Alexswife

.

I've been doing fairly well lately. I've even been able to look at the future without so much dread. Well, today I crashed. I've felt the emotions building in me these last two weeks but I've pushed them away and thought of happier times. I got a text today telling me that one of my friends had a baby boy. I went from being excited for her to being completely shattered. I was at work and unable to hold my tears back. We always dreamed of having a little boy. We were going to name him after my sweet Alex. He would've been the best dad. A dream we never saw come true. I miss him everyday but on days like today I just want to crawl in the bed and hide forever. He was so healthy. We were so happy. Everything was brand new, life was just getting started, we still hadn't unpacked from the honeymoon, there were still wedding decorations left in our closet. We had just begun and it was all over in the blink of an eye. My whole world ended. It's been almost four years and I still can't believe its all over.

Thank you all for your support. Today has been awful but coming on here and reading your comforting and hopeful words have helped me. Around 2:00 today (that's the time we got married) I had a panic attack. I didn't even know what time it was but when I looked and saw, I knew what brought on the panic. My body knew what time it was. I wish more than anything that I could look into his gorgeous brown eyes and tell him how much I love and adore him. For the first time ever, I want to watch our wedding video. Praying that watching it doesn't set me back in my grief. It seems like yesterday and forever at the same time since I joined this group. Y'all have been the best support system. Thank you.

Thursday will be four years since our wedding day. We never even celebrated one anniversary. I have been doing alright. My future is looking brighter and everything was going fine until... I went into our house and found our honeymoon suitcases. My wedding jewelry is in my bag. So many memories came rushing through. My favorite time ever was our honeymoon. We made so many special memories that week. It's still hard for me to think about that time without feeling like I can't breathe. Four years ago, I was getting ready to be his bride. Now, I'm entertaining the idea of chapter 2 and cleaning out our house. It has been a LONG journey and has taken me a long time to be ok. But tonight I sit here crushed. I miss who we were. I miss him. I miss us. I miss our life. I always will. He was my best friend, my world, my everything.

I'm so sorry.

So sad. The pictures they are flashing all over the place of her grieving are breaking my heart. She was truly in love.

My cousin just posted on the horrible FB that she is pregnant with TWINS. I always wanted twins, it was my dream. I don't understand why some people seem to have it all and I have nothing. My Alex is gone and my dreams went with him. I met his brother for lunch the other day. It was the first time I had seen him in over two years. He looked almost exactly like Alex. It took my breath away to see him. So many memories just flooded my mind. I'm so over everything tonight. I just want to sleep.

You've always seem to get how I am feeling. It brought tears to my eyes to hear that you have met someone and have something to look forward to. It gives me hope. Thank you.

I think I'm ready for mine. I have always said that I would never remarry but watching my grandma die changed my mind. She was widowed young and never remarried. If I could ask her anything I would ask her if at the end of her life she regretted never finding someone else to grow old with. I don't want to have that regret at the end of my life. I will always, always, always love my sweet Alex and God knows that I would give any and everything to have him back but that is not happening. I have no desire to go out and 'date' a bunch of guys. I have a lot of faith and I have been praying really hard that if it is God's will to send me someone else that He will. I trust Him with my life. Y'all are the first people I have told about my desire to remarry. I type this with tears streaming down my face because I feel guilty about even thinking about leaving Alex behind but I know in my heart he will go with me no matter where this life leads.

Today is the day we bury my sweet grandma. God has allowed me to be strong in front of my dad so I can take care of him but a soon as I hit the bed I fall apart. Mostly because she's gone and I just long to talk to her but also because of the memories this while thing is bringing back from Alex's funeral. Last night we left the funeral home for the last time. I remember how I felt when it was the day for Alex, when I knew the next day would be the lat day I would ever see his earthly body. It's the most heartbreaking, lonely feeling. Last night my dad was feeling the same way about his mom. My heart is so broken for him. Please pray and remember us as we move through this difficult day and in the days to come. I know tomorrow will be the saddest day yet. The people will be gone and reality will set in.

After a long, painful battle my sweet grandma passed away last night. We knew the end was near and I had told everyone that I didn't want to be there when it happened. I was there, it was the most peaceful thing I have ever witnessed. If anyone was ever ready to go home, she was. Our hearts are so broken though, especially my dads.

The scream I let out when they told me he was gone. The scream I let out at his visitation, at his funeral and many times over the past three years. That scream is the saddest sound I know. I've had nightmares all week. My dad was missing and I was on the front porch screaming, on my knees, just like when Alex died. In another nightmare I was just walking around and fell t my knees screaming. Why are these nightmares reoccurring? I need sleep. Tomorrow is Sunday and I have to play the piano. If I don't sleep the notes on the page get all blurry and it's hard for me to see. I am scared to close my eyes though. I'm scared of hearing that scream again. My grandma is doing a little better. She's still not well but still hanging on. Watching her lay in her death bed has made me think so much about my future. She was widowed in her 30's, never remarried but did have two kids. I want to ask her so bad if she regrets never getting remarried. I've always been anti dating but here lately I have the fear of being alone at the end of my life just like she is. She has a great support system of kids and grand kids. I will have nobody. I'm just so confused lately. I know this post is random but I just needed to vent about these nightmares. Maybe since I let it out I can sleep and not hear the screaming.

Yep and always will.

I've been trying to post an update but my laptop has been acting crazy so I couldn't. The night after we did all of the singing and praying we went to see my grandma and she seemed to be improving. She was carrying on small conversations and seemed to comprehend everything she was talking about. Although she was screaming out in pain because of her head and her hip where she had surgery. Then we went Friday night and she seemed even better. She talked the whole time we were there. We didn't make it to see her yesterday but the lady she is staying with said she ate a whole turkey sandwich for lunch yesterday. Which is impressive because all she has been eating is mashed up food because she can't swallow well. The doctors told my parents that if her brain stopped bleeding she could survive this. I am cautiously optimistic that maybe it has stopped and that is why she is improving. I know that God is able to heal and to bring her off of this death bed but I don't want to get my hopes up only to have her get worse again. It has been such a long emotional week. Thanks again for all of your support.

I hope y'all don't get sick of me posting updates. I just have to let my thoughts out somehow and this feels like the only safe place. We went to visit my grandma tonight. It was me, my parents, my brother and his family. We took our Church song books with us and sang around her bedside. It was really quite beautiful to watch the peace come over her as we sang about the Lord. She tried her best to sing along. I did ok while we were singing but there were moments when she would just freeze and I would think, "Is this it? Is she dead?" I've never been there when someone died before and I really am terrified that I will be there when she passes. She is not doing good at all. She would holler out for her brother who has been dead for years. She kept hollering for my dad. It's so sad. My heart is so broken but she is tired. If God takes her home, I won't be mad at Him. She is tired and she is ready. I don't want her to go but I don't want her to suffer either. Please keep praying.