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tybec

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  1. Thanks for your support. It has been an emotional week. It throws me back wishing my LH was here and we had our simple little life of us 3 without all these complicated matters I never would have conceived. AND I do get angry that they fight over the kids who are lucky to have TWO alive and well parents who love them and both do spend time with them. I got my kid to high school, so I feel good about that. And he seems well adjusted so far. At this stage of life, everyone has their history/baggage. When to say you want to carry it with them, or take separate trips, I don't know. Keeping busy with my son's new commitments, meeting new people that way and will start small groups back up in Sept. through my church. Trying to make this life fulfilled. Time will tell.
  2. Hey, all. Actually been a bit since I posted. NG had custody hearing on Thursday . It was terrible as it is continued and none of us testified after waiting all day, about 7 of us. He is broken down and can't share the testimony with me. I did read the notes from the therapist he requested, and she was the one to testify. It is disheartening. She is a well known person here and worked CPS for years, investigations and such prior to becoming a therapist. I have so many thoughts on it. She was not hired to do a custody evaluation. I have 23 years of work experiences to her 7 in therapy, but because of who she is, she has clout. But I believe she is bias as I read the notes. And she wasn't hired to do a custody recommendation which I bet she did. She is a treatment professional role . I have excellent training and stay my "lane". I never became a forensic interviewer as I did not want to muddy the waters of my expertise, which is treatment. It is very frustrating because it does not matter here. Small town, I am a newbie. I don't know if I can help him but he did ask about reporting her to her professional board. I think he could, honestly. But I have always been a stickler to ethics, practice what you are trained in, do what you are skilled, etc. But in rural areas, that is not the case. Meh. So, emotional roller coaster and I am along for the ride. I will support him as much as I can. We left the court house and a homeless man was sitting there that he knew. He does volunteer work for the homeless in this city. He stopped, talked for a bit and introduced me. That is who he is. It is sad to see him so defeated. And it is not over.
  3. "We were talking the other evening about the phrases one uses when trying to comfort someone who is in distress. I told him that in English we sometimes say "I've been there". This was unclear to him at first-I've been where? But I explained that deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope. "So sadness is a place?" Giovanni asked. "Sometimes people live there for years" I said Elizabeth Gilbert- Eat, Pray, Love Got this from the quotes section. Never used the DGI term but here. It is just a way to express anger/frustration and vent. It is usually around the early parts of grief and subsides thankfully. Maybe some of you were very able to take the high road most of the time, but many of us just need to let loose. I don’t cuss. Not me. AND I don’t get all offended when people do out of frustration or to express themselves. No different imho.
  4. Thanks all. I had backed off and you all confirmed that is what would be a good choice. I let him know I was giving him space to do the things he needs to do for the case, as he has a lot to organize. Met with him and his attorney, and it actually was not too bad. So much is about how to convince the judge who doesn't support the new law that took effect July 1. The burden is for the father to show why it is better for his kids to have more time, and the attorney says the judge does not want research either. YEAH. The judge does not like sleepovers, which we have not had with his children. But he has slept at my house. I hope they do not ask that. He is Church of Christ and does not like that. I am telling you, judges have power. I had plans for dinner but they fell through, but NG said a date would be nice sometime this week, so I agreed later on. I made lunch plans on Friday with a friend. I ,ironically, have two things Friday night, now, and will juggle them. Work BBQ and my son's marching band parent show and pool party. I'll see what I can swing. NG does not know if he has his kids this weekend yet due to the transition to the school schedule, and his ex has not confirmed with him as they do not interpret it the same way. Yup, what they do. SO, thanks for the guidance. Laying low, not bringing up my concerns at this time, space for him to work through, and wait it out some. Keep busy. I have to get motivated to my work out again. Fell off the wagon after vacation, so that will help. THANKS All!
  5. Well, it is the weekend. I am leaving town. My son needs to see his granny as he is a marching band kid (all new stuff for me), and he will be busy for the next few months almost every weekend. 😳 She is in poor health , and she moved back to family when I moved . She has lots of support, but my dear son is her only grandchild. Just a review, I moved to the town where I had to place my mother in a dementia unit as we did not have one. And her money followed as she was already in their system but that level of care was not available where we lived. Happened to be the same town NG lived in, Yeah! And my mother had an illness 2 months in, and it left her heart damaged and then hospice. She passed in Nov. 2017 just short of turning 89. So, NG delivered his kids to their mom yesterday. His mother leaves today. I decided to leave town to get some clarity. I don't know if he even understands that, but maybe he does not need to. He reverted to his past behavior this past week. Little to no contact with me. Call me in the am on his way to work. That was about it. WE did get together with the kids to swim two nights for about an hour, so there was that. He goes to court in Aug. I am meeting with him and his attorney next week. He did make sure to communicate this need. I am hurt. AND tired of the routine. And I am trying to not cause issues as he is so preoccupied with the court and stressed out. Thus, I am leaving town. I am going to try to get passed the court stuff and just see where things lie. I am protecting my heart. The man is the best father. He has moved mountains for his children. He stops everything to skype nightly with them, and that has been on dates, out of town, anywhere we were. He loves his boys so much. And, I don't have him showing me that attention or care. Maybe I am not the right woman for him. Maybe he would do so with the right woman. Maybe he doesn't know how to be in a committed relationship and show love consistently to an adult AND his children. I am not asking him to choose. That is not an option. I don't ask for gifts, I pay my way mostly now for everything, I don't ask him to do things for me as I am independent. I don't think I am over bearing. I think I try well. I would like texts good night. A phone call at night when the kids go to sleep. A message that he misses me when he is with his children even though he loves them dearly. A quick kiss goodbye when we do see each other with our kids. We have talked about this. He listens, does better a while, sometimes is sarcastic with it, and then reverts back. I hope I don't sound nagging, but maybe I am . I just didn't experience this with my husband. He was affectionate and available. And I knew he was going to be there for me. Always. Okay. Breathe. Thanks for listening.
  6. Oh Arneal! That sounds wonderful! NG traveled Europe extensively in his 20s and 30s and took many cruises and tells me he will take me there one day, something I planned but never did with careers and life and having a child. It is awesome and YEARs from reality. We both had kids late in life. Hope to be able to do some of that some day. We can dream!
  7. Ok, back to regular time with NG and his kids. Every other week until school starts, and Grandma flying in to take care of them while he works. Custody hearing in 3 weeks😳. NG is under lots of stress, and I am in it, now. I am trying to not make it worse. Talked more about our future. He says two years is more than enough time to decide to be together long term or not. Marriage is in the conversation. I have the friend that will marry us but without going to the court house and do a legal contract. But, MY GUY is Mr. Logic. So, in a conversation after church last Sunday when I asked him some thoughts about his life choices and following God's plan, not his own, he shared. And then told me I am very evasive with him, wanting to know his thoughts but tend to keep my thoughts to myself. So, I shared two nights later. I wanted to email it but he preferred talking. I told him my thoughts of us marrying and what I wanted. And what I needed to happen. I have decided I can give up my benefits from late husband and survive with him, and he has advantages I can take on if married. And that I need to wait as I will have my mother's estate and farm sold in the next yr. and I don't want to tangle it up with a legal marriage. I requested a prenup as I have my son's needs and inheritance to consider, and he has his two sons. He has his ex who I have to consider in my financial plans. If he were widowed, it would likely be a different plan. And if our children were of age and self sufficient, which they are not. All very thought out and not romantic at all, but logical. He said as much, and he understood. My brothers and I are selling the farm to a federal conservation group, so it will maintain the natural springs, caves, and water supply that dumps into the mighty Mississippi. My father and mother would be happy to have that, not sell it for more subdivisions which we could. So, federal stuff is a big deal and need to wait. NG seems a bit distant now. Could be my perception? Could be he is so involved with getting ready for court? IDK. Recoupling is difficult, no matter which way you go......
  8. tybec

    A widower's doubt

    https://www.huffingtonpost.com/carole-brody-fleet/remarriage-after-widowhood_b_3545400.html?ncid=engmodushpmg00000006 I thought a good read. 😊
  9. tybec

    For those further along (5+years)

    I was 4 1/2 yrs. out when I started to date. I think the rule is hindsight is 20/20. You don't know if you are ready until you try and see how it goes? No curve. I have read from widows/widowers both stories. Some were ready early, and some were not. All good.
  10. tybec

    Opinion / Widowed Females/Males

    Statistics show that men are happier in marriages than women. That has been in research since the 80s. Many facets to that. Harder to get research data on cohabitation situations. So, just as anecdotes: I was not ready to date for 4 1/2 yrs. I married my high school sweetheart. My grandmother and aunt were both widowed early and never remarried, nor dated. Three of my widowed friends are unmarried. One is coupled up but not marrying for a while. One never dated. One is 4 yrs. out and starting to consider it. My financial adviser, a male, married within 9 months of his wife's untimely death. They had 3 kids and just adopted a child from out of the country. I was told by a woman he had to have a wife to take care of all those kids 😳. My best friend's dad remarried 6 months after her mom died. Her parents had a romance to admire, marrying at 18, and together for over 30 yrs. At the 2nd wedding, so many folks were crying, and I wondered if it was for joy or sadness as we all loved his marriage to his first wife and their life . He has been married now 30 yrs., I think, in his 80s. My brother widowed and waited the obligatory one year and got on line. He remarried a gal after knowing her 4 months. They are not married anymore. I don't know any other unmarried widowers. Maybe they have their pick of females, as stated earlier, and therefore, take the plunge again. Always exceptions to the rule. always.
  11. Congratulations Rob! Happy for this next chapter for you and your girls!
  12. Vacation over with NG and his boys. Still not home as a wedding today to attend that was on the way back. He had to get his kids back to their mother so we drove separately. We made some great memories. It was an adventurous vacation at a resort for those things. Rappelling, rock climbing, zip lines, hiking, kayaking, a full day of white water rafting, and an extreme outdoor water park seen on travel Channel. I made it! I started working out in December and though the weight hasn’t lifted, my physical ability has improved. So glad I have committed to exercising regularly. NG and all did well I believe. We have some parenting challenges but I knew that. Told him we can talk later about that so nothing extreme. His oldest, age 10, got hurt the 2nd to last night. He didn’t follow instructions and sprained his ankle. He is soft and unfit (his mom got him a stationary bike 😳) So, the long water trip was not fun for him. He was in a tandem kayak so he really only had to sit with foot propped up but he cried off and on all day. I felt sorry for him but it was the only trip left and all the others he couldn’t have done with the hiking and such. He has been in counseling two yrs. NG thinks it is “mother” created. Maybe, but there is more to this kid. I hold my tongue. When he wants my professional opinion, I’ll give it. My kid did well with them all. NG has said he appreciates my kid and his management with his younger boys. We laughed, played board games at night, so lots of things they haven’t done per them. NG sometimes describes my kid as “peter perfect “. Yeah, he is a pleaser but so was I so whatever. He cops the teen attitude with me so he is just like most teens. We had a great time. I am glad to be in a hotel today, though. Camping is cool but I like my soft accommodations. Son and I were in a cabin, and they stayed in a tent. I was with 4 males so ready to be girly. Happy trip😊
  13. “It is hard to have patience with people who say, ‘There is no death’ or ‘Death doesn’t matter.’ There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn’t matter. I look up at the night sky. Is anything more certain than that in all those vast times and spaces, if I were allowed to search them, I should nowhere find her face, her voice, her touch? She died. She is dead. Is the word so difficult to learn?" -C.S. Lewis Sorry NG is being as my “NG” states of himself, sometimes, obtuse. I hear your frustration. I understand . Family therapy? Why? I would go “really?” also. My ng is divorced and I get frustrated but then Regroup and try to understand, read, talk to divorced friends to get it. I vent also. All good. Keep on keeping on. 😊 portside, I usually appreciate your direct, logical no nonsense responses. Yup, you need a snickers or something. Ryansamysmom is expressing something many of us have felt. Doesn’t mean she is treating her NG terribly, but sharing out loud something she can’t to others irl. Anyhow.
  14. My NG got published. He is using his frustration for change to impact others. http://dailycaller.com/2018/07/03/military-parents-divorce-separation/

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