GSnow
  11. Lot's of memories hitting today. Today was one of Rodney's favorite days, the day of the Indy 500. He loved to watch racing, we were able to attend the Indy 500 several times, he had actually bought season tickets so we could go to all the races at the track. When people would tease him about shouldn't you be at church, he would smile and say "hey, I am thanking God he gave man the knowledge to make those wonderful race cars". It didn't matter if we were at the track or sitting home in our living room watching, when he heard those, as he called them, magical words "GENTLEMEN START YOUR ENGINES", we would scream with a high squeaky voice, YEEEAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! and our daughter used to tell him, "dad you sound like a constipated chicken". Man, I miss him. Yes, I am so very blessed in my life, have many great things, I have remarried and have the most considerate and understanding husband I could ever ask for, I still miss Rodney, I always will.
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