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  1. Sugarbell


    Thank you all. For some reason, this year is more evident with my sons. They were babies..only 3 and 4 years old when DH passed. They are now 15 and 16..both over 6'4..They resemble their Dad in so many ways. They have almost become men. It's been just me. All the experiences, memories, pictures over the past 12 years its been just Mom and kids. It's become the norm for them. But some years, during a certain time of year..It all flashes back. It especially does for my oldest, who has a few faint memories. It's hard to explain. It will always be there and I have learned to accept it. I hate though when my children hurt. It's usually my oldest too. It might be because he has a few memories, it might be his personality. It might be because this little boy pretty much became a man overnight after his Dad's suicide ( not pressure from me, or anyone..but he changed..we all saw it) My kids are my inspiration, yet I can't help but worry. For the first time in YEARS, I felt angry at DH for dying. Seeing my son cry privately really tore me up this year. Things are much better now. It's October..September passed again and it's back to normal.
  2. Sugarbell

    10 years

    I get it..life is now so different, yet other times it seems like yesterday we were in our "old life" Hugs to you. No matter how long, some years it still stings.
  3. Today makes 12 years since B died from suicide. It's my middle son's 15th Birthday. It's the usual...party this weekend for him..Out Of Darkness Walk in the morning...Endless sports activities so I am too tired to think much about it. Volleyball last night away..tonight traveling to golf match. It still hits me, cried last night for the first time in a year over it. NG and middle son and oldest son's girlfriend traveling with me to golf match for oldest son. He has some sadness now over his Dad's death the older he is. It's a lifetime ago, but having kids so young when their Dad died..it's something that always creeps up. Doesn't debilitate us or anything..My kids are well adjusted/well rounded great kids. But that hidden void is always there. Today I have an extra level of exhaustion with work and juggling everything..The hidden "void" is just creeped around my neck. My middle son still doesn't know he Dad killed himself on his birthday. He thinks its the 27th, the day I found his body. I will take that to my grave. And the exhaustion that will always come with "that day".
  4. Sugarbell

    I got my son to 16!

    Congrats!! That's a big deal! I feel the same way with milestones. I don't want to wish my kids childhoods away but everytime each one started Kindergarten, etc, it was a sense of a relief. Like "Ok, we made it this far" LOL- My younger son turns 15 in two weeks- He can get his learners then, but another full year before official license. I will tell you, now that my oldest son has been driving almost a year, it does make juggling a little easier! Congrats again!
  5. Yes Yes Yes! NG lives on his family farm/land. His Mom is right down the hill next door. He drives her everywhere daily. No way in hell would I ever move out there. Something tells me she is also going to outlive him. Extremely needy and he does everything for her. Really wish he wasn't so nice and so damn good looking. Reading what I have posted (between his train wreck kids, crazy family, crazy ex and extremely needy mother) is making me question this whole thing more and more. I am in rural WV. Pickings are very slim and with 3 teenagers I really don't want to be out in the dating scene in my childhood hometown. Ugh!
  6. i knew it wouldn’t be easy..but really our kids are from 2 different worlds. His were spoiled, but both parents..Son wrecks a car or two-buy him new one..numerous DUI, jobs, failed drug tests at work, rehab. Now is living with his moms parents along with girlfriend and new baby. Just a mess. Daughter very very different. Just different work ethic. Actually i keep my kids separate from his entire extended 200 member (or more) family around here. It’s just too bizarre. Future? I doubt it. I don’t want anyone else..but i doubt we ever marry.
  7. This. NG (well its going on 3 years now) and I will never fully blend. His 25 year old son is a train wreck and irresponsible human who takes advantage of his Dad (and everyone) My 16 year old doesn't ever want to me around him. His comment "I have absolutely nothing in common with him and I have no respect for him" My kids are achievers. His children are not. My kids work summer jobs..his kids want handouts. He is a pushover to his kids..I am a hard ass to mine. I refuse to bend when it comes to my kids, I have worked too hard to get them this far. We have college on the horizon. My high school Junior has taken the ACT 3 times to get his score the highest he possibly can for scholarships. His daughter who is a Senior, has yet to ever even take it. You get my drift. our 5 kids will never blend. Sometimes I wonder what is the point, except I do enjoy his companionship and he is a great guy. My middle son says I just stay because "You are in a tiny town and he is a good looking guy., Pickings are limited in these parts Mom". Oh well...Life is indeed a journey.
  8. Sugarbell

    Have you ever been called out?

    Yes. My Mom called me out numerous times in my early days. I needed it, but was too out of my mind and took offense to it. One friend called me out (when I was using pills, because on the surface most couldn't tell except the people who really knew me)- With her I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Usually, anytime someone is called out on their parenting, expect them to get defensive and be pissed off. Whether or not they are widowed. 9 times out of 10 though, it needs to be said. I would rather someone call me out to my face as opposed to behind my back. So actually, in the long run- they will respect you for it. (except it may take a while, possibly years) Of course some folks will always stay in denial if they are a shitty parent and look to blame others. So some people it never helps.
  9. Sugarbell

    Will our 4 year old remember Daddy?

    My son was 4 when his Dad died. He is now 16. I agree with Portside, the memories did fade. I talk about him, pictures, we visit his old friends once a year. I feel like my son "knows" his Dad through all of these experiences. However, he does have a few isolated memories. He remembers riding on a golf cart with his Dad, his Dad helping with his TBall team briefly...Sometimes he will hear a song and out of the blue will say "Did Dad listen to this?"- And he did in the car with him. He only has a tiny handful of memories, but I am glad he remembers a few positive things. My other two kids were 3 months and 3. They remember nothing. I believe that age 4 is like the cut out when we can selectively have memories. (although I will tell you the older he gets, his mind will be full of new experiences and they will fade. He will probably though be able to remember a few)
  10. I told NG that I like the title "girlfriend" and the grandbaby can call me girlfriend D LOL She had the baby..I didn't go. It actually worked out well, she went into labor during the week..both nights she was in the hospital my kids had tons of activities (dance, ball, work)- I couldn't go. They were all present for the birth. Ugh. NG had to run his Mom up there both nights...ex wives sugar Daddy came in for the birth. But the "girlfriend" was missing in action. I am having the young parents up to . my house for a tiny cookout with the baby. (just them) whenever they get settled in (but they are living with ex wives parents so that may . never happen but I made the offer/gesture)
  11. Never thought I would go back to the town I was raised in and have such a cultural divide in a relationship. That places this widda journey has taken me.
  12. SS I am really sorry you are having a rough time, bitchy daughter, dog dying and kidney stones (ugh) would make me feel real negative! It;s a jungle out there. My Memorial Weekend was with two of my kids.(My 16 year old had to work at a his new summer job so he stayed with my parents) We went to the mountains, family cemetaries, kayaked, hiked, ziplined. It was a fun time. NG always has his Memorial Day family cookout. We have gone for the past two Memorial day weekends (We used to always go to the mountains on Memorial Day- and went to his cook out instead the past two years)- This year my kids said "No way!"- They don't enjoy it. His extended family is very nice to me..But lets just say they are different. My kids don't enjoy the company. So I wasn't going to push it this year. It's not fair to them. So we went back to our traditions and he did his. (He has to do ALL THE WORK for this cook out thing. Mow a hundred acres, get all the food ready, the smoker griller...He plants over a hundred flowers at the family cemetary where his brother and Dad are buried- Well they are buried on the family farm. It's really kinda like the Hatfield and McCoy's days. And the family all talks about each other, lots of kids with different Dads... Usually some relative just got out of jail, or is on home confinement..in rehab. It's always something. My kids just can't deal with it and I don't want them around it) NG I think was very disappointed we didn't go. I just told him we are going back to our own traditions and my kids don't want to go anymore. Yeah- it's kinda a mess. He did however, come over Memorial Day when we got home and took me for dinner and drinks just the two of us. However, mid life...it's not longer about just the two of us dating. It's all the other stuff that makes it complicated. s
  13. I am so sorry for this family and you and your son. It is just heartbreaking when this happens to young people. We've lost 3 students to suicide at our high school in 20 months. Just breaks my heart. One was a friend of my oldest son. They weren't close, but occasionally ran around in the same group. You are doing the right thing following your sons lead on this. It's such a complex, devastating issue for young people to process.
  14. His family obligations are much more complicated than mine. Bunny- I agree not sure the hang up with marriage/living together to be successful either. Actually I enjoy the space, just do get annoyed with how much is on his plate (driving his elderly Mother around everyday, taking her to dinner, being the doormat for his siblings, doing everything on the family farm)- As far as kids, ex (even thought she is certifiably nuts)-that is to be expected in mid life. All the other stuff, it's almost foreign to me. I don't think I will want "all in" for many years.. Hell maybe never. I like the feeling of raising my kids totally on my own. I don't want to have another person parenting them or making decisions. If I needed a husband, I could find one. As could most of us. (At my 4 year mark, I felt I needed to be married. My rock bottom was my 3 month marriage post widowhood.) Sorry, Just not a co-dependent type. Some people need it. Some of us don't. It's more enjoyable being the exclusive girlfriend.
  15. Yes and No. This will sound bad but i’m in the drivers seat in this relationship. If i would move my kids out there, go along with his family stuff he would marry me next week. But I don’t want to. To me, that would be settling. I’m not emotionally ready for all of it...Honestly, at this season/stage of my life i wouldn’t be ready with anyone.

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