Wandasmom

Thank you for your post Klim. It was good for me to read it because I am dealing with a 14 yr old who is really struggling and, on some days, I'm not sure how I can endure for long enough to see him through to adulthood. It really helps to hear from others who have made it through the struggles and are now seeing some positive outcomes. My son is also introverted and withdrawn (he won't eat school lunch because it would mean that he has to deal with the servers who are other students) and at home he just holes up in his room and only comes out to pop some frozen food in the microwave--doesn't even want to eat dinner with his brother and me. It is hard to tell how much is caused by puberty or the pressures of school and social situations and how much is from grief but it is a turbulent ride to be on and it changes almost hourly. Sometimes he seems responsible and pleasant and then without warning he starts raging about something and refuses to do his homework. As parents of teens, I'm sure you are all familiar with the Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde routine. Thinking about how his life would be different if his dad was still around is almost unbearable for me. As does thinking about how much his dad is missing by not being around to see how his sons are growing into young men. It really stinks that our kids have to grow up without one of the people who loved them most. I know that they are adaptable and may even be stronger because of this but what a heartache they have to carry along the way and for the rest of their lives. So, keep posting about your good news. It's very heartening to hear about! And give yourself a pat on the back for doing such a good job. We all should give ourselves a lot of credit for doing this parenting job and doing it solo.

I can totally relate to this Mrskro. Approaching 3 years myself, I miss him more than ever. I keep thinking "okay, I've done this single parent and head of household thing long enough and I want to have my old life back. I want my kids to have their dad and I want my mate." And do I ever get angry and sad thinking about how he is missing seeing his sons grow into such great kids. He would have enjoyed them so much. And fhey lost their biggest cheerleader and this person who had an encyclopedic knowledge of things who could have taught them so much about the world and expanded their horizons. They are missing out on so much. It just isn't fair. We all deserve a lot of credit for doing the best we can without our best friends and partners. It's just so hard to think about how things could have been.

Thanks for the suggestions Rob and Sojourner. I like the idea of saying things have to change, there has to be progress, and then letting him be part of brainstorming about what options might help. And maybe if it is a plan that we come up with together rather than just me (or other adults) insisting what he should do, it will go over better. He had a check-up this week and I asked his pediatrician to talk with him about the idea of counseling and he actually got him to agree to at least try it. So maybe there is some hope.

Thanks Julester for all the good suggestions. I will start to interview some therapists and even if he doesn't end up going, maybe I can get some help with coping as a parent. One of the kids at school who lost his dad went to the Experience Camp in Maine which is for boys who have lost a parent or guardian and he loved it. It's a free camp and I tried to get them interested but neither wants to go. They would rather stay home and be with their friends. I think you are right that the combination of him being an independent teen and a non-communicative boy will make this challenging. Thanks for the ideas and encouragement.

I need some help/advise for getting my 14 yr old son to therapy. He was 12 when his dad died and neither he nor his brother wanted to do therapy but we attended an 8 week session for grieving kids/families. Since then he has had meltdowns and temper tantrums sometimes resulting in broken doors and furniture. The triggers are usually fights with his brother or difficulties with school work. He is a slow worker and a bit of a perfectionist and gets frustrated about not getting assignments done. Normally a good student, he struggled with a couple of classes this past year and when I asked for help from school, they did some tutoring and evaluations and concluded that he needs therapy for anxiety and depression. Maybe I am in denial but I think that puberty and the immense homework load take some of the blame. Anyway, he doesn't think therapy would be useful, detests talking about his feelings and has let me know that he absolutely won't go. I have tried to convince him that it would help to get some coping mechanisms for stressful times but he doesn't buy it. If I don't do something to get help for him over the summer, I think we may have the same issues with school next year. Anyone have any luck in getting a resistant teen to therapy? I don't want this to be another fight between us or a bad experience for him.

TooSoon, I loved your art history lesson and explanation of "ka". I always find it so hard to wrap my head around how, when a person dies, all that is in their head (all the information and memories) and all the energy and spirit and emotions that made them who they were just disappears when they die. And all that is left is their physical body. How could they be so FULL of life and then it is all gone. But I agree that their spirit is still around us and that it is up to us to keep that spirit alive, which is what I am trying to do for my kids. My husband was one of those "larger than life" people so the void we are living with is immense. And though it seems like an impossible task sometimes, I am trying to keep his "presence" with us as we continue on without him. I can't express it as well as you did and in fact, I had tears in my eyes when I read your description of Scott's "vital essence" in your last post. Even still, I have been hesitant to do anything with his ashes. Heck, I still have his towel hanging in the bathroom and his coats and hats and shoes in the hallway after 2 1/2 years. But all your stories of spreading ashes in the far corners of the world or not so far but special places is giving me courage to do the same some day.

ThalginsLuv-- thanks for your response. I?m looking into counseling but you?re right about him not wanting to go. We?re in a family grief group and every week he resists because he doesn?t see the point. Your ideas are great. He does like sports and he is in a drama club at school in a play that has a lot of action (like a battle scene) so that helps as an outlet. He does have a lot of interests so keeping him focused on a project or activity that he likes is a great idea. I know that I cope better when I am busy. I just read in a book about providing a safe place for tantrums with bubble wrap to stamp on and magazines to tear and pillows to punch. I?m impressed with your brother?s motivation to do all those things without the guidance and companionship of a dad. I hate to think of all the things that my boys won?t be learning from their dad but I know they will figure it out for themselves (like your brother) or get help from friends and neighbors. I can see a lot of their dad?s traits in them and know that even at their relatively young age, they had learned enough from their dad to help steer them through the rest of their lives. Probably the same with your brother. Mel4072-- thanks for your advice. I need to keep my cool and not get upset when he is in a rage. You?re right, it?s like riding out a storm. Once he calms down and we talk, he is back to normal and is pleasant and even helpful. He just needs to get it out of his system. It is tough raising teens and pre-teens and it is a little daunting to think that I will be doing it solo. But it?s great to have some guidance from those of you who?ve done it.

I have twin 12 yr olds who couldn?t be more different. My one son can talk about his feelings and cry about missing his dad. He tries hard to be responsible and helpful. He can read my level of stress and sadness and often comforts me. He?s always been really sweet in that way. His brother, on the other hand, is not good at expressing feelings and his outlet for his grief is anger. He gets really angry-- screaming, slamming doors, throwing chairs kind of angry. He doesn?t try to hurt anyone and I don?t think he would. He looks a little surprised sometimes after this happens. He also refuses to be helpful and responsible at times (just testing me I guess). It is totally unacceptable behavior but knowing what is behind it, I have a hard time disciplining him for it. Once he calms down, I try to talk with him about how we are all reacting to our stress and sadness in different ways but I have a hard time dealing with it as it happens. Any advice for how to deal with this behavior that stems from your kid?s grief and their not knowing how to deal with it?

Hi everyone, I am a migrant from the ywbb. I am at almost 4 months and post occasionally but mostly read and get great comfort from what others post. I've been finding that the loneliness is unbearable even though there are people around me who are willing to listen at times (but not many who truly understand and know how to be supportive). It does help to talk with others in the same boat--I've joined a loss of spouse support group and am grateful to have this forum. There are so many people here who are so good at expressing their feelings and so often it is exactly what I am feeling. And I am truly inspired by hearing about how others are finding ways to cope. Thanks to all who got this forum up and going!

I am at 3 1/2 months and feeling desperately lonely. I feel like I have no one to talk to even though I have my 2 sons at home and friends and neighbors who say call whenever you need to and am in 2 support groups. None of those people can fill the void. None of them can help me sort out my thoughts, or help me make the big decisions that my husband would have been part of, or have the insight on things that are happening to our family. Further, it feels like this is the time when all those people who offered to help have gotten on with their lives and are no longer reaching out to me. Leaving my sons' basketball tournament this weekend was so painful. All the other kids were with their dads and moms and we were going home dad-less. The car was so quiet and the idea that it would be only the 3 of us when we got home was unbearable. He was so full of life, so full of ideas and interesting stories, so full of knowledge about all sorts of things. Our life is so quiet now.