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  1. Beryl

    Loneliness is a killer

    Good Morning... I like what Julestar3 wrote too-and btw, think it is excellent advice. I am going to hang art in "my" bedroom tomorrow actually, and am actively looking to switch out the sheets/comforter/etc and call the room my own. That may include changing up the shades and maybe changing the paint color, but keeping the furniture and placement of the things as they are. I started bagging up some clothes, but not all. I've decided to do that in many stages as the year progresses. I know my husband would want others to benefit from his clothes asap. He was not one to dwell or look in the rear-view mirror. He was also not a religious person, but I've found a tremendous amount of solace in my own Faith as well as other Faiths...so I've become a little pan-faithful. :) In particular, I like the Buddhist perspective of staying in the present moment and appreciating it for all it is even if it only offers a rough/sad quality to it. I find that allowing anything to come up is healing and it allows it to fluidly move out of me rather than stay and take up a "home" if you will. I say this now. I'm just shy of 3 months out and this is what works in this moment. I too have many regrets and wish we could have been in a place to discuss "What-ifs" but in my situation, that would not have been at all possible, and maybe that is all for the best. I will create a full, real new life on my own and trust that I am blending what he would have wanted with my own on this new path. Know that you did the best you could in a very difficult and painful situation. He did too. I have a feeling you were a Godsend to him and maybe he wouldn't have been up to discussing "What ifs" and you granted him a huge peaceful favor by not going there. Some people cannot cope thinking about death at all-I know with my Mother, it NEVER came up-I'm pretty sure my father never brought it up at all. We helped her most by helping her fight the cancer and concentrating our efforts with that and prayed for recovery. That's OK too. I feel certain you will intuit what his wishes would be if he was talking to you directly now. Can you continue to run the business (or do you want to?) I think there are others on this Board that shared businesses with their spouses, btw, so maybe search through some older posts. You may find some good useful information there on continuing it if possible and you wish to, or not. I am going back to work FT (I was primarily a SAHM) and luckily I think I have just found a dream job. Like Julestar3, I tend to go to bed late now (between 12midnight-1am) because I know I'll fall asleep very quickly and sleep soundly. I get up at a reasonable hour again (between 7-8am) just to make sure that cycle is good for each successive night, as I was falling asleep way too late (one night at 4:30am after keeping a girlfriend on the phone with me one night early into this) but also getting up late too..which is not helpful and made me much more depressed. I know why I was doing it as I'd mentioned in my first post; getting thru the THUD! of reality is difficult. But as of this week, things are even changing slowly for the better there too. I look forward to your next post. -Beryl
  2. Beryl

    Loneliness is a killer

    Hi AveMaria, I thought what Portside (Mike) wrote is just lovely- and thank you...Portside. (I'm not a Catholic, but found that particular passage re : St Seton comforting). It's interesting, I am the reverse of you; I find the night time much easier than the morning when I awake with an unwelcome Thud! of reality. My Mother passed away from pancreas cancer, so I have some understanding of how the stomach cancers go; I'm so very sorry to read about your loss of your beloved husband. I'm quite new to being a Widow (difficult to type that word out) too. It is lonely. It is sometimes unbearable, but I try to go out in Nature on the very sad days and just be still and watch beauty around me. I guess I'm lucky that my lonely feeling comes during the day so I can go outside and sit while the light is out. I'd like to point out something that Mike wrote about successful marriages ending in Death. All marriages end in death. Even the unsuccessful ones by way of divorce, so the very fact we are married means we will go through this experience, one way or another just by merit of being a married person. Know that you were a great comfort to your husband. This is a painful difficult cancer, and I learned to be grateful that if my Mom had to fight it, and endure it, it lasted less than a year and she wasn't in grueling pain anymore, despite my missing her so much. I hope tonight and the successive nights become a tiny bit easier as as they go by. We still have our memories. Another something to be grateful for. Wishing you peace, -Beryl
  3. Hi Jessica, I wanted to wish you a good move (with the dogs) as it is the very end of July today and I hope you are either already in transit or moved in entirely. That is a lot to have on your plate. When does the new job start? Raleigh is supposed to be a wonderful city. Wishing you the BEST!
  4. Thanks, Abitlost, for your answer. I'm new here, and think this is an amazing place. I lost my spouse just about 2 months ago. This is a really turbulent ride so far. I'm in the part where I break down for no reason in stores or friends cars..and don't have a whole lot of patience and prefer alone time a lot at this point. But, that has its' disadvantages too. The posts on this website are quite comforting and helpful to read. Thanks for answering me.
  5. Hello to the Community, Is this Board still active? It's amazing actually. Before I post, I would just like to see if there is a community out there because the posts look like they are from 2019, latest. Thank you. -B

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