Ursula

Hi TC, I am sorry for your loss. I found a lot of support in this forum when I was widowed in 2014 - I don't come back often here anymore but when I do I see a lot of names I know and it is good to read how well some progress and I always find a common shared thought and see that many of my thoughts are not unique at all . I am Swiss, but I live in the Caribbean at the moment, I was one of the widows who met up with some of our American wid-friends in Amsterdam in 2015 - it was great, very helpful and we all made great connections. I will likely return to Europe in the next couple of years but nothing sure as of yet. All the best for you, somehow life moves on, if we want it to or not...

This has been a while but I hope your sons are doing better 🌞

Dear Lindsay, I am so very sorry to hear of your tragedy. As everybody above said, take it bit by bit, moment by moment, give yourself time. There are no answers to the forever 'why me, us, now' questions that are screaming in your head. I lost my husband over 4 years ago and it does get easier. I never believed that when I was at this early ,your, stage, but it does happen and even if this is no consolation to you now, you can and will get there, one day at the time, in your own time. This place has saved me from going insane and there are some wonderful people here. Try and come here often, it makes one feel less alone with this trauma and people have helped me so many times through so many sleepless nights. All my warmest wishes to you from afar with getting through to see the ilght again and good luck with the rpegnancy and all that comes after.

Thank you for sharing this. I cried my eyes out, so I am probably in the wrong section here... but when he describes how he archeologist- like wants to excavate all the things left behind by his wife...he killed me. I recently found a hair of my husband's in the bedding and it floored me completely. I was going to put it somewhere safe but then decided to just let it be blown away by the breeze..

Hi, great idea, no there is nothing out there. I hate articles who only include single parents by choice and divorcees, the widowed d onot exist somehow...keep me updated, I' d be interested. our son was almost 2 when he lost his father. He misses a dad. I cannot be a dad. I had to find out that I cannot explain some male physical stuff to him, because I don't know, so I send him t ohis uncles, cousins etc. I worry abuot the effect of my grief on his psyche. I am still stressed and down and cry often, old and new pain and I always wanted to be a happy mum... keep me posted, I will think abuot more stuff...good luck

yes, I would have wanted more than one child too. I totally understand where you are coming from. I am 47 now and the man I would have actually considered as a potential child father for a sibling for my boy walked out after 2 months and until I meet somebody who might make me want to think like that again , it will be too late. A lot of too lates....

Hi, sorry no advice, but understand how you feel. it IS difficult. I totally messed up my first try at something new after almost4 years....good luck and I would advice to keep him away from the children until he has figured out what he wants and if you want him in the family and if that would be a role for him. My date run suddenly and I had allowed him into our mini family way too soon so more loss for my son who is only 6 now and misses a father...good luck!!

Hello and thank you for saying this. Our son is now 6 , his father died when he was just about two. I constantly worry that I mess him up because I am often a very depressed mum and I cry a lot, old pain and new pain. He is a very sensitive little boy and had to grow up so fast. It still kills me when I see him miss a / his dad and I suppose it always will. It is not fair on our children to be bereaved when they hardly know what life is.. thank you and all the best to you.

Hello, i think it is difficult to say and depends on what kind of person you are. If moving is something you would rather not do, it may be very exhausting at this moment and you may feel lonely in the new place, where you haven't got a social network. on the other hand a change of scenery may be a positive challenge. Simplified scheduling for you and your son makes for less stress, which is good. I hear you, not easy, but I agree with what Trying said, it should be your decision and yes, take your time and do what feels right for you now. Will your son be going to the same school ? Maybe a change of school could be another criterion that would support your decision, depending on the outlook. Room to roam for boys and dogs is great , I agree. Three months in is so hard. I wish you strength and good luck with whatever you decide. If you do decide to move, get some professional movers, to help you, if you can afford it. Take care

Dear Maureen, Well done, congratulations, you are awsome and an inspiration (we all think that , see above!!). What a great accomplishment. You did it on my son's Birthday! Good luck with the move, and all it entails. I hope you find a new home and a job that keeps you going and content. May the sun shine on you Maureen, you deserve it !! hugs

Hello, I am dusting the bar and washing some glasses, this place has been deserted forever!!!! ouch, hit my head against the discoball, hanging a bit low. I think this place needs reopening, fresh stack as the bar is completely empty, and some guests. This place rocked a couple of years ago...... anybody else???

fell asleep taking our boy to bed at 9pm! ...and slept, how exciting can that be??.. and sexy as hell!!

We are all so different in our needs and defining our comfort zones. There are no inappropriate thoughts, they are only thoughts .... As long as everybody is on the same page, be safe and enjoy. I am 3 years out and can't imagine being with another man yet. I thought then, I want to have sex with this man for the rest of my life, he died a couple of years later... well, when the urge pops up, nothing wrong with a little DIY and no harm done. As for me, one-night stands always made me look for things that were not there and left me feel empty.

MissingAC, I am sorry you had to find us. Those shitty days come and go. Forcibly we kind of get used to them and the pain does round offf at the edges with time. I am soon 3 years out and get these moments, unpredictably. Be kind to yourself, we are allowed to grieve, it means we love and it has to get out, otherwise it eats us up from inside. hugs to you we are here.

Hello, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Married or not, you obviously had a connection with him and that is the important thing. This is so overwhelming, all feelings are 'allowed' . You will find your way and can. Don't give up. This is a good place, you will always find someone who has a minute and a soothing word and that is what we all need. It is easier to know you are not completely alone in this and there are people who can relate and understand. This website has saved me in so many desperate moments, there are some great people here you will see. look after yourself, people will tell you all sorts of things and many may be hurtful, they do that because they are overwhelmed with imagining the unimaginable. hugs to you

sorry to hear you found unsettling stuff. Facebook is really bad for this. yes, I know what you are talking about, it hurts and angers and complicates things greatly, mainly by increasing the pain....but in the end, it has got nothing to do with you. Whoever she is, whateve she meant or did not mean, it has nothing to do with you. I managed to let go and forgive at some point rather early on. self protection probably. We don' t need to hurt more than we already do. and since we cannot talk abuot it with them, there really is no point to turn it over and over in our heads...

Hi Rooshy, I. have tried to figure uot what some of my dreams meant ...in our subconscious we know they are dead, we wish they weren' t but to me your dream says that he is not available. dreams are frsutrating both ways I find, if they are good, one is sad waking up to find that one is in same griev ing business , when they are bad, they don't exactly make us feel goo either.... wishing you happy dreams to enjoy!

Maureen, can' t say more than 'thinking of you'. Your little list of the last things that matter says it all. hugs

Hi Maureen, sorry to hear how lonely you feel during this difficult time. It doesnt help if the prospect is dire. Let me just send a little hug up north and a wee you are not alone thought. feeling pretty helpless about this too. walk on...

I hear you. Our little boy just loves other men. one of mh My BILs is very good with him, but just on such another wave than his dad used to be. It hurts that he has to miss out knowing how much his own dad would love him. And yes, I think I am way too motherly in bringing up this boy and that a good portion of fathering would do him good. I think a blance between mother and father is just healthier than just one side.. on the other hand many children grow up to be ok with only half the parents. maybe we just should stop fretting over it and get out and kick a ball with them. ours has not complained yet about mum s bad football playing..

Keeper of the memories, yes, and it is as epic as it sounds. I am the sole keeper here, we only knew eachother 6 years, lived together four, our son was two when we lost him. It is a task of epic proportions and we can only fill in such small things. I am on the lookout like a hawk to shield our child from thoughtless comments from my family who did not like Alex particularly and we had too little time to have more memories. Our boy only remembers what I tell him, I realise as time goes on how fuzzy everything gets It. hurts to see ones children have no memory of their father or mother. I have not managed to write down our story for fear of the pain which I know is cowardly but I just could not bring myself to do it yet... I hope you can save your pictures from old mac, picture files seem to survive crashes though, so keeping fingerd crossed. Pictures are very powerful. I made a photobook for Alex s son from before we knew eachother, with whom we are in touch , and I think he treasured it, even though it must have knocked him. off his feet , he is only twelve . I just put all the pictures I found of them togehter in a book. And they tell a story. Memories are tough. all the best.

Dear Rob, so sorry to hear your daughter is struggling. I wish she can find a path and a straw to hold on, then a branch and so on. What you write about her is the nicest thing I have read in a while, such a declaration of love from your father is a blessing. all the best to you and your girl

Jman , I am sorry you have to come here. It is a good place for solace and advice, there are always wise people who say things that help. Let me tell you that you are amazing, 5 children alone and working???? I have one and am wor king and I think I am doing a halfway ok job, but you are bringing up 5!!! sound great to me! oh and the negative people? They lurk everywhere with their hurtful not useful comments. I don' t know why they just can't be helpful instead... hope you keep finding the good ones and all the best for you and your ilttle ones.

Macc bit of a late reply but I came here to look for some advice as I had a bad rant at our 4 year old. It happens, it is the emotional exhaustion and the frustration with being in pain that makes us do it I think. I would have so much more patience and less nerves if I was my content self but the last almost 3 Jears are taking their toll and it is scary and sad at the same time. I don' t think you broke their spirit I believe that it takes more than that... and apologising is demonstrating them that you are reflecting on your actions and that is a good lesson. I wish it would not happen but reading everybody's statements just shows how human it is. we are not perfect and they are neither. They wre not supposed to be without one parent and we aren't supposed to be without our chosen partners....not easy. Let' s try to learn and grow...togeher? hugs

Blimey, very well written, it tore me apart though. Almost 3 years on. I think it is all the sadness that we are trying to keep buried, despite letting it out, there is a lot more to come. I especially like how she describes how we change after our beloved dies, how our brains seem overwhelmed by the simplest of tasks. Thank you Maureen for sharing and everybody else who planned to :-)