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tybec

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  • Date Widowed
    Winter 2012
  • Cause of death
    car accident
  • Spouse's Age
    45


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  1. sudnlysngl - sending your prayers and thoughts for strength and peace. Something has to go your way soon! T2B- much peace and a time of discernment for you and yours. It is hard blending. No ifs, ands or buts. Who knew? NG and I had our first counseling session. The counselor dove into communication head on. He explained the threat to relationships is the lack of the intimacy bond which is challenged by our fear response. We can debate examples, who did what, where, etc., but all that comes down to feeling safe and secure in the relationship. Both NG and I have fears. Different stories, but fear nevertheless. And how to build that intimacy? It is kind of the idea of this person has your back, ALWAYS, and that is what I had in my marriage. Despite our challenges, I never was fearful of my husband not being there for me. We were bound to each other. So, NG and I have this happening, and fear is a huge motivator, and I agree for me it is part of the big picture. So see how it all comes together. NG is back in court today. The ex has petitioned the court on vacating the entire new custody order, overturning the ER custody order on grounds they didn't get to defend their facts, and a new one regarding child support. He has his kids this week again. And he starts a new job next week, commuting. It is a lot, and I am not sure how to work on us and all he has going on. I guess that will be something I discuss with the counselor's help. I AM growing from this and will see what happens. I had decided I would go to counseling by myself if needed to work through some things. Self care...
  2. tybec

    Speechless

    Yes, this makes sense. Jan. 20th for me. I was awaiting the news, my LH to get back to me, him not answering his phone. His boss/friend texting he wasn't at work yet. The radio stating there had been a wreck on the road he traveled. The Adele song that played as I tried to get ready and get my son to school and not believe the worst although I had already cried in the shower, knowing my LH would not return a call unless he could not, and there were only two reasons he could not. I heard that Adele song two times in one day last week. I listened and I could hear it without a flashback to those moments, but I still chose to change stations. 7 1/2 yrs. Surreal.
  3. Well, I am back. NG from 3 1/2 yrs and I started talking again. We have a counseling session Thursday. He got his kids 50/50 two weeks ago after petitioning the courts in July to make a decision before school started. It is still unreal to him. 5 years in the same town, 2 years since the first court hearing. His ex did a "hail mary" and made an emergency therapy appointment for the oldest, the reason for the hold up all these years, the child's mental health issues. . The therapist saw the child, did not speak to either parent who was there in lobby, let the child go home with NG and younger sibling. Her attorney called the therapist the next day, and the therapist filled out an affidavit to have an emergency change of custody based on the session. The therapist spoke to NG's attorney who called him. Never spoke to either parent, went straight to the attorneys. Hearing on Thursday, and the judge admonished the mother. No witnesses. Basically said he had it, and the child had to learn to live with father who has no issues, and she needed to stop the negative influence and interference. The judge is a widower and lost his son in a car accident prior to his wife's sudden death. He wrote a book on grief and recovery, and he told her that if something happened to her, the father would have these children all the time. And she needed to learn to co-parent. And the child needed to learn to deal with life, as he has been coddled for years by the maternal side of the family and he needs his father as he is approaching adolescence, and if the child can't deal with authority and rules, etc, then this should have happened a long time ago. There is more to the story, but the judge got it. She has never cooperated, two mediators, and she did not change. And now the judge is seeing her pattern. So, we are going to counseling to talk about communication and blending of families. I will sit on the other side of the couch. It will be a good thing.
  4. tybec

    Speechless

    Just to show the other side. When I went to the bank, a woman helped me. I had gotten a significant amount of cash from my LH's work. I guess they took it up and it more than covered a month of my LH's salary. I was in shock. It was only like 2 weeks, so other accounts had not come through yet. I told her it was my husband's work mates that did this, and she said that was incredibly generous of them. I had tears in my eyes, and she took me to her private office. She had tears, then, too. I went back multiple times for various banking needs, and she assisted me each time. She finally said to me, "I couldn't help but cry. I thought I would cry every time I saw you,." The world is full of many folks, thankfully! Now the lady at the court house for probate, she was another story! I knew a judge whose kid had been at my house for small group through church, and he did my probate in his office, then.
  5. tybec

    Let's Celebrate!!!

    Gearing up to buy a 2nd car as my teen will be driving soon. Thankfully, LH and I researched together, so I have that part easily. The negotiation. Not so much. But I am preparing and that is what he did. And I understand you have to be ready to just walk out. And there is another vehicle as they are sold everywhere, so I will get a vehicle. CASH? Someone said they don't deal well? I guess I thought it would be better. This is what I got, take it or I am leaving. I have a few more months.
  6. tybec

    Have you ever been called out?

    First, I like RAM's response, as she stated there are so many things you may not know and assume, so being prepared to help the person out is important. It's like a having a teacher that is known to send many kids for office referrals. HE/she likely needs help in her classroom, not that he/she is a "bad" teacher. Resources. Relationship matters, of course, in being able to constructively criticize and offer support. Many of us were told how to handle things with our love one's death. It was not always helpful to hear. Audience and timing matters, right? Third, as a trauma treatment and kid therapist, the law in the US in most states is: If you suspect abuse or neglect, you report it. Let the experts investigate. You are not trained or have the ability to do so, especially if you are in a relationship with them. You are not able to be non bias. Sexual abuse - YOU report. You do not talk to them about it. It is anonymous. PLEASE report. Churches and schools cannot handle this or families nor should they. It is illegal for them to do their own investigation, and it happens ALL the time. "The parent should first be confronted but be told that CPS will be contacted if the issue doesn't improve. " NO, you don't confront them. This gives them time to investigate, tell the victim overtly or covertly to keep it secret, change the story, prepare for an investigation , etc. And how do you know if it improves? NOT your role. And the victim suffers. Domestic violence as well. IT is the law. And mandated and needed. May not be the threads intent, but putting this info. out there. Good luck.
  7. tybec

    facing my inner demon....

    Absolutely . Not the same experience but the what if’s, should have, why didn’t I, and all. Yes. “My logical mind knows damn well that there was nothing that I could have done - he was living on borrowed time anyway - and his care was up to him, not me. My logical mind knows the result was inevitable. But the emotional toll........ ” So sorry. Wait it out. It will pass. Slowly.
  8. Yes, I agree, Rooshy. My son was 8 when his dad died. This year he will have been alive longer without his dad. It sucks. I get to have these memories of 28 yrs. and he gets 8 and may not remember most of that. And the person he is becoming. No LH to see. it. He will be 16 in 2 1/2 months, starting to drive. He needs to shave. A bear to get him to do it, but then my job to show him? I understand, Rooshy.
  9. This site has opened my eyes up to so many differences in relationships and expectations. My parents married in 1950, meeting in college. My dad was in WW II. They were homebodies, church attendees and mainly did activities that were volunteer types of organizations. Married 56 yrs. My older brother by 14 yrs is a doctorate level marriage and family therapist. He and his wife both went seminary. Best friends. Talk daily though may be in different parts of the world. Took a 3 week trip for their 40th wedding anniversary. That’s my experience and therefore expectation of marriage. Not for everyone but mine. And don’t I know it😉! So RAM, not needy just different.
  10. Thank you all. Today is NG’s birthday. I read up on texting him HBD. I am not going to. Stay clear. That is hard. 3 yrs with some one and can’t even text. But it is not recommended by most when reading about break ups. I am lonely. I am trying to remember why I decided this. And it’s been brewing for months. I reached out at work and have a GNO planned Saturday night. Monday lunch with my fellow widow friend who is also a psychologist, so my more non bias sounding board person. It’s hard. But not like losing your mate to death. I am thankful for that. Fairlanegirl- rented that movie. A bit dark to me but I get it. My life has been so “vanilla”, there sure can be some strangeness out there. But the character keeps going 😊
  11. I ended my relationship with NG today. Over 3 yrs. It will be 3 weeks tomorrow, and we have spent less than 48 hours together in this time frame. Same as when I lived 1 1/2 hours away in the beginning of the relationship. I have been alone as my son is on a missions trip. He has his kids every other week now. I don't talk to him on weekends, generally, and he calls when he commutes to work. That has been about the extent of 2 of the weeks. I have had a lot of time to think. I have tried to keep busy. I decided he could not meet my needs and he needed to raise his kids how he sees fit, but I was not going to be alone most of the time while he did it. He found out the judge was issuing orders for custody now from Sept of last yr. 9 months back up? I am not willing to wait 9 months more and "SEE" where things go. I feel a little numb, a little tearful. SAD. I have never ended a relationship. I didn't discuss it all with him. No point. Been there. We have a few loose strings to tie up but we can make arrangements via text and exchange what is needed. So, new thread for me. It is hard but NOTHING like I have been through. I am surprised. I am afraid to be alone, as I build my new life in a new city, but I am strong, stronger than I know. Thank you for the "ears."
  12. RAM, I do understand your words/feelings. LH and I had a plan, too. And at 50, which I just turned, there were things to be completed. And much is. And then much is just completely changed. I did move for many reasons, and my elderly mother was one of those. She passed in Nov. 2017. We literally signed all paperwork today for closing out her estate. And I have a NG, too, and although we love each other, it is far from settled. My son is doing the best (cross my fingers) as his new school is great, and he has made friends, is committed to some activities, making awesome grades in advanced classes. SO, my changes have done well with him. But me. I want to be selfish and I can't also, for different reasons than you, but still. And I am lonely, too. And I hate that, also. It is the unsettling feelings, I think, that is hardest for me. Even if NG stepped up and could be my person 100%, maybe I'l always feel unsettled some due to LH's untimely death? Life was far from perfect with LH, but he was my person through all of it, and I knew he had my back. That is part of my unsettled feelings, I think, now. KNOWING, it can all change no matter how well you plan ? Congrats on your son's graduation and independence! But, I understand the settling, waiting, and feeling (fill in the blank.) I get it.
  13. I agree with Portside. ☹️ Most of us don’t remember but a few things around 3-4 yrs old anyway, right? My son was 8 when his dad died in a car accident. His dad was the hands on and buddy for our son. He coached his teams, camped at cub scouts, picked him up every day from daycare and school due to our work schedules. Started supper, did homework. Always there. And my kid is forgetting. I talked all the time to help remember at first. He seemed to get irritated and then felt guilty he couldn’t remember. He is 15 now. He randomly states things now, so a little bit comes out here and there, but no pressure from me. I have pics and some videos. He likes to look and hear the stories behind them. I am sorry. It is sad and difficult.
  14. tybec

    Getting Rid of His/Her Clothes

    laurie27, I hope I did not upset or offend you. Bunny pointed out this topic was for a few months out, and she is correct. You take the time you need. Took me several years, and I moved at 5 1/2 yrs. out. I was at a much slower pace than many.
  15. tybec

    Getting Rid of His/Her Clothes

    Though I do believe your grief, your rules, there are some considerations. MY brother widowed 14 months after me, March 2013. . He waited the "acceptable" one yr. to get on line to date. He met a gal in 2015, Dec. Proposed by Feb. and married in May of 2016. Now due to his conservative religious beliefs, she never went to his home, where they chose to live. He had not gotten his late wife's things out of the closet. He had not changed many things in the home, leaving it as is. She, bless her heart, packed up the late wife's things and put them in the basement. More things occurred and she left by March of 2017 and divorced. I do not think my brother was ready to marry, or he was at the least, extremely inconsiderate of his new wife's needs and wants. I am sure it was more complicated, but really. So, if you decide to date and bring them home, I do not think you can have the home like your mate never died. MY two cents. I did it gradually, purges, and then I moved, so that helped a lot. My father had the belief that once it was no longer useful, time to let someone else have it. My LH would have thought the same. I have things, but they are limited and very meaningful. ❤️ Our son will have them someday.

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    Winter 2012
  • Cause of death
    car accident
  • Spouse's Age
    45


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