keeptrying

Weather is hot, freezing, hot, freezing... Next really nice days... if anyone is up for it.. I know I am a bit far from everyone.. but I am a pretty good cook.. I'll cook something up, and have enough enough room if anyone needs a place to stay.. Getting together would be nice!

Out of the blue, after two years, I realized the day he killed himself was the same exact day he asked me to marry him so many years before. I don't even know what to think about that. I miss him every second of the day. I just feel so lost without him.

May I please have an address? Thank you so much. We are really looking forward to going!

Me, 5 kids and a widow uncle. Let me know what to bring

We would love to attend. I would be bringing my uncle also, who also recently a widower.

Is this work trip taking that long? Seems like forever? If he is sad, just come home, we can talk about it. I am waiting, and waiting. The door never seems to open. I am going to continue to wait, but it is so tiring. I will sell my soul to have him come home. I plead with him to come home. I need him. He is my everything. This can't be real, or my reality. It doesn't work this way.. not in my situation. This is not real. I can imagine this happens to other people, other couples.. but not me, not what I had. There is no way. That is why I am so confused. So confused why he isn't coming home. It hurts. Hurts SO SO deep inside. Every second of the day. I try to keep as busy as I can. I try not to think.. ever think.. I don't want to think. But it is like it follows me, always there, lurking. No matter what I do. Because he is not here, he doesn't exist, like he never existed. I bring his name up in a conversation, everyone pretends like I didn't say a thing. Like he was some kind of imaginary person I made up in my head. He never existed. Even though he was my one and only world. And now, it all seems fake, like a dream. I woke up in a nightmare, alone, no one understands or cares. I keep it all in and wait for the day he comes through that door to hold me and smile and tell me everything is going to be okay.

I have to agree with Portside. Perception is Reality... I know everyone wants world peace, to end hunger, and to change what the people think, but the reality is.. THAT is the reality. Yes, you don't WANT people to think that way, but they do. Slut shaming? - If you are going to act according to stereo type, than that is how people are going to think of you. Actions speak louder than words. I am not saying it is right or wrong. I am saying, it is what it is. If you are comfortable with it, go for it, but there may be consequences. Not everyone is opened minded to think that women are equal to men, (as far as ) to go out and talk like drunken sailors, get in fist fights, sleep around and act "like a stereo typical" male".. which hearing the phrase stereo typical male is slut shaming I guess... Respect is the key. If you can find someone to respect you, no matter how you act.. that works! I was always told that respect is earned, not given. I realize after the years of observing, that is not the case always... Wow ? lots of questions here. Here?s my take (from the viewpoint as if I was still dating): The ?lady? offers sex on first date? Thank you very much!! Congratulations! You are no longer in the running for a serious relationship with me but I?ll call you whenever my hormones overwhelm my good sense for a booty call if I?ve been drinking, am lonely, or have seen all the offerings on HBO. I?ll keep you on the string until you wise up and start treating yourself with a measure of respect. Oh yeah, my mates will hear all about it to. 1st encounter? ? it will be different for every couple. That?s part of the fun after deciding to be intimate with someone. In all cases, it better be respectful of what both parties are comfortable with or the relationship will be very short lived (or, at best, very unhappy on at least one persons part). How long do you wait if he is a nice guy but there does not seem to be a spark? ? Ummm, perhaps forever? If you just want to get laid stick your head out of your window and make you wishes known. I?m certain someone will answer your call very quickly. Do the guy a favor and save him the $$ for the date. Do all men expect suggestive texts before even meeting? ? No, no and hell no! If this is your experience you need to change the group of guys you?re meeting or communicating with. Helen, forgive me and perhaps I?m reading the post wrong but from where I sit, this sounds a bit desperate. Guys can pick up on desperation from a mile away ? and treat you badly as a result. Take a deep breath, and start off but just sticking a toe into the dating pool ? you don?t have to dive in head first right away. I'm pulling for you - Good luck! - Mike

Oh I don't care about age gaps, I am not looking to get married : ) I just find it odd that there are tons of young girls out there, and I am sure they are easy enough to get. I just don't know if this is something that is common, I don't know what to think..

There is a house being built next door. There are guys contracted to work on the stone wall. One of the guys would come over, multiple times a day and ask me stupid questions. Your cats are over here, they are really nice. Then he would bring them over. I would always give him short and quick answers. Every time I would go to the car, he would make his way over and try to talk and keep me there. I never stayed long, always packing up my multiple kids in the car seats. I asked him how much it would be to till my garden. He came over asking if I wanted to sell some things in my garage. Then after talking he said I should get a babysitter and we should go out. I figured he was joking. His dad ended up coming by and his mom. I told them I had 7 kids. He asked how old is my oldest, I said 22. The guy said, that is how old I am. I came home one day and my garden was tilled and he said he would help me with whatever I needed. I said thank you, but I have everything under control. He asked for my number to text me about business stuff (he owns his own business) - He is asking me out. - I said, are you insane? I am old enough to be your mother! He said, well girls my age are immature. He is handsome, built, I told him there is no reason not to go out and fine someone his own age. - I think he is out of his mind. What the heck, is this normal?

Positive thoughts, suck it up, move on. It's in the past, get over it. YES! Absolutely! Desperately want to SO SO BAD. Unfortunately I know, and remember what happiness is. I knew what my life was, and now I have no idea where it is going. I force myself to "be happy", move forward, trying to keep my mind so insanely busy so I don't have to "remember" how things were so wonderful and so much easier. I try, I push myself, not just for me and my kids, but for everyone else.. to make "them" happy - I sure don't enjoy waking up feeling the emptiness, the touch of the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. The other half that would help with the children. Forced to remember every month that I should be pregnant, but I am not. Every day I tell myself "positive quotes" and what I am happy for. But after a long day, I head to bed, I have no one to share it with, no one to talk things over with. It is all me. So, chin up, stay positive move forward. That is exactly what I am doing every day of my life.. and wow, that is more work than the every day work I have to do on a daily basis. It gets SO tiring every day putting on the smile for others. Pretending that everything is okay, and I am doing good. On the outside I am fake. And it is because I am telling myself I need to happy, forcing myself to try to be happy. Do what others expect of me. At the end of the day when I am not, I feel like a failure. I failed another day, because even though I acted it, I don't feel it. What is wrong with me? I do not choose to be unhappy. I do, EVERY day take pro active measures to move forward and think positive thoughts, push myself. - My entire being, my everything, my life has completely changed, turned upside down. I am scared, sad, upset, hurt, lonely to mention a small few. It may not be like this forever, I can't predict the future, and I am trying to make the best of it.. but for now, I can not be happy and and be excited for the unknown future, no matter how hard I try.

Unfortunately, my uncle has a big mouth. I asked him not to tell my children. I wanted to be the one, but as soon as we walked in the door after finding out about my husbands death, he told my son. The police told my daughter. My younger 5 I have not told, and I will not tell them. I made this rambling story up about how he had health/something wrong with his brain. - I still can't wrap my head around it. I haven't processed it, and I am sure not going to have my kids have to deal with it now. Maybe one day when they get much much older. For now, I don't see how it will benefit them. I think it would do the opposite

I am so unappreciative and selfish. I have healthy amazing wonderful children. I put on smiles, take them places, do the best I can do. I love them more than life itself. I live to see them happy. I want to do the best I can do for them - On the inside. Oh the inside is just deep sadness. Just the pit of sadness that never ever goes away. I have SO much to be thankful and grateful for, and here, on the insides the pain eats me away. Why can't it stop? I know what I have, I am so SO thankful to have it. But I have this sickening hurt inside. It makes me think I am not strong. Makes me feel guilty and selfish for having this pain. If I have so much to be thankful for, and kids to live for, then why do I walk around with this unbearable weight on my shoulders holding me down. I hide it well, very well. This month though has been a slug in the gut every day. No matter how hard I try, no matter how many activities I do with the kids. I can't seem to shake it. I feel like a terrible person because of it.

I was pregnant with my son when he died and I have a lot of children. February 1st. My period. The most DEVASTATING reminder. I haven't gotten my period in about 9 years ( due to I am pregnant all the time ). - We wanted more, many more. That day.. I sunk. just sunk so low and I am not able to pick myself up it seems. No matter how I try. I'm trying REALLY hard to fake it. I mean REALLY hard. It is just SO exhausting though. No matter where I am at, what I am doing, a week of I SHOULD BE PREGNANT NOW! I know what he would say, I know the look and the smile he would give me. I know how he would hold me and rub my stomach and be so proud. It is gone. All gone. My present, future, happiness completely gone. There is NO chance of getting it back. I can plead, cry, bargain, sell my soul. NOTHING. I have to live with this every day. Every day of my life. It is torture and there is no way out of it.

It's February.. Holidays are over.. It is freezing out.. - anyone want to bago?

It can be done! I just took a vacation with my 7,5,4,2 and few week old baby to Disney by myself. I was scared to death. I drove 2 1/2 hours to philly... Never did that before, and my car transmission stopped shifting and started to over heat when I got to philly. Hopped a plane, got a shuttle to the car rental place and back again. I had a baby carrier in the front. The two year old in a carrier on my back. Little ones in each hand and had my 7 year old walk in front. The airport is not fun. I do it for them. Maybe selfishly me also, just to prove to myself I can. I'm afraid of changing things. I want to keep things the way they were when my husband was here. We did a lot of vacations. It hurts so much wishing he was there, thinking of when I was happy. Seeing the smiles on the kids, reminds me it's not all about me. I am thankful for them.

I can't imagine being truly happy with someone else. I told my husband all the time that he was all I ever dreamed of, and then some. I lived for him, happily lived to make him proud. My dad tells me, you will never find another like him. My daughter told me the other day.. I never saw a couple love like you and him. - What are my options.. to settle... Sounds depressing. The insane dating game with who knows what is out there. I heard horror stories. I am a wife, that is what I know. Now what? Is it even worth the bother and torment of meeting new people and going through that mess.. knowing you can never have what you once had. If you had it all.. that leaves you with nothing to look forward to. I have no desire to date.

I was going to say no eating in the living room and things like that, but after reading these other ones, maybe I need to change it to world peace and stop world hunger. I let things go when I lost my husband, things didn't seem to matter as much. This year I would like to organize, get rid of things, keep my house cleaner and no eating in the living room.

I couldn't think or breathe. I had to try to either remind myself to breathe, or calm myself down from breathing too much that I would pass out. I am so very sorry for everything that you have gone through, and everything that you will be going through. I thought I lost my mind. I found this board, and the people here are so very wonderful, it helps so much to know you are not alone, you aren't going crazy. - You are going to hear suggestions, thoughts and just terrible comments and opinions from people. I think that is one of the hardest parts in the beginning. Please take it slow, and not worry about what others say. Unless they have been through it, they can't even begin to imagine.

I am glad this was posted. This post makes me want to have my kids see this movie. I don't want them to be sheltered from death. It is a reality, a part of every day life that everyone pretends doesn't happen. Tries to hide, keep it hush hush... don't discuss... When it does happen, you don't know how to deal with it. - Yes, it isn't a pretty and fun, but neither is life... it is a reality.

I always had the question of, is it me, my house, the way I live, or the people who come over... I am not dirty, but I am messy. I don't mind a few things out of place and I don't panic if my house is a mess. I clean up before people come over. - Once they are here, the kids, the parents... I wonder... is this how they are in their own house? Leaving their garbage around, pouring out the toy box and walking away, just like a hurricane. The parents leave their cigarette butts outside (I don't smoke) and their empty bottles. I go to the back porch and I see mountain dew bottles, big gulps (my kids aren't allowed to drink those) - all over. - So I decided to leave them there, and pile up, so when the parents come over, they can see their kids stuff, because they give me a hard time that I don't allow my kids to drink that, so they KNOW it is theirs. They don't care at all. have seen them step over them in my garage and back porch. I can't imagine they act this way in their own home. I know some of the parents would FREAK if this was done in their own house, so why do parents think it is okay to do in mine? - If I (rarely ever) go to someones house, I make my kids help clean up and pick up their mess. - This has always baffled me.

North Eastern Pennsylvania - Scranton / Wilkes-Barre area.

Mine was fantastic. Started with turkey hill natural blackberry lemonade. A box of charleston chews and a bag of licorice. I hid a tub of dulce del leche Hagen Daz ice cream that I snuck out and hid to eat it so I didn't have to share.

Sccranton/Wilkes-Barre area.. Whenever anyone is up for it,,

Went to one Bago. Never hosted one, but what the heck.. what is the worst that can happen, right? Any suggestions would be great because I don't know what I am doing. I can cook though, and I have enough room if anyone needs a place to stay. Christmas season here, everyone doing their thing.. not really my thing. Time to try something new. My house.. eat, board games, if you have kids, we feed them junk food and let them get crazy. If you don't have kids, you eat the junk food and get crazy! - Or, we can meet and grab some amazing pizza.. movie.. If you are up for it, have ideas and suggestions..

My first and only Bago... I debated, should I go, should I not go. What will it be like? I have a ton of kids, I was either pregnant or had a newborn.. I don't really remember even though it wasn't all that long ago. ( I was always either pregnant or a baby for many years). What if I meet them and they all hack me up to pieces and throw me in the woods? I have all these kids, how could I possibly be social? I never drove that far with my kids alone. My husband has always been the driver. - What if they all sit around and cry the whole time? What if they are all too happy? What to expect? I went for it! I was scared and nervous as heck. I see everyone sitting there, talking, like they all knew each other forever. Me being socially awkward and nervous started to walk over, I was seen and people came over, I was introduced to everyone. The kids started to play with the other kids. I sat, talked listened. Everyone was SO amazing. Every person has a different story, but you feel like you get it, they get it, you belong. It was a place where you didn't feel so alone. It was safe, safe to be you. Comforting. Finally! I am so thankful I went. I am excited to go to another. I think of everyone I met there often. How strong, kind and amazing they all are. It really does blow my mind. They gave me hope and happiness. I read their posts on here and I am lucky, VERY lucky and thankful to have had the opportunity to have met them. - I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Thank you Bago friends, you have truly helped me more than words could ever express. I am so thankful for that experience.