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tybec

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  • Date Widowed
    Winter 2012
  • Cause of death
    car accident
  • Spouse's Age
    45


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  1. Interdependence involves a balance of self and other within the relationship, recognizing that both partners are working to be present and meet each other's physical and emotional needs in appropriate and meaningful ways. Codependency is associated with patterns of a relationship that keep unhealthy behaviors going. Termed in late 80s and hot topic in 90s surrounding addictions. “Codependency is a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.” You want an interdependent relationship. Safe boundaries, keep your identity, yet support each other.
  2. We moved. It’s been two yrs. A social media post from his former group let him know. 15 yrs old. He befriended her in 4th grade as she was new to our area. She came to our church to see him in a musical in the 5th grade. He went to church with her in the 6th grade. 7th grade was middle school and drama for her. She started dating older guys. We moved that summer. I will follow his lead. Visitation Sunday and funeral Monday. I am so heartbroken for her family. It was just her and her mom. Her mom is a RN and works a lot. Looked her up on FB and she had been involved in raising money for suicide and soldiers as an army fort is in the county. Oh, our kids. 😭
  3. Well, at a strange place. An impasse if you will. NG had to plan out his summer as he always does. His mother flies in every other week to watch the kids, spend time with her grandkids as NG gets the children every other week. Unlike his teacher ex-wife, he works year round, so childcare is needed. His mother is wonderful. I have a finishing freshman. He has a missions trip planned, from fall. And then he is in band, so 2 1/2 weeks is marching band camp, and he loves its. And then he goes to band competitions every weekend or practices until Dec. He loves it, is committed, and I support his passion. I was not a band kid, so all new to me. Our summer is not lining up at all. Even a summer vacation does not appear optional due to his schedule and my son's. He has a court order for his time. Not negotiable. He is 3 months now waiting for a court decision, and I think it will happen for the new school year. The summer is the same then as the last 3. Separate lives. I understand his restraints on some level. But I am frustrated it is another summer of us and them. I told him we are not a "we". We did not plan together. Granted, my son's stuff was from 2018 planned out, and he is older. He views his kids plans are just as important of course, and he depends on his mother for child care, and she is able and willing, and that could change on a dime. His side of the family lives 10 hours away, so her coming is a big deal to have interactions with his side of the family. I am not stonewalling, but I have not wanted to see him. It feels impossible. We are talking daily. But there is no solution here. And it is planned, done. Mother's day weekend was a wash as he was sick all weekend, and my kid got sick on mother's day. The way it goes. Blending families. MEH.......
  4. tybec

    It was his birthday yesterday....

    Glad to hear it was a peaceful day. Took me many yrs to get there. Last birthday was my first non emotional one. I send his mother flowers now for his birthday. I figure for her, this is the hardest day. Cubbies fan, also 😉.
  5. Same here, Hachi. I moved, so I live now where LH never was. But I will have a memory, hear a song, be at something with our son, and just have this moment of incredulous thought, "What happened to my life? LH should be here. How did this happen? "
  6. NG has sleep apnea. Funny, I told him I would be sleeping with DARTH VADER then, Arneal. LOL! He uses a mouth piece, and it does okay. He needs another evaluation, though to update his machine. He didn't tell me way back, and that is something you need to tell someone! He wasn't using his machine and was having his breathing stop, the twitching, what I thought was restless leg syndrome. I told him he needed to tell me as I thought he was maybe having a seizure or PTSD from his 20 yrs. in the military! I can sleep through anything over time. My college roommate would blow dry her hair in the morning, and I learned to sleep through it! Sleep apnea is real and serious long term. Worth the conversation. 😴
  7. Sorry she didn't relate to you, Soloact. Takes all kinds..... I guess I have handled uncomfortable things my entire career of treating kids with trauma, specifically sexual abuse. I have learned to handle lots of things that make people cringe, as have the detectives, nurses, child protective workers, doctors, first responders, and the parents eventually. I appreciated her humor about deeply uncomfortable things. Thankfully there are lots of resources for us all.
  8. http://t.ted.com/qGOpLiu I think this should be here. Bunny posted about pod casts but I would never do anything else if I listened! There are such good ones. I like this widow’s explanation of this. Hope it helps some. I let my NG hear the short version. He commented recently I have my LH in such high esteem, he’ll never measure up. I really thought I was intentional in managing my comments. I think it is more about I do talk about him as we were a “WE” for 28 yrs. He, on the other hand, was single until 30, divorced after 10 yrs of marriage and now single (lives by himself). We just have different experiences in shaping us, permanently, as she states. He said this was a good perspective. Anyway......😊
  9. http://t.ted.com/qGOpLiu
  10. tybec

    My very own Widow Island

    WOW, is what I am saying and showing! THANK you for sharing! I remember the thread you started. Timeliness. I believe in Godwinks,, and this is mine today. What an aspiring place to live! I turned 50 last month, it has been 7 yrs. since LH died, and 36 yrs. ago I went on my first date with LH. I am not feeling as confident as you in my new life, so your sharing is wonderful. HOPE. Three Good THINGs 1. I made it to 50 when LH did not. 2. Our son is doing well, and I enjoyed his jazz concert last night, in fact. This among his concert band and marching band participation. His love of music. 3. I am dating and moving forward despite the trials. And I will be okay coupled or singled. THANKS Helen!
  11. tybec

    FWB

    Not my experience, but never have seen it work for anyone. I KNOW there are exceptions to the rule. But most of us fall within the "norm." You know your heart. Can you let go if it does not work without being hurt badly? How about your possible Lover? Lots of things to consider.
  12. tybec

    Some thoughts on my 13th year

    Thank you for sharing. I am glad to hear life is well. I am just passed 7 yrs. I am beginning to feel like my life was a dream, sometimes. And I was with DH since high school. So odd that we can be so connected and then, time truly changes things. I wonder about my son's version of his life. He is going to be without his dad longer than with him next Jan. I spent this last death anniversary with my NG. I still had a cry, looked at pictures, and then spent it with my new beau in a new experience. Anyway, as you stated. Another strange leg in the grief journey.
  13. Thanks Arneal! NG and I have a joint calendar now on google to help us coordinate our many activities. The divorce decree from 2014 stated many things including using “our family wizard. “ She never has. The kid’s therapist recommended and NG “told on her” that she refused in the past 5 yrs. She finally now has agreed to a google calendar. They agreed to have all passwords to the kids’ devices so they can check on them, length of time on devices, websites accessed, etc. he gave all that info. She has not, saying they do not have their own logins, as it goes through her. So he can’t check on his kids regarding that. That is an example of the many type of things he deals with.
  14. Just a nice update. I am feeling stronger and more confident in my relationship with NG. We are talking and though it is hard, it is working to work out misperceptions, and challenges. He has gone 3 months with no court decision as of next week. I know the courts are backed up due to my volunteer work. TPR is 6 months out for cases. And I do know the judge has imminent danger cases, so this case is not a priority. The children are privileged, well cared for and stable, so maybe why the judge is waiting. Not a comfort to NG, but possible explanation? NG has stated he is tired of hearings, stress, finances and getting to a point of acceptance. We have had some hard talks. I told him again I can support him, but sometimes he forgets who he is talking to. A widow with a fatherless child. And he gets to have a real relationship and have a physical presence in his kids' lives. His kids have had a dad longer than my kid ever had. So, sometimes I can be supportive and sometimes I feel he does not put it into perspective. He has been working on being grateful, as he did live 5 hours from here, so he has a much better connection due to that change he made. We are equidistant to the middle school his kids are likely to attend, so eventually, my home will be as convenient. Right now he is right next to their school. His kids are growing up and, like normal kids, sometimes they want to be with him and sometimes they do not. He is dealing with that, too. My kid is finishing up his first yr. of high school in 3 weeks! WOW! And he is still doing very well. I hope it continues. I am learning about myself, and I told him so. We both have a commonality of our lives were devastated in 2012. Different reasons, but still. And though we have our losses to commiserate upon, we can't continue to just lick our wounds and talk about our losses. I know I do when things get tough with him, ruminate about what I had, and it is not helpful. I told him we needed to have joy for our future instead of focus on our losses. He agreed. So, moving forward.😃
  15. Blending families. Hard when you are young and no kids. So, add all this extra time and people. It is amazing when it happens well! I was unprepared. I am reading up. May ask for premarital counseling. I certainly understand where folks here would say, "well, let's just have our grown up time and enjoy and by pass all the other." NG and I are talking, discussing, disagreeing at times. It is tiresome. He reminds me all the articles I send state give it a few years to bridge it all, not a couple months or so. I see everyone's points here. Glad I am not the only one.......

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    Winter 2012
  • Cause of death
    car accident
  • Spouse's Age
    45


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