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It is hard. I am sorry. I am looking forward to the day it won't be so hard, also. My wedding anniversary is Dec. 29. So, Christmas, my wedding date, NYE and then his death Jan. 20. Follow that by Valentine's Day, and then his birthday. The first Christmas with my son who was 9. HARD. UGHG...... I actually told a friend I would not get married around that time. Christmas. She poo pooed it and did so, and I hope she realizes when it is her or her husband's time, it will be harder with the holidays. 😔 Anyway. I understand.

An elementary age friend and I reconnected 2 years ago. She lost her 2nd husband to a medical mistake. She had children, and he had children. The husband had been married to the mother of his children. The ex was a RN yet brutal. The friend spent 5 yrs. dealing with the malpractice suit, won and paid all to attorneys except about $30,000. And the ex then came after it. The ex came after everything for her children. More legal battles and my friend moved back home, hundreds of miles away. She had to pay court costs and still won against the ex. She stated it was not worth it. But she had no other recourse. She stated she gave everything to the stepkids they had purchased for them and more. She just wanted out, but the ex wanted the insurance money and pay out from the malpractice. She did not get either due to his planning, but my friend had to deal with court. I am sorry for this mess. I don't know what all you can do. My friend has no communication with her stepkids and they lived 50/50 with her and her husband. She had to deal with that loss, too. Moving away helped. It is hard. I am sorry.

Well, it is Memorial Day weekend and quiet here. I guess that means many of you are having great weekends. I am not with NG and his kids. He had family church camp, and my son had obligations to band for graduation. We went out with friends for dinner Friday night and then were also invited to a minor league baseball game with work friends in a suite. So, not bad. But today is lonely. NG is back, and his mom came in. I am waiting to see if they want to get together but all are tired. She flew in. and they have been outside in the heat. Mrs. Dan and Stillwidowed have nailed how I feel. Both sides. I try to be accepting of his situation, and it gets tiresome being the one to sacrifice, attend events by myself as he has his own activities, his own church, etc. And I have gone through the "am I good enough, doing enough" questions. It is so good and so hard. I am working through my feelings/thoughts. I am not perfect and NG has identified some things about myself I don't particularly care to know. It is complicated. He has agreed to go to couple counseling, which is recommended when I read about blending families. There is so much involved, truly. Kudos to those that make it work. Happy weekend!

My son did not choose to go, and honestly, I am glad. It would have been so, so sad. And he would have seen friends that I was a little concerned about before we moved, too. But it was his choice. I have heard so much about kids and suicide. My ears open more. I am talking to him. Checking in. He is more logically than me, so far, a science/math enthused kid. He handles things differently than me.

I read RobFTC as well and had thoughts. I hate going by myself to my son's things. I know I chose to move, and then his granny moved back home, too. And I lost my church support/family as I have always had some of them come to support my son. But I dropped off my kid at graduation to play in the band yesterday, and I saw all these families and thought, "Geez, I hope it isn't just me when it comes his time." My family didn't celebrate a lot at these things. We oddly went to college and grad school, so HS was just a step. But I want my kid to have lots of support. Maybe in 3 years, we will have it. I am the youngest on both sides of the family, my parents are gone, and the bad thing about that is everyone is dying off or at least, getting really old! Bittersweet, indeed. I understand RyanAmysmom. Oh, how I understand...... Congrats on your son's graduation! And yes, I can talk about LH now with smiles and memories of joy.

Interdependence involves a balance of self and other within the relationship, recognizing that both partners are working to be present and meet each other's physical and emotional needs in appropriate and meaningful ways. Codependency is associated with patterns of a relationship that keep unhealthy behaviors going. Termed in late 80s and hot topic in 90s surrounding addictions. “Codependency is a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.” You want an interdependent relationship. Safe boundaries, keep your identity, yet support each other.

We moved. It’s been two yrs. A social media post from his former group let him know. 15 yrs old. He befriended her in 4th grade as she was new to our area. She came to our church to see him in a musical in the 5th grade. He went to church with her in the 6th grade. 7th grade was middle school and drama for her. She started dating older guys. We moved that summer. I will follow his lead. Visitation Sunday and funeral Monday. I am so heartbroken for her family. It was just her and her mom. Her mom is a RN and works a lot. Looked her up on FB and she had been involved in raising money for suicide and soldiers as an army fort is in the county. Oh, our kids. 😭

Well, at a strange place. An impasse if you will. NG had to plan out his summer as he always does. His mother flies in every other week to watch the kids, spend time with her grandkids as NG gets the children every other week. Unlike his teacher ex-wife, he works year round, so childcare is needed. His mother is wonderful. I have a finishing freshman. He has a missions trip planned, from fall. And then he is in band, so 2 1/2 weeks is marching band camp, and he loves its. And then he goes to band competitions every weekend or practices until Dec. He loves it, is committed, and I support his passion. I was not a band kid, so all new to me. Our summer is not lining up at all. Even a summer vacation does not appear optional due to his schedule and my son's. He has a court order for his time. Not negotiable. He is 3 months now waiting for a court decision, and I think it will happen for the new school year. The summer is the same then as the last 3. Separate lives. I understand his restraints on some level. But I am frustrated it is another summer of us and them. I told him we are not a "we". We did not plan together. Granted, my son's stuff was from 2018 planned out, and he is older. He views his kids plans are just as important of course, and he depends on his mother for child care, and she is able and willing, and that could change on a dime. His side of the family lives 10 hours away, so her coming is a big deal to have interactions with his side of the family. I am not stonewalling, but I have not wanted to see him. It feels impossible. We are talking daily. But there is no solution here. And it is planned, done. Mother's day weekend was a wash as he was sick all weekend, and my kid got sick on mother's day. The way it goes. Blending families. MEH.......

Glad to hear it was a peaceful day. Took me many yrs to get there. Last birthday was my first non emotional one. I send his mother flowers now for his birthday. I figure for her, this is the hardest day. Cubbies fan, also 😉.

Same here, Hachi. I moved, so I live now where LH never was. But I will have a memory, hear a song, be at something with our son, and just have this moment of incredulous thought, "What happened to my life? LH should be here. How did this happen? "

NG has sleep apnea. Funny, I told him I would be sleeping with DARTH VADER then, Arneal. LOL! He uses a mouth piece, and it does okay. He needs another evaluation, though to update his machine. He didn't tell me way back, and that is something you need to tell someone! He wasn't using his machine and was having his breathing stop, the twitching, what I thought was restless leg syndrome. I told him he needed to tell me as I thought he was maybe having a seizure or PTSD from his 20 yrs. in the military! I can sleep through anything over time. My college roommate would blow dry her hair in the morning, and I learned to sleep through it! Sleep apnea is real and serious long term. Worth the conversation. 😴

Sorry she didn't relate to you, Soloact. Takes all kinds..... I guess I have handled uncomfortable things my entire career of treating kids with trauma, specifically sexual abuse. I have learned to handle lots of things that make people cringe, as have the detectives, nurses, child protective workers, doctors, first responders, and the parents eventually. I appreciated her humor about deeply uncomfortable things. Thankfully there are lots of resources for us all.

http://t.ted.com/qGOpLiu I think this should be here. Bunny posted about pod casts but I would never do anything else if I listened! There are such good ones. I like this widow’s explanation of this. Hope it helps some. I let my NG hear the short version. He commented recently I have my LH in such high esteem, he’ll never measure up. I really thought I was intentional in managing my comments. I think it is more about I do talk about him as we were a “WE” for 28 yrs. He, on the other hand, was single until 30, divorced after 10 yrs of marriage and now single (lives by himself). We just have different experiences in shaping us, permanently, as she states. He said this was a good perspective. Anyway......😊

http://t.ted.com/qGOpLiu

WOW, is what I am saying and showing! THANK you for sharing! I remember the thread you started. Timeliness. I believe in Godwinks,, and this is mine today. What an aspiring place to live! I turned 50 last month, it has been 7 yrs. since LH died, and 36 yrs. ago I went on my first date with LH. I am not feeling as confident as you in my new life, so your sharing is wonderful. HOPE. Three Good THINGs 1. I made it to 50 when LH did not. 2. Our son is doing well, and I enjoyed his jazz concert last night, in fact. This among his concert band and marching band participation. His love of music. 3. I am dating and moving forward despite the trials. And I will be okay coupled or singled. THANKS Helen!

Not my experience, but never have seen it work for anyone. I KNOW there are exceptions to the rule. But most of us fall within the "norm." You know your heart. Can you let go if it does not work without being hurt badly? How about your possible Lover? Lots of things to consider.

Thank you for sharing. I am glad to hear life is well. I am just passed 7 yrs. I am beginning to feel like my life was a dream, sometimes. And I was with DH since high school. So odd that we can be so connected and then, time truly changes things. I wonder about my son's version of his life. He is going to be without his dad longer than with him next Jan. I spent this last death anniversary with my NG. I still had a cry, looked at pictures, and then spent it with my new beau in a new experience. Anyway, as you stated. Another strange leg in the grief journey.

Thanks Arneal! NG and I have a joint calendar now on google to help us coordinate our many activities. The divorce decree from 2014 stated many things including using “our family wizard. “ She never has. The kid’s therapist recommended and NG “told on her” that she refused in the past 5 yrs. She finally now has agreed to a google calendar. They agreed to have all passwords to the kids’ devices so they can check on them, length of time on devices, websites accessed, etc. he gave all that info. She has not, saying they do not have their own logins, as it goes through her. So he can’t check on his kids regarding that. That is an example of the many type of things he deals with.

Just a nice update. I am feeling stronger and more confident in my relationship with NG. We are talking and though it is hard, it is working to work out misperceptions, and challenges. He has gone 3 months with no court decision as of next week. I know the courts are backed up due to my volunteer work. TPR is 6 months out for cases. And I do know the judge has imminent danger cases, so this case is not a priority. The children are privileged, well cared for and stable, so maybe why the judge is waiting. Not a comfort to NG, but possible explanation? NG has stated he is tired of hearings, stress, finances and getting to a point of acceptance. We have had some hard talks. I told him again I can support him, but sometimes he forgets who he is talking to. A widow with a fatherless child. And he gets to have a real relationship and have a physical presence in his kids' lives. His kids have had a dad longer than my kid ever had. So, sometimes I can be supportive and sometimes I feel he does not put it into perspective. He has been working on being grateful, as he did live 5 hours from here, so he has a much better connection due to that change he made. We are equidistant to the middle school his kids are likely to attend, so eventually, my home will be as convenient. Right now he is right next to their school. His kids are growing up and, like normal kids, sometimes they want to be with him and sometimes they do not. He is dealing with that, too. My kid is finishing up his first yr. of high school in 3 weeks! WOW! And he is still doing very well. I hope it continues. I am learning about myself, and I told him so. We both have a commonality of our lives were devastated in 2012. Different reasons, but still. And though we have our losses to commiserate upon, we can't continue to just lick our wounds and talk about our losses. I know I do when things get tough with him, ruminate about what I had, and it is not helpful. I told him we needed to have joy for our future instead of focus on our losses. He agreed. So, moving forward.😃

Blending families. Hard when you are young and no kids. So, add all this extra time and people. It is amazing when it happens well! I was unprepared. I am reading up. May ask for premarital counseling. I certainly understand where folks here would say, "well, let's just have our grown up time and enjoy and by pass all the other." NG and I are talking, discussing, disagreeing at times. It is tiresome. He reminds me all the articles I send state give it a few years to bridge it all, not a couple months or so. I see everyone's points here. Glad I am not the only one.......

I moved to a new city, and I tell people if it comes up I am widowed. It is part of my story. It tells them I was married but I am not divorced. It tells them my son had a dad. It is different than being divorced or never married. Not better but who I am. And I was married 21 yrs. That is longer than many folks so it says a lot about my life. I will always be widowed, and maybe married again. And I may say that. This is my new husband. And if appropriate, my son is from my late husband. It explains a lot. I don't have a shared custody of my child. He doesn't go back and forth between two households,and all that entails. It is me and him, full time but used to be more. Late Husband is how I talk about him. I don't know how NOT to talk about him. When conversing about all kinds of things, it was a "WE" not a "ME". To talk as it was just "ME" is not my story. I wasn't single for 21 years, so that is a misrepresentation of who I am. I went to Jamaica for my 10th anniversary. Not alone, not with a ladies group, so how to share that and not be concise. NO shame. If they are awkward, then that is on them.....

T2breathe, I believe if NG wants you to attend, then you stay by his side. It's for his support. And others are going to have to accept it. No drama with just your presence. NOW, don't get up and say few words or sing! LOL! But he wants you there. I have been in NG's ex wife's presence 3 times with the kids in 3 years, I think. I stay out of the way. I do not want the children to feel awkward. At first, I felt very much unimportant as NG would not invite me to things but then I was able to step back as he stated he felt it would cause undue stress for the kids. So, I will do what I need to for the children. If the adults handle it poorly and put the kids in a bind, then I need to step out. They have a mom and don't need a mothering figure. Each blended family is so different. So, adapt. In court, for the custody hearing, her attorney asked why I had not introduced myself to her since NG and I were serious. I was taken aback. He caught me off guard, which I think was his intent. WHY would I approach her? I stumbled over my words, then. She actually smiled and held up her fingers of 2 when I stated I had crossed paths maybe 3 times. I finally stated that when I had a ring on my finger, then I may feel I would approach her to introduce myself formally. But then, isn't that her job as the mother to want to know who is in her children's lives? Or my NG to introduce? IDK......

I am shocked at your therapist's suggestion. I wonder if he has grief training at all. Cannot understand his recommendations at all. Why we have memory quilts, bears, jewelry, etc. So strange. Your grief, your rules.

Quiet for a while. Made it through another holiday. It was okay. The changes from my LH's death and family gatherings are still hard to swallow. Making new ones, slowly. Summer break is 5 weeks away. Hard to believe how fast time flies. As they say, the days are long, the years are short. NG and I continue to have things to work through. Nothing that is a deal breaker, but so much to think about. Over two months since court. I think the judge is waiting for summer break when NG gets his children 50/50 anyway. My guess, which is all it is. Can't pretend to understand it. I get all twisted up at times. I feel no purpose or motivation for goals. Where do I see myself? What do I want in life? Just one day at a time, which is unsettling to me. I want to have things to look forward to, plans but since an untimely death of LH, I lost that. Anyone else? I do focus on getting my kid raised, but that is more about the idea of then he will be okay if something happens to me. Not real positive. I don't know. It will pass, this feeling. Always does.

I don’t *think* I know this member. I am so sorry for this horrific loss. And yes, I know there is worse. In my grief, I knew folks who had so much more difficult hands to manage. Here as well. Hope is what we have, sometimes the only thing. 🙏🏼