Joy821

New to this site...My husband passed in mid-Jan2020, and I find myself dreading the upcoming holidays. This time last year, my husband's 4 years-long terminal illness took a turn for the worse and we knew his weeks/months were few. Our holiday season was bittersweet, knowing it was our last together, and my heart now aches thinking about those precious memories from a year ago; the beautiful moments we shared, and now having to deal with the reality of dreading the holidays this year without him. I honestly felt my heart would be cushioned somewhat by being able to create those special memories last year due to our knowledge/expectation of what was coming. Instead, those memories now uncontrollably play throughout my mind as this year's holidays approach. Every joy, every tear, every smile, every conversation, every promise, every pain...it's like I'm in a time warp and I'm living the memories of our 2019 holidays all over again. It takes my breath away at times; affecting me both mentally and physically. Of course, the COVID pandemic has created a high level of isolation, which I feel is both good and bad. I want it to be January 2, 2021, but I think to myself: "then what?"...The 1st anniversary of his death, and then it all starts over again? Sigh...I do believe this will soften in the years to come, and I want to go forward and continue to find the joy that life has to offer. My "grief fog" was improving slightly the last couple of months and now I feel I've stumbled backwards. I have no choice but to let my grief/memories flow one breath at a time...