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tybec

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  • Date Widowed
    Winter 2012
  • Cause of death
    car accident
  • Spouse's Age
    45


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  1. Hello! Still here, but more as reader than poster. Sorry you had to find us but glad you find the board comforting. IT was a life saver for years for me as I could state things here when I could not to any other folks. It is hard to be a young widow, unnatural and though you work through and move forward, some unique challenges. Definitely growth from early on grief. Please post as you may write just the thing someone needs to hear for that moment in time. And it helps to vent, too.
  2. tybec

    What's Your Playlist?

    Love this. My LH died on a Friday morning vehicle accident, visitation on Sunday and funeral on Monday. Whirlwind and a walking body was me. In shock. In a course of events, my MIL picked out every song as I was dealing with something else. My LH was a classic rock DJ for a bit, and it did not fit well to have only traditional old hymns. I did, however, get our only two nephews to sing "I'll Fly Away" as they had at my father's funeral. My LH loved that and had it on his play list. IT was upbeat and people still tell me they loved it. 2 years later, a woman from church died after her 3 round of cancer. Kids my son's age and younger. They had time to plan it. They played several songs, had the most beautiful program with pictures, quotes and stories, and then led out the service with dancing to the "Oh When the Saints Go Marching In." I always wondered how much she planned her funeral.
  3. The pod cast is long. But so informative. And so helpful to me with all I went through. The author and expert, Dr. Patricia Papernow, states the divorced children will always have a loss with the new coupling, as the parent turns to the new mate. So the loyalty bind is there. And the divorced parent must respond to the child, but in so, turns away from the new mate. So, the new mate is always feeling rejected and hurt from this. The new mate is an outsider, always, to the previous family which consists of the ex, too. So, there is so much to deal with. I had so much hurt and would get so upset and now I know why. I lost my mate and the rejection and always being on the outside was intolerable on top of my loss. And I can't relate well to the divorce as death is not the same. So, anger, resentment and hurt grew, and I criticized and avoided/withdrew.😔 It truly is something incredible for families that make it work. Not impossible, but so much on the new mate, especially a stepmother, to manage being the outsider and sucking it up and needing support from the divorced parent who can't always give it right away. And the divorced parent caught in the middle and feeling a failure to the new mate, but the bond with the children is stronger and is priority. So, learning about new things to make good choices. That is my interpretation from the pod cast. Good luck with all this. Hard stuff.
  4. Yes, I am reading up. This may not apply to many of you but maybe some..... And it still applies in ways with adult children, especially if you don't have adult children who are independent. Geez, it is A-MAZING for those that work all this out. Just saying. 😉 7 Tips for Parenting, Stepparenting, and Discipline in Stepfamilies Research tells us that, for many children, becoming a stepfamily is harder and takes more time, than divorce. Stepfamilies are generally easier for children eight and under, and for boys. They are harder for girls (including, in my experience, for adult daughters of older recoupling dads). They are especially hard for young teen girls. Stepparents everywhere seem to want more limits and boundaries with their stepchildren. Parents everywhere seem to want more loving and understanding for their children. Hands down, “authoriTATIVE parenting” is best for children on every measure imaginable, including bringing children through difficult transitions like divorce and becoming a stepfamily. Authoritative parenting is both loving and firm: Loving: Authoritative parents are responsive, warm, and empathic. Firm: Authoritative parents calmly set moderately firm limits and they make developmentally appropriate demands for maturity. Until and unless stepparents have forged a caring, trusting relationship with kids, parents need to retain the disciplinary role. My guideline for stepparents is, “connection before correction.” This very often takes years, not months! Once stepparents have forged a caring relationship, they can move slowly into an authoritaTATIVE (loving and moderately firm) disciplinary role. There are many healthy, thriving stepfamilies where stepparents do not have a disciplinary role. AuthoriTARIAN parenting by stepparents is almost always toxic. Authoritarian parenting is not loving or warm. It is firm and hard. Authoritarian parenting often uses negative labels (“You’re lazy.” “You’re a slob.”), rather than positive requests (“I’d love it if you’d pick up your toys.”) Meanwhile, successful stepcouples do work as a team. Often stepparents can help parents to firm up a bit. Parents can help stepparents to understand their children. Stepparents have input. Parents have final say about their own children. Successful stepcouples face the same challenges that struggling stepcouples do. Successful stepcouples communicate frequently and constructively. They discuss their parenting differences with kindness and caring. Struggling stepcouples criticize and/or avoid.
  5. This is long but a good listen about "blending families". Made me understand some of the recent comments about doing your own thing separately for a while. And there still are "blending" challenges with adult children. So, many of us had "first families" that ended due to death. Add on recoupling with divorced folks or single folks with kids, and there are just all kinds of dynamics. Anyway..... https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-aamft-podcast/id1450828084?i=1000479815056
  6. I don't have any great answer. I agree with Maureen. I did not have a strained relationship but boundaries were problematic with my MIL and my husband set them between our family and her. After his death, I held her only grandson, so treading those waters was hard. I was not always graceful doing so. It has been 8 yrs. I now reach out to her on his birthday. I believe the birth of her son was the most precious day for her, and I give special acknowledgement to her on that date. It took a while to get there but thankfully, I am here. Wish you the best on whatever you decide.
  7. Beautiful pics! Brokenheart2 - this 🙏 It hurts but not like it did. I hurt for my son. Those are the great tears I shed, at every event his father should have been there for him. And the truth is, he may not really know what he missed, ya know? It's not his reality. But mine as I had a dad for all those events. Aw, we were so fortunate and perhaps, we will continue to find joy in all kinds of way.
  8. HI Bunny! Thanks for sharing. I am the memory and story holder for my dead husband. I share on FB. Yes, strange with dating. I post on his birthday "happy birthday in heaven." I post the day he died. And I have posted on our anniversary but not the last couple years. It has changed. I feel different. It is memories now. 8 years. So strange how your brain can detach over time. I guess out of necessity. I shared a picture two days ago of my maid of honor and me in high school from a high school dance. We have been friends since age 4. And she commented how much she loved me and my LH and we were an amazing couple. She stated she was so happy she was the one who told me he loved me (in high school). I didn't bring that up, but there it is. I get remarks from others often. For a man to date me, they have to handle my old life. I don't put it in his face but I grew up with my LH and my identity was a couple, not a single person. I am changing. I know part of the reason the man I dated so long loved me IS because of who I was because of my marriage and LH, specifically. Our wedding photo. 30 yrs ago this year.
  9. tybec

    3 things I did today

    1. Called to get repair person out again for air conditioning. 2. Called to see when my teen may get to take his driver's test. Delayed to April 6. Nothing since then. 3. No client's scheduled which is a downer. So, clear out case load and text folks to see if they will return now and try telehealth since is is not just ending in April as originally planned. Pandemic life - Meh.. But on it.
  10. tybec

    3 things I did today

    1. Did volunteer work on line. Miss seeing folks, though. 2. Paid bills 3. Went for a walk though I was tired. Glad I did. Got my steps up to 7000. After a hard winter of illness, this is pretty good.
  11. Virgo, I so wish I could keep busy like you. I started out strong and did some projects and then fizzled out. I think 6 weeks with another 4 or more predicted is when I hit the wall. Maybe I'll get back some motivation. Until then, this writing hit home and likely, to many. Keep up the projects, as it is a good stress relief.
  12. THIS is from a post on FB. I have been home for 6 weeks, working part time, and it is slow going. And I have accomplished some things at home, but not anything compared to what I think I "should" have given the time I have. But I am a mental health clinician. I work with folks struggling. And I have a teen at home. We are all dealing with things we never would have considered. Unprecedented. I have had to reframe my work I do with kids on telehealth as it is not clear cut with meeting the goals and objectives we define, mostly for insurance, right? Some sessions are a tour of the backyard and their rooms. It's the best we can do in the circumstances. I thought this was a valuable thing for me to remind myself of, and likely, others. I’ve been seeing so many friends seriously beating themselves up because they aren’t “maximizing” their time in quarantine by organizing their closets, repainting, developing a side hustle, becoming a piano virtuoso, exercising themselves into a lucrative career as a swimsuit model, etc. Everybody! Seriously. Stop. And breathe. If you’re feeling adrift, there’s a reason. I’m about to drop some first semester nursing school on y’all. It’s Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Humans have basic requirements (the bottom of the pyramid) like food, water, air, shelter, sleep, etc. The biological basics. If those are met, then the next rung of the ladder is Safety and Security. If we feel safe and secure, then we can climb up and start on our Love and Belonging needs and on up the ladder we go until finally at the very tippy-top is SELF-ACTUALIZATION which would entail all of the cool aforementioned activities. The catch is, you cannot level up until the needs at the current level are fulfilled. If the needs remain unfulfilled, we remain stuck on our current level until the situation changes. Friends, in the midst of a pandemic, we are dwelling in the basement of Maslow’s pyramid. How in the heck do you think you’re going to kick ass at the highest levels when we can’t even find toilet paper for Pete’s sake. You physiologically and psychologically aren’t built to live your “best life” right now. Your only job is to live “a life” right now. A luxury that is being denied many which increases the pressure to really make every day count. But listen. Every day you are here counts. Every breath you take counts. Are you eating, drinking water, and sleeping at all these days? If so, that is a triumph right now. Cut yourself ALL THE SLACK. Focus on the bottom level. Are you showering? Eating a vegetable once in a while? Getting some sunshine and fresh air? Keeping some semblance of a sleep schedule? Start there. And be extra gentle and abundantly gracious with yourself. We’ll get through this. And right now, getting through is absolutely enough. I love you all. Hang in there. ❤️ XXOO, Rachel
  13. tybec

    Social Isolation and the Rabbit Hole

    Dragontears, I hear you. I am doing well a lot of the time, but there are times, days, even a few weeks where I still say "WHAT Happened to my life?" I believe whole heartedly I have my son to give me purpose many days. We were married 13 yrs when we had him. And I do wonder about wids without anyone at home. He is my inspiration to keep going. And as I am a Christian, if I am to truly to believe in my faith, I have to show our son life is meant to continue and have joy. I fully understand how hard it can be some days and especially being alone. My son has 2 more years and I wonder what I will do when I am in this too big of house with myself all the time. I get the depression and needing to do lots of things to get better, coping skills. I am a kid therapist. But I also understand the deep emotions of loss and hopelessness I truly never got until my husband died suddenly. AND sometimes you just need to be heard. Keep posting. There are others not posting and reading it and getting it. I get it.
  14. tybec

    Wedding day

    Congratulations 🍾🎈🎉! Oh what a happy announcement! I think if you are fortunate to find another love and you want to marry again, you do it your way! No regrets! It’s fresh and a new life. The traditional wedding seems to be that. A first time marriage. We are all so changed from life experiences and wisdom. We know what really matters now. You do what you choose. Your father is 85. Can’t imagine he would be all wrapped up in traditions, too. Is he really giving you away? That is where that came from, right? You can honor him at the wedding in other ways if want. Listed in the program. A special song. A thank you read. Maybe even more meaningful than an aisle walk. Good luck in what ever you decide. But what a blessing all the way around.
  15. tybec

    3 things I did today

    1. Worked four hours. Baby steps 2. Walked (6 out of 7 days) 3. Cleaned bedroom well, including windows and blinds which I hate

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    Winter 2012
  • Cause of death
    car accident
  • Spouse's Age
    45


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