Skitwin

I just passed 8 years. My life is completely different. I would do anything to know he is safe, happy, existing somewhere. I am an atheist, but I do believe in continued existence (long story). That pain isn't debilitating anymore, but it still affects me every day. And it probably always will.

I was exactly the same, I slowly replaced all my clothing (but for a couple of sentimental pieces, which I keep in a box in the attic). Too painful, and I needed to try to stop reminding myself of that horrible time. I am so glad you are dating someone. Take what joy you can from life. Your husband wouldn't want it any other way if he truly loved you.

My out-laws stopped speaking to me the day after my husbands death. I called, wrote, but was clearly not welcome. That was 8 years ago. So easy and fun for them to judge me. Somehow my husband's death was my fault. So, whatever. It hurt, but I don't need people like that in my life. Live your life, and hang up the next time someone feels like venting on the widower. Shame on them.

The timetable on this forum is not set in stone. God knows I took WAY longer than most to move through my stages. Don't pressure yourself. I cried every day for at least 3 years. That's how I healed. Give yourself some slack here.

I have gone through an astonishingly similar situation. My husband was 42, and died of alcoholic cirrhosis. He was secretly drinking, so his physical disintegration was a surprise to me. It was hands down the most horrible thing I've ever gone through. We had a dog, but she died of cancer the next year. No kids. I have since remarried, and am happy. But I miss my first husband Paul every single day. Feel free to contact me any time.

If you would care to share the contact info of that medium, I would be very grateful. I am looking, but so far have had a string of phonies.

He couldn't. Someone once told me that when an alcoholic chooses to drink, it it only during the first time. Every drink after that is compulsion. Only 4% of "problem drinkers" are true alcoholics...these are the people who react differently to alcohol and whose brains rewire rapidly to exposure to alcohol (source: CDC). There is psychological dependence, and then there is physical dependence. My doctor told me that we all want so much to think that we have a choice over addiction, and get confused when we see some people "overcome" it. But those aren't the genetic, physical addicts. Those are the problem drinkers who have a shot at change and the ability to do it. For true (genetic) addicts, death or physical restraint are the only ways it stops. Our husbands died of a disease that is no less a disease than cancer.

His name is Paul. He is the love of my life. He was kind, brilliant, hilarious, troubled, and vulnerable. With him, I knew unconditional love, and unimaginable pain. In turn, he saw the very best and the very worst of me. Not a day goes by where I don't miss him deeply, long for him, and wish that I could go back and be a better wife to him.

You can contact the host and tell them that there is some important information your late wife had in that account, but unfortunately you don't have a password. They'll probably make you scan and send a death certificate and copy of your driver's license, then you can get in. Yes, I have experience with this.

What incredible stress you must be under. My best thoughts sent your way.

I'm coming up on seven years myself. Paul died of cirrhosis from alcoholism, and people seem to steer clear of talking about him at all. I hate that. I do understand your feelings. Big hugs.

I have had depression all of my life. When my husband died of alcoholism/cirrhosis at age 42, I understandably spiraled out of control. I was terrible at my job, crying all the time, lonely (part of the whole alcoholism thing), and spent a lot of time thinking about whether to end it. It was bad. Anniversaries are especially bad, and I have one coming up. Paul and I would have been married for 21 years. His 7 year deathiversary comes a little later this summer. I tried to take my antidepressant dose down a notch, and it has not worked out for the best. I have remarried and do not want to burden my new husband with all this crap. He has been unbelievably supportive. But I cannot get the pictures of my first husband throwing up blood, jaundiced in the hospital, calling me asking me to visit him in the hospital on those few hours I had by myself (much guilt there), and wasting away in front of my eyes when there was nothing I could really do. His family blames me (though I didn't know he was drinking again after his first hospitalization), and hasn't spoken to me since his death. I've been asked to not contact them and am respectful of that. But this guilt...it is with me every. single. minute. It's been 7 years, and though I have times that are good, I cannot seem to escape this hole I am in. Going back to my old meds, but I just needed to unburden my heart somewhere. The psychiatrist I had been seeing also saw us as a couple, and it isn't helping me to go to him because I associate him so much with that time, if that makes sense. Thanks for listening.

Letter Refused - Return to Sender.

Hi all, might I suggest that we copy/paste into a new thread? We only have 3 days until it goes offline. If we split it up among us into 5 pages each, it shouldn't be a big deal. I just did it to a word document for the first page of the thread. I will do the next 4 pages if someone wants to take pages 6-10, 11-15. It needs to be done by 3/20/15, so please let me know if you can take these other pages. Once we have them, we can post them back here.