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tybec

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  • Date Widowed
    Winter 2012
  • Cause of death
    car accident
  • Spouse's Age
    45


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  1. Hi Nolagirl! First let me preface that I don't have your experience, so take what I write with a grain of salt. There are a lot of unknowns in your post to give a simple yes or no to your question. What I think can be said is that dating and possibly recoupling upsets the apple cart. Your mother has helped with your kids for years, and though she is happy to have you have fun with the new boyfriend, she must have had a vision of what that would look like, and what is happening is not it. So to say she is overreacting? Maybe. But her perception of what a new relationship for you and your kids is not matching, I bet. Your post doesn't note how the kids feel (They are mostly OK with it). I think your kids are certainly old enough for you to move on, and they want you happy but they are adjusting to it, too. Perhaps they voice other feelings to your mom? Perhaps they are acting different around your mom so she feels differently about it? Maybe your kids are OK with it but Mom is not. Teenagers are very egocentric typically, developmentally, so maybe they say they want you happy but then really feel put aside. Or they feel both! Mixed up feelings. I don't think you are selfish. I think from your post, you waited a long time and took care of your kids, and now your kids are older and likely more independent as teens are meant to be. But sharing you may still be hard. With both, maybe a heart to heart talk about it all? Cards on the table and then a plan to manage it all. It's tough, I tell you. I wish your the best! PS I had a MIL that helped me with my son after LH died. I limited it, though, because I didn't want her to be my coparent, and I could manage it. I had only one child. I went to work pt. time because I could and relinquished her of some of her help. She did not like that. I was taking care of my elderly mother, too, so part time work was so I could do both. I waited 4 years to date and then it was fantastic, new, exciting. I did not have my MIL keep my son when I was on a date or overnight out of town. I did not want her to have that responsibility. I did not tell her a lot either. Felt awkward. I eventually moved my son and myself to the town where my NG was living with his kids. I had moved my mother already there for dementia care my town did not have. My MIL quickly up and moved back home, out of state, then. It changed our relationship, but I knew if I recoupled, it would. My MIL. THis is your MOM, so that is a whole different dynamic. Good luck!
  2. I remember the 6 month mark. It was a hard time as reality was hitting. It was not a dream you could wake up from and the reality of all the forced upon changes were in your face. And the anger of the unfairness of it all. I was probably the least PC with people who made statements I could not ignore or tolerate. Everything hurt. My husband was 45 when he died, our son 8. The unfairness for our son left me raging. It is hard. I went to grief group around that time, and it helped me. Please take care and be gentle with yourself.
  3. tybec

    Belief and Grief

    I have shared here before. I am a Christian. I always have been but as an adult spent a lot of time searching as to why be one. And always stay on the same path. My husband worked with the youth at church 16 years. We were involved in all kinds of aspects of our church. And when he died suddenly in a car accident, the church folks were at my house within 2 hours. My pastor ( a female) walked me through the haze of planning the funeral. The youth he worked with most recently were in college, so they arranged for folks to talk to those kids. It was a loss to our church family. They remodeled the youth area, and it is in his name, now. My faith got me through as my church were the hands and feet as they are supposed to be. I had support for raising my son for years. I moved after 5 years, and I was directed to a new church by my former pastor. They have surrounded us again with love. My son is active in youth, missions trip, etc. He met 3 friends at church camp, we moved in 2 weeks, and they are at the church we now attend. Godwink is what that is. I believe in the life after death, obviously. I believe in forgiveness. I believe we are fall short of the glory and judging is left to God. I believe Jesus opened the door to all who choose to follow him. Everyone has a choice. My nephew is a missionary and has lived in Peru, China (where he met his wife) and now is Abu Dhabi. He speaks Spanish, Mandarin and now Arabic. He has lived where people have no knowledge of Christ. He has lived among Muslims and other denominations. And he has shared how learning about other religions always brings him back to Christianity. Long answer - my faith got me through the darkest days. I wax and wane as I am a fickle human, but God/Jesus are steadfast. Everything else is temporary. Good luck sorting through what you are sorting through.
  4. I was given a gift of the picture presentation put together for my late husband's funeral. It is a digital photo frame. I never got it out of the box. I could not bear to look at it as it was from his funeral. I barely put the pictures together, others did, as he died on a Friday and Sunday was the visitation. Quick. So, I got it out. After a broken relationship post my LH's death, I decided I wanted it out for my son, and maybe me, too. It has been 8 1/2 years. I took most pictures of LH down when I started to date. I decided that was not fair to my son, who was 8 at the time of LH's death, 12 when I started dating. I cried initially upon putting it out. It is a collage of pics from his baby years to our dating in HS, his military years, church youth years, wedding to many of him with our son. I think I could not put it out and that was unfair to my son to be stripped of precious photos of his father. And now it is out and my son just turned 17! I feel good about it. I decided if recoupling is to occur and I can handle all their baggage/history, they can handle a photo frame with my LH and our history. And if divorced, still managing their stuff present and future. It is a trade off I feel is worthy. For me but mostly for my son. Going on 9 years and still dealing with it all.
  5. tybec

    What am I missing here?

    Minny9, I am sorry you experienced this. Not sure of the whys. Too many possibilities. Hurtful, nevertheless. Covid - some of it likely. Your late wife's family not committed to you anymore. Maybe. My brother lost his wife to cancer and continued to reach out to his stepdaughter (18 and in college when my brother married her mother) and the extended family. The stepdaughter pretty much ended the relationship with his many attempts to engage not reciprocated. He had made her and her husband the executors of his will and for his inheritance, as he never had children. His late wife's extended family really gave all contact up when his late wife's mother passed. It is sad to be expendable. My late husband and I were the hub for family gatherings after my mother moved to our city for support. I enjoyed having Christmas, Easter, birthday celebrations and such. Well, my husband died and doing that all myself was difficult. Things changed with my siblings, even. Then my mother died. Even getting together with my siblings is seldom. It is sad to have connections lost with death. I don't understand the lack of hospitality. We have grown a bit selfish, I think, in our space and unwillingness to share, to be inconvenienced for a day or two. My father's side of the family and my father made every attempt to connect with family when driving somewhere, to stop by and sometimes stay the night. I had a favorite aunt that loved on me when I would fly into her city and stay the night on my way to see my boyfriend turned husband. She treated me like a queen! We don't do that anymore. Add a chair to the table or make the table longer when we have excess. I had college kids stay at my house when touring, singing at churches. I hosted teen youth weekends for Christian retreats. One of my brothers had foreign exchange students for a semester in his home. He and his wife also invited foreign college students over the holidays for meals at the college where he was a professor. They could not go back to their homes always for the long breaks. I miss the extension of grace, which is how I see it. My humble opinion.
  6. tybec

    My Little Rant.....

    I feel you StillWidowed. I did 3 months on Zoosk which was recommended for my age and a good site. I shared a bit here back then, and I am still incredulous. I am a Christian and mean it. I attend church, have a girls group I lead, and I go to a bible study. So, no secrets about my faith and activities. And I swear the men never read my profile. I had a dick pic sent to me while at church. 🙄 I had a guy who just talked to me casually, and we had some common folks on FB. Then he one morning text and wanted a picture and asked how I masturbated. I had the guy speak to me on the phone and then text right after how he wanted me in his bed. I had the guy I spoke to off and on a month. Never committed and no flirty stuff and I bowed out to too many red flags, and then he creeped me with 20 texts in a row. And contacted me a month later to have lunch as he was in the same city. We never went out, and he was all upset with me. I know, nothing like some of your stories or others, but I got off the site and have not jumped in again. I did Christian Mingle with my first try and met a guy that I shared about on here. Didn't work. My brother 16 yrs. my senior has all kinds of ladies. I may look into a professional site next go round. I think profile pics with hats, sunglasses, on a motorcycle or red sports car or bathroom shots shirtless are just ridiculous for us in our 50s. Waiting for my Boaz.....
  7. Hello! Still here, but more as reader than poster. Sorry you had to find us but glad you find the board comforting. IT was a life saver for years for me as I could state things here when I could not to any other folks. It is hard to be a young widow, unnatural and though you work through and move forward, some unique challenges. Definitely growth from early on grief. Please post as you may write just the thing someone needs to hear for that moment in time. And it helps to vent, too.
  8. tybec

    What's Your Playlist?

    Love this. My LH died on a Friday morning vehicle accident, visitation on Sunday and funeral on Monday. Whirlwind and a walking body was me. In shock. In a course of events, my MIL picked out every song as I was dealing with something else. My LH was a classic rock DJ for a bit, and it did not fit well to have only traditional old hymns. I did, however, get our only two nephews to sing "I'll Fly Away" as they had at my father's funeral. My LH loved that and had it on his play list. IT was upbeat and people still tell me they loved it. 2 years later, a woman from church died after her 3 round of cancer. Kids my son's age and younger. They had time to plan it. They played several songs, had the most beautiful program with pictures, quotes and stories, and then led out the service with dancing to the "Oh When the Saints Go Marching In." I always wondered how much she planned her funeral.
  9. The pod cast is long. But so informative. And so helpful to me with all I went through. The author and expert, Dr. Patricia Papernow, states the divorced children will always have a loss with the new coupling, as the parent turns to the new mate. So the loyalty bind is there. And the divorced parent must respond to the child, but in so, turns away from the new mate. So, the new mate is always feeling rejected and hurt from this. The new mate is an outsider, always, to the previous family which consists of the ex, too. So, there is so much to deal with. I had so much hurt and would get so upset and now I know why. I lost my mate and the rejection and always being on the outside was intolerable on top of my loss. And I can't relate well to the divorce as death is not the same. So, anger, resentment and hurt grew, and I criticized and avoided/withdrew.😔 It truly is something incredible for families that make it work. Not impossible, but so much on the new mate, especially a stepmother, to manage being the outsider and sucking it up and needing support from the divorced parent who can't always give it right away. And the divorced parent caught in the middle and feeling a failure to the new mate, but the bond with the children is stronger and is priority. So, learning about new things to make good choices. That is my interpretation from the pod cast. Good luck with all this. Hard stuff.
  10. Yes, I am reading up. This may not apply to many of you but maybe some..... And it still applies in ways with adult children, especially if you don't have adult children who are independent. Geez, it is A-MAZING for those that work all this out. Just saying. 😉 7 Tips for Parenting, Stepparenting, and Discipline in Stepfamilies Research tells us that, for many children, becoming a stepfamily is harder and takes more time, than divorce. Stepfamilies are generally easier for children eight and under, and for boys. They are harder for girls (including, in my experience, for adult daughters of older recoupling dads). They are especially hard for young teen girls. Stepparents everywhere seem to want more limits and boundaries with their stepchildren. Parents everywhere seem to want more loving and understanding for their children. Hands down, “authoriTATIVE parenting” is best for children on every measure imaginable, including bringing children through difficult transitions like divorce and becoming a stepfamily. Authoritative parenting is both loving and firm: Loving: Authoritative parents are responsive, warm, and empathic. Firm: Authoritative parents calmly set moderately firm limits and they make developmentally appropriate demands for maturity. Until and unless stepparents have forged a caring, trusting relationship with kids, parents need to retain the disciplinary role. My guideline for stepparents is, “connection before correction.” This very often takes years, not months! Once stepparents have forged a caring relationship, they can move slowly into an authoritaTATIVE (loving and moderately firm) disciplinary role. There are many healthy, thriving stepfamilies where stepparents do not have a disciplinary role. AuthoriTARIAN parenting by stepparents is almost always toxic. Authoritarian parenting is not loving or warm. It is firm and hard. Authoritarian parenting often uses negative labels (“You’re lazy.” “You’re a slob.”), rather than positive requests (“I’d love it if you’d pick up your toys.”) Meanwhile, successful stepcouples do work as a team. Often stepparents can help parents to firm up a bit. Parents can help stepparents to understand their children. Stepparents have input. Parents have final say about their own children. Successful stepcouples face the same challenges that struggling stepcouples do. Successful stepcouples communicate frequently and constructively. They discuss their parenting differences with kindness and caring. Struggling stepcouples criticize and/or avoid.
  11. This is long but a good listen about "blending families". Made me understand some of the recent comments about doing your own thing separately for a while. And there still are "blending" challenges with adult children. So, many of us had "first families" that ended due to death. Add on recoupling with divorced folks or single folks with kids, and there are just all kinds of dynamics. Anyway..... https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-aamft-podcast/id1450828084?i=1000479815056
  12. I don't have any great answer. I agree with Maureen. I did not have a strained relationship but boundaries were problematic with my MIL and my husband set them between our family and her. After his death, I held her only grandson, so treading those waters was hard. I was not always graceful doing so. It has been 8 yrs. I now reach out to her on his birthday. I believe the birth of her son was the most precious day for her, and I give special acknowledgement to her on that date. It took a while to get there but thankfully, I am here. Wish you the best on whatever you decide.
  13. Beautiful pics! Brokenheart2 - this 🙏 It hurts but not like it did. I hurt for my son. Those are the great tears I shed, at every event his father should have been there for him. And the truth is, he may not really know what he missed, ya know? It's not his reality. But mine as I had a dad for all those events. Aw, we were so fortunate and perhaps, we will continue to find joy in all kinds of way.
  14. HI Bunny! Thanks for sharing. I am the memory and story holder for my dead husband. I share on FB. Yes, strange with dating. I post on his birthday "happy birthday in heaven." I post the day he died. And I have posted on our anniversary but not the last couple years. It has changed. I feel different. It is memories now. 8 years. So strange how your brain can detach over time. I guess out of necessity. I shared a picture two days ago of my maid of honor and me in high school from a high school dance. We have been friends since age 4. And she commented how much she loved me and my LH and we were an amazing couple. She stated she was so happy she was the one who told me he loved me (in high school). I didn't bring that up, but there it is. I get remarks from others often. For a man to date me, they have to handle my old life. I don't put it in his face but I grew up with my LH and my identity was a couple, not a single person. I am changing. I know part of the reason the man I dated so long loved me IS because of who I was because of my marriage and LH, specifically. Our wedding photo. 30 yrs ago this year.
  15. tybec

    3 things I did today

    1. Called to get repair person out again for air conditioning. 2. Called to see when my teen may get to take his driver's test. Delayed to April 6. Nothing since then. 3. No client's scheduled which is a downer. So, clear out case load and text folks to see if they will return now and try telehealth since is is not just ending in April as originally planned. Pandemic life - Meh.. But on it.

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    Winter 2012
  • Cause of death
    car accident
  • Spouse's Age
    45


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