tybec

My teen shaved this week for the first time. Trimming when he got his haircut was not enough anymore. And he tied his own tie for a band performance. It makes me smile. Makes me miss his dad from being the one to teach him. But we keep going 😊

We usually go to a restaurant he loved. ❤️ He celebrated a week! So a little less celebratory. I send his mother flowers as I believe as a mother that is probably the most important day in her life. ❤️

Happy dance for you! So exciting! Great news! We were on the old board together. Look at this! HOPE!

I don't know the situation, but what I do know is if folks are not healed, they carry on their wounds and bleed on you. My friend cautioned me from the get go, stating if my NG had not healed from his divorce, recoupling would not make it disappear. I did not truly understand that. "Maybe this man feels by not going along with this ex he will lose time with his children." This was discussed in my last couples session. It was emotional for my NG. The counselor even asked him if he thought he could be with any woman as she deserved/needed given his great fears with his ex and his kids. He could not answer but then ended it a week and half later. As a quote states, Trauma creates changes you don't choose. Healing is about creating change you do choose. Or you tend to relive the same thing over and over again in some form. And no one can change the person but him/herself. So, CW, hard calls on your part. What can you live with? What is he willing to change for a healthy relationship with you?

😍

Well this week NG sent me an email. He forwarded a google calendar reminder. With a winking emoji. It was significant as it was the first night I spent with him. Big deal as I had only been with my husband. He knew all that. Chose to not respond. Sept since he emailed me and that was clearing out our things and a response to me emailing him. A male friend said he is playing games. Childress behavior now. 🤷‍♀️ Lessons learned. Thanks for your support. I am reading up on red flags. They were there but I ignored them. It has helped filtering out on line dating situations.

I am so very sorry. And I understand. My wedding anniversary was the 29th of Dec. It's NYE, and I am alone, been sick all week. And my husband died on Jan. 20. The whole holiday season is a mess. Each year I think it is going to get easier. In some ways it has, but grief is still there. Lingering. You had a lot of trauma for a long period of time. So difficult. Wishing you some peace in the pain.

Thank you all. First break up at age 50. yeah. I unfriended him quickly. He changed his status to single in a week, public. That was hurtful. I keep my private because my friends know me. No text by phone since the break up. All through social media, so hid/blocked that. Doing reading on breaking up. Some info says you should be good in 6 weeks. Really? Others say as long as it takes. I am hoping 6 months will get him out of my head. When you have all tied up together and have to untie and make new relationships to fill the gaps, that just takes time, I think. He wants to be friends. Said he hoped we could be single parents to help each other out. Um, no. Getting there.

First Christmas single again. Not the greatest. Got sick and spent 5 hours at urgent care Christmas eve. Truly sick. Diverticulitis. Wow. So, guy of 3.5 yrs. dumped me 3 months. Never has contacted me once. I did all the texting and emailing to return things. I sent a couple memes here and there I felt relevant. I let him know me and my kid were going to be just fine. The widow and the fatherless kid will be just fine. He got all he wanted. He got his kids 50/50 and his dream job. Bumper year for him. Well, he ends up behind me in traffic. Kind of runs up on me to get the light. I am clueless as it was Christmas parade traffic. He texts immediately he was sorry and didn't know my car until right up there. Okay, I wasn't paying attention due to traffic. I text him back later he seems to be off as I do see his posts on the Father's rights page. Nope he is fine and then he texts he misses me. He had twice stated this before, and I ignored it. I finally stated he made the right call to take care of his kids and me to do so with mine. Polite for him to state that. WTH! So, a couple more texts by accident on my end. I block his information so it does not occur as he keeps responding with more though I apologize. I finally make a snarky comment and no response. Blocked more access I have to him. So, he sends me a Christmas card. A lovely pic of him with his children with their names. Why? Why? 2020 cannot get here soon enough. New year. 8 yrs. widowed in Jan. New life again.

Ok, friended guy on FB. Scammers abound on dating site. He is legit. We have a common friend. Guy is just chatting. Not really stating he wants to date me. We have some political views that do not align. So, he still is texting. But this week, asks for pics. Um, I have plenty on my FB page. No NOW pics. Nope, in bed right now. I like those kind. This quickly changes to him asking me sexually explicit things. I am not a prude, but really! No face to face yet and jump there. I don't know much at all about him. So, ditched him. I am not going to be some guys rub out. GEEZ! Do they think you don't mean what you say? Not for the faint of heart. I am laughing with friends about it. I sent screenshots of many to my friends. Do they look at the pics they post? my world.....

Ok, took a deep breath and dove back in. I don't have to do anything I don't want to and I don't owe anyone anything but to be kind about it. I am talking to a couple men. Slow my pace down to what I want and need. Changed my profile to hopefully weed out the FWB, threesomes and obvious non matching philosophies. May limit me a bunch, but that is okay. I do think it interesting that just talking to a man and that is a perceived communication that you are all in. NO. Still getting to know you. What in the world? Just because you talk you are in? We are such a society of immediate gratification. In everything! Keeping on...

Trying2breathe, A couple pages back in this thread, I think page 26, I put a video on about EFT and attachment. It was an example of an interaction with a couple and the dynamics. And it fit me to a tee, and apparently many couples. Check it out. Good luck finding a way to communicate well. The gist of EFT is that we desire attachment and connection, and that is the crux of many relationship deaths. Not the details of all, but the lack of feeling connected to stick it out, through thick and thin. And then craziness steps in. I look back at myself and think, "Who was that woman? " That is not who I was born to be. My momma and daddy did not raise me to be that person. Learning.....

Rob, I am sorry for your current situation. Life is hard. Relationships are hard. I have always appreciated your posts and sharing of thoughts. You have a way of sharing that is helpful and non threatening without seeming to stir the pot. I hope you can figure out what will work best for you and yours. As I am coming out of a 3 1/2 yr. relationship that did not end up in a marriage, it is such a learning experience. Painful but learning......"Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn, MY God, do you learn." C.S. Lewis

My interest is waning. It's been a month. Many don't answer you. All these guys wanting to be able run, hike, with pics working out. I used to be fit but I hurt my back and I am 50! I have major challenges. Working on it, had PT for a couple months, but no marathon runner! Truly! Had scammers. I have decided no long distance due to it not working well before, I moved and it fell apart. I am not moving again due to my kid needing to graduate. It's hard, then, as driving out of town is not going to integrate lives, ya know. I have a life, church, and I work with the youth at church now. I live about an hour to a major city, and most with careers, are there. I am bummed today. I know it will pass, but I hate being out like this. It sucks. And most everybody is divorced. So, I am imperfect, but I don't have an ex to deal with and all that baggage. And now I know what all that baggage can involve. Going to a lake house with lady friends for the weekend, so reboot, and get myself back on board, I guess.

Totally get it, StillWidowed! I went on my date. He was all over me. In public. Touching my hair. Hugging me. Kissed me more than once. I went to a lunch on purpose. I had my kid track me on our app. I checked. He joked we should go to a hotel parking lot and freak my kid out. First date! 3 phone conversations. I am grown, but I also have some standards, old school, maybe. But it is just dangerous out there, and up standing men would not have a problem with it all. Transparency and boundaries. And if gals want to go and have sex the first date, you can. But that should not be the normal assumption. Or am I just out of touch.....

I have a date! And he confirmed this a.m. And he is driving to me. I'll see how it goes. Lunch only. He FB me and he is legit. Looked up linkedin, too. He checked me out. He is widowed, also. Different political views but smart. His dad was a former governor! Checked that out, too and it is fact. His dad got into trouble with bids for his own construction company and lost it all. So, this man has an elite upbringing but works construction? Strange. Private schools, college but chose to do construction like his father started. Anyway. Practice dating, right? Meet some interesting people, right? My mental health background will help me with some of this 😉 Said no go to guy that was treating me like a 20 yr old sorority girl. Please talk to me like a grown woman. The guy who ghosted, Oh, well. So it goes. I will learn the ropes. I can do this. I am strong. Have a pen pal to say goodbye to. He is nice, but too far away, not my parameters. I have tried to let him go nicely. Well, direct will have to do. I am trying not to ghost. There is no reason. Had a guy say, "sorry, but we are not a match." OK. Doesn't hurt my feelings. I don't know you. Anyway. Dreamed about my LH last night. He proposed 30 yrs ago today. Had not dreamed of him in a while. It was nice and peaceful.

Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I will take the time to read through this thread. I also may just lay low and work on me a bit. IDK Ironically, my former NG said he wished I had dated some before to understand what is out there. Well, I didn't. I married my HS sweetheart and spent 28 years together. I can't change that and I do believe I am a catch as can handle life's ups and downs and stick around. He bailed when he couldn't handle the reality of getting his kids and then following through with his promises to me. I digress. (sigh) I will have to get good at setting boundaries with folks. This guy last night - MEH. He does not fall into what I want for me AND my son. I just thought I would try to talk. I don't want to be awful to guys, but I also deserve my safe boundaries. Separate the wheat from the chaff.....

Oh my. Let me know the norms? Text a guy and he is all flirty with telling me how good I look in a picture, kissable, etc. OK. Well, I am just trying to get to know you. So, switch to phone call, and that was okay. But say good night and he texts me he misses me already and wishes I were sleeping next to him. I have literally seen two pictures and talked 15 minutes on the phone. He is an engineer at a factory, dad, college graduate, and this is getting to know someone? I am not 20 and in college. We are adults with kids. Is this normal? Another person I said lunch on Sat. would be good, a half way point, and he states there is no foodie place in this town. No, but just meeting in the day to see if there is anything. I truly have a "virgin" dater of on line........

Uggh, ghosted by a guy I spoke to on the phone. It is more annoying than anything else. So, Question? Just meet with men for practice of dating? Coffee, and see where it goes. Or hold out until one looks really good?

Virgo, Yes more options. But busy lives make it hard to connect. And this new man I am texting looks great to meet but limited info. I told him I needed more to meet for safety. I’ll see if he is a stand up guy or not. My post LH’s death relationship was transparent on line due to his background and custody battle. That was helpful. I realize it may take time, especially from reading here. I can say no to obvious non-matches. As can they😉

Arneal, I hope I didn't offend anyone or you. There is so much more to the story that I did not and won't share. I have many grandparents and other relatives rearing children out of need and they are amazing. The problem is the former NG and his ex have a desire to have children do certain things, sports, theater, clubs, but yet the way they are having them reared by the grandparents has resulted in children who do not want to do those things. They also are delayed in many independent skills and social skills due to being reared by 70 yr old grandparents due to lack of allowing or teaching or experiencing. YOU are very independent. These kids need a lot to learn basics other children know. And neither parent can see that the choices they are making are leading to dependency. Peter pan kids. No chores, can't tie their shoes, cannot interact with other children. They are developmentally in a stage to do so, not little guys. But anyway. Again, can't share it all. I am happy you had a wonderful grandparent to raise you and teach you independence, too.

SB, Please be aware of the family dynamics. The hopes of change to healthier patterns can delay the inevitable. I learned the hard way, and I really am not in this section now. But hindsight is 20/20. My former NG had his mother to "help" him with his kids every summer and break 7 years. She has flown in and taken care of the kids every other week in the summer. And any break they had he got them and he could not take off. I felt it was lovely to do, a sacrifice and so good for the kids. But when he got 50/50 custody, she continued to come in every other week. He could not change his system for fear of his ex taking him to court (and she has) . So the morning and after school programs were a no go for his sweet little snowflakes. They did not like being in care elsewhere. They have only been cared for by grandparents and their parents. And they have no friends, no sleepovers and no social skills and are isolated, honestly. But can tell you Betty White is their favorite Golden Girl. 🙄They are boys by the way. So, post breakup and sharing with a single woman friend, she commented, "so, he lives with his mother half the time, too." Well, Yes! WOW! And she cares for the kids and him! How did I not see that? From a widow with a child who also took care of her elderly mother, I was suddenly aware of his dependency. I don't have time for that. I need a grown man. So, he dumps me as I want inclusion. And he can't do it. It will disrupt his flow. And his mom has his ear, too. She told him at some point she was afraid he would give up trying to get his boys and marry me. Well, I never asked for that. I wanted a blended family. It never got going, honestly. 3.5 years. I loved him, and we were great together in so many ways. But he was a package deal with lots of poor boundaries on both sides. So, I haven't thanked him yet for ending it but some day I likely will. He was not changing. Even with couples therapy, he could not step out of his dependency and fear. I am so thankful for my parents, and their appropriate care of me and my siblings. We were very, very fortunate.

PS. Better options are appearing. But I am a professional and most of them are busy WORKING. I work part time currently so a little too much free time to mess with it.

Okay, doing this on line. My kid has activities the next 3 weekends, so not an option to meet up for a bit. Just my life. I put in short distance parameters. I did the long distance, moved and it fell apart anyway. I am not moving. I have been telling potentials up front I am landlocked 3 years. I am not moving my son again. He was not thrilled when I did, but he is doing so great in school, has friends and a great church program. So, EH, may be single a while anyway. I am about 50 miles from a decent sized city, but still, the drive. I have told a guy he was too far and he keeps talking to me. I have told him I am unavailable for a few weeks. He says he will wait. I am done with him. Nice to chat to another human at night, but I am not interested. Too many red flags. My therapist is working with me on my "list" of things to help prevent me from getting involved with another unavailable man. I am "too nice" often. I am a people pleasure and care taker. So a lot to learn. The ghosting thing hasn't happened in real life, just on line and that doesn't bother me so far. It feels so weird to do this. I did it once before and then found my former NG quickly. But life changed and here I am. Anyway, so venting and comraderie.

Thanks. Chose Zoosk. Saw the others. Playing around. I cut to the chase. Landlocked 3 yrs to get my kid graduated since I moved him. Tell up front. These men. Really? Pics of fishing, hunting, work outs and body shots at 50. Geez. Not a 20 yr old. I am in a rural area but camping at 50+. Get a buddy. On line dating guy that liked me: I am a car fanatic. I love mustangs and the Dallas Cowboys. recently divorced looking for fun. dont be shy. holla at me. My Perfect Match loves cars and knows about cars He wants a buddy not a woman! 😳😂😉😉 and then scammers. Wow. My late wife had your name. We are fate! And why look at me 60 plus mikes away if I said I am not moving? 😐 idk Patience. Really.....