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  • Date Widowed
  • Cause of death

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  1. I have been with my guy for over 3 years. We are exclusive but do not live together, we aren't engaged, no plans to get married any time soon. Normally this would bother me, especially after dating for a while. In this case, it's all either one of us can give each other right now. So really it works. Do I want more? Maybe someday, right now I like having my little place in town and being the only one in the drivers seat with my 3 teenagers. I don't want to take on his kids, his ex, his family baggage. About 9 years ago I had a 5 month "marriage"- it was a disaster. (about 3 years after being widowed)- It was the basement below my rock bottom. So I take everything now one day at a time.
  2. Sugarbell

    Social Isolation and the Rabbit Hole

    I get this. It's a familiar feeling from 12 years ago. During this period of "social distancing" our school has been closed (along with most around the country)- Well, my boss- our head high school principal killed herself. The shock and trauma this little town in feeling is so familiar to the shock I felt when DH died from suicide 12.5 years ago. So yeah, I get this. It's an eerie time for me. Colleagues are reaching out to me for advice on handling the anger and shock and I really don't want to talk about it. Ugh- dreading going back to school (I work with behavioral disordered, learning disordered students. So many are broken and depressed anyway- I know this death of our school leader is going to send some over the edge) So yeah DragonTears, I hear you! Vent away, cause I am doing the same thing on your thread! lol- Hope you are doing well.
  3. Hi I am sugarbell, I was on the old board as well. I was widowed at age 36 to suicide with 3 kids under the age of 5. Fast forward 12 1/2 years- they are all teenagers, two driving and the other one in middle school. This quarantine has made me reflect more on my early days of being on the board, widowed, having tiny kids. This is the first time in years that all 3 of my kids are home 24/7. I am also a high school teacher, so I am home with them. It's a bizarre familiarity to me. Reminds me so much of when I didn't work and they were all home with me. It also has made me think of any new widows out there with young kids during this time ( I don't know how many times I have thought "thank goodness my kids are older while we are on lockdown)- I worked through A LOT of stuff on the old board. This is a great sounding board with great people from all walks of lives. I will be eternally grateful to those who I met along the way, and those who gave me a listening ear when it seemed like no one else was available. I am not here very often, but will be checking in more since we are on "Lock down" for a while in my state. Hugs and support to anyone new joining us.
  4. Sugarbell

    Other Single Moms

    A wise widower once told me when I first became widowed- "Don't worry about being the only single Mom- You are only 36 (and I had 3 kids under age 5)- By the time you hit 40 and the kids are a little older, they will start all getting divorced" It sounds cynical, but he was right. In my old town of Stepford, 10 years ago I was the only single Mom. Now at least 3/4 of a little group of couples in my sons grade- they are now divorced. Now, I know about just as many single parents as I do married parents.
  5. CW- I get this to an extent. NG youngest is 18- thank God she is a Senior this year (very immature 18 year old, but at least she will be out of school) The crazy ex will always be there. It's something I struggle with, yet its gotten much better since she has a steady sugar daddy. I do sometimes feel like I am behind his Mother, kids, farm, etc. It gets old. He tries to make a conscious effort, but its still at times aggravating. I don't think I am not moving on because of the ex, its all the other issues. Somedays, not sure we ever will get to that place. For now, I am ok with it. His ex is still bat shit crazy..bought a car very similar to my old car (so I traded my old one in and got a new one)- Sugar Daddy and her bought a house together. Tiny brick ranch like mine. On New Years we took all of our kids to the mountains ski resort. She goes to the other ski resort. (But has never skied and used to hate the mountains) When I changed my FB profile pic to NG and myself in the mountains..within an hour she changed hers to her and new guy..wearing the same type of hat and scarf I had on. We have a handful of mutual friends who brought it to my attention. It's just bizarre. So I stay away, no contact. In 3 years, I am polite but cool. She's just too crazy for me to get involved in that mess. Like you, I focus on my kids and I will admit, I no longer focus much on his. It's too much drama/jealousy on the ex's part so I am nice, but my kids are my top priority. Selfish, yes..Self preservation-yes. Staying in my bubble- absolutely.
  6. He wants his cake and eat it too. He has fleeting moments of missing you, don't bite. Ignore him. What a tool!
  7. Sugarbell

    For those further along (5+years)

    It was 12 years this past September. When he died I had 3 kids under age 5. I became a pill head (opiates) My addiction stalled my healing for the first 4 years after his death. I dated a lot, but was a mess. Had a 5 month marriage that luckily got annulled. Just an absolute train wreck. At about 4.5 years-Decided it was time to get my shit together. I have been in long term recovery from opiates for 8 years this February. I have had a few 2-3 year relationships. In a relationship now with a wonderful man (going on 3 years)- Marriage is NOT on the horizon anytime soon. I like our situation just the way it is. Maybe when my kids are grown and gone, maybe not. Who knows if I will ever remarry? Renewed my teaching license and picked up a few extra endorsements. Moved the kids back to my childhood hometown. Teach at the high school my boys attend. Honestly, my life is right where I want it. I still talk to DH everyday in my mind, usually about the kids. My relationship with DH is in a good place. I was angry as hell the first 4 years which also helped fuel my addiction. If I have learned anything, its that every situation is unique with unique circumstances.
  8. So you have all his numbers/info blocked? You can no longer receive texts?- That is the only way I have ever been able to have a successful clean break. After 3 months, I am sure he is missing aspects of your relationship. Right now though, you can't be platonic friends. It hurts too much on your part. Block all contact. The Christmas Card was just stupid of him. I am sure it wasn't sent with malice, but he wasn't thinking. I am sorry you were sick on Christmas Eve. Hope you are healing and getting better over the rest of the Holidays.
  9. Sugarbell

    two households.......one me

    I would struggle if I stayed 4-5 days at one house then weekends at my house. Focus on your house. Look at his place as your "getaway" 3 year relationship and we have not blended. I don't see it happening in the immediate future. We are on the same page with this. If you are both on the same page and in agreement, it can work out. Actually, you can have the best of both worlds in my opinion. I have found that boundaries are important in this type of situation. Boundaries for the kids, boundaries to protect you, boundaries for your BF. I know you said your kids are adults (and technically they are)- However, 21 with mental health issues. That can take more energy than a 10 year old. I don't know the right answer, dating is so hard middle age with each person having their own set of "issues and stuff". Does your BF have grown kids? I don't try to take care of his house. Sometimes my son will go out and help him mow or weed-eat, but for the most part his house is his responsibility and my house is mine (Although with handy man fix it stuff, he helps me far more than I help him so it's unbalanced- I recognize this and am appreciative) Just take time to take care of you and don't overextend yourself with responsibilities.
  10. Sugarbell

    Teen daughter struggling

    Just saw this too, chiming in very late. Not yet, we haven't had problems. My daughter is only 12 though. My boys are just loud and I believe my oldest has alot of suppressed anger. But not at the level of needing therapy/medication. As a high school teacher, we see this more and more with incoming freshmen (14 year olds)- Both boys and girls cutting, self harm, eating disorders, etc. I am not sure why the sudden spike. With your daughter being adopted, do you have any access to her biological parents health history? That could shed some light and help you understand what you might be dealing with. And yes, it passes for many. Hang in there Momma! You are doing the right thing and being there for her. Teenage years are tough under the best of circumstances.
  11. I have a hard time with the whole gift giving too. Receiving and giving with NG. Yes, he knows. I think he was relieved that I wasn't looking for a husband immediately. We had the discussion about two years ago. We are in year 3. He won't ever "leave" out there. If his Mom would pass away, he would be open to living somewhere else and keeping the land (where they all now live) as a hunting camp. It's really not fit for anyone to live out that far in my opinion. LOL..Yes, as a camp- but not as a residence. My excuse is "My 3 kids are so active and so involved and I live 2 minutes from the schools"- He knows exactly how I feel. I think he's scared I am going to just be done with all of it. My kids like him, they don't need any disruptions right now and it works since I am independent and busy..but sometimes well, its really not enough. The pickings are slim here. I didn't move back to my hometown for my social life though. LOL
  12. You are absolutely correct Tybec. I am sure you have a sense of relief to be away from all of it- Yes, I am sure sadness and shock too, but yet relief. I can't do it. I know this. We will not live together or get married until his Mom is gone. That may never happen. (because my intuition tells me she will outlive him) She never helped in child rearing, she is very very codependent and he has to take care of her. It's just weird.It has definitely made me put on the brakes in our relationship. We are exclusive, but I am very busy during the week, and enjoy the occasional companionship on the weekends. The entire family is so dysfunctional- it's like beyond anything I ever imagined existed. I grew up in this area and had no idea families in this area were this way. He is a wonderful man. But way too much baggage for anything beyond what we have now.
  13. NG went off on his Mom. The co-dependent needy Mom that he has to pick up every evening, run her all over town for errands..take her with him to Friday night football games. It's so dysfunctional I can't even explain all of it. It's a very unhealthy family- Typical extended Appalachian family..all talk about each other, argue, take sides, fight over land..It's just insane. Anyway, I figure it will be back to the normal unhealthy no boundaries relationship within a few days..but this was a first since we have been dating. They aren't speaking. He really did blow up, but it's been brewing for months now. (It involved my sons..family land..just a mess. I marked her off a long time ago,- Seriously you wouldn't believe it unless you were there. This type of upbringing is even foreign to me and I have grown up in WV)- Good God. One of the many reasons I don't see us ever marrying until Momma is gone and my kids are grown.
  14. Sugarbell


    Thank you all. For some reason, this year is more evident with my sons. They were babies..only 3 and 4 years old when DH passed. They are now 15 and 16..both over 6'4..They resemble their Dad in so many ways. They have almost become men. It's been just me. All the experiences, memories, pictures over the past 12 years its been just Mom and kids. It's become the norm for them. But some years, during a certain time of year..It all flashes back. It especially does for my oldest, who has a few faint memories. It's hard to explain. It will always be there and I have learned to accept it. I hate though when my children hurt. It's usually my oldest too. It might be because he has a few memories, it might be his personality. It might be because this little boy pretty much became a man overnight after his Dad's suicide ( not pressure from me, or anyone..but he changed..we all saw it) My kids are my inspiration, yet I can't help but worry. For the first time in YEARS, I felt angry at DH for dying. Seeing my son cry privately really tore me up this year. Things are much better now. It's October..September passed again and it's back to normal.
  15. Sugarbell

    10 years

    I get it..life is now so different, yet other times it seems like yesterday we were in our "old life" Hugs to you. No matter how long, some years it still stings.

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