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tybec

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  • Date Widowed
    Winter 2012
  • Cause of death
    car accident
  • Spouse's Age
    45
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  1. tybec

    Emotions always so close to the edge...

    I am not a person who shows emotion easily or often. Since LHs death, I do now as well. And anything with my kid brings ugly tears, even in public. Graduations, honor awards, and it’s on. He has accepted it. πŸ˜³πŸ˜‰πŸ˜Š We know deep pain. So we know great joy, too. β€οΈπŸ‘πŸ˜‰
  2. PS All my reading (I research) says remarriage and blending families is a marathon, not a sprint. Keeping that in my head. Why I didn't think about all this with my 21 yr old marriage I'll never know? I was just secure in it, I guess. And the rug was pulled out when my husband died. So, as other's here trust and take the risk, I am on that path. πŸ˜‰
  3. Hi All! Happy Friday! My son is gone all weekend on a church retreat. Ropes course, rock climbing, zip lining. And learn more about his faith. Win/win. NG has his kids. So, I am looking at what I want to do. Had my Mom's group for the 2nd time. Met another mom. It is slowly coming together! MrsD. Not understanding your circumstances. One post sounds like he wants marriage, and you are still exploring it. Then your next is he does not. I hope you are okay. It is difficult, no matter. Trying2breathe, I don't know what is the line to decide for each person. Only you know. I know I have invested myself and see myself with NG long term, despite the children's custody situation. I realized all new coupling will have challenges. Pick what you can accept, I guess. I have a faith that has brought me through all trials. Not perfectly, but carried me, so I believe in that. I don't believe in coincidences. I should have never met NG. I was not in his parameters on the dating site. I reached out to him. We both planned to retire to the same city some day where we both have a family hub! He has traits of my LH I l adore and are uncannily similar. AND then he has these amazing traits that are all new, and I love. He tries to relate to my son, and I see it working. My son seems to like him! My goal was to find a man a bit older, like my LH, divorced or widowed and who likely had grown kids as LH and I started late with our family. It didn't happen. AND from reading here, that does not guarantee any challenges, either. πŸ˜‰ I have read the threads here and taken in a lot to help me. I have prayed and reached out to others, too. We all have to find that line which is difficult. I wish all the best. We didn't ask for this, but we keep moving, and that is a significant! I am going to read Gottmans "The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work." NG said he would also. I had a good functioning marriage, but imperfect, too. Plan to be more intentional to make this work as remarriage/recoupling is so much more than a first marriage, especially when young. Always learning.
  4. Hey all. So quiet on the board. I am on here. I hope more folks will share. Doing well with NG. We have worked through some things. Soul searching, communicating. We are talking by the end of the year being together in the same home. 9 months. Good time to work on all. Still no court decision regarding his kids. 5 weeks. He has had another school yr. go by without an increase in time with his children. Really quite sad and inexcusable considering he did have them 50/50 in another state. Since in court us marrying was brought up, there is no secrecy. I like it is out in the open that we are serious. He had a lady at his church I now have met ask when he was going to marry me. I had to laugh. He said he told her his kids' custody was all he was waiting on. But that he was ready to move forward, regardless of the judge's decision. He is working through about his current living situation. He seems to like being part of family with me and my son. He does not need the "man cave home" anymore, he states. He is very logical about some things, but told me I am growing on him to increase his EQ. Funny he even came up with that. It is all messy. Life is messy. I can never go back to my simple nuclear family of three, and I have decided the risk is worth it, to have my son in a larger family than us 2. It has evolved into that over the years, as I am the youngest on both sides of the family and my nieces and nephews are growing their own families, now. We lost a hub years ago, and I want to have more than just us 2 for many reasons. NG does, also. He, too, is looking at he will still be alone most of the time with sharing his children. And he wants more, also. Same page, finally. Second Mom's group this week. And I might volunteer to go on the missions trip this summer with my kid's senior high group at church. πŸ˜ƒ Have a great week.
  5. Arneal, Not sure of your situation, but don't learn the hard way I am. I am having to set boundaries that I didn't have due to being too accommodating. My evolution of the relationship. And NG is managing it well, but still, I realize it would have been best sooner. We are working through it all, but it is painful. Kinda like being the hard teacher that softens versus the easy going teacher that is viewed as mean when boundaries and limits have to be set. In fairness, I didn't know all I needed/wanted, either. And until it got very serious, I could handle things. So, as we discuss long term, lots of conversations about what will make this work. We both want a healthy relationship that can withstand the trials we will be given, and the romantic and innocence of life is not there like in our younger years. I had the hardest time just picking out a Valentine's day card as most just didn't apply or fit!!! πŸ˜‰ Wishing you the best for whatever is on your plate. I am hopeful and feel good about things in a way I have not. But truth, honesty, communication, validation, worthiness and hope are all intertwined in our wounded souls to have this happen. ❀️
  6. tybec

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Interesting article, LF. I too am in a serious relationship, and this is helpful. It has taken me longer to let go of my ideal. Not to let myself be in a less than worthy relationship, mind you. But maturing into something, evolving into something different. Not to be so lonely to accept ill treatment. But also not to hang on to the past life so tightly, I let the present slip out of my hands. I have told NG, with a gulp in my throat, that I would hope to love more deeply, with more appreciation as I don't want to take things for granted as I did in my only marriage And that this marriage COULD BE better in some ways due to my loss and experiences. That my love from my first husband made me able to love greater in a new marriage. It took a lot to think that through without feeling I betrayed my LH, but it is moving that way. Anyway, thanks.
  7. tybec

    GRIEF/LOSING SPOUSE QUOTES

    Love CS Lewis, L. C.S. Lewis
  8. Thanks CW. Been quiet here. I enjoyed my MOMs group. I hope it grows. I have had two lunches in the the last week with "old" friends, and I am so much more at ease. I need the connections to others, and I had it, but widowhood changed that, too. But I can work on that, and I am. I have bible study weekly, too. I volunteer weekly for youth at church and monthly for foster care review board in our region. We are still waiting for the outcome from the custody hearing, a month on FRIDAY. NG is doing okay with it, as he is reading things to calm him, focus on acceptance, etc. Bible based and helping him. We have had some family interactions, and like your NG's kid CW, his kids are acting out. I have talked to him about my observations, and he admits it is on him. He has been so afraid of the custody hearing, that his parenting has changed since we started dating. I get it, but he states he knows he has to do something consistent. I don't know if the kids are aware of the custody hearing from their mother's side. But, they sure are acting out a lot more. My only teen son is amazing with them and mature enough to know it is not cool for them to behave like that. I feel good about my son. He seems to be growing up into a good human being, empathic and logical, too. He is finishing up his freshman year of HS now! He and NG get along well, too. It is an interesting dynamic. But then throw in NG's two kiddos, and it is a completely changed event. Met with my fellow wid who is a psychologist twice this month. She married her HS sweetheart, but had extra challenges in her family of origin with an addict sister and her LH's juvenile diabetes management. She is "real" with me. She can call me out on things, and it is okay as I know it is out of concern and love. AND her training. πŸ˜‰ She has noted my resistance or barriers to NG and his kids. She has dealt with messiness in her family life with her addict sister, her parents raising grandkids. So, she has challenged me focusing on the negative instead of the positive of it all. She isn't wrong. I have cold feet and control issues, and she sees it despite my NG's behavior and kids. Interesting insight for me. I so appreciate her. Have spring break trip planned! So excited, and it will be a once in a life time experience. NG and his kids and my son and I traveling together, which is going to be new, too. So, slow and steady. Working out the challenges.
  9. tybec

    Hoarding?

    Was not meaning to be judgmental. Was more 1) sad they were so isolated:; 2) it could have been me just as well ; 3) loss comes out in many ways, sometimes devastatingly. Hoarding to a clinical debilitating way is very different. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hoarding-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20356062 This board is one way to not be isolated, although it is not IRL. Can still be so helpful.
  10. tybec

    Hoarding?

    Sunday rainy afternoon and under the weather, I stumbled across that hoarding show on TLC. I heard of it, but never watched. I heard sometime that most hoarders have a significant loss, usually suddenly, that triggers the behavior. I watched two hours 😲 Both ladies had lost their husbands suddenly and started this behavior. One lady had food in her fridge, 15 yrs. old from her husband, unable to part with it. She was a teacher, and NO one, including her neighbors, had any idea. She looked fine on the outside, and hid it a home. It made me terribly sad for them both. And they were blind to their hoarding, still rationalizing it, minimizing it though one house was under foreclosure due to health reasons (the teacher). Not sure why I am sharing. Made an impression on me. This site is helpful.
  11. I am so sorry all this is happening to you. I cannot explain or understand why some folks get such hardships. None of us are better than others when it comes to life and unfair blows. Please know that people care, lift you up, even though you are so far away. And you are helpful to others. You share a lot here in a way that I am sure reaches many.
  12. tybec

    I'm an orphan

    Virgo, Each state is different with some laws but I didn't have much problem. My mother passed in Nov. 2017. I was the POA and then executrix. Her will was clear, and I had taken care of finances for years. My 3 brothers and I had had nothing to contest. I had to go to probate court with an estimated itemization of her estate. Then since we were all agreeable, I had forms to send to all of us to sign to disperse of the estate as it was uncontested by us and then I wrote out the checks from an estate bank account. I had to close hers and open an estate one and move all into it. I could not write the checks until debts were paid, 6 months wait for that for any debtors to bill against the estate. After 6 months, no one can bill against the estate. Pay it all out, turn in signed documents and the judge signed it was closed. I happened to get a check 2 weeks after I closed the account and the judge signed the final estate probate, a federal farm subsidization check. I had to go back to probate court and reopen it, cash the check and then have siblings sign the same paperwork again. Why it can take over a year easily. OH, and the state I reside in allows the executor of the estate to have up to 5% of the estate's worth as payment for handling it. I took 3%. I still struggle with that. I didn't care for my mother for 10 years due to money, but in the end, I did want something back and none of the brothers objected. Property is different and state laws matter. Our family farm is out of state where I reside. We own it, deeded upon death. But interestingly, all spouses had to sign off on it as it is a law there if married, DESPITE the farm land was deeded to the four of us, not our spouses. Not a problem for me and my widowed brother. Not a problem for my married brothers, but thankfully they are happily married. Imagine if not! That is why marriage is an interesting thing in this country of what it legally means versus faith marriage. Another thread... When my husband died, we had been married 21 yrs. No issues. It was all mine, all transferred due to the will and he signed me as the beneficiary on all life insurances. House, cars, etc. both our names. If not, would have had an estate for him and had to deal with that in probate court. I tell folks. PLAN. GET it in writing what you want. And things will still come up.... Hope I didn't confuse you worse. An attorney is a good bet. I have attorney friends who helped me.
  13. Your daughter is 3, so that makes it a little more challenging. So, just some things I did and maybe that will spawn an idea for you. First Father's Day - Putt Putt golf as my LH played a lot of golf. First Anniversary of his death - Had colleague whose husband flies his small plane. Took my son out flying. My LH was an aircraft mechanic and loved flying. So....it worked out. Probably you have movies/videos? Watch them. Look at old pictures of him with your daughter. Make a special picture or picture frame so she can put it in her room? Balloon lift off with paper notes tied to it. Let one of those Chinese Lanterns go. She can color it and you and others write notes on it before lift off. Do several together. She will remember something like that, probably. Message in a bottle if you are by the ocean or large body of water. Everyone can do that. Make a "lantern" light out of a glass jar and glue tissue paper on the side so you can put a candle in it. Light a candle. Fix his favorite meal, dessert, and eat together. Anything he liked to do you can incorporate in a special day memory. I took my son to see Lion King as soon as it came close. The story, ya know. As she is so small, you can ask your family and friends to write down a special memory of her dad and put it into a book for later. Go somewhere he loved to go as a group or just you two. Whatever works for you. Good luck.
  14. Keeping on. NG is waiting for the custody decision. It has been two weeks. He has been extremely attentive to me, spending LOTS of time with me and my son. And talking about the future of us, blending families. I am listening, like to hear it but also waiting for the outcome of the schedule with his kids. I am being realistic. I don't think he will up and change things quickly due to the time for adjustment for his kids. I started a MOM's group of teen boys with ladies from my church, and we met last night. I am needing a new tribe and hope I will develop some great relationships through this. I miss my friends I left when I moved. We were tight, and we took girl trips and GNO. They got me through some difficult times. So, I know I need more connections. I am optimistic about this. Hope your weekend is well!

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    Winter 2012
  • Cause of death
    car accident
  • Spouse's Age
    45
ο»Ώ

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