kmouse

Fleur, this vet was just having some similar wonderings on my drive home. I stopped really belonging months, if not a few years, ago. I don't post enough to be a valued, recognizable member any more and I feel like my thoughts aren't the ones that would be heard or of interest these days anyway. At this point emotionally, I can't even work up much more than a resigned regret that the board that was instrumental in putting me back together and that was the mechanism for meeting the second love of my life (and friends I love dearly) has gone away, although I sure wish it had been handled differently. <-Understatement. I probably should be more outraged to fit in with current feelings about everything, but instead I feel a deep sadness that I'm trying my best to deal with. I don't know. The depths have been plumbed, but the troublesome grief cards from my personal deck keep coming up. I tend to just hold them to my chest now and wonder why I'm six years out and still have cards in the deck to deal with. But like you said, even though YWBB wasn't a lifeline anymore, it was a touchstone when I needed to at least read the words of people who understood the sh%^ sandwich. We're part of a generation that was beginning to have valued veteran status over at YWBB, but in the transition I feel like we'll quickly be relegated to the forgotten generation because we aren't the pillars of before or the sassy newbies of now. Where do people like us belong? Are we still valuable to this new board? Can this new incarnation be a touchstone for us? I really like anniegirl's and a couple others' thoughts of sticking around at least long enough for this board to take flight and sustain. Some will depend on how we're treated (some excellent points on the pros and cons of moderation) and the tone. As I continue to rebuild I need encouragement/reality/perspective/hope, and I've often found much resonance from the words of veterans and it's those vets that have kept me coming back, to read if nothing else. I hope people like you both stick around as much as is healthy and right for you. Your words may not come often publicly, but when they do they have resonance. I don't know. Part of me wants to saddle up my unicorn and ride it down the road. Long story short, I can't understand the flavor of your particular sh$t sandwich, but I sure get having the sandwich in hand. I hope continued healing for you and your kiddos. K P.S. Complete agreement about the site logo.We've got the t-shirts. Literally. Dammit.

Many of us wids without kids...whether by choice or by circumstance...feel pretty isolated in and out of the wid world. Naurek made this post in February of 2010 and lots of us thought having an island just for us misfit wids was a pretty fine idea. I hope she will be ok that I brought the island with us in the move from YWBB. I think it's pretty important that we remember we are as valuable as any wid, have our own unique pains and loss, and we need a safe place to express just how hard it can be to walk in the isolating world of the wid without kids. Grab a drink with an umbrella from the tiki hut and join us! Sorry, this is a so long. I just think if I'm feeling this way maybe someone else is and it'll bring some misery-loves-company type of comfort. I find this section of the forums to be pretty quiet. There is an enormous focus in society on being married and having kids. If you're not in that situation, the rest of society's focus seems to be on pushing towards attaining that golden standard. Obviously I'm generalizing here and there are lots of people who have all kinds of different circumstances that don't fit neatly into these categories and/or don't want to. I enjoy when those people come out of the woodwork and offer different perspectives, both here and in real 'life'. It's just that lately I've been feeling so far removed from everyone. I always felt different, like an outcast, but it didn't matter when I had him. Things/friends were very family-centric and only becoming moreso as I near my 30s, but again it didn't matter because I had him. I don't have that many friends but the ones I do have I'm very close to. (unfortunately, not geographically). Now, I feel like there is regular society full of married people with 2.5 kids living in their own microcosm of happiness and with friends in similar situations. I don't fit in that part of society at all. I can't relate to diapers, to pregnancy, to schools and little Johnny stories, to building a deck for the kids to play on, to the annoying DGI husband/wife complaints, none of that. Another level of society, single parents who feel like they don't fit into that first 'ideal' (by society's standards) category. They may feel outcast, but there are still tons of them. The other parent might be absent, might be helping. They might be on good terms or full of bitter hatred. Either way they're not dead. I can't relate. Then there's others have lost their husband or wife, but still have kids. The majority of widow/ers I see seem to fit into this category. It's a rarer thing, but the internet allows us to at least form a community. I don't feel that comfortable with this either. Then there's single people. Whenever you say 'single' all the focus gets put on partying, fun, dating, trying to attain that 'ideal' of the partner + (probably) kids. I don't fit into there either. I don't want to date now. I don't want to be around the shiny happy people 24/7. A lot of people seek out friends that are 'like them', us included. That's not to say we can't learn or relate in some ways to those that are different from us, but it's often hard when the divide is so big, when someone's life is consumed by their coupledom, their kids, a scene they're into, whatever. I feel like my place in society is the boring, depressed, still a 'wife' in my mind (even though that was ripped away), non-contributing burden to those around me. Fun! I just miss my nice life full of middle ground like I used to have as half a couple. I never used to have to resort to hanging out at the library alone, and at the other extreme I was done with the days of clubbing and never had the desire to pick up random guys. Everything we did was ok because it was We. Now it's just Me, and suddenly I'm noticing just how terribly Different I am. By the way, I don't mean to knock on anyone, I just feel like I don't fit in. Not a little bit, but by a long shot. Having kids is a huge part of one's life. Generally, 'the family' seems to consume people and of course their entire lives change. They can no longer relate to me anymore than I can to them. I feel like that divide would have happened anyway, but again... I had him and didn't need a ton of friends. Now it just seems so sad, I open this forum and see the "I have no purpose" thread and it really hits home. I went on vacation recently (alone...) and it sparked most of these thoughts. Suddenly I realized how much is out there that I can't do. Most things are either family activities or full on scandalous type things that happy unwidowed college students do. The only middle ground is for couples. I felt terrible even eating in a restaurant, "Only one?", "Yes." I'm really out of ideas and just... for those days when I feel like exiting the house, I just feel so isolated and alone. There is no group of buddies that were always there to do something with for the sake of doing something, like there was in high school. I'm just at a time of life when things should be SET, everything should be working smoothly in it's nice routine, clicking into place as part of the plan toward some nice goals. Instead it all crumbled to shit and I'm just spinning around in the darkness reaching out, but nothing is there. I'm not even asking for answers, I know I can take a class, volunteer, fake it at work. But even when I do those things I still feel alone, like a part is missing, like I'm watching it all from behind some foggy glass. I just wanted to get that rant out really.. hoping someone feels the same (but at the same time... not. You guys know what I mean.) If there was an island for us outcasts, I'd live there in a heartbeat just to feel human again. _________________________

It rattled this vet pretty hard, too. Six years is coming in April and the closing of YWBB really sent some serious shockwaves through me. I haven't quite worked out the psychology, but for some reason I felt like I was losing yet more pieces of Richard and me after spending so many years there. I guess I didn't realize just how much I needed to know the board was there, even being miles down the grief road and no longer being much of a presence at all. I'm ok losing my thoughts and words because I wrote nearly continually throughout my intense processing times in other fashions, but I'm so terribly sad to lose the words of the wids we've lost and the collective wisdom that started with our founders. I sure wish there were a way to archive YWBB as at least a reading resource. Wish I could hug our founders for seeing a need and forging a way all those years ago, and our team of visionaries who are leading the way forward... K

This thrills my heart! Kristin was just the bestest person and wid sister; we miss her so much. Knowing that her name will pop up every time this thread is added to is simply awesome...Glenn, you are the MAN!! Kristin couldn't believe the life this thread took on. She wasn't quite sure if she should be embarrassed or proud...no matter what, though, if it helped a wid, she was a fan. Kristin, we're raising a cold one to you...thank you for the love, the laughs, and this incredibly and wonderfully naughty thread. We love you dearly now and always. ~kbb3

I'm glad you pulled this over and shared, M. John's words are so beautiful, especially knowing what the coming days would be for the both of you. If only... ((((hugs)))) Earlier today it struck me anew the enormity of what we are losing with the closure of ywbb. So much history, so much healing, so much friendship. I went searching for some words from KC's own k a gill, whom we lost in the early summer of 2011. She was a very veteran member with the biggest heart...we adored that girl. It's deeply painful to lose her AND her words of comfort and hope. Somehow bits and pieces of all of us are on that board, along with the loved ones we've shared by way our deepest words of pain and mourning. Losing John's thoughts in his words adds to your loss of that dear man and I am profoundly, profoundly sorry. K

Complete agreement!

I went back to YWBB thinking I'd do a cut 'n paste of what brought me here/there...had to click out of there. So many memories. It's been almost 6 years since I lost my husband Richard to a sudden heart attack. Long story short, my lifelong athlete husband with no personal or family history of heart disease called me home from a normal Monday at work because he wasn't feeling well and less than 30 minutes later I was a young widow of 37. It's still shocking that so much story can be distilled to two sentences. I don't know how to encapsulate my history with the board, the friendships I've made, the second chance at love I found at YWBB in Lonepanda, the late night chat sessions that make me grateful that chat didn't have a history function , the miles and miles and miles I've walked along a road I didn't know existed. I've read that grief is love turned inside out; I feel like I've explored fathoms deep pain and joy commensurate with the enormity of just how much I adored that sweet man. I'm grateful beyond words to be on the other side of all that pain and I know Richard would be so proud of how far I've come, but there will always be that part of me that lives and loves in a far away place with him. A wise vet on YWBB said once that her husband lived in two places years out from loss. He lived in her mind and she could freely talk about him, laugh at the great times, help other wids along the way. And then there was the place he REALLY lived...in her heart. It was in that place where the intensity of love and loss still circulated deeply and vividly. That's where I find myself, looking at beginning my seventh year without him. There's the Richard I can talk about with others easily and the smiles come automatically. That's the me (and him) that people these days see, especially as a remarried widow. And then there's the real me (and him) standing behind that door in my heart. He's standing there and I can't talk as easily and the emotions lift and swirl and take me to other places. I'm so glad all of that still, and will always, live in me because I will always need to open the door and step inside to remember. Kudos to the crew working to rebuild what has been a lifesaver. I found the board on day two, made my first post on day 13, and leave behind on the board about 2,200 posts of some seriously good, bad, and ugly. I don't need the board like I did, but I still need to know it's there. Kmouse...still wordy after all these years