mikeeh

Hello All, I thought I would update the situation since it has been awhile. First I do want to thank you all for our advice, concern, tolerance and help. I would have to say I am doing better. It may be time or it may be the anti-depressants I am on but I am doing fine. There has been some recent turmoil that would have destroyed me just a few months ago and now there was nary a tear. A certain sense of sadness and renewed sense of loss but no tears. She texted me on election night. I am really into politics and very liberal so election day wasn't a great day for me. Not that I was that upset about it, a Hobsons choice between two bad options. It just so happens the worst one won. But I wasn't that upset. She texted I guess because she was concerned that I was upset. Actually I think she just wanted to talk politics with someone and I was the only one she knew who followed it enough to be able to talk about it. That upset me coming out of the blue. Then she texted again in the morning. The 90 days weren't up but she wanted to talk about politics. We agreed it was close enough to the 90 days unless she wanted to do a reset. Which I would have been good with actually. She said no reset and maybe we should get together and talk. I told her I wasn't ready yet. Then the 90 days ended. I wasn't going to reach out because I was not ready. She wrote that evening. She said the 90 days is up, that she missed my friendship, that she is there are willing to talk whenever I am ready. I said thanks but need time. I didn't know if she was so anxious to meet because she really did miss me or if she wanted to finish this completely with a meeting that resulted in her decision that we couldn't be friends. Another face to face knife in the heart. Out of curiosity, and because I do anyways I kept my eye on the missed connections. About a week ago there was one that showed up that sounded like it could have been her but not as obvious as the other one. She posted an ad talking about how much she missed me. She is with another guy and he might not be smart enough for her. She talks to him about the connection we had How she doesn't think she will ever find that again. That this guy is okay, he is familiar, comfortable, easy. But she doesn't like easy. She sounded very bothered still even though the random connections we made she talked about how good she was doing. When I knew it was her I wrote again Saying we needed to talk. That I am not sure if I could do it but if this is still bothering you so much maybe it was the wrong decision. She wrote back to me. Another nasty, vicious, how many times do I have to tell you why it ended and that we cannot be that again. That the whole post was about missing your friendship. It is obvious that I have made no progress on my part in getting over her. That we are done. We cannot be friends (I knew that 2 months ago), that I can either love her or hate her and neither are conducive to friendship. So we are done. She was more vicious I am sure in an attempt to get me mad enough to hate her and be mad at her so I would get over her. It worked When I wrote I asked her to not reply that night. To wait and think about it and not reply until tomorrow. She said she would. Then I got up at 12:05 to go to the bathroom and checked my mail. She replied at 12:01. Technically tomorrow but obviously no thought. Well it worked and I got mad. I turned around and sent her the angry email that has been building up for 4 months. Then after a night of little or no sleep I sent another one in the morning for all the things I forgot in my haste the night before. Yes I did include the hubris of someone telling a widower that I have to hurt you to get you to grow. Like a widower has known no pain, no hurt. That was right before Thanksgiving. The start of the holiday season. The holiday season that starts with the anniversary of my Mother's death the day before Thanksgiving, and will include in the next month my birthday, our anniversary, christmas, and New Years, where we actually had a family tradition. The day after Thanksgiving I got a box and sent back some of the more personal stuff she had given me. I included a note that was pretty conciliatory. Told her that I don't see a day when these items would give me any comfort or recall any pleasant memories. I told her I wasn't ready then she is surprised that I am not ready. I asked if she would hold onto them for me and give them back to me if or when the day comes I am ready . I said I didn't mean most of what I wrote and I have to believe that she didn't mean what she said either, at least not in that tone. That I was sure it hurt her more to write it than it did me to read it. I asked if it would be okay to reach out if I ever decide I am ready. That if I don't hear anything then that will be my answer, no. I have deleted her contact on my phone. The text history on my phone and the face book message chain we exchanged. Which breaks my link to her facebook page which I had already not been going to. Her emails are tucked away in a folder that I would have to look for to get to. I will just need to tuck her pictures away someplace where I don't stumble on them. I told her I had made progress. That if I had not made progress I would have been a puddle of tears for the past few days, but there have been no tears. That the unbearable pain has been replaced with emptiness and void. I refuse to let that void be filled with anger and hatred for her. So I forgive her and hope she forgives me for what I said. I am dating I have had a couple of good dates with some women who were nice, fun, funny, interesting. I am sure that helps. I have liked them and they have liked me. It gives me some hope that there may be someone out there. But at least I am getting out and not spending the nights home alone in the house. The dog isn't liking it so much but it is nice to have a night out talking and laughing. Sorry this is so long. There seems to have been some genuine concern so I thought I owed you, and wanted to, give you an update. You have all been so patient to get through all the bad news and turmoil. I thought you would like a positive update. Thank you all again

Thanks for checking AZ. If feeling nothing is better than the pain I was feeling before then I guess I am doing better. Now I just feel empty, hollow, lobotomized, lonely and alone. The tears have stopped, for the most part. I don't think of her as much as I use to. I had placed another missed connection post after a very bad day at work. She saw it and wrote to me basically asking me to stop posting them. That we will never be what we were and probably neither of us will be satisfied with any form a relationship we might have after the 90 days will be allowed to take. She wrote that she can't care about me anymore or worry about what I do with my life. About a week ago would have been our anniversary. Both the day we first started to write to each other and a week later for the day we actually met in person for the first time was in the last week or so. Both of those days passed with no acknowledgement from her in any way. Probably the smart thing to do but hard on me to accept that she is completely done with me and would prefer I not be in her life at all. Part of the numbness the shock of realization that she just doesn't care anymore. That she can just purge me from her life like that. Part of it is the new antidepressant I have started on. I am not in as much pain as I was in before. I may not be as sad as I was before but I am not happy. Just not as sad. So I guess technically I am doing better. Thanks for asking.

I love that idea so much Bunny, that one little kindness for myself every day. To me getting out of bed it about the kindest I can be to myself. I don't want to sound too much like a Gallahad here defending her but I do want to be fair. And just to be fair I don't think she is as bad as maybe the impression I have given of her. Most of the torture that has happened has been self inflicted. Yes she posted the missed connection on CL, but I went looking for it. Yes, she posts general new age live better saying on her FB in a way that I can see it, but I go to her FB to see what I can see. can't blame her too much for the postings she did after the breakup. I don't think she honestly knows what is best for me or how she can help me. And I honestly don't know either. She knows I am dying to know that she still misses me, still loves me. Even though she knows it is only distance that will eventually help me, she also knows how much I needed to, still need to know that she misses me. She was just trying to reassure me that yes, her feelings were real, still are real, or were as of a month ago. That our time together was not a lie or a game she was playing on me or just using me. She was just doing the best to reassure me without trying to make me think there was hope for more. As far as the 90 days goes, that was as much at my suggestion that she jumped at. It was idea I got from this board, and someone else on it. I think it was her giving me a goal, a way to get me to accept the idea of not contacting her without me having to deal with the idea that it was forever. Again, she was as lost as I was in how to do this. As she said, usually when a couple breaks up the love is gone, the feelings are gone. But our feelings are still there. At least they are still for me. They were for her when she ended it,and for a time thereafter. I am sure she is hoping that I will come to the conclusion that I cannot and will not be able to contact her at the end of the 90 days. It was just something she did for me to not have to deal with forever right away. Even now as I am coming to realize it will be forever it is still hard to grasp that. Early in our time together when we were still thinking this would be light, an casual, and the temporary nature of it was still a big piece of the relationship we knew we would always want to be friends. We knew that even when one of us or the other found our "forever" person we would still be friends. And if our forever person wasn't okay with our friendship then they weren't our forever person. Now, I can't even talk to her. I can't be friends with her, spend time with her. I can't see her or talk to her. Yes it is fading. The pain is become more of a constant dull ache that spikes on occasion instead of the constant rending of the heart in my chest. But that just means that the love I enjoyed is becoming less of a memory. Now I doubt if it was ever there, and if I ever had it. And even if I can accept it was real the memory of it is fading so fast that it is becoming a myth and not a memory. I am weaning myself from her FB, but due to one thing or another I checked it the other day and realized that she had just changed her profile picture. I posted another CL ad to her to say something, ok apologize to her for what I put her through when we were together. I asked for a sign if she saw the ad. I got a cryptic response that I couldn't tell was her or not. I check her FB and she had changed her profile picture from a picture I took of her during our sunset picnic dinner at the lake, to one of her walking away from the camera in the dusk. The last break of her with me. She is done. Over me and moved on with life. I am maybe at best a pleasant memory to her. I wish I could do the same.

You may be right Cathy. The problem is I have no friends. And work is so damn overwhelming that I barely have time to do anything other than work. If it isn't long hours at work it is bringing home the laptop and doing more work at home. I would like to do some meetup groups but having the time to do it or finding groups to join is hard for me. I can never put myself first. Having someone in my life would be putting myself first. If I wait until I am healthy or whole I will never be ready to look for someone.

Hey Sike, Thanks for checking in, thanks for asking. I guess I am doing better. A little. Most of the pain has been replaced with just emptiness and loneliness. Back to what my life was before I met her. Except this time I know what I am missing and what I have lost. Work is getting worse and worse, and that is maybe a lot of what cost me her in the first place. I half by accident went back and read some of our emails from months ago, in the heart of our relationship. All I was doing was complaining about work. And now it is even worse. I was a hairs breadth away from just walking in and quitting a week ago. But I guess I am too responsible to just go with no known income base. In times of pressure when work really sucks then I miss her more because I don't have anybody to help me cope with work. I am an some dating sites and trying to meet people. And when I am looking for someone or talking to someone it abates a little. But when it falls through, as it has inevitably done, then missing her all comes crashing right back on me. I don't want to keep missing her. Ideally it would be because I have her back, but I know that won't happen. And deep down I don't think I could ever trust her or be comfortable with her if we were together. But knowing something intellectually and knowing it with your heart are two different things.

Yes, Justme2, It think that is the place I am at. That it is time to give up, accept my losses. That must be what this empty, abandoned feeling is that I have had all day. If you can call it a feeling. More a lack of feeling. Just empty nothingness.

Yes, Justme. I think that is what I am starting to realize. That after all that has happened and all that has been said, and not said could I accept and trust her if she were to take me back? yes it did start as a long term casual situation. But it seemed like the feeling we both had took us both by surprise and it made me think the expectations were changing. That she seemed to love me and need me, and have such wonderful things to say to me that I thought her expectations were changing. The only reason I expected more was because I thought I was getting more. I thought it was safe to love because I was being loved. That is my latest source of grief, and maybe my last? That I am now realizing that it is completely and totally over. Even to the point that I don't know if I will be able to or want to reach out to her in 60 days when our 90 day no contact period is over I am sure that is what she was hoping for when we agreed to it.

I agree with you all. I am doing more harm to myself by going to look at her page. I am trying very hard to jot do that anymore, though I have already failed twice today. I hope you are right that I will find someone better and wonder how I ever put up with it. I fear though that she damaged me too much. That I was already a damaged person and her trying to help me only damaged me more, and possibly beyond recovery. It is hard to be praised for being so open and honest then get dumped for your hobest and for being who you are. It makes me wonder how I will ever trust and open up to anyone again .

No Semper Fidelis she isn't . If anyone is the sick one I am. Because what Trying said is true. The messages she shares on her FB can only bother me if I go out of my way to look at them. I have to try and make myself stop looking for messages from her. That becomes easier as more of these messages she leaves angers and insults me. The least favorite part of her when we were together is all I get now, and when that is all you get it is unbearable. This part I am doing to myself. In a desperate attempt to ease the pain she caused me a month ago but it isn't helping. I don't know what messages I was hoping to get but not the ones she is leaving. An "I miss you" or even to hope beyond hope an "I made a mistake" that I know is never coming.

It doesn't feel like healing. Especially this morning. I keep torturing myself by going to her facebook page. We are unfriended so I can't see much. There are only a few things she has shared to all and not just friends. Since our last direct communication and the day she unfriended me, which was a month ago today, she has shared a few things publicly so that non-friends could see it. They all seem pretty directed at me. She knows or assumes, or hopes that I still check out her page even though I am unfriended and can't see much. It is unfair that she still gets to talk to me, lecture me, try to "help" me and I cannot respond. That we can't discuss what she posts or even talk about what is going on and why. Most everything she posts is all this new age claptrap about life being what you make it, and about healing and loss. The last thing was this thing. Goodbye is only for those who love with their eyes. When you love with your heart and soul there is no separation. So since I am feeling the pain of loss and separation is that suppose to imply that I did not really love her. That my love wasn't / isn't real? That definitely sounds like someone who has never lost a spouse. It was actually insulting to me and very frustrating that i can't reply to that and say how dare you suggest that my love wasn't real. That I only loved "with my eyes", whatever that means. It doesn't feel like healing. Especially not today.

She k ew I was an atheist right from the beginning. Yet we still spent time together and our love kept getting stroger and stronger. In my opinion, and I told her this, her concept of spirituality was so customized and ephemeral that we basically had the same opinion on life and how to act and who to judge or not judge. What was important and how to live and treat people. She had a wide, barely definable concept she called god. And I just didn't call it god. To me it was semantics. We agreed on everything we discussed about that stuff except for the name. I am coming to terms with the idea that we are over I lnow this would not have gone on forever. I may even have had to end it soon since there were things going on that was really getting to me. Anybody who has persevered through this whole thread or my other one concerning this relationship can guess what my issue was. I just wasn't ready for it to end yet. To me the good greatly outweighed the bad. As I get use to the idea that she was not as perfect as I thought. Thanks to many of you and my therapist, it slowly gets a little easier to deal with not having her on my life anymore. I still miss her dearly and I miss even more the idea of having a her in my.life. I don't know if this is healing or dying. Is the emptiness and love elites an improvement over the pain and the loss? Is this progress?

Captains Wife, Just reading about you deleting all contact and his pictures gave me a mild panic attack. I am already sad that the texts on my phone only go back to about a month of active contact. That means about 8 months of texts and pictures are gone. Most of them silly nothings but some were very nice. Nicer than most of the messages I have now from the week before the breakup and on. I am actually thinking of going to the phone place and seeing if they can recover the lost texts. I think enough people are telling me that she was damaged and no good for me that I am finally starting to accept it. Does make me wonder about the last 10 months though and how I could have been so happy for so long.

Alone. That is the problem. Anything I do I will do alone. When I was one of 5 kids, sharing a bedroom with 3 brothers in a tiny house time alone was precious. I would go out on my bike for hours, whole days and be on my own, by myself. Now time alone is torture because that is all I have. Anything I can think of to do I have to do alone and that takes all the fun out of anything I might find to do. The few things I have tried were things I did with her. Makes it all feel like a pantomime of a real life, or back when I had one. So not only was I not with her, like last time, but I did it alone. We do have meetup groups here, but they all seem to be ball room dancing or stamp collecting. I walk the dog twice a day so I do get some outdoor time. Also leaves lots of time to think. At least not in the mornings I am walking her in the dark so nobody can see me. Mornings are tough. Another day without her, without our good morning texts. How did you sleep? What do you have planned today? I realize today that she has no more to say to me. She has said goodbye. She has given her explanations for why she did it. She has tried to assure me that she still loved me and struggles with missing me and wanting to text me daily. How I reconcile that with her continued silence I don't know. I guess I don't. I guess I just have to try and wrap my head around not having her in my life again.

sikeuritgadeun- that is so much something she would say, and probably has said to me or about life in general. Every time my mind wanders into the reality that she is out of my life forever it just brings such an empty void into my chest. That is why I think I avoid accepting that she is out of my life. And I know I won't heal until I do stop trying to hold onto hope that I will get her back. Rob, if I could come up with positive things to add to my life I would have done it while with her and possibly kept her. I just can't think of anything to add or anything to do alone that would add happiness to my life

I feel like I am reacting to this in such on overblown and melodramatic way. That everyone has been through a breakup and they just get over it. Here it is over a month after she broke up with me and still every morning feels like the day after she did it. Every morning the loss and the tears and the emptiness. Just like after I lost my wife you mind finds a new way to feel the loss as time right out of the blue. It is doing it again. Today I am sure that I will not hear from her again, ever. That the missed connection was her last statement of goodbye to me. One last reassurance to me that I am special enough to her that she still misses me, but not special enough to be with her. Once she said that she was done. I placed my own missed connection to say what I needed to say about us. Then as a reaction to one of the public posts on FB that seemed directed at me I posted another MC. If she saw it she knows I am still checking out her FB page even though I can't see much, so she knows and will not even post new things for me there. I know you all think that these posts and communications she posts are manipulative and not healthy for me. I agree, but thinking that I will never, ever hear from her again or talk to her again is a very painful thought to have.