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  1. Sugarbell

    Teen daughter struggling

    Just saw this too, chiming in very late. Not yet, we haven't had problems. My daughter is only 12 though. My boys are just loud and I believe my oldest has alot of suppressed anger. But not at the level of needing therapy/medication. As a high school teacher, we see this more and more with incoming freshmen (14 year olds)- Both boys and girls cutting, self harm, eating disorders, etc. I am not sure why the sudden spike. With your daughter being adopted, do you have any access to her biological parents health history? That could shed some light and help you understand what you might be dealing with. And yes, it passes for many. Hang in there Momma! You are doing the right thing and being there for her. Teenage years are tough under the best of circumstances.
  2. I have a hard time with the whole gift giving too. Receiving and giving with NG. Yes, he knows. I think he was relieved that I wasn't looking for a husband immediately. We had the discussion about two years ago. We are in year 3. He won't ever "leave" out there. If his Mom would pass away, he would be open to living somewhere else and keeping the land (where they all now live) as a hunting camp. It's really not fit for anyone to live out that far in my opinion. LOL..Yes, as a camp- but not as a residence. My excuse is "My 3 kids are so active and so involved and I live 2 minutes from the schools"- He knows exactly how I feel. I think he's scared I am going to just be done with all of it. My kids like him, they don't need any disruptions right now and it works since I am independent and busy..but sometimes well, its really not enough. The pickings are slim here. I didn't move back to my hometown for my social life though. LOL
  3. You are absolutely correct Tybec. I am sure you have a sense of relief to be away from all of it- Yes, I am sure sadness and shock too, but yet relief. I can't do it. I know this. We will not live together or get married until his Mom is gone. That may never happen. (because my intuition tells me she will outlive him) She never helped in child rearing, she is very very codependent and he has to take care of her. It's just weird.It has definitely made me put on the brakes in our relationship. We are exclusive, but I am very busy during the week, and enjoy the occasional companionship on the weekends. The entire family is so dysfunctional- it's like beyond anything I ever imagined existed. I grew up in this area and had no idea families in this area were this way. He is a wonderful man. But way too much baggage for anything beyond what we have now.
  4. NG went off on his Mom. The co-dependent needy Mom that he has to pick up every evening, run her all over town for errands..take her with him to Friday night football games. It's so dysfunctional I can't even explain all of it. It's a very unhealthy family- Typical extended Appalachian family..all talk about each other, argue, take sides, fight over land..It's just insane. Anyway, I figure it will be back to the normal unhealthy no boundaries relationship within a few days..but this was a first since we have been dating. They aren't speaking. He really did blow up, but it's been brewing for months now. (It involved my sons..family land..just a mess. I marked her off a long time ago,- Seriously you wouldn't believe it unless you were there. This type of upbringing is even foreign to me and I have grown up in WV)- Good God. One of the many reasons I don't see us ever marrying until Momma is gone and my kids are grown.
  5. Sugarbell


    Thank you all. For some reason, this year is more evident with my sons. They were babies..only 3 and 4 years old when DH passed. They are now 15 and 16..both over 6'4..They resemble their Dad in so many ways. They have almost become men. It's been just me. All the experiences, memories, pictures over the past 12 years its been just Mom and kids. It's become the norm for them. But some years, during a certain time of year..It all flashes back. It especially does for my oldest, who has a few faint memories. It's hard to explain. It will always be there and I have learned to accept it. I hate though when my children hurt. It's usually my oldest too. It might be because he has a few memories, it might be his personality. It might be because this little boy pretty much became a man overnight after his Dad's suicide ( not pressure from me, or anyone..but he changed..we all saw it) My kids are my inspiration, yet I can't help but worry. For the first time in YEARS, I felt angry at DH for dying. Seeing my son cry privately really tore me up this year. Things are much better now. It's October..September passed again and it's back to normal.
  6. Sugarbell

    10 years

    I get it..life is now so different, yet other times it seems like yesterday we were in our "old life" Hugs to you. No matter how long, some years it still stings.
  7. Today makes 12 years since B died from suicide. It's my middle son's 15th Birthday. It's the usual...party this weekend for him..Out Of Darkness Walk in the morning...Endless sports activities so I am too tired to think much about it. Volleyball last night away..tonight traveling to golf match. It still hits me, cried last night for the first time in a year over it. NG and middle son and oldest son's girlfriend traveling with me to golf match for oldest son. He has some sadness now over his Dad's death the older he is. It's a lifetime ago, but having kids so young when their Dad died..it's something that always creeps up. Doesn't debilitate us or anything..My kids are well adjusted/well rounded great kids. But that hidden void is always there. Today I have an extra level of exhaustion with work and juggling everything..The hidden "void" is just creeped around my neck. My middle son still doesn't know he Dad killed himself on his birthday. He thinks its the 27th, the day I found his body. I will take that to my grave. And the exhaustion that will always come with "that day".
  8. Sugarbell

    I got my son to 16!

    Congrats!! That's a big deal! I feel the same way with milestones. I don't want to wish my kids childhoods away but everytime each one started Kindergarten, etc, it was a sense of a relief. Like "Ok, we made it this far" LOL- My younger son turns 15 in two weeks- He can get his learners then, but another full year before official license. I will tell you, now that my oldest son has been driving almost a year, it does make juggling a little easier! Congrats again!
  9. Yes Yes Yes! NG lives on his family farm/land. His Mom is right down the hill next door. He drives her everywhere daily. No way in hell would I ever move out there. Something tells me she is also going to outlive him. Extremely needy and he does everything for her. Really wish he wasn't so nice and so damn good looking. Reading what I have posted (between his train wreck kids, crazy family, crazy ex and extremely needy mother) is making me question this whole thing more and more. I am in rural WV. Pickings are very slim and with 3 teenagers I really don't want to be out in the dating scene in my childhood hometown. Ugh!
  10. i knew it wouldn’t be easy..but really our kids are from 2 different worlds. His were spoiled, but both parents..Son wrecks a car or two-buy him new one..numerous DUI, jobs, failed drug tests at work, rehab. Now is living with his moms parents along with girlfriend and new baby. Just a mess. Daughter very very different. Just different work ethic. Actually i keep my kids separate from his entire extended 200 member (or more) family around here. It’s just too bizarre. Future? I doubt it. I don’t want anyone else..but i doubt we ever marry.
  11. This. NG (well its going on 3 years now) and I will never fully blend. His 25 year old son is a train wreck and irresponsible human who takes advantage of his Dad (and everyone) My 16 year old doesn't ever want to me around him. His comment "I have absolutely nothing in common with him and I have no respect for him" My kids are achievers. His children are not. My kids work summer jobs..his kids want handouts. He is a pushover to his kids..I am a hard ass to mine. I refuse to bend when it comes to my kids, I have worked too hard to get them this far. We have college on the horizon. My high school Junior has taken the ACT 3 times to get his score the highest he possibly can for scholarships. His daughter who is a Senior, has yet to ever even take it. You get my drift. our 5 kids will never blend. Sometimes I wonder what is the point, except I do enjoy his companionship and he is a great guy. My middle son says I just stay because "You are in a tiny town and he is a good looking guy., Pickings are limited in these parts Mom". Oh well...Life is indeed a journey.
  12. Sugarbell

    Have you ever been called out?

    Yes. My Mom called me out numerous times in my early days. I needed it, but was too out of my mind and took offense to it. One friend called me out (when I was using pills, because on the surface most couldn't tell except the people who really knew me)- With her I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Usually, anytime someone is called out on their parenting, expect them to get defensive and be pissed off. Whether or not they are widowed. 9 times out of 10 though, it needs to be said. I would rather someone call me out to my face as opposed to behind my back. So actually, in the long run- they will respect you for it. (except it may take a while, possibly years) Of course some folks will always stay in denial if they are a shitty parent and look to blame others. So some people it never helps.
  13. Sugarbell

    Will our 4 year old remember Daddy?

    My son was 4 when his Dad died. He is now 16. I agree with Portside, the memories did fade. I talk about him, pictures, we visit his old friends once a year. I feel like my son "knows" his Dad through all of these experiences. However, he does have a few isolated memories. He remembers riding on a golf cart with his Dad, his Dad helping with his TBall team briefly...Sometimes he will hear a song and out of the blue will say "Did Dad listen to this?"- And he did in the car with him. He only has a tiny handful of memories, but I am glad he remembers a few positive things. My other two kids were 3 months and 3. They remember nothing. I believe that age 4 is like the cut out when we can selectively have memories. (although I will tell you the older he gets, his mind will be full of new experiences and they will fade. He will probably though be able to remember a few)
  14. I told NG that I like the title "girlfriend" and the grandbaby can call me girlfriend D LOL She had the baby..I didn't go. It actually worked out well, she went into labor during the week..both nights she was in the hospital my kids had tons of activities (dance, ball, work)- I couldn't go. They were all present for the birth. Ugh. NG had to run his Mom up there both nights...ex wives sugar Daddy came in for the birth. But the "girlfriend" was missing in action. I am having the young parents up to . my house for a tiny cookout with the baby. (just them) whenever they get settled in (but they are living with ex wives parents so that may . never happen but I made the offer/gesture)
  15. Never thought I would go back to the town I was raised in and have such a cultural divide in a relationship. That places this widda journey has taken me.

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