Dave had heart issues and he had a simple pacemaker. The doctors said he couldn't be operated on until his risk level changed. We would wait for a heart attack and when it happened if he survived we would try an experimental procedure that may help him. In early March, seven years ago, I heard him fall in the middle of the night. I did CPR until the aid car arrived. They shocked him twice and then the true roller coaster ride began. He got the special procedure at the U of WA. It was successful. We began to recover. He was himself again after a time then he would slow down and we would go back to the hospital to get another stent or angioplasty. He was still inoperable but we always had hope. He ended up with nine stents in his heart over the next five years. We had the aid car here picking him up over 30 times.
We had numerous times when the doctors told us to call the family because he wouldn't make it thru the night. We were blessed with many miracles. Then he passed. I had five years of bonus time. It was not easy but it gave us time to plan. He planned for his death and made as many arrangement to take care of us as he possibly could. I grieved for our lost life while cherishing the moments we still had. We discussed, way too much, how I would live after he was gone. I cared for him at home in hospice for twelve weeks. We had our finances in order, funeral insurance and he talked to his friends and he selected the speakers and music for his funeral. I thought I was ready. I didn't want it to happen but it wasn't up to me. I thought I had so much time to prepare it was going to be ok.
I said I was ready for him to be at peace but in truth I was not ready for him to be gone. The idea of death and the reality of it are two entirely different things. The sudden silence was too much to bear. Our home had been constantly filled with family, friends and laughter and then nothing. I do think some of the anticipatory grieving helped my process but it still happened again at full strength when death actually occurred.
