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  • Date Widowed
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  1. i knew it wouldn’t be easy..but really our kids are from 2 different worlds. His were spoiled, but both parents..Son wrecks a car or two-buy him new one..numerous DUI, jobs, failed drug tests at work, rehab. Now is living with his moms parents along with girlfriend and new baby. Just a mess. Daughter very very different. Just different work ethic. Actually i keep my kids separate from his entire extended 200 member (or more) family around here. It’s just too bizarre. Future? I doubt it. I don’t want anyone else..but i doubt we ever marry.
  2. This. NG (well its going on 3 years now) and I will never fully blend. His 25 year old son is a train wreck and irresponsible human who takes advantage of his Dad (and everyone) My 16 year old doesn't ever want to me around him. His comment "I have absolutely nothing in common with him and I have no respect for him" My kids are achievers. His children are not. My kids work summer jobs..his kids want handouts. He is a pushover to his kids..I am a hard ass to mine. I refuse to bend when it comes to my kids, I have worked too hard to get them this far. We have college on the horizon. My high school Junior has taken the ACT 3 times to get his score the highest he possibly can for scholarships. His daughter who is a Senior, has yet to ever even take it. You get my drift. our 5 kids will never blend. Sometimes I wonder what is the point, except I do enjoy his companionship and he is a great guy. My middle son says I just stay because "You are in a tiny town and he is a good looking guy., Pickings are limited in these parts Mom". Oh well...Life is indeed a journey.
  3. Sugarbell

    Have you ever been called out?

    Yes. My Mom called me out numerous times in my early days. I needed it, but was too out of my mind and took offense to it. One friend called me out (when I was using pills, because on the surface most couldn't tell except the people who really knew me)- With her I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Usually, anytime someone is called out on their parenting, expect them to get defensive and be pissed off. Whether or not they are widowed. 9 times out of 10 though, it needs to be said. I would rather someone call me out to my face as opposed to behind my back. So actually, in the long run- they will respect you for it. (except it may take a while, possibly years) Of course some folks will always stay in denial if they are a shitty parent and look to blame others. So some people it never helps.
  4. Sugarbell

    Will our 4 year old remember Daddy?

    My son was 4 when his Dad died. He is now 16. I agree with Portside, the memories did fade. I talk about him, pictures, we visit his old friends once a year. I feel like my son "knows" his Dad through all of these experiences. However, he does have a few isolated memories. He remembers riding on a golf cart with his Dad, his Dad helping with his TBall team briefly...Sometimes he will hear a song and out of the blue will say "Did Dad listen to this?"- And he did in the car with him. He only has a tiny handful of memories, but I am glad he remembers a few positive things. My other two kids were 3 months and 3. They remember nothing. I believe that age 4 is like the cut out when we can selectively have memories. (although I will tell you the older he gets, his mind will be full of new experiences and they will fade. He will probably though be able to remember a few)
  5. I told NG that I like the title "girlfriend" and the grandbaby can call me girlfriend D LOL She had the baby..I didn't go. It actually worked out well, she went into labor during the week..both nights she was in the hospital my kids had tons of activities (dance, ball, work)- I couldn't go. They were all present for the birth. Ugh. NG had to run his Mom up there both nights...ex wives sugar Daddy came in for the birth. But the "girlfriend" was missing in action. I am having the young parents up to . my house for a tiny cookout with the baby. (just them) whenever they get settled in (but they are living with ex wives parents so that may . never happen but I made the offer/gesture)
  6. Never thought I would go back to the town I was raised in and have such a cultural divide in a relationship. That places this widda journey has taken me.
  7. SS I am really sorry you are having a rough time, bitchy daughter, dog dying and kidney stones (ugh) would make me feel real negative! It;s a jungle out there. My Memorial Weekend was with two of my kids.(My 16 year old had to work at a his new summer job so he stayed with my parents) We went to the mountains, family cemetaries, kayaked, hiked, ziplined. It was a fun time. NG always has his Memorial Day family cookout. We have gone for the past two Memorial day weekends (We used to always go to the mountains on Memorial Day- and went to his cook out instead the past two years)- This year my kids said "No way!"- They don't enjoy it. His extended family is very nice to me..But lets just say they are different. My kids don't enjoy the company. So I wasn't going to push it this year. It's not fair to them. So we went back to our traditions and he did his. (He has to do ALL THE WORK for this cook out thing. Mow a hundred acres, get all the food ready, the smoker griller...He plants over a hundred flowers at the family cemetary where his brother and Dad are buried- Well they are buried on the family farm. It's really kinda like the Hatfield and McCoy's days. And the family all talks about each other, lots of kids with different Dads... Usually some relative just got out of jail, or is on home confinement..in rehab. It's always something. My kids just can't deal with it and I don't want them around it) NG I think was very disappointed we didn't go. I just told him we are going back to our own traditions and my kids don't want to go anymore. Yeah- it's kinda a mess. He did however, come over Memorial Day when we got home and took me for dinner and drinks just the two of us. However, mid life...it's not longer about just the two of us dating. It's all the other stuff that makes it complicated. s
  8. I am so sorry for this family and you and your son. It is just heartbreaking when this happens to young people. We've lost 3 students to suicide at our high school in 20 months. Just breaks my heart. One was a friend of my oldest son. They weren't close, but occasionally ran around in the same group. You are doing the right thing following your sons lead on this. It's such a complex, devastating issue for young people to process.
  9. His family obligations are much more complicated than mine. Bunny- I agree not sure the hang up with marriage/living together to be successful either. Actually I enjoy the space, just do get annoyed with how much is on his plate (driving his elderly Mother around everyday, taking her to dinner, being the doormat for his siblings, doing everything on the family farm)- As far as kids, ex (even thought she is certifiably nuts)-that is to be expected in mid life. All the other stuff, it's almost foreign to me. I don't think I will want "all in" for many years.. Hell maybe never. I like the feeling of raising my kids totally on my own. I don't want to have another person parenting them or making decisions. If I needed a husband, I could find one. As could most of us. (At my 4 year mark, I felt I needed to be married. My rock bottom was my 3 month marriage post widowhood.) Sorry, Just not a co-dependent type. Some people need it. Some of us don't. It's more enjoyable being the exclusive girlfriend.
  10. Yes and No. This will sound bad but i’m in the drivers seat in this relationship. If i would move my kids out there, go along with his family stuff he would marry me next week. But I don’t want to. To me, that would be settling. I’m not emotionally ready for all of it...Honestly, at this season/stage of my life i wouldn’t be ready with anyone.
  11. No. Most relationships are not this way. However, being in a relationship mid life (for me) compared to when I was in a relationship in my 20's is totally different. NG has a life from previous marriage. His children are "higher maintenance" than mine (and they are adults)- I have a preteen and two teenagers. I have worked my rear off to get them where they are now. I won't sacrifice my kids future. My expectations for my kids are very different than his expectations for his children. No, this isn't ideal. But it is what it is. We are exclusive and talk several times a day.. However, our lives are very different with different cultures and expectations. In the beginning I was an "All In" type. He won't work with us, not right now. He's a very loyal and committed boyfriend. He's not a player, I love his character and he is beyond handsome. However, the timing isn't right. It maybe someday, it may not. I maybe a 75 year old girlfriend with a separate house. We may tomorrow and I could fall madly in love with someone else years to come. I just don't know. Life is uncertain. I've learned over the years to just go with the flow..what will be will be.
  12. I get this. This is our third summer as well. The first summer I tried to plan and just got frustrated. I ended up feeling hurt and taken advantage of. I have beach trip planned in July (just my 3 kids and myself) We did the same thing last summer. Last summer also went to NYC with girlfriends. It shocked NG that I just went about my vacations and plans without him last year. Doing the same this year. It's not worth the headache and it was a 3 ring circus with all his "stuff". Mountain trip planned over Memorial Day next week. - Just kids and I. NG and I are going to Hilton Head for 3 days in June-Just us no kids. That's "our time". For me, it's easier to keep it separate. It's the only way that its fair to my kids. First summer I compromised (made my kids go to the county fair because he goes for a week with his daughter, made my kids go to his crazy family summer gatherings)- Not anymore. Haven't in two years. My kids are happier, I am happier. NG is very attentive and tries to spend as much time as he can with me. I think he knows I will not stop my life or my kids life. It works for this season of our life. Will we last forever? No clue. It's a day by day process. Blending Families? Not happening. At least not for a while.
  13. So glad others think it’s strange. When DH and i had each child we wanted NO ONE until the next day. When i told NG this he was shocked. The appalachia culture wants all 100 relatives there. We even rescheduled our trip to Hilton Head which was going to be May 11-14th. She’s due in 2 weeks and i was afraid we would get there, his son would call and we would have to leave. When i told NG if that happened i was staying put he was shocked. i didn’t get why they all have to be there that day..the baby will be around forever. The culture differences are stressful to me. But i’m trying to compromise and not get too worked up with it. I just the girlfriend..i fell myself this more and more often lately.
  14. Been in a relationship going on three years. We do not live together and are not talking marriage. (too long of a backstory- backwoods family, crazy ex, he lives on family farm too far out of town, etc) Our relationship is solid, even through its not progressing. I am perfectly fine with it. However, his 25 year old (unemployed and drug addicted) son is expecting his first child end of May. NG is excited and wants me to be there when the baby is born. (along with his family, his psycho ex wife and her new sugar daddy_)- I don't want to go. I know he's my boyfriend and we are there for each other. However, since we aren't progressing into marriage/living together any time soon..WHy should I have to? I just don't agree with the whole circumstances of how this irresponsible young adult has brought onto himself. Him and girlfriend are living with his ex wifes parents in a room. It's just hard to genuinely be happy for them. Am I just a bitch? It's ok to say "yes"..maybe I need to hear it. Just not sure the "obligations" of a long term steady..
  15. Sugarbell


    If it's your wife's best friend..well that's a little weird. Just a friend of acquaintance, it happens. Her best friend?? Sounds a little opportunistic on her part. Just my opinion.

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